My sister's going on a 2-week vacation and I reluctantly agreed to stay with Mom, which I'm totally dreading. Why is everyone trying to guilt me into this?
Long story short - My 98 y/o Mom fell and instead of having her go to a nursing home (which was the plan), my sister brought her home to live with her. I visit her house nearby twice a week to visit. Sister took a night off and I filled in, but Mom wouldn’t go to bed and kept telling me for two hours to go home. She could take care of herself. Finally after being there 5 hours, sister came home and Mom went to bed. Now sister is going on a two-week vacation and I reluctantly agreed to stay with Mom. Mom has plenty of money to be in assisted living or to hire help. I’m totally dreading this. Also, sister has installed cameras in the house to watch our every move. I won’t even be able to go to the bathroom without being on camera. My husband acts like it’s my duty. I have eight kids that I’ve smothered for 48 years. Am I being selfish?? How can I get through to my dementia Mom that she needs help? Why can’t I tell my sister to hire someone else? Why is everyone trying to guilt me into this?
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I pray that you guys can find a happy balance with communication going forward.
Dreading it is my problem, not hers and I have trouble communicating. I should have told her early on how uncomfortable I’d be on cam. I should have brought Mom to my house while she was gone, problem solved!
With that said, it is my fervent wish that people hear be kind to each other. We really don’t know everything about the situation and sometimes people just want to share their frustrations. Please remember to be kind.
Kindness matters
(My mother and her sister had a falling out over their mother and never spoke again after the funeral in 2000. They both died in 2020. My sister and I have promised to never let something come between us.)
and now it's after 10pm and instead of relaxing and enjoying my alone time, I am sitting here reiterating everything.... oh well, tomorrow's another day :)
I would suggest you lift the tank and unchain the flapper so the toilet won't flush. The only time it will work is when you chain it while doing your business, and, while unpleasant, fishing out any items beforehand that will result in hefty plumbing bills.
Hire agency personal to work while you are at the house.
You said you hoped that I would read your post. I did; and I read the responses of everyone else. It is helpful to know how you really feel about things. I helps to clarify things. I guess I also feel an explanation about the cameras is in order, since that raised so much ire.
Regarding the cameras: I am sending them back. I didn't purchase them to watch you. I don't know how I stupidly gave you that idea. My bad for not being more clear. I got them because I thought it would make it easier on you: I had hoped you would be able keep an eye on mother from your house (instead of having to granny-sit at my house). I am sorry I explained this poorly.
(FYI: I thought a camera in the bathroom was good idea only because, when mother suffered her fall, she did it trying to get from her rolling walker onto the potty. She is pretty unsteady. When the fall occurred, she couldn't get up and she laid there for a long time, not knowing how to dial the telephone she actually held in her hand to get help. If the same thing happened while I was out running errands, I didn't want her to lay on the floor until I returned home. Also, I had intended to set privacy panels for that camera.) I hope that some of the posters will read this and change their minds about what a horrible person I am for wanting to do this. As I said, I am sending the cameras back, since the issue is now moot, anyway.
Thanks to everyone for posting your thoughts and ideas. My only excuses for any of this are that 1) hindsight is 20/20; and 2) like everything else in life, the back story is a lot more complicated than can be condensed into a mere 4,000 characters.
I was told that for dementia patients, most of them can't remember to press the button when they fall. Hence, those devices that rely on a person to press a button are not worthwhile for dementia patients.
We actually did think about placing a few cameras in my Mom's house. This was because my Mom could not remember where she last put something, and we thought it would aid us in finding those lost items (like her magnifying glass or hearing aids or checkbook, or money). In addition, my Mom used to accuse the caregivers of stealing things from her when she had actually misplaced the item.
Hang in there. You do deserve some time off. I ended up putting my Mom in respite care and it helped prepare ME to put her into a memory care faciity.
These comments help no-one and reflect badly on yourself. If you can’t do better than this, please leave the site.
As for the cameras, that is an invasion of your mother’s privacy and dignity, especially in the bathrooms. If your sister is so concerned about your mother’s safety while she’s using the bathroom, then your sister should be accompanying her to the bathroom and not exposing her to cameras. If she is using cameras in the other rooms like baby monitors, and your mother is so frail that she needs help at all times, then the cameras make sense. If it is the safe thing to do, while you are there, you can always turn those cameras off or cover the lenses.
For second, her complaint is legit especially as it's gone so far as for her to tell the sister who's stepping in for vacation that there will be cams. It is an invasion of the OP's privacy as well.
To make things more equitable, I suggest a family contract. Sister should get paid now or if not possible, prorated in the will. The latter is what the ILs did with DIL. She honestly makes more than us combined just doing that, and it creates boundaries. She knows she cannot just call us and that if she does, we are going to help by researching and recommending help.
I'm not saying everyone has to take their parent into their home, and I know there are many situations were parents have been horrible to their children and therefore the children don't want to or can't help them. Many people just aren't able to provide care for their elderly parent(s) due to jobs, family, health, distance, relationship, financial, and/or the care needed by the parent that might necessitate an AL or a NH. I'm just commenting on Maddie's situation only, and the reply by Riley. Maddie did offer her help and now wants to back out. I would suggest she get her kids and husband to help out and each take every other day or something. And just maybe Maddie's mom said she can go home that one night because her mom wanted some alone time? Perhaps the comment wasn't directed at Maddie herself, but was her mom's attempt to be alone. Not that I would recommend giving her alone in the house time. If they don't get along, maybe they can separate themselves in the sister's house and be together only when necessary, like for eating, helping with toileting, etc.? It might help Maddie endure the two weeks, and it would give some alone time to her mom. Just a suggestion.
