Only either before or after. The holidays are reserved for spouses' families. My husband is in MC and no visitors so I’m alone now. When my LO was not sick with Alzheimer’s we had each other so it was better. My few remaining friends are with their own families. I feel totally alone on the holidays especially since COVID-19. As an aside, I have always been there both financially and emotionally when needed. Now I feel cast aside, not important enough to be considered.
I know sometimes we feel alone but know your family love and care very much for you. As you know with the pandemic family want to make sure that Seniors are protected due to weak immune systems.
Always remember the highlights of your family and know they love and care about you dearly. I pray that your husband have a speedy recovery so that the two of you can spend the holiday's together.
Maybe you can each eat your holiday meal chatting to each other. Tell him something good that you love about him. It could be a nice evening.
Mat each volunteer for meals on wheel or find out of anywhere is handing out presents or delivering food and offer to help. It might be fun.
Altho a word of warning if you deliver meals on wheels. Dont take anyone with you. I had the director push an elderly woman on me who lived at the independent apartment bld where I picked up the meals. She freaked out in my car and was screaming at the top of her lungs for 5 mins. She thought we were horribly lost. I had to pull over and calm her. Found out she had dementia and didnt want to wear a seat belt. So don't be roped into that. Go by yourself and you can be as friendly to the residents as you want. Dont take a stranger in your car lol.
If you are able, I'd suggest you volunteer to help serve a dinner for the homeless or spend time with veterans at the VA (even with a mask). See what's available and plan ahead. It may make your holidays more special than you can imagine.
This year may be different because of covid. I have a nephew, but he always spends holidays with his wife's family. So I may be alone. But I will plan something special, even if I have nobody to share the holiday. I will arrange a special meal for myself, watch a video of a favorite Broadway musical, enjoy a rich egg nog... Important thing is to plan ahead something special even if just for yourself.
Don't get hung up on which day you see them. Make plans when you can and enjoy the time without resentment.
I have never understood the families that don't include all the parents in the get-togethers. When I was growing up the holidays included all the inlaws and outlaws! All holidays! It was like we had extra sets of grandparents - all the cousins - aunts, uncles, etc.
You can also enjoy the holidays with them. I dont know why more people don't do this: set up your holiday meal at the table and the laptop on the table, and share a meal with them thru zoom, Skype or whatever app. You can still see them, chat, eat, laugh, see the kids. See what their eating, wearing, saying. Watch them open presents etc. So what your not in the room with them. Your still visiting! Better than a phone call.
It can be fun. You'll forget your not there.
My husb works long hrs and sometimes has to work holidays 12hrs! I make it special until he can come home. Go out of your way to pamper yourself so you don't feel lonely. Its all in the mind set. If you feel like I'm all alone this is horrible, it will be. If you think I'm gonna have fun anyway. You will. Good luck.
My father in law moved to the UK in 1992. In the early days he would fly out ever 18 months or so. But that got to be too expensive. I flew the kids out to see him in 2003 and 2017. My son at 24 has no real memories of his Grandpa.
I had it out with one of my ex’s cousins who complained that we travelled to the big city, but for the first time in 10 trips visited my side of the family, not hers. I explained in no uncertain terms that I was now prioritizing visiting my family as hers was far too demanding and dysfunctional. If she wanted to see my kids she could come to them.
I do think you are just with your thoughts. I feel your children should be more considerate. I guess they may have to be told this. I am sorry they don't realize your situation better.
This has worked out well over the years, especially when my mom was in a NH. We would book the community room for our party, mom could watch the grandkids and greatgrandkids open their gifts and could be wheeled back to her room when she grew tired.
Growing families require adjusting and flexible celebrations and traditions.
We did every other year rotation for Thanksgiving and Easter. One year his family and the next year my family.
We did Christmas Eve with one side of the family and Christmas Day with the other.
We could have never eaten two big meals on the same day! Yuck!
I also keep telling myself Christmas can be any day of the year. Yes tradition has always been to celebrate together on December 24 & 25th, but celebrating on another date can stretch out the celebration. This year will be so different for so many. The main thing is to stay safe and look forward to better days.
My sister's first grandchild was born on her own birthday. She thought all the attention will now be on him so the weekend before their BD she organizes her own dinner event.
So may I suggest, when Covid allows, you set up your own holiday before or after the official one and invite your kids that day. This year I plan on finding a way to volunteer somewhere to keep myself occupied.
