My mom just moved in with us and its not a good fit, both emotionally and physically (the house is not big). She is a brittle type, 1 diabetic and wants to be close to us so we can keep an eye on her, to spend more time with grandkids, and save money because she has no retirement plan/money for proper care or her own home. I recently got her on medicare/medi-cal and she is on SSI. I aim to get her onto as many other in-home care services as possible - including PACE. We are planning to buy another house nearby and to leave her in our first home. She would rather we buy a bigger house to include her or build her an ADU so she can be closer. It feels like a big ask. My whole relationship with her is rooted in fear and guilt and although I want to do everything for her, I am keeping into consideration the sanity of my wife, kids, and I.
You are protecting your peace and your family's peace and there is nothing wrong with that. 🙏
"I want to do everything for her..." This statement is problematic because you will regret it on every level as her neediness increases, even if she's living in a separate location... she will still need daily care eventually. Many a loving and well-meaning adult child could *never* imagine the exhausting commitment this will eventually entail -- especially if your Mom doesn't have enough financial resources. THere are plenty of posts on this forum from those adult children lamenting the fact that they painted themselves into a corner and now their mental health, finances and marriages are in dire jeopardy with few solutions.
You need to have clear and strong boundaries with your Mom. She already doesn't wish to see or respect them, she's only thinking about herself. All of you can only imagine her current needs, not the probability of her developing cognitive/memory impairment, bowel and urine incontinence, loss of mobility, etc. Even is she lives in the other home, who will be orbiting around her daily to care for her? Don't assume your spouse and kids will help -- it will become more than you can handle in spite of willingness. No one should be assumed into the caregiving role. Your Mother shouldn't assume you and you cannot assume anyone else. Does your spouse not have any aging parents as well? What will you do then?
You are doing the right thing by finding as many social services for her as possible. If you are going to manage her affairs she MUST make you her PoA for both financial and medical. If she won't do this, this is a dealbreaker and you need to tell her as much. If you are already her PoA, then that's one huddle cleared.
You also cannot think you will be paying for any care for her in the future unless you have really robust resources. Most AL (depending on where you live) is between $3K and up per month. Month after month. And that's if she doesn't need any "extra" help, like laundry and meds dispensing.
In most states Medicaid only covers LTC, which she needs to medically and financially qualify for. She is probably a long way off from that -- she's not bedridden or profoundly ill.
I'm giving you the horror version because once you get "stuck" down the road, it is a horror show. Again, read the other copious posts from those loving adult children on this forum. Mental health issues, marital problems... Maybe you feel like you don't have any other options. There are always other options. They are called "least bad" options. Ones you don't like, but still are solutions.
Keep talking with social services. Check out your local Area Agency on Aging for resources. Consult an elder law and/or estate planning attorney and a Medicaid Planner for your state. And keep strong boundaries with your Mom. I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions.
My wife and I trying to wrap our heads around how best to navigate this logistically and pragmatically. We will not sacrifice everything we've built (admittedly not a lot) for my mom to retire. I will 100% look for the other forums regarding her future needs on such limited resources. You listed several I hadn't even considered.
I do have PoA over her limited finances. Hurdled! We're actually meeting with a financial advisor to discuss how best to preserve it for when she REALLY needs it.
I'm reading all that you've done to help your mother...it's above and beyond. And so instead of her being immensely appreciative and grateful, she's still running the show and your life and it's not good enough for her?? She wants to control the entire script and move in with you and your family and take over? How about if your plans aren't acceptable that you just drop doing anything and let her figure out her own life? Because that can also be an option for someone who is so entitled and self centered.
You said, "she has no retirement plan/money for proper care or her own home." Well, that's on her, isn't it? But, you were generous enough to take her on and help her with every step. Does she realize that in her lack of planning for her retirement/senior years, that it really falls on her - and if it weren't for you stepping in, where would she be?
Maybe it's time to "de-program" yourself from the years of being groomed all this guilt by her...shouldn't you, instead, be presenting a different scenario to your mother - flip the guilt on her - she's a "master" in it and you must have learned something...let her know how hurt you are in all you've done for her and now leaving her your house and nothing seems to be good enough for her and how upset it makes you...so if you continue feeling that she's not satisfied with all that you've offered, then you realize that you should remove yourself and allow her to take the reins of her own life and make her own plans!
It's time to take back your own life - and remove the guilt and fear!! You'll feel empowered!!
At 70 Mom should be on her own. You have found that living together does not work. And you need to tell her that. Sorry Mom, its not working. I think it will be better with you in your own home and us in ours. Does she still drive. Maybe find a Senior center she can go to. Senior bussing to take her to appts and shopping. She needs to be as independent as she can be. Do not enable her or disable her. Disable meaning you do things for her she can do for herself.
Get her a good physical. Medicare allows one per year they pay for it. If she is depressed, maybe something to help with that. Fear and obligation makes me think Mom is a manipulator in someway. Boundaries need to be set with these types pf people. She needs you more than you need her.
There's something really messed up with that you know? Or maybe you don't know. Well....I'm telling you now, that is messed up.
The fact that you have "fear" with your mom tells me that you must have been abused in some way from her, and I am a FIRM believer that a child that was abused in any way from a parent, should NEVER take on the care of them.
Thankfully it sounds like you're wanting to set some kind of boundaries with her by not living with her any longer, but why should you have to buy another house when you have a perfectly good one already?
Perhaps it's your mom who needs to move into some senior apartments that are based on her income, instead of you disrupting yours and your families life, by moving out.
Yes, you and your wife and children MUST come first, well before your mom, and no you should not feel guilty for not wanting to live with her.
I would just think LONG and HARD before buying another house, and perhaps would start looking into senior housing in your area for her instead.
I would get some therapy to deal with this before investing the cost of a home or home addition. You have basic issues that should be dealt with. Your mom has had her life. Your life with your own family should not be sacrificed on her funeral pyre. It is unlikely to help anyone.
That you have taken your mother into you home has complicated things. This is going now to call for a whole lot of honesty on your part. I think you could benefit with some help with this. A licensed Social Worker in private practice as a counselor may be appropriate as they have special training in life transitions.
What was she doing when she was your age? Living with her parents?
Stay smart and put your own family first. I'd make that crystal clear.
Don't feel guilty Mom got old with no plan.
See an Elder lawyer to make sure you don't blow it for her to get Medicaid.
Don't let yourself get stuck with her either. I'm 70 and own a house. I'll sell it and downsize, and don't plan to burden anyone. She could live another 20 years, so save for your old age. Good luck!
Remember that many of those Irish Catholic clergy have one of the worst track records in the world of abusing their ‘flock’. Don’t even think of letting your ‘Irish Catholic’ upbringing give YOU a guilty conscience! Find your own ‘hot-line’ to God, not theirs.
Your responsibilities (legal and moral) are principally towards your children, your wife and yourself. Your mother is several notches down the list. Your mother’s responsibilities have ALWAYS mostly been towards her own children, her spouse, and herself. Clamoring for help from you is not on the list at all. ‘Honoring your father and your mother’ is about being respectful in public, NOT about following their 'orders'.
I wouldn't do anything without seeing an elder attorney, giving her your house is a real bad idea as somewhere down the line she may need to qualify for Medicaid.
If your relationship is rooted in fear and guilt I would read Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty, this is not a healthy relationship.
Your responsibility is to your wife and children not your mother.
What she rather have is not her call, make the best decision for YOUR wife and children.
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