I am retired and my parent wants me to care for her by moving into her home as she needs round the clock care. I don't want payment. If no money is exchanged, am I simply my parent's roommate paying half share for utilities and food costs along with performing household cleaning services?
Tell sis & mom you are too old to work those hours - if you lose your mind & agree to go there then stipulate a yard guy, cleaning lady, going out for 2 lunches & 2 dinners a week, paid vacation every 8 weeks of 1 week -
Your house can be rented out & after 1 [or less] year it will go month to month because with 30 or 60 days notice you can cancel a rental if family [READ YOU] moves back in so it won't be lost to you but write out at what point you bail - but best not to go there in first place - remember your name is not spelt 'DOORMAT' - make your stand now or forever keep quiet
I was so specific because you need to be prepared to provide all this care. I am and luckily my husband and kids help, and my step dad does what he can. Hope this helps you be better prepared. I would not change it and love being able to care for my mom. She we be with us to the end.
( A ) You should not have to pay towards house hold utilities or food costs when You are Caring for Your Mother. I'm very sure Your Mom would not want this.
( B ) On the assumption there are Sisters, I would get a Contract drawn up and signed by Your Mothers Doctor for authenticity, and have receipts for all expenses so that if the Family become heavy handed and They inherit Your Mothers Estate You can put a stay on the WILL until all of Your bills and expenses are paid first. Naturally there's no kneed to mention this to Sister or Your Mother, as You kneed to cover Yourself.
I cared for My Mother for three years and I would not take payment, not would I apply for Carers Benifits from Our State, simply because I adored Mam, and I was honoured to share every day and night of My Mothers Long and beautiful Life. In the end all We have left are memories of beautiful tender moments to be savoured in Our Heart till Life's end.
And if for some reason down the road your Mom needs to apply for Medicaid, they would see that your Mom owned an investment property that has non-producing income, and that could throw a wrench into her being approved for Medicaid.
So, if mother competent and willing to appoint a new Durable POA? And if she did, would you want to take on that responsibility? Is sister acting as mom's POA now? It sounds like a lot of heartache to me, but you know if you're up for it. And if sister is really acting poorly, it could end up in court. I'd get a legal opinion from an experienced Elder Law attorney before making any decisions.
I don't pay rent here. My mother once mentioned I should use my money to pay for everything so she could keep hers. ROFL. If anything is left over in the will, it will be divided four ways. That would mean I would pay for her to live so she could leave any money saved to all the children, three who weren't even involved in her care. What sense would that make?
If I had to put a money value on things I do for my mother it would be about $500 a week. That doesn't include pay for the time I spend stewing about something mean she did or writing here on the group. She has the house paid for and covers the power, gas, and water. The two rooms I occupy and the utilities are the only things I get from her. That is probably worth about $1000 a month at the most.
It is so strange that people can see live-in caregivers as moochers that owe someone something. They are already donating their lives and enjoyment of living. To pay to make these donations is just crazy.
Personally I think you're sister should move out of her free house. Or at least she should write herself a 1099 for $20K a year, which is about what she is benefiting in today's housing market around here. Pssft! Your sister p*ssed me off with her craziness.
Now, if you have a plan to save on housing/living expenses in exchange for caring a couple years for mom; and all siblings will sign a legal doc stating they are in agreement with this; then fine. Have a back up plan for when mom needs extra care or you decide to move on and transition to a new home, your own activities, etc.
Just have a sound plan as to how long you are willing to do this, how much care you are capable of and agreement that mom will accept outside care or residential care if needed (and be aware that she may say "yes" to that now but when the going gets tough "adamantly refuse all outside care" and beg you to stay, didn't know you planned to move on; how can you leave me, etc.
THink real hard. Is this how you planned to spend your retirement? You deserve some fun, independent living, new friends, new opportunities, travel, PT work, volunteering, clubs, etc.
IMO, if you take care of your mother and let your siblings off the hook, you SHOULD receive financial compensation for that, to whatever extent your family members can afford it. You will be working an exhausting and consuming job and saving the rest of the family a whole lot of time, energy, effort, and money that would otherwise be expended on paid helpers. It's not financial GAIN, it's COMPENSATION. For your sacrifice, hard work, and acceptance of a huge responsibility that allows other people go on and live their lives. It's WORK, and don't let anyone tell you it isn't.
Your sister is already being an idiot. There's no guarantee (or even glimmer of hope) that she will become more reasonable in the future. And, she has power of attorney. Under those circumstances, I agree with those who say "DON"T DO IT!!!"
As others have written, do not do it. You will live to regret it. Your health will suffer. Your mother may outlive you. Let your sister live with your mother!
Is she without funds for care? Help her apply for Medicaid. If she has funds, she should use them to hire help.
And please. Don't try to do the yard work. That's a young person's job.
I don't live with my mom but just dealing with her (she'll be 97 in Dec) is sometimes almost enough to drive me round the bend. And I don't have a nasty sister second-guessing my every move. I agree with finding other options for your mom. Don't give up your life in service to hers - your life is just as important as hers is and your sister's and your brother's. Put yourself first and figure out how to help mom without upending your whole life.
Do not do this.
I don't know if your sister is greedy or just ignorant, but paying to provide live-in care for your parent is crazy, crazy, crazy.
You don't want to be landlord. You will be. You expect to simply be a companion. Ha! You will uproot your life so that your mother doesn't have to uproot hers. And hers is more important than yours because .... ??
Love your mother. Help your mother do what is in HER best interest as well as good for you.
I do believe that family members can live together peacefully and productively. But this arrangement is already causing conflict with your sister and you are still in the planning stage. This does not bode well for long term.
For my aging parents who lived under their own roof, and me living under my own, yet I did all the errand running, doctor appointments, shopping, etc. then eventually took over as financial POA which was like having a part-time job in itself trying to sort though a ton of paper, pay bills, keep track of the stock market, etc. Eventually I crashed and burned from the stress and here I was in my 60's. I am now 70 and still trying to recover from the unbelievable stress that was placed on me. Make sure you know fully what you are getting into. And have everything put into writing and notarized.