Complaining that your family is making you feel guilty doesn't address
the issue that you really can't do it. You need to accept that. If you get the courage to tell your sister and your husband that you can't take care of mom - do it, do it quickly & stick to your decision. Without guilt. You deserve it, they deserve it, & in the long run, you'll all feel better because you brought it out in the open.
I took care of my mom off & on for nearly 25 years - nearly full time the last 5-7 years. My sister told me to not take what our mom did/said personally. After an argument between me & my mom, my sister decided to take mom in. It lasted less than a month. I didn't fault my sister for not taking care of our mom - I used to half-joke that I took her to doctor visits, my sister brought her cake - but at least she got a deeper understanding of what life as a caregiver was. That's not the case with you - you understand fully what it's like. And not everyone is cut out to be one. That's not a flaw!
Other people can't make you feel guilty unless you carry some of that guilt, yourself. Have an honest talk with yourself & your family. Let your sister enjoy her vacation, & let yourself help in a way that you're comfortable with. You don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations.
Like I say, Tell your sister you've changed your mind and YOU WON'T BE STAYING WITH MOM. End of story. Let her pout, rant and rave all she wants. It was her choice to bring mom into her home. This is HER problem.. not yours!
When it came time for me to take a break, my sisters said they couldn't help with Mom even though they both lived 5 minutes away. I had to come to terms that I was the one that made the commitment to care for Mom, not them. So when I needed a break, I hired caregivers on Mom's dime. My sisters established a schedule where one of them would come each day for a visit so mom would have a familiar face and to check on things. Mom absolutely hated having a "stranger" take care of her and made my life miserable when I would get home. The truth of the matter, she would have complained no matter who came to take care of her.
My advice is to hire a caregiver for Mom and then check on her regularly. Caregiving is not for everyone and a demanding senior with dementia is extremely difficult. I will say, though, Mom was very aware that my sisters never offered to help her during her last few years. It hurt her terribly. That is something to keep in mind and something you must live with after she is gone.
The one sister has the full responsibility of the mother the other 50 weeks of the year. For sure I don't blame tryingmybest8 taking issue with there being cameras everywhere including the bathroom. It would be unreasonable to ask her or anyone else to stay there under such a condition. That does not change the fact that her sister is the person who makes the OP's life possible because she takes full responsibility for the mother's care and housing 24/7. That saves a fortune because it's not getting paid out to a nursing home or AL.
@myownlife,
I don't know who you talked to at Medicare. I know that back in 2017 my completely invalid client's house got flood damaged. Her and her husband could not remain in the home while the renovations were being done. Medicare paid for her to be in a nursing home for one week and for the ambulance transfer to get her there and back.
I know this because I arranged it.
If
If your sister hires others to be there, will you be available if someone doesn't show up, or if there is an emergency, etc?
My mom is almost 97 and lives at home with me. I had planned a vacation for both of us for 3 weeks but now it's looking like either I will need to go alone or not go.
In my area, there are no places available for respite. As far as hiring caregivers to be here, which i'm considering, I tried an agency a couple of years ago. It was a disaster for my daughter who agreed to be "the POA" in my absence. Caregivers didn't show up, then when they did, because Mom had some really bad memory deficits at the time, and the agency nor the caregivers communicated with daughter, she had no idea of what was going on. But she did find out once that a caregiver left 5-10" early because her mom was picking her up.
That time i was only gone for a week.
Don't you think you could handle 2 weeks for your sister to get a break? My only sibling, my brother, died a few years ago. I wish someone i trust could take over for me for just a little while to go on vacation. I could really relax and not worry and get a much-needed break. And if you could do this for your sister, I'm sure she would be forever grateful.
P. S. The cameras? Did you ask her to turn them off while you're there? Or, cover them. Pretty sure your sister has them to keep track of Mom for safety, so she doesn't have to follow her every minute.
If you're not willing or able to you'll get no judgment from me. If you're not going to do it, make another arrangement for your mother. Don't make your sister do it. Medicare will pay for I believe up to seven days a year of respite care in a facility. The second week will have to be paid out-of-pocket. Use your mother's income to pay for the second week. You make the arrangements though and transfer your mother to the facility for the two weeks. This is probably the bet for everyone involved.
If you decide to suck it up and stay there for two weeks, do not tolerate your mother's 'Senior Brat' behavior. she doesn't want to go to bed, don't go. Completely ignore her and let her know that at bedtime you are off the clock unless there's an emergency. Wanting a drink or someone to snipe at isn't an emergency. When it's time to eat you bring her the meal. If she starts up and complains about it, walk away. You'll be okay if you have to stay there. You'll get through it.
As far as the two weeks, yes - it will be difficult, but as a mother of 8 you will have the strength and capability to get through it. The first day or two, your mom will be nervous - after all, her primary caregiver (sister) has gone away and left her! Routines will be different and this kind of thing confuses and agitates the elderly. That's why someone's suggestion to get access to the cameras now, so you can learn habits and patterns would be helpful. If you sister balks at this suggestion, then gently remind her you will be feeling the same way if she is monitoring you.
Yes you are dreading it, but your mind seems to be made up to do it. So change your attitude and think of it as a challenge and an opportunity. Get your kids to come and visit you and Mom. Create some new routines and new memories. Bond with your Mom in a way you could not for so many years you were raising your kids. You may - in the end - find this dreaded time to turn out to be one of the most enriching and loving 2 weeks in your life - God Bless You!
Playing the devil's advocate, maybe you have only seen a bit of what your sister really deals with... perhaps she doesn't go to bed easily every night with her. I often wish others could be here 24/7 to see what all is required caring for my husband. If your sister would give you access to the cameras for 24-48 hours you may learn a lot about how much she is actually doing to better advise and push your sister to hire extra help and you could be in and out to supervise. FYI, dementia patients do need a routine and if at all possible it may be best to keep her at home to avoid repercussions afterwards.