I feel guilty asking this question, but has anyone regretted their decision to let a family member move in? I think I made a mistake.

I'm sure people have! It is a big decision to take on the care of someone in your home! My husband decided it would be better for my mom to move in with us than for me to travel an hour each way each day to stay with her. While I understood what we were undertaking (my daddy had Alzheimer's), he was surprised by the care that was actually needed. I must say, he has been a real trooper since discovering the reality of the situation but it is hard. We were empty-nesters enjoying our grandchildren on occasion but essentially traveling as we wanted when we wanted when we weren't working. Now our wings are clipped! I consider myself lucky to have a sister that will come down for a weekend each month and let us get away.

I don't know your situation but please, don't feel guilty. I'm sure you didn't realize the impact it was going to have on your life, whatever it may be. You're going through the stages of grief, I'm sure, because that's what it is like.

I am new to this website but I thought it might be helpful to hear what others are going thru. My mother in law is not at the end of her life. She is only 64. She moved in with us because 4 years ago her overall health was very poor, mostly her knees were shot. She was barely walking which then lead to weight gain, diabetes etc.
My husband and I knew that she was in over her head and he asked me if she could move in to get a handle on things. Between the health and her money issues, I realized that this was her only option other than bankrupcy. Assisted living is not an option because she lives paycheck to paycheck with no savings.
It has been 4 years and she had knew surgery. It went well and she is more mobile now. Her financial is better but not at a point she has money to burn or a has long term financial security. I think she loves living with us but now I have regret. On one hand, she makes poor decisions about her life choices and exercise. My kids are young but I am thinking this must be what its like to have a teenager in the house.
On one hand I don't want to boss my 64 mother in law around but on the other I don't want to pretend I agree with her decisions. What worries me is that often my husband and I are at odds of what to do about her. I can see how a situation like this can break even a strong marriage apart.

It can break marriages, relationships with children, personal health, etc.

Your mother in law has you in an unfavorable triangle as your husband's mother. It's like he has to chose between which woman he is going to please. What sometimes look like a strong marriage gets suddenly full of drama when the one who truly never left mommy's hip or daddy's side suddenly reverts back to being mommy's or daddy's little boy or girl who just happens to be in an adult body and an adult relationship called marriage.

Ya mother in law needs to realize that she is living in your house as an act of your gracefulness for otherwise she'd be in a nursing home paid for my medicaide as poor as she is. You and your husband's house means you two need to set the rules and boundaries. Role reversal is tough and might even be tougher for your husband which might mean both of you would possibly benefit from marriage counseling to deal with it.

I don't think it helps that my mother in law's ex husband is an alcoholic so he has not been in the picture for years. I think my husband feels like if he doesn't rescue his mom, who will? I only pray that my husband's father doesn't step back into our lives telling us he is sick and needs help. Ugh!

Hello Kitty...that's why I never moved in with my mom to help her...cause she would suck my life dry....in which she still does from afar.

I feel your pain. I agreed to help my elderly aunt and uncle for a short period (a few months) and somehow along the lines they have mutated that into them living here forever. They are terribly abisive to one another (yelling and hitting one another constantly) I can't take it anymore and now thier own kids are refusing to help. Well except the one child who verbally abused them in my presence and basically wants to financially manipulate them. I'm at the point where I'm saying hey it's your life and your kids you guys deal with it. This is not my problem.

eolande,

It's your house. They are guests who now want to stay forever. If they are in a position to be able to leave, I'd tell them to leave. BTW, who have they given POA to?

I imagine a great many people regret the decision made out of love or fear or desperation or necessity...It is such a complex task to care for an aged loved one...And when one realizes there is no guarantee of an end in sight one is apt to fell they made a real mistake in inviting this situation into there homes. Look for help anywhere you can find it.

There are lovely independent seniors apartments that are not that much money and she could be independent and you could have a life. Some are just a small but very adequate for those financially strapped and after all she is only 64.

