My 82 year old mother has cognitive impairment due to ruptured brain aneurysm 25 years ago. She currently resides in a nursing home. She is in poor health, unable to walk, and needs two people to care for her personal needs. I am her POA and visit her regularly. I have two sons getting married this year. One son sent her a Save the Date card and invitation as a gesture of love, knowing that she will be unable to attend. The other son did not. This son sends my mother an annual Christmas card with photos of him and his fiance, but he does not visit and did not send her a Save the Date card. I am disappointed in my son for not considering his grandmother. The relationship with my mother and stepfather and this side of the family has been difficult over the years, and my sons do not have a strong attachment to my side of the family. However, out of respect for my mother (and for me), I think my son should be more caring. Any thoughts?
#1-The old fashioned way. All appropriate people are invited regardless of their ability to attend or not. This is when manners were stressed, people wrote thank you cards and the like. Sending an invitation is the "right" (courteous) thing to do.
#2-The way things are done now.
Customs are sort of ignored for the laid back style. Instead of mailed invitations, a call or an e-mail/text would work. (Much quicker response also.) I'm sure second son thought that grandma is too infirm to attend AND she doesn't have all her mental faculties, so grandma wouldn't be any wiser and she'd be off the list.
Also some grandkids are closer to their grandparents than others.
If you want to mention his error, I would do it in passing. I also would form it as a question.
"Hey Mike, I got my invitation but grandma didn't get hers yet. Do you think it got lost in the mail?"
I know I taught my son all the right manners for #1 but he often lives life under #2.
A parent can show them the way to go but can't make them do it.
I think you should talk the non-inviting son in a non-accusing way and get his perspective on this. Depending on his reasons perhaps a wedding announcement after the fact would be more appropriate. He may not see this as lack of caring and be surprised that you do. Talk to him!
It is all about window dressing, after all, and none the worse for that. So you could: copy your own invitation (perhaps with some subtle editing if your layout skills are up to it) and give it to your mother to admire; or ask son and future DIL if they could manage to send grandma an invitation just for form's sake.
But don't ask them to explain. It's far more likely to be oversight than intention; but even if it *were* intention, though this seems very improbable, how would it help anyone to have that spelled out or rubbed in?
it would also be wonderful if the couple visited gma on their way to the ceremony if that is practical. What a treat for the other residents and staff.