Should I move into IL?

About your upcoming surgeries: You will probably qualify for a Rehab stay after your surgeries to help you regain enough mobility ,to be at home alone. I was in the same situation. After you go home, there my be continued PT and OT in your home for a few weeks until you are able to drive yourself to PT. You can hire housekeeping help if you need to, but you may find you can manage basic tasks by yourself. If you know what your post-surgical limitations will be, prepare ahead of time by having extra food on hand and perhaps buyingor renting adaptive equipment to see you through until you are mobile again. You do not need to cook banquets--you can do plenty with your microwave or stovetop.

As some have suggested, consider attending classes or joining groups via Zoom. Regularly seeing the same faces in Zoom classes and discussion groups makes a lot of people feel less lonely. Check on sites like AARP's Senior Planet. There are exercise classes, discussion groups, technology classes and interest group meetings. Zoom groups that allow a few minutes of socializing before and after class are very welcoming and might help you feel less lonely.

I am 71 and fairly healthy, so I’m close to your age. I just moved into an Independent Living Facility last month. I love it! I have made so many friends, and I really enjoy the activities, which are designed to help people socialize. If I need privacy or solitude, I have my own apartment, which is just the right size. Others mentioned just renting an apartment (not age-restricted). My experience doing that was that younger people are always coming and going from their jobs, so although they are friendly, there is not much interaction. I love it here. I have a group I walk with every evening, a Mahjong group, a balance class, and a movie group. There is also a grief group run by a social worker. Visit some places. If you find a good fit, IL is a wonderful lifestyle for those of us who need girlfriends who “get” us.

Within a year of my FIL passing my MIL decided to move to an independent living facility her mother had been in. She managed 8 rental properties on her block and added her home to make 9. She investigated various rental property managers among other things.
After a year, she got bored at the ILF and informed all her children that she was purchasing a manufactured home in the area and moving there. It was closer to her church and senior community center she was involved in. She made friends in the park, she continued her church activities, she made friends (card playing among other things) at the senior center.
She found ways to make simple meals and applied for meals on wheels. She passed three years after moving into the manufactured home that worked well for her until her cancer returned with a vengence.
My point is that depending on your money situation, a decision today doesn't have to be the end of decision making or life.

Rent out a room to a caregiver , that”s younger then you that can help you around the house and keep you company , its much harder to get help in an apartment.

IL will not help you make friends any easier than where you are living now. You need to get out of the house and find groups of people to mingle with. May I make a few suggestions:
find a grief group like Griefshare to deal with your loss and the changes that losing your spouse has brought,
find a support group for people with arthritis - many local hospitals can point to you a support group - to help you find ways to cope with this disease process,
find a sewing group that meets weekly,
join a local faith community (church, synagogue, mosque) and get involved with a ladies group that meets weekly,
try new hobbies and activities through classes, seminars... through local recreation center, local college, YMCA etc.,
volunteer for a worthy cause at least weekly,
consider getting a part time job - you meet people and make a little money to spend on the other things you enjoy.

FYI - IL is more expensive than just downsizing to a smaller apartment. To consider how big your downsized home should be, start clearing out "extra rooms" and sell or donate the "extra items". Live in the smaller part of your home (kitchen, bedroom, living room...) for several months to make sure the "fit" is right. After this, then sell your home and move someplace smaller - preferably with ADA compliance.
A condo is probably better than renting an apartment - you own the "home" and others do the yardwork and maintain the building. My mom (80s) is doing very well in a ground floor condo in a smaller complex. The association fees are modest. She goes to a local church and helps lead a Bible study. She helps weekly at the food pantry. She has joined the local YMCA using their Silver Sneakers program to do water aerobics. She has made friends with some of her neighbors by walking the neighborhood, gardening, and intentionally inviting some to dinner to to play games.

Thank you for asking for support here. I am very sorry for your loss. I know how hard this is. I congratulate you on getting out and doing your sewing/being engaged in your own life as you are).

If I were in your shoes, I'd consider:

1) Re-searching facilities that have levels of care (ind living, AI so as a person needs more care, it is available).

2) Ask what the time line is to get in - some have YEARS waiting lists so it could serve you to sign up now for later.

3) It might be an advantage to sell your home and move into a smaller unit now so you'd feel more ... ease / relaxed although this won't necessarily deal with your feeling alone / lonely.

4) While you are deciding how to proceed, pursue:

- Activities for seniors at senior centers.

- If it is an option, check out NEXT DOOR for groups you can join.