HelloKitty I grew up in much the situation you describe, my Mother's Mother lived with us. Grandma was difficult which is the kindest way to put it. She was NEVER happy. My Father
( a real saint ) was VERY kind to her. He was more than patient with her and tolerated alot. Eventually at 90 she went to the nursing home because my parents bought a small farm. She was NOT going to the farm!!! She lived to be almost 98. My Daddy is in heaven now too, and I am very sure he has extra stars in his crown because he was so good to her. I would have a long serious non confrontational talk with your Mother in law. Point out that you want to help however she needs to understand some basic rules!!! Seriously set some ground rules. Such as she does not correct the children if you are at home. She cannot interrupt your private time (in the bedroom alone together)....Those are just examples but you understand what I am trying to say. She is not a quest really but she needs to be courteous and gratiful. I would point out that there are other living options for her if she is unhappy. Even if she does not have money, I think most states have an elderly waiver program that will help with finances. take care and God bless...

Thank you for your kind thoughts. She is not a disagreeable person and I do think she tries very hard not to be "the other Queen in the hive." Since finding this site, I have received great suggestions about my situation.
I wonder if my mother in law is struggling with depression or is having a mid life crisis. I am sure that she never expected at this time in her life to be in poor health, finanically strapped and living out of necessity with her son to both physically and financially support her.
What I see is a woman who eats poorly, rarely exercises and does not socialize much. The reality is that she might be so overwhelmed with her life situations, she doesn't know where to start.
Maybe deep, deep down inside of me, I am afraid that I might turn out to be her and that terrifies me.

I think my message got lost so I will make this short. We have a daycare that takes the elderly (even in wheelchairs and with walkers)out almost daily. They go shopping or for ice cream, to see the foiliage and to go bowling . As long as she isnt combative, she can join. If she has no money she is better off as she can get medicaid to pay for it. My moms daycare doesn't take them out but they are older and have dementia worse. You can start by taking her there for lunch, or a hair but or physical therapy, most daycares have it all and she will slowly make friends. This would be great, most all refuse but we found calling it a club and going with her for a month or so, then she will be ok. Took me a long time to wean my mom into it but it did work. Also, can you make a little apartment for your mom like a 2 family? 64 is tough, she might live 20 years so I would separate her if you can, at least all day, best of luck

Yes. There are times I ask myself the same thing. Its very difficult to maintain your privacy & intimacy in your marriage when you have someone else in the mix. I don't know what other options I could really live with - assisted living would be too emotionally stressing. I do have some family members that can take over for a weekend or maybe week at a time - but it is terribly difficult to adjust to.

Bless your heart it is understandable that you feel that way. My Father passed away in July and my Mom is just so frail and sad. She is in her own home but really close by. We do everything we can for her, but she is lonely and I cannot be my Dad. My heart aches and sometimes I do think it would be easier if she lived with us. We are contemplating senior housing for her. Do you have anything like that available in your area? Sometimes they are based on income. My Mom does not have money problems (thanks to my very diligent Father). However she is NOT wealthy... take care and hang in there you are making a real differance for her.

Luckily our house is 2 floors with a walk out ranch so she does have the completed basement that doesn't feel with a basement. Our morgage fits for my family now and in 20 years, this house will be too big for just the 2 of us.
You are so right with 64. She is not in bad shape so the fact she could be living with us for another 15 years is possible. It does concern me that her needs will continue to grow on my husband and me. I know this sounds selfish but I think I am mourning some of our independance.
I wrote earlier that I have been reflecting lately of how much I don't want to end up like her. I know this isn't what she wanted at this phase in her life. What is frustrating is that from the outside looking in, it doesn't look like she is trying to get a handle on her issues.

I understand exactly how you feel. The same thing happened to me. In 1987, before my father died, I promised him I would make sure to take care of her in her elder years. But...I took that promise to another level. From 1987 to now, I have put myself last. I do nothing for myself. I take care of my mother and my 2 children...the eldest turned 18 and left.

When my mother first moved in, it was very rough because I have always been a single parent...and paid my bills as well as hers. I would not allow her to interfere with issues between me and my children because it was not her place...basically because of the pessimism and negativity she brought with her. I spent all my money trying to make her happy, and she was still miserable. The kids were doing the same thing also.

Sometimes, I would hear her talking to my children in a low voice...and I began to worry about what she was telling them. I had just paid off all of my bills, and she made some statements about never wanting to live in an apartment, she needed a yard, I don't own a home (not true, I had another house in another state), etc. I made the wrong decision...I buckled under all of this, bought a huge house with a huge mortgage, and moved her in. I lost my privacy, and had begun to lose control of my children. I pay all of her bills...her car note, cable, phone, etc. She has NO bills at all. I pay for everything. One day she turned to me and said she doesn't understand why I never have any extra money...well, it's because I'm paying all the bills...not hard to understand.

