Pay for parental care; Is the amount I asked for too much?

Hire an elder care attorney who can provide you with a guideline of what your expenses are in taking care of your mother. You can have a legal agreement between the two of you written and signed. My husband and I are caring for both of his parents and that was a big help to us. I too am a RN and know that my care is superior to many other home care agencies out there, of course I would make much more if working they are my in laws and are worth the "pay cut". Best wishes to you, this is not an easy situation.

Oh man, reading all of your responses just breaks my heart.

Your entire self image is based on a woman that can't even love.

You deserve to have a home that is NOT filled with a pity party, complaining and running you into the ground. The old saying "Misery loves company." Was created by a person living with a person like this female you call mom.

You tried, it is costing you more then she could ever pay you. You say she refuses, well, you can refuse to be her scratching post and go live your life. No one has the right to abuse you, NO ONE. Please tell your family that they need to step up and take some responsibility because you have served your time and you are being released on (set date) and she either gets help from all of them or you contact APS and tell them that she is a vulnerable senior and you can no longer care safely for her. There is no guilt in laying down a load that is to heavy. Don't believe that caring for you and your future is anything but wise and correct.

You see from what you have posted that your mom doesn't appreciate anything, don't expect to be different than every other wonderful thing she has or had in her life. I could have jumped through flaming hoops for my dad and he would have complained that the heat was to hard on him, so I decided that since everything I did was wrong that I would save him the misery of dealing with my sorry, useless, unacceptable, never good enough self and put him in AL. Worked out great, I didn't have to be reminded multiple times a day how useless I was and he didn't have to see the fruit of his loins and be reminded that he helped create such a worthless person. I know this is not true about you or me, I am trying to get you to see how much power you give her by letting her treat you poorly and sticking around for more. Please refuse to let her take anymore joy and peace from you.

You can do this! Hugs!

ADK, how are you doing?

My first question to you is this - if the relationship was not kind and loving, why on earth are you taking care of her in your home. What has she done to deserve this? Don't be a fool. She has money and you are having a rough time. She needs care and you are doing all you can for her and she balks at helping YOU? That is sick and disgusting. Do not "mention" your needs, simply sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms all that you do and that a caretaker would charge xx dollars. And since you are in need of certain things for your home, AND SHE IS LIVING WITH YOU AND YOU ARE HER CARETAKER, effective immediately she will give you xx dollars per month. Don't allow her to fight you - do it or else. Then, if you want a caretaker for her, let her deal directly with your finances and you go about your daily life. Or you tell her she will be placed. What she is doing is horrible and I would NOT allow any human to treat me this way - she will not get better, she will get worse. Don't allow her in your home much longer without resolution or you are fool.

If you are going to stay, you need to set some limits.  You can't possibly be caregiver, housekeeper extraordinaire, home maintainer, and all the other jobs mom wants you to do NOW - 24/7 and keep your health and sanity.  And she doesn't want to pay you???  You hire the help she needs to keep the house running - have mom pay for that,  And, if mom does agree to pay you in the future, keep those folks coming.  It's the only way you'll survive.

I did the math.
That's a lot of dough, and what you're asking for is not even minimum wage.

But when my loved one was in the hospital, and the nurses asked all the embarrassing questions about his health, bowel movement, and activities accompanied with it, I had to step out of the room. I see him in a certain light, and seeing him in a vulnerable and even helpless situation doesn't sit well with me. I respect and love him enough to let him keep his dignity for as long as time will allow, and when those details come in later, I'll deal with it then.

Do you think she needs her daughter more than a nurse?

She maybe procrastinating you caring for her because of the stripped down, no dignity way old age and loss of strength brings with time.

Does she need someone to hold her hand, cry with her, be angry with her rather than be the technical nurse she knows you are, but wants to keep her dignity?

Davenport: Sorry. Wow...

"I don't want an award, just for her to appreciate my value and that I care for her enough to give up my life and she should care for me in this way."

To get that appreciation, you'll have to look in the mirror. YOU know what you have done and will be doing for her - knowing you did the right thing is your reward. It is nice to get acknowledgment from others, but often this doesn't happen. Whether it was a job I had or feedback from helping someone (including mom), I most often got my "reward" in knowing that I did my best!

WE know!!! :-)

(This applies even if the decision comes down to finding other arrangements for your mother. Don't let anyone guilt you into staying if it isn't right for you. You have done your best, and to continue doing your best, you might need to step back, let others take over the daily care and be her advocate - despite there being 3 of us, all the non-hands-on work falls into my lap. Only recently have I requested YB take over medical/dental trips. Mom is refusing to walk and I cannot support her weight. Everything else (and there IS a lot! He doesn't get it, but most of us are aware!) still falls to me. Thankfully, although I get no help with it all, they also don't stick their noses in and make my existence even worse!