- I'd personally recommend Rick Hanson "Zoom" Wed nights 6pm. While it is a meditation / dharma talk, it could support you. He is a neuro-psychologist, Ph.D., focusing on neuro-plasticity (how the brain changes with our intentional directing). He has a lovely disposition; 400+- people join weekly fr around the world.

- Contact local Churches to see what activities they have.

- Get into a grief group

- What about getting a little doggy? Or kitty? Pets can provide huge support to an older person (I so wish I could get a dog... a toy poodle). If you are so inclined to consider, contact rescue centers for breeds you might be interested in.

- Call City Hall / Senior Services Dept and ask for referrals.

Being shy may mean doing a behavior that is uncomfortable. Remember, you can get to an event and not be forced to say anything ... or say, "I feel shy" - you'll find many people feel this way - and dealing with feeling lonely, at the same time.

In other words, be more 'pro-active' now in dealing w feeling lonely.
Part of these feelings is the grief ... and playing Bingo (or poker) may not mean you won't feel 'lonely,' but it will help you re-direct your feelings / focus and meet others. It is a way to get started. And, when you do, ACKNOWLEDGE yourself.

Consider getting into therapy for support.

These new behaviors are not easy.
Thank you for writing us here.

Gena / Touch Matters

I have always heard it is best to wait until it has been at least year after a loved one's death to make major decisions unless absolutely necessary. Consider visiting A LOT of IL, AL as well as SNF because you never know when an issue may require a step up. We began over 20 years ago after my husband was discharged from rehab for a broken hip. The rehab facility he was in was a very poor choice, but I had to make it on advice of social worker, with very little preparation and I never want to be in that situation again IF it can be avoided.

Almost all facilities/communities will invite you to have a meal with them and add you to their invitation list for future activities. This can be a nice social outlet for you as well just be sure you emphasize you are only on a fact-finding mission for the future. Some will even offer a free overnight or weekend visit. This is a great way to observe how the staff interacts with the residents, talk to residents and their families to hear first hand experiences rather than only the PR view. Some facilities do not require a long-term contract and if you could afford it, you can even try it for a month or so before selling your house. While I did not find "the one" at that time, I found some that I knew were not a good fit so I could avoid them. There will never be a "perfect" one and if you think you have found it... look a little closer so when you move in, to be aware of some of the negatives and it is easier to accept later if you go in informed ahead of time.

Just keep in mind, all facilities go through staff changes at times... especially managers and the atmosphere can change drastically. Consider visiting each one in the area and keep in mind you may want to have a Plan B and even a Plan C option in the future. All of this can lessen the stress you have with future choices that may need to be made. When possible, I prefer to control my future with informed decisions rather than having to depend of family who probably knows less about the issues and definitely would like to avoid being left to only a social worker's advice... but sometimes even that isn't all bad.

Whatever you decide, definitely consider beginning to downsize NOW all you have collected over the years. We had to go through 30 years of attic accumulations and most of it was thrown out anyway... we could have enjoyed a half empty attic for several years had we started sooner! Anything you can sell, give away, throw out now can make the job so much easier. Shredding even one out-dated piece of paper can be a huge stress relief, even bringing joy, knowing it is a decision I won't have to make later! LOL The one thing that motivates me most is hearing about a friend dying... I do not want my children to have all the responsibility fall in their hands. You can probably relate to some of this with your losing your husband and decisions about his personal belongings. Please begin now checking into veterans benefits for spouses, especially if you did not tap into them for your husband. You may be amazed at what you may be eligible for depending on his military experience. At the least you may qualify for VA Aid and Attendance if you begin needing assistance.

you would have to check the state rules and regulations for assisted living, I myself would have to find a place that lets me keep my car, I at 77 would be lost without it as far as friends you won't know until you move in the neighborhood.

