Can afford assisted living but are angry and resentful about having to move from lifelong home. However, they hint that they would move in with me. I am just as isolated so I would be their only source of socialization. I work from home and they would not have a separate living space. I would also have to cook their meals, laundry, clean up after them and take care of all appointments. How can I do that and work full time?
The guilt is overwhelming me.
Has anyone used a geriatric care manager for home services to avoid assisted living?
BUT is the house safe for them? Stairs? Bathrooms large enough to have more than 1 person in the bathroom and possibly a walker or a wheelchair?
It sounds like moving in with you would NOT be an option.
If they are willing to move in with you that means they are willing to move. I would think that if they tried Assisted Living they would get used to it. If you can get them to try AL for a week or two they might change their minds. Many places will do a "Respite" stay for a week or 2 with the hope that when the decision is made you will choose the place that they stayed at and they know.
There is NOTHING for you to feel guilty about.
And there is no need for a Geriatric Care Manager for home services. That is easily arranged through an Agency. The GCM would be to help coordinate doctor visits, accompany them to visits and relay medical information to you if needed. But if they are cognizant there is no need for that. A caregiver from an agency can drive them to appointments. As long as that is one of the aspects of care that you arrange with the agency when you contract with them.
I sure do wish you luck. Stop with the guilt thing, though, as that's just a burden you don't need to shoulder when really this is all about grief and loss and the inevitability that we bump up against out own limitations in life.
I would stop the hints, myself. I consider it false hope. I would say lovingly that I would never abandon and would always hope to be able to help, but that I have many limitations, and one of them is that I could not live with anyone at all very easily, even a life partner, and definitely wouldn't want to try to live with a parent due to the fact that the needs WILL escalate with great certainty, and I a would not want to deal with that. I have no real problem saying what my limitations are. They are human. I am a human. And not a Saint. Were I a Saint they would have long ago shot me full of arrows, killed me, stuffed my body in some glass case and continued to pray to me to fix EVERYTHING here on earth for them.
Oooookay. So that sounds like an incredibly bad idea for all three of you, then.
"The guilt is overwhelming me."
The guilt involved in rejecting... an incredibly bad idea? Why so?
Your parents would have a crappy time if they moved in with you. They don't want to do that. So forget it, guilt-free.
They don't either, apparently, want to move away from the home they love; but they are now struggling to sustain their habitual lifestyle. They have no cognitive deficits, so this is as a matter of moral and legal fact their problem; but certainly it might be a good idea to research support services in their area.
What sort of area do they live in? Please don't say it's up a mountain in the middle of a forest with not a grocer or a laundry within twenty miles..?
Advice? You know the answer is that them moving in with you is NOT a good idea.
Since they have no cognitive deficits, they make all of their own decisions, correct?
What is their financial situation? Are you an only child?
Find the number for their local Area Agency on Aging. Arrange (or have your parents arange) a needs assessment. Having an outside professional opinion as to what they actually require in terms of support will be a starting point for you all.
Do they have access to cabs or a senior ride service?
A GCM could be a good idea. S/he can present options to your parents with no possibility of guilt.
Also, consider the idea of a temporary move, a trial run during the winter or rainy season is one thought, to an Independent Living facility. We got my mother into one "just until the Spring" and she liked it so much she stayed. 3 meals, housekeeping, activities and stimulating new people. It was a win-win.
Sounds like your parents are not cognitively impaired. I have a feeling that they are with it and are missing their 50 year old bodies. So are many of us but moving in with our kids is not going to restore those bodies. Since they no longer drive, it sounds like they need to be physically closer to transportation and services so relocation to a really nice AL might be a good idea. If it can be afforded (and that's a question because the entry fees can be formidable) I personally am a fan of CCRCs (continuing care retirement communities)with sound financial histories, because they can support a person throughout any medical/memory issues that can come down the pike since they start with independent living and go through skilled nursing/long term care.
I don't think they actually need a GCM but it might be an idea to go with (as long as you find and make they appointment because a GCM can access their current home and living situation. They may have all sorts of issues for and older couple (scatter rugs, stairs and fall issues, bathrooms that are not wheelchair accessible, etc). Now if the GCM makes the suggestion about a possible move to an older care community, it might have more force and resonate better than the same suggestion coming from you. Should your parents complain to the GCM that you are not taking care of them (i.e. sharing your room, playing maid and cook) the GCM can easily point out that you will visit and keep in touch. She/he can also remind them that they need to make sure they have their final documents ( will, DPOA and advanced directive up to date) and that lastly you are working and deserve the opportunity to be a loving daughter, not a stressed out caregiver and remind them..... if something happens to you...... who will look after their interests.
Wishing you peace and luck on this journey. Please keep us updated.