I decided early on that I would not travel at Christmas when I had small children. Period, they got to spend their Christmas at home. I would invite family to join us after we had opened our gifts for a lavish brunch. My former mil complained that she wanted to see the kids open their gifts. Tough toodles, she showed up one Christmas morning while I was in the shower, then complained that I did not have breakfast made. Another year, she decided at 3 pm that she had to be somewhere else and insisted that my ex drive her to another engagement an hour away. He missed 2 hours of his Christmas with his children. After that I said no more.
Why can you not accept that a day before or a day after is just as valuable as the day itself? Many celebrate Christmas at the beginning of Advent, Christmas Eve or January 6th. December 25th is just a day on the calendar. And yes, I have spent the day alone. I have already bought my Christmas tea, wine and good book. Christmas Eve I will buy a meat and cheese plate from a local deli and I will be set for the day. Candles light, music in the background and enjoy myself.
This Christmas is different due to Covid. My son will be with me, and not going to see his Dad. But my plans will be the same.
At the very least, you can express that you are lonely, with LO being in MC and lock down. Perhaps they just haven't thought about it.
If you get along with the in-laws, perhaps they might invite you to join them? Without more info, hard to suggest asking to be there with them.
Perhaps instead of waiting to be invited on 'that' day, plan for next year to have your own gathering on the day and invite them EARLY, before any one else has the chance! This year will be tough no matter what, due to the virus. Sure, putting on a to-do for everyone can be daunting, but have it catered or buy the platters many places make up along with cakes, etc. Bake as much or as little as you want, just plan ahead and invite them to come to you! Ask for the grandkids to come set up the tree and decorate it in the days after Thanksgiving!
If that can't be done, make up your own special holiday and invite everyone over for that day. Give it a special name. Any day, preferably a nice day in the summer! Make it your own "holiday" to celebrate.
One final note - although it is fine to talk about your LO, try to keep it to a minimum or just the happier times. If you go on about how bad it is or how hard it is, etc, you become the gloomy Gus at a gathering that is intended to be joyful! Doesn't mean you forget about him or avoid the topic completely, just focus more on the others and the good times you all had back in the day.
(P.S. Lonely? Sure. My daughter works dispatch, off-shift, so I rarely see her and she has no kids. Son lives 1.5 hrs away, across town from his MIL, so they see each other often, while I haven't been there in a year. I usually try to get there a few times/year, but not this year! Am I jealous of her mother? Yup. But that's logistics. If my place were finished repairs, I could invite them here too, as the ride is tough on me, esp at night! Not having any luck finding people to do the work! My mother is in MC, like your husband and so I can't visit her. She can't hear either, so can't even stay in touch by phone or video. Brothers - one I will not mingle with ever again, the other, have no idea what he's doing, neither does he! Thankfully I have my kitties!)
You have a choice to either feel sorry for yourself or enjoy the time - especially since your children see you "around" the holidays. My kids live in other states so we can only visit virtually for every holiday this year.
Be flexible - if the holiday traditions are set - you might have to see them on days other than the holiday itself. Or the in laws might invite you to be a part of the already established tradition. Go with it.
The last thing you want to do is make demands that cause others stress and anger disrupting the patterns. I can't tell you how stressed out my husband and i had been for ten years with my inlaws, my mom, and my dad (parents divorced), all demanding that we travel to see them for the holidays (they didn't want to travel to see us) and it had to be ON the holiday - ON CHRISTMAS - not the week before, etc. Finally we were driving home during a snow storm, my son was then a toddler - squalling in the back - overtired and sugared-up, my DH and I were sniping at each other. We decided ENOUGH!!! We are a family too. So now we stay home for the winter holidays ON CHRISTMAS and travel before or after but no longer ON. It has caused no end of anger and screaming and guilt trips - but holidays are much more relaxed now... - for us. As my therapist said - "someone is going to be angry in this situation - why does it always have to be you" (ie, quit giving in all the time and being the angry one. decide and hold firm)
So think about what you want - inclusion. Give up trying to control how that inclusion looks - but it doesn't sound like you are being demanding in any way - just want to see them. Good luck and i hope you are able to do something with them.
Please talk to your children. Let them know exactly how you're feeling right now because they cannot read your mind. Especially if you've been a tower of strength all along and came across as their rock. Even rocks start to crumble after taking enough blows. Your kids may not realize that, however, so their lives are going on as usual. They may not be taking into consideration what YOU are going through now that your DH is in MC.
If your grown children are anything like my grown children, then they're self absorbed, especially if they're millennials. My son is particularly dense when it comes to his mother's feelings, while my daughter is somewhat better. I always let them know how I'm feeling and what I'd like from them, which is never money or 'stuff' but time and phone calls. There's nothing wrong with letting them know what YOU need nowadays, and what would make you happy. Don't use guilt-inducing tactics, of course, just truth & honesty. Let them know you're lonely and feeling unimportant and cast aside.
