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Narc Pers Disorder, delusional, paranoid mom living in AL wants her own debit card so she can “buy what she wants.” It just took me 2 months to get her bank accounts unfrozen at the bank, as she had taken her delusions to the bank that her identity had been stolen by dads gf (delusion-her alter ego), then it took another month to get funds transferred to new bank account after moving her to my state, as she’d frozen her credit as a result of bank’s rec. Problem was bank needed a SS card even after freeze lifted, hers was lost. Had to take 80-yr old mom to apply for new card. Anyhow… all this misery to finally get her affairs straight and she now wants a debit card when she has no need. Her AL is all inclusive and we take her wherever she needs to go for what she needs. She was a home shopaholic and had hoarded so much stuff 10 bread makers to use for gifts, unfortunately they had no one to gift to as even their kids were estranged. Anyhow -do we give mom a debit card. Even though I can set a limit etc., with her mental illness I can’t be sure what mess she’ll find financially to get into with all these fraudsters out there. Thoughts? She’s angry at me (as POA) for not allowing her to access her own money. 🤷‍♀️

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No. Someone with little to no abilities in executive function cannot have control of money in any manner. So the simple answer is no. There will now be many times that your mom is angry at you; that's fine. You will have to understand that is going to be the norm with a mind that is being completely lost.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Hmm. I think I would ask yourself if this is actually your issue?

If Mom is in charge of her finances.. then *natural consequences* will prevail, right?
When you think about it, they already did... A tangled frozen mess.

Now if you, as POA are the responsible agent to arrange finances - then you do it YOUR way.

So maybe I am simplifying this?
But I see it as an issue of who is driving the bus here.

What do you think?
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Reply to Beatty
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Of course not, why would you even consider doing this? Get her a prepaid credit card, when the money is gone it will have to be reloaded.

You can manage her spending that way.

If she gets angry so be it. Walk away.
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Reply to MeDolly
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I would give her nothing. And for the reason you stated, you just got her finances straightened out. There is nothing she needs in an AL. But a preloaded card would be my choice for the reasons stated.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Could you get as was suggested one of the reloadable cards and fib. Tell her the bank has a partnership with this company now for their cards and that's why the bank name isn't on it. It's like a marketing thing or something. Or will she catch onto that right away...

More complicated.... Open a 2nd acct with you as POA that she doesn't know about and get a debit card with her name on that very limited account... With your POA she shouldn't need to be there with you. Don't order any checks etc. No interest acct no 1099 form. E statements to you.

Either of those could just create more problems tho as she just comes at you regularly to add more of her money to it.. Soooo perhaps just stay firm and take the heat now and hopefully she'll move on from asking.

It's hard. Sorry.
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Reply to casole
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Have the office of her facility hold petty cash for her, which she can use for haircuts, beer, whatever. Start out with 150 bucks and see how far that goes/ how long it lasts. Go ahead and tell her she’s got cash.
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Reply to gemswinner12
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Geaton777 Aug 17, 2024
Facilities don't want to do this. Instead they have Resident Trust accounts but in my experience they don't dispense cash to residents from these. Cash is too easily lost or stolen. We don't keep anything of value in my MIL's room at her LTC facility. She doesn't even wear her wedding ring.
(1)
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Don't do a debit card, it's more susceptible to providing access to an entire checking account it stolen or your Mom gives it to someone. Better to just give her a re-loadable credit card with a smal limit. If it gets lost or stolen it won't be significant.

When she starts ranting her anger, walk away.
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