Hi Farmkiti, I feel compelled to share personaI experience.
Lived on a huge ranch 30 years and l downsized with each move, finally to 5 acres, then 1/2 acre to keep last horse out back. It takes years to properly downsize, gifting, selling, donating. Auction saved me with folks in the beginning yet scratched surface.
I had the small place near the border in AZ and another large 2b condo on beach in Mexico, where I lived the past 13 years till '22 when my daughter died leaving 6 kids home. My entire life changed. Spent 3 months in AZ place, upgrading,reparing and sorting thru storage sending boxes of keepsakes to my grandkids. Really planned on staying as communication & travel was much easier, though after getting the place fixed up had incredible offer to sell. Couldn't turn it down, went back to Mexico where once again I was offered great opportunity to sell. I'd already checked out a 55+ place in Tucson, modern apartment living for us baby boomers. Now, after 2 1/2 years, living in 55+ active community in Phoenix, I'm considering moving again. Have multiple autoimmune issues and though there's tons of people around with activities to choose from, I can't mop my floors and throw ribs out reaching for microwave. I can walk a short distance before hips freeze or lower back goes out, to name a few. Clearly appreciative of having rides to appts and getting a personal shopper for Walmart excursions, I understand the benefits of this "upgrade". My sister/executor has been pushing for this move 2 years. The costs vary yet standard cost $750 to $2,000 above the rent being paid for condo living so you tend to put off as long as possible. My Mexico condo payment goes directly to my rent presently so IL will dip into my savings base and by waiting I've already saved $32,000, a nice downpayment or carry over to upgrade healthcare. All big issues to consider. After touring numerous IL & AL communities I'm looking forward to Jan relocation. Each facility is different, this one is similar to old fashioned apartment living: only 2 floors, private front and back doors, community swimming pools, centralized mailboxes, tons of walkways, etc. The place is more private than the 55+ as there's no shared hallways. When you've owned your own place, sometimes distant from neighbors, you miss that quiet time after being woken by someone yelling in the hall, music blaring outside for aquatics and everyone guessing everyone's business.
I'd be remiss to not mention the early comoradarie found here as 3 gals had knee/hip replacement and had plenty of community support afterwards. And you can have tasty, healthy meals delivered to your condo for $190.00 monthly as well as arrange your own home Healthcare when needed. In my case I'm just ready for someone else to do the work. Had an incredible life and would like to get my memoirs on tape.

Good luck in your endeavors, am certain you'll make the best choice for you.

Hi Farmkiti, I feel compelled to share personaI experience.
Lived on a huge ranch 30 years and l downsized with each move, finally to 5 acres, then 1/2 acre to keep last horse out back. It takes years to properly downsize, gifting, selling, donating. Auction saved me with folks in the beginning yet scratched surface.
I had the small place near the border in AZ and another large 2b condo on beach in Mexico, where I lived the past 13 years till '22 when my daughter died leaving 6 kids home. My entire life changed. Spent 3 months in AZ place, upgrading,reparing and sorting thru storage sending boxes of keepsakes to my grandkids. Really planned on staying as communication & travel was much easier, though after getting the place fixed up had incredible offer to sell. Couldn't turn it down, went back to Mexico where once again I was offered great opportunity to sell. I'd already checked out a 55+ place in Tucson, modern apartment living for us baby boomers. Now, after 2 1/2 years, living in 55+ active community in Phoenix, I'm considering moving again. Have multiple autoimmune issues and though there's tons of people around with activities to choose from, I can't mop my floors and throw ribs out reaching for microwave. I can walk a short distance before hips freeze or lower back goes out, to name a few. Clearly appreciative of having rides to appts and getting a personal shopper for Walmart excursions, I understand the benefits of this "upgrade". My sister/executor has been pushing for this move 2 years. The costs vary yet standard cost $750 to $2,000 above the rent being paid for condo living so you tend to put off as long as possible. My Mexico condo payment goes directly to my rent presently so IL will dip into my savings base and by waiting I've already saved $32,000, a nice downpayment or carry over to upgrade healthcare. All big issues to consider. After touring numerous IL & AL communities I'm looking forward to Jan relocation. Each facility is different, this one is similar to old fashioned apartment living: only 2 floors, private front and back doors, community swimming pools, centralized mailboxes, tons of walkways, etc. The place is more private than the 55+ as there's no shared hallways. When you've owned your own place, sometimes distant from neighbors, you miss that quiet time after being woken by someone yelling in the hall, music blaring outside for aquatics and everyone guessing everyone's business.
I'd be remiss to not mention the early comoradarie found here as 3 gals had knee/hip replacement and had plenty of community support afterwards. And you can have tasty, healthy meals delivered to your condo for $190.00 monthly as well as arrange your own home Healthcare when needed. In my case I'm just ready for someone else to do the work. Had an incredible life and would like to get my memoirs on tape.

Good luck in your endeavors, am certain you'll make the best choice for you.

The challenges you describe sound like you might be a good fit for an independent living apartment on paper. My mom moved a little over a year ago to one of these communities, so here are a few thoughts from my observations.

I am 65 and my mother is 86. The vast
majority of the residents are my mom’s age or older, and her physical condition or worse. She uses a walker and has poor eyesight ( just recently sold her car) but can get around the building fine. She enjoys going out to lunch with us and some of the outings the facility offers. The residents and staff are very friendly and mom has made new friends. She actually helps some of the other residents, I can think of one lady who would probably need assisted living if not for help from mom and other residents.