So here's what I would suggest. Can you sell their home and use the proceeds for a small granny flat or add on suite to your home? In the meantime, here are some other thoughts:
Your local area agency on aging should be able to provide a guide or the names of more local resources for all they may need. Housekeeping, transportation etc. If you get a geriatric care manager they may help, but you'll just be paying a fee for what you could do on your own. UNless you want someone to do it for you, and if you would want someone popping in regularly to check on them.
Meals on wheels is another thought, as well as some easily heated home delivered frozen meals or restaurant delivery. Yes, even though you might be present, you can still get them, so that burden is off of you as far as cooking.
Just be very, very firm with your folks. They can still make decisions and choices for themselves.
There's delicious MOW's---(that alone would encourage me to cook!)
Most grocery stores carry pre-made dinners--all they require is heating up. Add bagged pre mixed salads and veggies and dinner is a snap. (I, too, am sick to death of cooking!) I would help them shop for things they can microwave or heat up in the oven. Plan a week's menu, get all the stuff, even do some prep for them if they are incapable..then walk away.
OF COURSE they want to stay in their own home forever. everybody does. But it's not realistic for a LOT of people. we're getting ready to 'downsize' which is a laugh b/c our current home is only 1800 sf. What we WANT is few to no stairs..and upstairs laundry and a double car garage. Hardly the Taj Mahal. Just something easier on me to keep up. A MIL apartment for CG's should that become a neccesity.
I love my little home, but do not love the yard and all the stairs. (More than 50!) Plus parking in the driveway and being the one who shovels snow.
Mostly I don't want to be a bother to my kids!
Empathise with them that our lives change. Always has. Always will. Old age comes to the ones who live long enough!
May they continue to live peacefully & happily in their own home, for a long time too... using taxis, meal deliveries, home cleaning etc. That's the way to stay INDEPENDANT as you age: choosing your helpers.
Kind of like a 🥪💩🥪 + 🍒.
Now moving in with an adult offspring & expecting that offspring to be maid/cook/cleaner/nurse/chauffeur would be called ENTITLED. And it would make them quite DEPENDANT. People who insist on this may have good cognition... but I would say low empathy to not understand/care how this effects their chosen caregiver.
"are angry and resentful about having to move from lifelong home".
OK. So what is it they REALLY want?
To be young & fit again?
Do they fear loss of control of their lives?
Are they starting to grieve over their home?
All very valid feelings.
🍒 Use your empathy to sit & listen to what they REALLY want. You may find they have ideas already about what they will accept & what they will not.
I found my Mother resistant to meal delivery & home help. But the REAL options were to Age in Place with home services or Move into Care.
That then became an easier decision for her - stay home but accept services 😉. But a different family member valued her own smaller space she could manage herself so downsized from a big family home into a retirement apartment (with AL & NH on site).
Sorry for the essay! This is a topic close to my heart & I truly feel for those embarking on this journey.
Order groceries to be delivered with easy meals that are microwaved.
Set up cameras in the home so you can check on them anytime 24 7.
Hire a Live In.
Sell their home and add on a room to your place.
If your renting and work from home,, move in with them and hire help.
But enforcing "work time - do not disturb me" is hard.
But was it did, usefully, for ALL of us, was to break the whole situation down into manageabme pieces.
I think ALL of us, the idea of cleaning out mom's house, selling it and moving her was aountain too high to climb.
This fiction allowed us to move her with just her winter clothes and basic supplies into a repite studio apartment in a very nice complex.
Mom was able to acclimate, see what sorts of units and setups other folks had. She realized that she wanted to be on the first floor, near the dining room, no elevator. She like being in the front where she could look out on the parking lot and see the comings and goings. She wanted a separate bedroom, not a studio and not a 2 bedroom.
Since this complex (had AL and IL) had a geriatrics doc with an office on site and a geriatric psychiatrist who visited regularly, mom was able to walk to her own medical appointments and actually gained MORE independence than she'd had at home.
We were able to clear her house out slowly over the course of 3 years and actually didn't sell it until about 6 months before she died.
The goal is to make sure your parents are safe in their living situation and healthy. If they can afford somebody, not you, to come clean their home weekly, then set up a cleaning service. If they can afford meal deliveries and/or microwaveable meals, then set that up. If they are sharp enough to reliably relate their medical issues to their doctors, then set up transportation to and from appointments. If they need more socialization, enlist the help of family members, friends, members of faith community, and paid help to "visit" them and bring activities into their lives. Of course, they can also use Uber or Lyft to go places they need to go. If they are unsteady on their feet, a doctor can make a referral to physical therapy for evaluation and treatment and training is use of a walker. Being older does not mean being incapable of living alone and neither does gait problems. If they no longer are healthy or safe in their home, then it might be time to look into a different living situation.