Last but not least, try to take the emphasis off of The Holidays and set up a regular routine of visits with your kids. Maybe once a week or even once a month you can have dinner together at your house (or whatever). We tend to put SO much importance on The Holidays that we wind up deflated and disappointed no matter WHAT.
Wishing you the best of luck making your wishes known, now. And getting through a difficult time with your DH in Memory Care. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace
Neither of our families placed this kind of pressure on us.
We did not have to eat two holiday meals from my family and in-laws. Who can eat that much food? 🤮 Yuck!
We spent Christmas Eve at one house and Christmas Day at the other. I always felt sorry for people that both sides of the family expected them to be at the dinner table. It’s ridiculous to eat two holiday meals the same day!
At a certain point I took over the holiday cooking. It was fun at first, then became such a headache!
Our family also declares other days as the holiday because of my children's spouse's family commitments and work schedules ( hospitals never close). Is there anyway you could get together with a friend or neighbor and celebrate on the holiday? You could do something simple like appetizers or a dessert get together. I know its not the same but you would not feel as lonely.
My sons grew up in the flexible view of when holidays should be celebrated. I understand that their preference to go with the holiday preferences of their significant others for holidays is based on the notion that I am "easier" to deal with. I can accept that. Do let your children know that you would like a turn in the holiday rotation since it is obviously important to you. I, too, like to be in the rotation once in a while.
It is important to consider that they may not know that you need them more, now that your husband no longer lives with you. It sounds like you have always been quite self-sufficient in the past. I don't push it much because it is more important to me that they have peace with their significant others and enjoy the holidays rather than have a particular hour or two punched in as mine.
As for COVID, we are all suffering from some isolation these days. Learn to use Zoom or FaceTime and set up times to visit with your family virtually. My husband and I really treasure those times when we manage to make it work with the other family members. The 20-minute call to my sons, grandson, and eldest sister was the highlight of our Thanksgiving. I hope you can work out something similar with one or two of your children. It helps so much.
I refuse to place pressure upon myself or others. To each his own. Live and let live.
I love the lovely spirit of the holiday season and I detest the commercialism of it.
The only thing I expect from others at the holidays is to do whatever they wish to do. That is what I want from them in return.
I’m not a full fledged Scrooge. I don’t go bonkers with the holidays either. It’s like everything else in my life. I don’t lean heavily one way or the other.
I have a really good friend that has a very crappy family.
For years she has told me something she learned from her therapist, “We can’t pick our family. We can choose our friends. Good friends can fill the void of not having close family members.” So true! I agree with her.
My friend hosts a holiday dinner for her friends every year and considers her friends her family.
It will be a lonely year for many people this year, due to Covid.
Wishing everyone who will be alone this year peace and joy.
On the up side, Covid will not last forever. Have faith that there will be happier days ahead.
I don’t place enormous importance on certain days. I love surprises in life.
Many years ago, my boyfriend, now husband picked me up from work.
He had a beautifully wrapped gift for me, lovely French perfume!
I was so surprised and wondered why was I receiving a gift.
It wasn’t my birthday, nor Valentine’s, an anniversary of any kind, nor was it Christmas...so I asked my boyfriend, “What’s the gift all about?” His response, “It is an I love you gift, it is not about a ‘special’ occasion.’
I adored that gift for what it represented, pure love!
Any day can represent the spirit of love, peace and joy.
Welcome the beautiful surprises in life.
Don’t pigeon hole it to specific days of the year.
All the commercialism takes away from the joy of just being with people who care about you. If family is not a good fit then friends and neighbors.
As you and he used to enjoy the holidays together, I expect the children got out of the habit of expecting you.
[I have to say, this year isn't a great time to resume it, either. Nobody ever described anything as "the most fun you can have with your mask on." Still - different subject!]
There are three of them. I imagine you wouldn't want to be guilty of favouritism. So that means rotating, and you could do it in age order, and perhaps the best and simplest thing would be to tell them that that's what you'd like to do in future years ["now that Covid has made me rethink everything" might be a handy opening, actually] and ask if they like the idea too.
You do get on with all the in-lawses, do you? By the way?
My LO has been in MC one year and it’s been a rocky adjustment for him. Therefore there was lots of stress . Yes I get on famously with my daughters-in-law. The wisest advice I received was to speak up. And I did. One of my sons who lives the closest will come for dinner Christmas Day with two of my grandchildren. His wife will come next day with her daughter. I am delighted and no pressure; no guilt as some have alluded to. Just asked.
My other sons and their families live out of state and COVID-19 restricts travel
How true and how OLD is that saying??