Mom has a cat and she enjoys her and the other residents’ pets. She has a full kitchen and can cook whatever she wants, although what she makes is mostly limited to soups or convenience foods. I should mention that if you happen to have special dietary needs, most facilities won’t be the most accommodating. Mom is T2 diabetic and has a lot of struggles with the food service. The facility has transportation to doctors appointments and she usually takes advantage of that but my brother or I do take her to some appointments.

You are about my age. For me, I would prefer to live in a more diverse community (age-wise). I’d love not having to clean or do home maintenance, but I’m still able to and don’t want to give up my home. But I must say, her apartment is as nice and as large as a typical apartment and the neighbors are nice and less potentially troublesome than other neighbors might be.

It might be a little easier to make friends in these places; it’s almost like a college dorm sort of vibe, just for 80 year olds.

sorry for the novel!! I hope you find some of this helpful. Good luck!

Many Continuing Care Communities will allow you to "Try on" the community to see if it would be what you would want.
Tour a few and see what you think.
When you find one you particularly like ask if you could do a trial period. Some may do a week or two. I am not sure what the fees would be for a week or two but I can't imagine it would be more than a week vacation (or 2).
If you like the area where you live now, search that area, if you have a desire to move now would be a good time to search another location.

Just thought I would mention this....
The advice that is normally given is to make no major changes for at least 1 year after you have had a life changing event in your life. The death of a spouse is top of the list.

These ccrcs are out of reach for most of us. One charges about 600k as a deposit against needing higher than al services in the future. The one my dh works for has residents buy condos with a 7000/month hoa that doesn’t include aide help on the regular. If you want that you have to move into an assisted living room at 14000, and you can’t even rent your unit.

since my husband and i worked everyday and she would be home alone with no one to talk to, my mother moved into an independent living facility.

she didnt make many friends but she was cared for: her apartment cleaned, food prepared and served, van rides available.

life wasnt perfect with my dad gone but it was certainly better than being alone.

there are facilities available with independent living, memory care and assisted living with care giving till the end.

i fully intend to move to one someday.

I would suggest joining a local or nearby Senior Center! Ours is very active with tons of activities from hiking, to knitting, to bingo, etc...Check on it! Good luck, and don't rush quite yet.

It is my understanding that many AL facilities also have iL as well. It seems to me the activities are conducive to meeting others in similar circumstances. Call and visit some to see if it mjght be a good fit. Good Luck.

A couple years after my wife of 47 years died, I joined a senior Meetup group.
It consisted of activities like breakfasts, lunches, occasional dinners, dances, going to plays, concerts and outdoor games like bocci, bowling and although I don't play a lot of the "senior" card games, we had a monthly poker game and potluck which was a ton of fun..
I highly recommend this as a place to have activities with friends your age and get out a bit.
meetup.com has groups nationwide.
You might check it out.

Assisted living is pretty independent, you can ask not to get "well-checks" but after having surgery...why not? The meals are pretty good,some apts have a washer and dryer plus they cover the utilities/cable and the community has lots of outings like bus rides to stores and other places. It's very stressful to go through everything you've acquired over the years but you're right, it's too much now,take it slowly. Your health and safety is better off in a facility where you are seen frequently and would be missed if something were to happen to you. I believe they gave Mom a fob for calling for help, just in case. AL does have you sign out and back in but that's for your protection and for them to know that you might not be there for meals. I took Mom out for overnights to the casino and they would laugh and ask her if she won. Please, it's going to be difficult getting everything done, take a breath and don't let it get to you. I think I grew 10 years older trying to get everything out and the house sold for Mom.

Perhaps in addition to considering moving you can find a bereavement group in your area. Being with people who have had a similar loss is very healing and you will find there are others who also want to connect by going to dinner or other activities together. I found it very helpful but usually they suggest attending at the six month mark. Good luck and good job on thinking on ways to move forward. It’s a really good sign!

One of the advantages of living in a senior community is that many of them organize social and other activities. It can be easier to make friends. Many of them provide one or mor meals per day, housekeeping, and other services that make life easier for seniors. Consider moving to a senior community near relatives, so that they can visit more easily. While you are recovering from your surgeries, the hospital can connect you with a social worker who can arrange for home aides to help you. It might be a good time to sell your house and downsize to a smaller apartment, even if you don't pick one in a senior residence. Do it while you are still capable of handling the downsizing process and the move. A good way to meet people is to do activities that you like: join a sewing club, or a book club, take a class at a local school, etc. Good luck as you transition to your new phase of life!