She even told me that any man that comes my way would only be interested in the material things I could give them...but isn't she doing the same thing?

My siblings have logged off, and won't help. On three occasions, I tried to get her to realize that I just can't go on like this...and she was going to move...but it didn't happen. I fell into a deep depression...because I don't see any way out. I'm miserable, and I know it's my fault. When my son turns 18 in 3 years, I told my mother I would be downsizing and going back into a life on my own. She then stayed in the bed in her room for 3 weeks. I am the youngest, and the only one that she will live with...she said she'd never live in the house with a man...that's why she didn't want to move in with either of my other 2 sisters because they are both married...and I am not.

In 2002, I had a near fatal accident and ended up with a brain injury with permanent brain damage. Still, she expects me to take care of her needs regardless of my condition. She's not happy, so here we go again...large sums of money wasted and my mother is still unhappy even after I've assumed another large debt that I didn't want...another house.

I made the wrong decision, I accept the blame, and I don't see any way out. She has taken good care of me after my accident...so, I guess she feels this is adequate. I have always honored my parents, and I won't put her out.

But for you...if it's early...if you just moved her in and realize it's a mistake...try to reverse that decision as soon as possible. As time goes on, it will become more difficult to make any changes. I feel that there is no way out for me...but I hope you can find a way out because everyone deserves "a life". Fight for it...I didn't have the strength.

It is possible that she does not have the capacity to get on top of things without some help. Has she ever had some counseling it might be really good for her. does she go to church? a small group of woman her age could be constructive for her too...

I did suggest counseling...and she refused to go. The only thing I found for her is an auction that I take her to every Wednesday. She has made some friends there that are her age, and seems to enjoy it. I have tried to get her to go and "visit" my sisters so she can have a break from me, and I can have some time with my son before he turns 18. She did go to see one of my sisters, and came back and said it was too noisy and she was never going back again.

I even offered to buy her a 3 bedroom condominium 2 minutes from me...beautiful condo in a well to do neighborhood...she said she doesn't want to live alone. If I take my son somewhere, and we're gone for any period of time...we return to her wandering around the house saying she was "scared" or something else that upsets me...because my son wants and needs to spend time with me...as I prepare him to be a man...but he feels bad when he sees his grandmother acting like a child who can't be left alone for a short period of time. My mother is almost 80 years old...but she's in better health than I am.

I told my son that we are not going to stop spending mother/son time together...it's a necessity.

I even offered to buy her a house back in our home town, but she balked at this also. I offered her the house I already own in another state, a beautiful 4 bedroom colonial, and she has friends in the area where this house is. She didn't want to do that either. I'm out of options...I've tried to help in every way I know...but nothing ever results in her moving. Frankly, I've given up...and I don't complain any more because I accept part of the responsibility of "spoiling" her. That's what my doctor told me that I did, and I agree.

I bought my mother a car, but she wouldn't take me to the hospital one day when I couldn't drive. If I told you how many times I needed help and couldn't get it after giving so much...you would not believe me. I don't even want to believe it. I'm just really tired of all of it, but I don't see a way out.

Thanks for caring enough to write to me. This board is all I have as support...and I have read some situations that are worse than mine...so I just accept it and thank God it isn't worse. Thank you, sincerely.

Wow! Your situation is soooooo much more overwhelming than mine that I am not too sure how to respond. It pains me to read of your situation. I can actually feel the weight of pain on you. One thing that my mother in law is at the very least is grateful. I know that she does appreciate us and that she is happier living with us than alone. I think when she did live alone, she was very lonely.
Most days are good days but some days I feel like Julie McCoy "Cruise Director".

Oh my gosh Kitty, selfish? no way are you selfish! Did she take care of someone for 15 years or live her life? You need to do something and I agree with the poster who said the sooner the better. she and you will be happier in the long run for it . I normally think stay stay stay, but at 64, thats too much to ask for, you need to live your life. ugh I feel sorry for you. Please post and keep us informed on how you handle it so others can relate some time. Whats even sadder is there are spouses at daycare in their early 60's with dementia and their wives/husbands live with them on a daily basis too of course feeling totally obligated.