I am BLESSED with 4 daughters who carefully split their time with their husband's families. I have one son who does what his wife wants and there's no discussing it.
They will blow into town for 4 short days and we will see them for 5 or 6 hours, then they spend the rest of their time with her family because "they are so much more fun". (read: alcoholics).
I never say a word to my son, there is no point. We are not close to their kids--now that the 2 oldest have phones, I can text them, but that's it.
I have learned, the hard way, that holidays make me crazy--like depressed, angry, crying crazy. Nobody did this to me, I did it to myself, by placing expectations on myself to make every holiday some kind of Hallmark movie.
The last 2 years, I was dealing with cancer and completely unable to do up any holidays in the 'normal' manner, and guess what? They all came and went and it was FINE. One Christmas I went to bed after gifts had been opened and slept all day.
This year, I am better, but with COVID, we're struggling to find a way to all be together and it's not going to happen. We will have to 'round robin' the families and since my DH and I are both high risk for COVID, we can't even be around one of our families. Will the world END because of this? No, and I doubt the grands will even really notice.
I've already done a lot of service projects, and will be doing something of a service nature from now until Christmas. Our church has encouraged us to reach out past the Christmas season with service and care.
Scaling back the holidays is good for the soul, I think. So many years I would go into a deep blue funk in January b/c I was so burned out. That's just not possible this year, as I am cutting back so much.
And as far as telling your kids you'd love to be involved and see them on the holidays, asking them can't hurt. Maybe they have reason to believe you don't WANT them to come over...who knows what they are thinking?
This was for reasons.
1) My sister had a child in 2011 and my other sister had her children in the oughts. Of the holidays, T-giving and Christmas would be when I saw all of them in their childhood. My whole family is rather spare about doing the holidays, and in the best of years, we'd see them on a quarterly basis.
2) SO's parents, conversely, have always seen their children almost daily. That's because we happen to live so close to them. She gets her way this year because my whole family blew up Christmas due to Covid, and because we've all been taking care of them of late.
And as a gift to yourself- give to others. The biblical adage 'it is better to give than it is to receive' is so true... helping others is often the best balm for a hurt soul. Could you do something for the residents in the AL facility... perhaps a batch of non-religious holiday cards with a little note. I'm sure there are plenty of people who are never remembered and who might find it comforting to know that someone is thinking of them.
I hope you find cheer and comfort during this holiday season and going forward in the new year.
Do you live in the same town? Do you know and like any of the inlaws? I think if is often hard for the kids to come to familial peace not only with WHERE all this is done, but HOW. I come of a family that opened gifts one at a time, appeciating each.....to a family with too many gifts torn to pieces willy-nilly.
For me Holidays do nothing but burden people with expectations. I love the cards and connecting with old pals, love the lights, and that is ALL I love of Christmas. This year, in all my 78 years, a first for me. I will celebrate as I always wanted to, with NO PRESENTS (even the grandkids are now grown) and with gifts to Charities I love. I am having such a good time picking them out. And now I no longer have to worry about picking stuff for folks with too much stuff already, and opening stuff I have to figure what to do with as I downsize for the final exit.
We are all unique in our feelings about Holidays, especially Christmas. Books and movies are done on the subject. I would say make your feelings gently known. But understand while you try to change things that you are dabbling with "traditions" and there could be pushback.
Many years ago, when I was a single parent, and had to share holidays with my ex, I would often feel down and depressed on the holidays without my children, so I decided to quit feeling sorry for myself and do something good for someone else. I delivered meals on wheels one year, and volunteered at the local soup kitchen another. It was so much fun, and helped me put into perspective what life is really about.
So maybe it's time to change your perspective, and get out there and do something good for someone else. You may just be surprised how good in return it makes you feel as well. Wishing you a blessed Christmas season.
Like you, the holidays had to be shared with the ex and his family. The MIL was one of those who couldn't get enough - all day every day wouldn't have been enough! Rather than stress the kids out, we adjusted and "celebrated" on another day, if it wasn't our turn. It stinks when one feels excluded, but perhaps these "in-laws" are more like my former MIL - never any thought about what SHE wants vs what others might want. Same went on for weekends, birthdays, etc.
Personally I am tired of the various "days" that occur in winter or soon to be winter (cold, potential for snow or ice here.) Multiple birthdays in Dec and Jan... I've been suggesting we have one big bash in July to celebrate all the winter holidays and birthdays!! Even when places I worked took away several holidays and gave us Xmas week off I was miffed. Most everyone else was working, weather is stinky so can't really have fun outside much, so a whole week off to share a day or two with others - GIVE ME THAT WEEK IN JULY!!!