I agree with the "take is slowly" approach. Wait till after the first anniversary and definitely don't move before your knee surgeries are done. That way you have the "surgery support network" in place.
At 82/83 we are asking ourselves the same questions. Currently, I am quietly donation / chucking as best I can. Just look at one item at a time - you'd be surprised what you have not used in years - and probably won't, even if you stay in the house.
Get a house cleaner - please. I've had one for 10 years and she is a godsend.
Ditto a gardener. Mine comes when I ask so it's not a monthly commitment.
Get used to hiring for what you need done - need new faucet, buy what you like and get a local handyman to install it (or let him advise on the faucet) - that kind of thing. The expense is still less than rent elsewhere, assuming you have no mortgage.
Indeed, libraries and senior centers provide company and interest groups.
For any of the above, ask your neighbors and friends for referrals.
Good luck going forward. You are asking the "right" questions. Just do what feels right for you in the new year. We're right there with you. :)
Sonja

Sorry for the loss of your husband. Do you have any relatives? Perhaps some of them may come up with ideas for fun activities. How about Zoom social meetups to share interests? What will you do for surgery recoveries, go to a rehab facility or hire help in your home? As one reader said, take your time with changes, one step at a time. Moving is a major life event. All the best for you.

As you begin to adjust to living without your husband, pay attention to your own hobbies and interests, It has not been quite a year since your husband died; adjusting to your new reality is an ongoing process. You mention sewing. Are there any senior centers or churches in your area that have sewing groups or could help connect you to organizations that are looking for volunteers who can do sewing projects. That kind of activity could help you begin to connect with people.

You might decide to move to Independent or Assisted Living at some point, but don't make a move just b/c you are lonely. Independent apartments and Assisted Living do not guarantee friendships. Participate in activities that interest you and freindships may develop as a result. It does not work to make friend-finding the goal. There will be times you will feel lonely. Honor that and accept it but don't let it take over your life. Find things you enjoy doing, even a little bit at a time. The "enjoy" times will get longer and the lonely times will get shorter. You will always miss your husband and feel that loss, but you will earn to carry that loss with you as you go on about your life.

Hire the help you need for chores and home and yard maintenance at least for now. You might find occasional senior service or church volunteer help for minor jobs, but I have found that even the most well-meaning volunteers really are not up to the task and that it's better to hire professional help and get things done right.

It might be best to do this before you have the next accident. In that way you get to choose what to bring and what to sell off or donate. You might be surprised about making new friends and enjoying the activities. I do nort recommend 55 +. I live in one now and still have to cook, clean, and go out for my own supplies

With IL you need to be doing for yourself. If you need help, you patpy extra. From your explanations of needs, an AL maybe a better option. You can then compare IL vs AL.

I was going to suggest looking at a 55+ community first.

An over-55 community might be the answer. Mine has many activities including special interest clubs, trips, entertainment, and each neighborhood is a social entity where being helpful to each other is encouraged. Lots to like! No apartments, all freestanding houses from 1300 sf up.

My first question would be , have you toured any of them ?
They don’t all seem to be the same . The residents can vary in different IL’s . Some the residents are more active than others . You would want it to be the right fit for you .

The other question is , cost . Typically IL would be more expensive than living in a typical apartment complex . So I guess it also depends on how much money you have to last you for the rest of your life . This is often why many stay at home until they need AL . Only you know your finances , we don’t .

I do agree that your current home sounds too much for you to stay there . Good luck with your surgeries .

I'm 68 and too lost my husband in March of '23. I'm currently at Dad's caring for him until he decides to leave this world. When he's gone I plan to sell my big home and move into a tiny home community. This way there are still folks around so I don't feel all alone (which to tell the truth - I would love being alone!) But maybe that might be something you can look into as well. Tiny Home 399sq - 1 bd, 1bd no stairs, less space to clean up. Downsizing to a Tiny Home is my dream. I'm alone now and plan to stay that way. If interested - check out Mr. Tiny on Recreational Resort Cottages - You Tube channel. https://www.youtube.com/@RecreationalResortCottages My Best Wishes to You!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Downsize to something more manageable for you, to stay out of any facility, be it IL, AL, NH, etc. They drain the life, no pun out of many residents, especially those who still have most if not all their faculties.

To put it this way an 81 yr old man was gifted a snow blower; he not only does his sidewalks when it snows, but his neighbors as well. This is probably partly what keeps him active. It also helps that he lives in a community where you really don't need a car.

Good luck!!