I think your mother is very fortunate that you moved there to care for her. She should be happy to pay any price to have you there! I’m helping to care for both my parents 90 and 95. I have siblings that help. But at this point I tell my parents they don’t t have much choice and pretty much have to do what we say.

I would recommend the same as Countrymouse has suggested - provide the options she has: hire assistance, move to AL or NH, move to your place (may not be a good idea!) or help you out by paying you.

Remind her, if she brings up caring for her own mother, that she just provided space in her own home for her mother, not care-giving.
Remind her that you have expenses of your own that you cannot cover without employment.
Remind her this isn't 1950, when things were much less expensive!
Give her that breakdown of what the $500 gets her (24/7 RN at less than $3/hour!)
Tell her how much you are losing by not working.
Tell her that you would prefer to be her care-giver, but not her slave.

In-home care, no matter where you live, isn't cheap. It varies by region, but where you are it is likely AT LEAST 25$/hour. THAT is only for aides, who cannot administer medications. We set up a timed dispenser and all they could do was check to see that she took them, and if not, point her to them. If she needs more than just personal assistance, that rate will go up, and it goes up even more for nights, overnights, weekends and holidays. Provide detailed information to her from several agencies about what they charge and what services they provide.

AL isn't cheap either. We had to go to MC, so our cost is much more, but it will still be MUCH more than $500/week AND depending on her actual needs, she might not even qualify for AL. In that case, the only option would be NH, which is even MORE expensive than the MC cost for our mother (just shy of 8k/month this year - I checked a local NH and it was more like 15k/month!) 

Moving to your place would be akin to her caring for her mother, except she is older and has more needs. This might not be the right answer for you. More than likely it would result in selling her home and that could rattle her and other family members (not sure if it is siblings, but you implied there are others and they feel it is your job. Common. Wrong, but common.) If they are not there to help or make reasonable suggestions/decisions, ignore them. If they persist, tell them it is their turn and that you are going home.

IF you can make her see sense, definitely get a proper care-giver agreement set up, preferably through an EC attorney. Covers your butt for many issues (siblings, potential need for Medicaid, etc.) The attorney might even be able to make her see how little this is and suggest paying more. He (or better yet, talk to an Enrolled Agent) might be able to advise you on tax implications. From the little I checked, you may have to claim this as "other" income and pay taxes on it - if so, paying quarterly estimates is recommended, otherwise you could end up with a large tax bill AND a penalty.

When searching for MC, my brothers got the "sticker shock." Both immediately said Gee for that kind of money, I'd take care of her myself! ME? No way Jose. It would be more than 5700$/month more than what you are asking and it still wouldn't be enough to convince me to take this on!!! Could I use the money? Sure. Do I want that to be my cause of death? Nope.

Given your mother is 100 yo, one would hazard a guess it might not be a long time stint, but beware - if your home is unoccupied more than a short time, you likely need a special insurance policy (if you have family living there, disregard this.) When we moved mom, it took almost 2 years to get her condo ready to sell (it was a life estate, so that was another whole ball of wax, but it was costing a minimum of 14k between RE tax and condo fees to keep it!) In the meantime, it was unoccupied, and we had to get another special homeowner's policy. Shop around if you need this.

In summary, definitely lay out her options. Let her choose - if she refuses to pay you, I would help her make other arrangements and Exit Stage Left!

Here's some math: 168 hours in a week. At $500 as you are asking that comes out to just under $3 an hour. The going rate is hovering in the vicinity of $20 hour for people who do not care or show initiative most of the time.
You might want to assess mom's legal situation and what papers have been done or need to be while consulting with an elder law attorney who works for a flat rate per task. Even to consult for yourself to protect your well-being financially. There is an exception rule about an adult child who lives with a parent and provides care for 2 years preventing the parent from being in a nursing home that may factor in. Keep some notes/log

The amount you're asking her to pay is reasonable. Some elders may have a difficult time thinking along the lines of 2019 financials. My mother usually thought in 1950s mindset and was shocked when a dinner at a restaurant for 4 people did not cost only $12.

I was reading quickly through the questions and thought I saw ‘prenatal care’ instead of ‘parental care’ and thought, oh my gosh, who has a senior mom that is having a baby? 😂 LOL

You either need caregiver agreement set up by attorney or have her apply for Medicaid & they pay you to be her caregiver. Keep good records. Caregivers rates range about $15-$25 an hour. Overnight could be $180 to sleep over. That’s $1,260 for the week. Tell her you can not afford to live on $500 a week. You have bills to pay & you gave up your job to care for her. Good luck...hugs🤗

Did she ask you to move in and care for her?