If your parents can not afford the services above, it is time for a series of conversations. Explain your concerns to them and their needs as you perceive them. Explain that you want to be involved in helping them. Let them know your current work situation would not allow them to move in with you. Ask them what types of help do they feel they need. Ask them to verbalize what their home means to them - stability, security, independence...? Talk with them about meeting those needs in other ways - senior community, assisted living, full care residences. It would be most helpful to actually research ant talk to local resources before you have this heart to heart talk with your parents.
It is your choice to have a parent live with you. Good for you and your ability to do so.
I would say, in all honesty, that MOST of the people on this board cannot/will not bring an aging parent into their homes and give up THEIR lives for them. Not b/c they are bad people, but b/c it's HARD....impossible in a lot of cases.
I spent 2 hrs with my mom yesterday and then the rest of the day with a migraine. In what way is that helpful to ANYONE?
My mom has been living with my YB's family for 25 years. He is in very poor health and we are worried he will outlive HER--and his wife will move mom out in a NY second if that happens. There is so much resentment going on---mother is a difficult patient and there isn't any joy and not a heck of a lot of love going on.
PLease don't come here and post a holier-than-thou statement. One size DOES NOT fit all--and people who are currently burned to a crisp due to FT CG hear it and feel worse.
You have your dynamic and if it works for you, great. Reading your short post make me grind my teeth. I'm sure I'm not the only one.
During this time, my husband was diagnosed with dementia and early onset alzheimers. He also fell and broke his shoulder and was forced to retire. He became meaner and resentful of everyone. Mom passed just before Christmas of 2018 and I was diagnosed with cancer in my colon. While in the hospital, my husband went on a spree looking up women I found out he was seeing while working. I came home from hospital to a house where my items were packed away because he decided "when I get you well, you're out of here". I called he neurologist and they increased the dosage on his meds. It took about 4-6 months before he actually became a decent human. I now resent the time I spend caring for him. I have lost my friends, given up my volunteer work, seldom see our children and an outing for me is a drs office, pharmacy or grocery store. I was recently told it appeared I had contracted covid at the end of 2019 and it was continuing to destroy my lungs. I need a knee replacement too and I have NO ONE to care for me and he can't. He can't drive anymore.
We instructed our children to put us in a NH no matter how we argue once the doctor says it's time. We've paid for final expenses already.
Don't move them in with you please.
I have to stop myself from getting in my car and driving into oblivion for a few weeks. Our dreams and plans are nothing but dreams now. Don't do that to yourself.
Go for that drive, but PLEASE just for a peaceful weekend away! Somewhere that restores you, beach/mountains/lake/desert, or maybe to enjoy a hobby. There was a poster recently who wanted to get back to quilting weekends with girlfriends. That sounded lovely.
I have also instructed our kids to place us in NHs if advised to. I have seen just too many people lose their reason & empathy - I knew my own Mother had lost these when wanting me to care for her + dis sib & to abandon my own children to do so - her own grandchildren. Her younger self always was against being a 'burden' & would be horrified at that thinking.
This was told to me by a counceling service & also conformed by a social worker. I was originally shocked.
But after a LOT more than 6 chats, phone, in person, then intervention with social worker - I believe it! I have only seen acceptance of more home services for now, still no future plans. I now believe some people just can not or will not plan. Doctor called my situation now *awaiting a crises*. Said doctors said these folk who refused to move or accept help had *the right to rot*.
Hopefully that does NOT describe where your folks are, or will be!
If AL is the direction, it's not all about losing one's home either... it can also be about gaining a community & security. Glass half full 😇
I hope you have success with 'the chat'.
You, and they, are likely to discover you have a disconnect in your lives and lifestyles from the years of you having grown up and moved away from your childhood life, and the disconnect and differences will grate on all of you. How many TVs does your house have? What shows must be (probably loudly) watched that you don’t want to watch? Which shows do you want to watch that they won’t like? All things that will grate on all of you. How high or low should the thermostat be set?
They are your parents, and by default are going to want to be in charge of you and your life and lifestyle. On top of being their child, you are going to be their servant. They are not going to respect your work-from-home job hours and need to be left undisturbed to do it. Won’t happen.
When taking care of elderly parents in one’s own home was more common, families were bigger and more generations lived together or nearby. Fewer adult women had outside jobs. There were more people to share the load. Even the very elderly used to be able to help out, keep busy, and feel useful, on farms in ways they can’t in a smaller city/suburban house. You will have to take on the work load of many people alone, in a house not designed for it.
It is likely you won’t be happier if you move them in, though you may have the feeling of satisfaction that you did your duty toward them. The other question is, will they be happier?