Ever since I was little I have always tried to take care of my family. I remember at 6 years old cooking and cleaning the house and taking care of my younger brother while my parents were at work. I never had a chance to enjoy a regular childhood. Different events traumatized me. My mother would always be so difficult with me. Calling the police on me constantly for small issues if I said or did something she didn’t like always threatening to kick me out, insulting me, picking fights with me, trying to physically fight me. My dad as well was emotionally abusive. Anything you did he would call you “stupid”. I became like a second mom to my brother at a young age. Even with all the abuse I loved my family. Fast forward to age 24 both of my parents were diagnosed with cancer at the same time. I become both of their care takers. The stress of working, taking them to chemo, lack of sleep, going to school, cooking, maintaining the house, and running back and forth to doctor appointments became too much for me. I had to choose my education or my family. I chose my family. While my younger brother moved out of state and pursued his education I stayed back and took care of my two parents. My dad unfortunately lost his battle with cancer and he died in front of me. His loss hit me especially hard and not to mention my mom still was sick. Her cancer would come and go and it returned again and she is currently taking treatment. I know having cancer can’t be easy but to me that isn’t an excuse to be such an *sshole to your only daughter and the only person who takes care of you and does everything to make you happy. She can work and move around even though she takes chemo but she has days were it’s really hard.
I’m not perfect but I have always put the needs of my family before me. I always cook for my mom even before her diagnosis, I give her money, buy her gifts, pay for vacations for her, call her at work constantly, find ways to make her laugh, but she has been so nasty to me. She’s always yelling at me, screaming at me for little things, always trying to kick me out even now, she still calls the police on me sometimes, even after all I do for her. And even when I pay bills. I ask myself if I’m adopted sometimes. Whenever we have little disagreements she goes weeks without talking. I always have to apologize. She never admits her wrongs. I am the child and she is the parent so to her she is always right. My younger brother never got this type of treatment. Then again he is the one who went off to college and is her “golden child”. She treats him so well yet I’m the one who takes care of her. I feel so alone & helpless. I try my best, especially since she’s sick, to be the best daughter possible but it’s never good enough. The only person who encourages me is my boyfriend who lives out of the country. But any little happiness I have it’s like my mom finds a way to take it from me. My boyfriend and I are planning to get married & start our lives. My mom picks a fight and then tells me she wants nothing to do with our marriage. In my culture I need her blessing, if not the marriage won’t last. I feel so trapped. Recently I fell sick and asked her to please take me to the hospital she told me “she has my brother to take care of”. He has moved out, in part I know to get away from the hell at home, he can support himself yet she focuses on him in my time of need. She told me to leave her house, To take care of myself, and yelled at me. I was in tears and had to struggle to drive myself to the hospital. She never called to check on me. Nothing. It’s like other people mean more to her than me. I’ve tried my best to show her love but I don’t feel loved in return. I made a promise to my dad before he died to stay home and take care of my mom and that when I get married I could move. I have tried to honor his wishes but I’m becoming impatient and I seriously just want to elope and never speak to her again. I’m tired of feeling so worthless.
You have done more than enough for both your parents, and now it's time for you to put yourself first and enjoy your life. It's not up to children to take care of their parents. And the fact that you "promised" your father that you would take care of your mom, well you have done the best you can and if that isn't good enough,(probably never will be) then it's time to move on and live your life with your boyfriend.
Your mom probably gave you a gift when she told you to "leave her house and take care of yourself." That's exactly what you need to do. Period.
Shame on your parents, and any parents that makes their children feel "worthless". You are not worthless. You are a child of the Most High God, and He doesn't make anything or anyone worthless.
Now go live your life, knowing that you did the very best you could, and don't look back. Life is too short, as you already know. Best wishes.
Find an apartment or someone to move in with.
You are still available on YOUR terms to help your mom but you will have your life.
Take care of yourself first. When people say that in the back of your mind you think, yeah ok..but what does it really mean. It is not just a Physical..take care of your self, like keep yourself well (so you can continue to care for the person you are caring for) or wear a seat belt, or don't trip on the curb.
When I tell someone to "Take care of yourself first" I think of it as a Body, Mind, Spirit. You need all to be a whole person.
So take care of yourself...Body, Mind and Spirit. You can still care for mom but save some energy for you and your life.
Your mom has shown you your entire life what she thinks of you, believe her. She will never give you the love and care that you are trying to earn from her, you can not change her. So for your own wellbeing, get out. Let her live her life and you move on to live your life. Mourn the loss of both your parents and live a happier life.
If you can not walk away by yourself, then find a therapist that can help you walk away. You are laying down and letting her use you as a doormat, only you can stand up and put a stop to it. Do it! Your dad was being further abusive when he exacted a death bed promise from you. You are not bound by your promise, he was wrong to do that to you.
Go get married and start living your life. Your mom is young enough to figure it out for herself. I would walk away and never look back, no phone calls, no contact, no nothing ever again, she has destroyed her right to have anything to do with you.
just for one second, imagine you are not you, imagine to see a child, a little girl you see in the street ... the child is with her mom who's yelling at her... she doesn't cry but she's so scared, she feels threatened phisically, she's being called stupid, she's put into a corner and made feel guilty, convinced by lack of love and a drilled sense of obligation that she's nothing in life if she doesn't performs well enough to her parent wishes...
What would you do? I would take that little girl in my arms and run to take her somewhere safe. Wouldn't you?
Before marriage, before anything else, find yourself a safe place, phisically, emotionally and mentally, a safe person you can talk to as a therapist, then find some help for your mom, and be FREE from this madness. This is not what family is, or should feel like, this is abuse. Your life is too precious, that little girl needs you.
With much support
Arwen
You may require some help and guidance in combing out how to move forward if this is a role you have assumed from age 6. As to boyfriends, and eloping, my suggestion would be not running from or to, but healing yourself before jumping into relationships where you may tend to repeat habitual behavior. You owe your family nothing; that's not the question. But I suggest living alone and liking yourself a while before you jump from a pot to a fire.
Wishing the very best for you.
Run, don’t elope. I’m sure you don’t think it will apply to you, but many many women have looked for familiar traits in a partner who at first seemed very caring, and within a few years have found themselves in a bad situation. Just give yourself and your boyfriend some time and some space.
How is it that your boyfriend lives out of the country? How did you meet him?
My concern for you is that (in your culture, you mentioned) you would be marrying into a familiar culture where it seems ok to abuse women.
Anyhow, for your welfare, wait to get married, until it does not feel familiar to accept abuse. In many cultures, worth is measured in part whether you have a job. You said you work. Not worthless using that as a measurement.
You have called yourself Kindsoul. Again, not worthless.
Strangers have reached out to you here, and again, not worthless.
Your abusive mother (I believe you) has said:
" She told me to leave her house, To take care of myself, and yelled at me."
Do that. Save yourself. You are old enough.