ADK, I have to say lots of good advice here. I think the best thing is AL or someone come in and she pays. Like many said you are the daughter and should not be the care taker if she has the money. My mother lives with my sister and pays 0 to her for anything. She can well afford to give my sister money to help out. My sister feels guilty asking her for anything that is why I am encouraging my sister to have her move to an AL that way she gets care and my sister gets the well deserved relief she needs. It’s not a cruel thing to do. It’s for the best. You will eventually become resentful of her. I see that in my sister and it’s sad. It’s a demanding situation. You will figure it out. Best of luck!

If you stay to care for her, go to an elder law attorney and have them write up a contract that clearly delineates everything you will be doing for that pay. Transparency is key. Without a document such as this, she or some entity may see this pay as a gift.....which it is not. If you can't achieve a legal agreement in writing, your mom will need to pay much more for in-home care, assisted living, or a nursing home. In my state, 24/7 care with a CNA is $2500 a week, assisted living averages about $5000 a month, and a nursing home is $15,000 a month.

Just a thought . . . when you are calculating an hourly rate with overtime in an effort to educate your mom as to your value, you might want to find out what the average cost of nursing home care in your area would be. If she has a choice between paying for nursing home care OR an hourly rate with overtime OR your proposed $500 per week, one would think the $500 per week would be the obvious choice.

Use your nursing problem-solving skills. I am an RN too. Get quotes for home health aides, nursing care aides, assisted living, and residential homes for the same amount of hours and care that you are providing. Also, let her know how much your usual pay is as an RN - you have value and so does your time. THEN< sit your mother down and have a discussion about they types of care she needs - from your nursing perspective and not your daughter perspective. Also, discuss the kinds of compensation and time off that would work best for you both - for the long haul as well as the current time being.

Is mom mentally incompetent? If not, she does have the right to refuse care. You also have the right to decide on what kinds of care you can provide and the cost. Think of this as negotiation time not as anything set into stone.

ADK, let's say you decide that you are NOT going to be her live-in caregiver (my hands-in-the-air-waving-madly-at-you-and-jumping-up-and-down choice) and she remains in her home. It sounds like you STILL would be managing a lot of her needs: the hiring (and rehiring if mom doesn't like someone) of caregivers, the paperwork involved in that (bookkeeper/accountant?), daily/weekly home maintenance inside and out (think laundry/cleaning/meal prep), shopping and/or food delivery service, and on and on. Maybe moving mom to a care facility where much of that is included is sounding more like the better choice now? It sounds like she will complain about anything and everything no matter where she is and whoever is caring for her, but in an adult care facility she should be safe and have her basic needs met. Yes, initially this could be a temporarily time-consuming process, but in the long run, you would have peace of mind and the freedom to continue living your own active life.

We aren’t back in 1950, and Mom is not going to change her mind. You’ve already given her the power by sacrificing your life as you knew it... Trust me, things will not get better. If she has the means, she needs to pay for in home care from a professional, or be admitted to assisted living. And you go home and live your life. She will find out how silly she was to try to rip you off. I know i sound harsh, but just went thru all this with my mother. I brought her home to live with me, and found out that she wasn’t willing to do anything, not even clean herself. I asked for $500 a month to help with costs added due to her being here, and she told me that was too much. 1 year later, after numerous times leaving the home open and unlocked, setting a fire in the kitchen, losing a $2000 hearing aid, losing everything she could think of, using her car as a trash can, leaving trash all over the house, smelling like urine, being filthy as all get out, and never showering and whining about how bad her life is, and me paying all the bills for everything, I forced the issue and she is now in an independent living building, attached to a long term care facility, and she’s paying a lot more than $500 a month. NOW she wants to pay me, but I saw how miserable my life got really fast...no time to go anywhere, no privacy, relationships suffering, doing everything for her, driving her everywhere, and just being exhausted every day and night, and I am so glad I pushed it. Many people will drink your blood dry if you let them. Not saying your mother is one of them, but mine is. No amount of money is worth the I got the second i got her out. Best wishes. Be strong, this stuff is what nobody teaches about as we go thru life.

So first off....you are an RN and definitely know your worth. Mom is benefiting from your knowledge and skill set for a bargain basement price. She should be ecstatic that her loving daughter is willing to put her life on hold and cater to her needs 24/7 for such a menial wage. But sadly, this is what happens when some of our elders have the mindset of entitlement. You say she is 100 and can well afford this and much more..... and as others have stated it is probably a good idea to explain how much it would cost her to live in an IL/AL facility or to hire caregivers to come to her home. Of course, that is, if she willing and capable to listen.

