My mom went into AL about 3 weeks ago after having in home care for about a year. She is NOT liking it!! A year ago she was walking with a walker and fairly independent. Now she uses a wheelchair and needs assistance to get around. She cannot propel it herself. We got her an electric wheelchair so she would feel like she had more freedom but she is reluctant to use it. She won’t socialize, go to meals and has no interest in changing her attitude. She is in a nice place (apartment style) and the staff for the most part are good to her. They are usually pleasant when they come but often take longer than I think they should to answer her call button. (30 minutes plus…is that normal?) She is in constant pain with her many ailments. When she went into AL she was a 1 person (caregiver or myself) assist. Since being in AL she has gotten worse and now requires 2 people to go to bed, get out of bed or use the bathroom. Since she is a 2 person assist they require her to do PT and OT to get stronger. This makes her hurt more! If she doesn’t do therapy she can’t stay at this AL. (They are only licensed for 1 person assist.) I personally think a lot of her problems are due to depression. If she was happier I think she would go back to being a one person assist. My mom has no desire to live because she is in such pain. We have tried pain management to no avail. We are hoping to get another appointment with a different doctor hoping he/she will have more ideas/options. She doesn’t want to take depression medication since she took it a few years ago and it made her a zombie. She also doesn’t think she is depressed. On top of all of this she smokes and is able to smoke on her patio just outside her door however winter is coming and she will hate going outside!! Now that she is in AL I am only 15 minutes away. If she goes back home with 24 hour care she is 45 minutes away. She also lives in a remote area where as now she is in a city that has bus transportation to dr appointments, shopping or even going out to lunch. It is next to impossible to get her in and out if a car.
Bottom line…I want her to be happy and ideally pain free. The pain may not go away but she can be happy again. Do I bring her home with caregivers or “force” her to stay in AL or a nursing home? Caregivers at home are quite a bit of $$$$ and no guarantee she will be happy and most likely she will still be in pain. Bringing her to my house is out of the question due to her smoking!
Your mum may never be happy again, and there's nothing you can do about that.
You didn't put your mum in a position where she lacks mobility and is in chronic pain. Unfortunately, you cannot fix that.
Taking your mum back home would put your mum in a position where she is alone, save for the carers, and has no opportunities to do anything else because she would be trapped in her home. In AL (or a care home where they are insured for 2 carers assisting with transfers, if that becomes necessary) there are opportunities for your mum to make friends and find ways to deal with the pain.
Boredom and unhappiness make pain worse. I know from experience that being content and having distractions make pain more bearable. When someone forgets pain because they are doing something, it isn't that the pain is imagined, it's because the brain is fabulous at helping us ignore pain when it's being occupied with something else.
Unfortunately, waiting 30 minutes for carers to respond is normal. It shouldn't be, but that's how it is now. When my mum managed a sheltered housing court, she was out within a few minutes of someone pulling a cord, even in the middle of the night (coat on over her pyjamas). But, places are managed very differently now.
I hope that your mum settles where she is - it really is early days - and that she can start doing more for herself and only need one person to assist with transfers. Otherwise, she will have to get used to another place that can accommodate your mum's needs.
Take the pressure off yourself by not striving for perfection, but settling for good enough. The first is impossible and the second will be making the best of a bad situation. There really isn't much more you can do.
Pain is best addressed by a doctor that specializes in pan management, not the "house doctor".
Depression should be evaluated and treated by a psychiatrist, preferably one that specializes in geriatrics.
Since finances are limited, you need to talk to her insurance company to find out what she is entitled to. Then you can talk with hubby about how much your family can/wants to supplement for her needs.
Ask doctor for nicotine patches and help your mom to stop smoking.
My mum's illnesses were caused by smoking, but I know how hard it is for an older person to give up. If that, at least, gives her a way of making friends, it's turning a bad thing into a good.
My mom became miserable when she found out she was not going back home. She decided that she didn't want to cooperate with wheelchair transfers. My mom has Dementia and suffered with anxiety and depression. She is antisocial and does not participate in activities. I had to put my mom on anti-anxiety medication. It has calmed her down. My mom's health has declined because she refused to go to doctors while she was young. Now my mom is 85 and is in Hospice Care for severe heart issues. She is wheelchair bound as well. She has nothing to look forward to because she decided not to pursue any enjoyment. My mom has given up on her life because she became a widow during this process. I visit my mom everyday to keep an eye on her. My mom has me wrapped around her finger, but I have control over her care and my sanity.