Yes, that's a good thing that she's grateful. As they get older, though, their disposition may change. My mother is almost 80 years old. Elderly people can become mean, but not all of them do.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's natural. It's also admirable. It is perfectly natural to want some privacy...especially if you are married or have a significant other. Life does change, when another person moves in. Although the elderly person may not be doing anything wrong or disrespectful, your personal space has still been altered. So, I just want you to know that it's natural to feel the way you do.

soulsearcher, maybe you should find, or pretend to find, a man to move in. she wont live with a man? You poor thing! hummmm
Just a thought...

LOL! Now that's thinking out of the box! Thanks for making me laugh...it's been a long time that I've been able to laugh about anything.

If it didn't go against my religious beliefs, I WOULD act on your suggestion! Thanks for making my day...

No, I do not think it is a mistake. We mostly do it out of love. But sometimes it may not be the best for ourselves or the person that his coming to live with us. I thought in my own case I was doing the right thing. I listened to the doctors and the nursing home she was at that she wass not that ill. However her dementia was so bad. I also did not know she was so much medicine. When I was taking care of long distance back and forth I knew what medicine she was on, hadmade up large coloredfor her medicines,up and checked on her three times a day. Also set up meals on wheels which came with hot meals. That went on for two years of which I used vacation time and wason the family medical act leavewith my job. But she fell and I had to go up to New York and take care of everything. I did check on day care before I brought mom to our house in Florida and also the price of a nurse. We had the house set up child prood and made up a room for a nurse if needed. But things did not turn out like plan, she was too much for myself to do. I had to place mom in a assisting living. All you can say is that you did try and it was too much. A Caregiver is a very hard JOB. Yes it is a 24/7 job. you worry about them and you have to make sure you are ok. Call elder care if you are having problems before it gets too much for you or a social worker in your community. It can take a strong toll on your own family and marriage and life style too.

I just want to say do not beat yourself up... You did what you thought was right at the time that is ALL any of us can do. Years ago when my oldest two boys were young 6 and 3 my Grandma lived with us. She had been living with my parents who were both working. I was at home with my sons and did daycare. When Grandma got sick and could not be alone, she came to live with us. She really loved my boys and they loved her. She was only with us for a short time, bless her heart Febuary to May. It worked for us, but it dosen't always so PLEASE don't feel badly. take care, J

I just wanted to say thanks to all the wonderful people who cared enough to send encouraging words.

"HelloKitty"...I hope you're not feeling guilty anymore...now that you know it's perfectly natural to feel that way. Write for support whenever you need to. It really does help to confer with others who are going through the same thing you are experiencing...that's why I joined. I may not be very vocal, but I read each and every posting...everyday...hoping to gain the strength and encouragement that I need myself...and this board has provided me with that. Take care.

I feel so much better already. For the last 4 years, I have turned to my husband as a personal therapist when dealing with his mother. Yeah, that's healthy (not) since he lives in the same house and sees our struggles personally.
Some days I feel like I have the strength of Mother Theresa and other days I will completely lose it because the dishwasher isn't unloaded again.
It's really great to know that others have their days too.

You are right Kitty a family member as a therapist is not healthy because they are part of the system that they cannot be totally objective about. Even trained therapists are told to not practice on their own family for that very reason. At some point the spouse and/or child feels like they are only related to as a client which is when the trouble begins and only worsens the drama. My wife use to hide behind my britches instead of dealing with her own mommy dearest with the support of her own therapist. Nothing changed until she stopped hiding behind my ass. Now all that crap is in the past.

my inlaws both live w/us now. Mom has dementia(88) dad is doing well(85) Mom is starting to get mean and paranoid about everything. She continues to fall as she will not or forgets to use her walker. We have mentioned to dad that she probably needs to be in a home, but he is not willing to go that route yet. It is really putting a strain on our marriage. it is a hard decision to make but we know that they are getting the best care right now.

I now it is hard on you. i do hope that there is a durable power of attorney and special legal papers in effect. There will come a time if the fire dept has to come to the house, if your father in law refuses them to give her help, you can not do anything. Remember it is your home and you are helping out the best you can. Call in elder care and also takwe her to the doctor. if she falls and breaks her hip. which does happen with age, you will be in for a hard time.