If you find yourself in a situation that won't improve because of her stubbornness or inability to recognize the sacrifice you are making on her behalf, than go home and have the piece of mind that you did your best. Rest assured at this stage in her life the chance of her doing a 180 for appreciating your efforts is remote. If you continue to care for her under these circumstances only bitterness and resentment will follow. Save yourself from this emotional turmoil.

Sounds like you are in her will.
It sounds like you are doing what " needs to be done."
Is she able to tell you what she wants.?
I am concerned about your being taken out of "what you want". You are not going to be able to be the "care giver" your mother needs with your personal wants and needs unmet. You may need help in understanding that last sentence. I have observed Nurse' that bring their problems to work and it affects every part of their care for the patients. Spend her money on a full time person and you can supervise.

You don't say that she has dementia, so she can understand your dilemma.  Rather than present her with a number ($500.00/wk), show her what your expenses are.  I'm sure the expenses justify by themselves the fee you are asking, and may be more than that.  If you are not on Social Security or have any other income, this further explains your situation.
At the same time, I would show her an alternative - either in home care or an assisted living situation.  Before you do that, make sure the option of things continuing as prior to your moving in is not an option - older folks in this situation will not accept that this change is necessary. 
As an aside, I think many of us on this site would agree that $500.00 per week is more than reasonable on your part, especially for a nurse providing 24/7 care.  My dad's independent living apartment (cleaning, TV, utilities, and 1 meal provided per day) is about $130.00 per day, and personal assistant aides are on top of that.  Double that for assisted living facilities

Were you employed to pay your mtg when you lived in the mountain home? And were you not making enough money to fix your house while you were living there? Major repairs come over a period of time, not because you moved away.Those are just some questions that came to mind when I read your post.

If you are giving up employment to take care of her, of course you have to have some income to continue payments on the previous home as well as for misc items. So that amt is not much to ask for since she can afford to pay to have someone she knows in the home with her.

Give her some facts to think about - what an outside person would charge per number of hours she needs someone, what a facility would charge per month if you were not available to help, etc. Then let ask her to decide which one she would like to do because it appears you need some income to pay your bills.

If you are not needed 24/7 and plan to work while you're with her, are you just going to be there spending nights with her?? only needed in the evenings?? If you are getting a job and just staying nights with her, it might be considered too much.

I would move her into assisted living and let her pay around $3,800 per month.  You would get to keep your life in the mountains and she would get folks that can assister her with getting, giving and monitoring her medications, they can assist her with bathing, meals are prepared and she would have some companionship with others in her same situation.  Then you can remain the daughter who happily visits and not the one having to give up your life and getting criticized for it.

Trust me on this....

Just hire outside help. If you are looking for the validation from her that she didn't give you when you were a child, guess what? She's still not going to give it. 24/7 is going to make you unhappy and resentful. Not being mean. Just saying if you feel this way now, the wound is open to fester. Move back to your peaceful place.

For 24/7 care you will be getting $2.97 per hour so no it is to too much rather it may be too little - if you weren't available figure the cost in your area & let her know - also tell her some rules like she must treat you well so no snide remarks, no yelling, no hitting etc - remember you can always go home & an RN can get employment easily so she shouldn't treat you like a slave even if she is paying slave wages - you are in the driver's seat here

I live in Florida and came to Michigan to care for my father who has dementia and lived alone. I took a leave of absence from my job, for now, in Hope's of returning to Florida w/dad and possibly going back to work. I, too have expenses. I asked for $500 a week also, which is more than a fair price for 24/7 care. I had a "Caregiver" contract made up, only because everything is in a Trust. My father was totally understanding of me wanting to get paid. But my brothers questioned it, hence the contract. Also, I now am the successor and have taken over the dads household/bank, etc...
If I could, I would do it for free, but we all have expenses. I just look at it as an allowance every week for helping out.
If mom is not wanting to pay you your "allowance" of $500/week, which is more than fair. Then hire an outsider, she'll pay much more, you'll have peace of mind, then maybe after awhile she'll understand that she was better off with having you at a discounted rate. It's tough when parents treat kids wrong. I guess I got lucky. I wish you all the best.

Please do not do this any longer. She has the money to pay. YOU need to be the daughter, not the caregiver.  Trust me - if you become the caregiver she will soon treat you like a caregiver and not her daughter.

And it will get nothing but worse as time goes on.

And if you do accept this role - be prepared to be treated badly and not appreciated.