It is frustrating with using the call button and waiting on Aides. Your mom may have UTIs occasionally. Staffing is not great in any of these facilities.
Just keep in touch with your mom and the administration. Follow your instincts.
What kind of pain is she in? The kind that countless doctors and tests and specialists haven’t been about to diagnose or treat?
So she gets cold when she smokes … (let’s not mention the link between smoking and chronic pain). Everybody knows smoking improves your health and happiness, right?). Maybe if she’s uncomfortable, she’ll do it less. If she has to figure out the bus or AL transport system to get herself cigarettes in the winter … she has 2 choices. Quit or learn.
We can’t expect our mothers to choose being happy if they’ve spent their lives choosing the opposite. My mother is who is in my minds eye as I type this. There are so many positives to AL if you choose to engage in them. I hope to afford AL myself eventually .. and will choose to participate in the community of AL. My mother chooses very differently and is miserable and complaining on a couch in her Al Apartment. But thinking back, that’s how she was in her home too. I shouldn’t have expected any different.
What is your mother pressing the call button for? If it’s not an emergency they should be running down the hall for - 30 is pretty good! Imagine that all the residents are pressing that call button for non emergency items all day and night long … and then there’s an occasional emergency in there .. and then think about how fast is reasonable for somebody to get to her place. I don’t know what’s reasonable, but I can imagine the variety of calls that come in; the ones that are like my Mom would be complaining nonstop while thinking they deserve the care the queen of England received.
I’d leave her where she is and adjust your expectations of her. If this is who she is - you’re only going to make yourself miserably hoping for a change. Put a little more time between your visits. When you visit can you get lunch with her at the cafeteria so she experiences it with you next to her?
Therapies can only help her and it is a proven fact that activity helps decrease pain. I would encourage you to take her out of her room for activities and learning that new wheelchair. You could make it fun and hopefully, she will start adjusting, it is still early days, don't be hasty in making any changes. Quite frankly, i don't think she would be happier at home, she might say she would but, happiness is in our hearts not our location.
Step back, breathe and give this some time to work out.
Going home isn't really feasible.
If she’s crying wolf constantly with her call button having to wait 30 minutes is pretty normal for Assisted Living.
She will likely be in a full nursing home soon enough, she better enjoy AL while she can.
You cannot control her happiness. You are correct. Bringing her home is no guarantee of happiness. She is elderly and things are not going to get better. In fact they will get worse and there will be more losses, more pain and more unhappiness. I am 82. I can assure you that aging is not about h-a-p-p-i-n-e-s-s. That isn't how aging is spelled. It is spelled in capitals: L-O-S-S.
You tell your mother you are very sad that she isn't happier. That you understand her losses, her grief, her mourning. That she should perhaps see a doctor to see if a mild anti-depressant might help a bit. You tell her that you mourn all this and it is hard to stand witness to her unhappiness, but that this is now the best, in fact the ONLY option. Let her know that running out of money in a home care situation would mean a nursing home, and that would be devastating.
Ultimately, and if she argues with you, you will tell her again that you are sorry, and that this is the best that can be done now.
That's it.
No happiness, no cheering, no banners, no parties. This is about TRYING to pull SOME contentment out for the time we must remain. And I stress the "must" because some of us long for an option. Your mother is burdening with the yoke that is too heavy because she believes you may have an answer. You DO NOT have the answer. THERE IS NO ANSWER.
I am so sorry. But your mom has had her life. Do not let her ruin yours. Do not throw your own life and contentment on her burning funeral pyre. She has no right to that. I say that as an 82 year old mom. Mom's generally come in two types. One will burden you with their own burden and one will lie and tell you "Yeah. Things are good!". You happen to have drawn the former. I am sorry for that because it causes children to feel things they should NOT have to carry.
A friend of mine had to put her mother in MC because they couldn’t afford $16k a month for sitters. People don’t realize how much this costs.
Your Mom may not be capable of being happy again , and that’s ok . She doesn’t have a lot to be happy about due to age , pain , immobility .
If Mom can’t afford homecare then that’s out of the question .
Unfortunately it sounds as if Mom may need SNF nursing home if she can not do PT OT .
See what the new pain doctor says . And does Mom know she needs to improve to stay in AL , rather than go to a nursing home where she would most likely share a small room ? Perhaps it would motivate her . Or perhaps she will say she’s in too much pain for PT .
Some more time will tell .
You don’t say what her medical conditions are or if she may qualify for hospice .