Overwhelmed as a caregiver. Any advice?

Can he be placed with her? Dementia/ALZ is a criteria for NHs.

Obviously he needs to be in AL too. Until you stop making up for everything he cannot do, nothing will change, he is not capable of living independently.

Set your boundaries, don't keep answering the phone. He is manipulating you, it is up to you to change, as he will not. He is not going to die if he moves in with your mother, he can't have it both ways, so it is time to stand up to him.

Only you can stop all this craziness! Good Luck!

I hope he can be placed with Mom. Meanwhile do not accept all those calls. Tell Dad you are sorry, but there are not a lot of options. He can stay home and adjust or go with Mom, but there is no other option open to him or to you, and that you do not have time to answer the phone; that you will check in morning and evening with him. There really IS no answer to what happens at the end of life. So sorry. Wishing you good luck.

Tell him your mom needs him to help her get adjusted and see if that will help him change his position on being with her in the ALF. Is he able to spend time with your mom everyday? That might be a start and then extend the time each day. He must be so lonely.

Can your Dad's PCP prescribe an anti-anxiety medication? Is it possible to place your father in the same facility (not the same room or wing) so he could eat a meal or two a day with your mother? I understand the break with family to allow someone to adjust, but since your mother is doing fine, you might consider taking Dad to lunch with Mom if you think you could get him to return home afterwards.

Is there an adult day care program available to get Dad out of the house (where he is focused on your mother's absence) for a few hours a day?

If both parents have dementia why not place them together in Memory Care?
Tell him if he wants to be with her that is his only option. At some point he will also need Memory Care unless you decide to have him remain in his home and have caregivers come in 24/7/365. If keeping him at home is a possibility is it possible to get caregivers in now and care for both mom and dad in their home?

I agree with looking into an anti anxiety agent to help him. Also placement in a different room or wing. I’m so very sorry for what you are dealing with.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much stress. It sounds like you’ve found good care for your mom. It also sounds like your dad needs to move also, I understand that it can’t be with her, but his disease progression is to the point that he shouldn’t be alone. His mind is just racing and he no longer has the skills to cope, I can’t imagine his panic and confusion. You must know you can’t listen to a person with a sick brain saying they refuse to move, he needs care and a safe environment, much like you’ve found for your mom. It must feel impossible when all of this is on you with both parents, I hope you can find him a safe environment soon.

Kayla my mother had to go into a NH 5 years ago after a serious infection that left her completely bedridden. My father was ok on his own for a while but he got seriously ill with septicaemia 3 years later and the hospital discharged him to the same NH as my mother. Before that he had been driving in to see her every day until he was forbidden by his doctor to drive and he got other people to drive him in. By the time he went into the NH he was already prone to falls and I wasn't able to manage him on my own. He would get verbally and sometimes physically abusive with me as well.

I still feel very guilty about not being there for them properly even though I see them at the NH several times a week. It's essential to keep an eye on them and make sure everything is ok.

Is there any way in the near future you can place your father with your mother? I know things would not be manageable for my parents if that had not been possible. There are several married couples in the same nursing home each with different issues.

In the meantime see if it is possible to take your father to see your mother once she settles in.

It's very hard doing it all on your own so you need to get as much help as you can and to plan whatever you can in advance.

Good luck.

When an Elder expresses their wish to go home they are referring to the home where they grew up with their Father & Mother and Siblings. A time when they felt safe and loved.
It is only natural that your Dad is very lonely and finding Life extremely difficult without your Mother as they have shared so much of their Lives together. 57 years is a great length of time and I wonder could it be possible to have Your Mom & Dad placed in a Care Facility together ? There must be some way ?

Since your mom is doing well now perhaps your dad could go for short visits. His well being is important too. If you don't think that would be good, he will need to be diverted in some way, although he will most likely keep circling back to wanting to be with her and forgetting where she is. How are the care givers doing with him? Eventually he will not be able to stay in his home and once out of it he will probably be fine in a facility. All of this will continue to change as this horrible disease takes its course. I hope for your sake changes are for the better.

Start taking dad for daily visits to mom. If he seems to handle the visits well - in a couple of weeks - then start talking to him about joining mom. Remind him that mom needs more care than either of you can provide at home. If he wants to be with her, he will need to live in the facility. I have done nursing clinicals in residential facilities where they have married couples. Most allow them to share a room. It tends to work well.

Place him in a different home, if he can't be placed with her. They never want to leave their home, it's natural to feel that way.
His needs are different from hers and I know it's a lot of work but if you look at both of their needs independently you will probably come up with an answer. Medication is good for the short term also, as it will help to calm him down and easier for you to place him.
If and when your Mom wants to see him, then you can do that, but for now seek Doctors help with your Dad.
Good luck to you. It will take time, but you will eventually have it under control.
Your situation is especially challenging, So sorry.

Does dad take an anti anxiety med? Best of luck to you. You cannot continue receiving that many phone calls at night.

(Hugs)), as you said, they CANNOT be together because of the physical violence. He doesn't sound like he is capable of living on his own. See if his doctors can prescribe something to calm him down. The next time he goes to the hospital, tell them he cannot be alone. If they say they will release him anyway. Tell them it would be an "Unsafe Discharge". Those are supposed to be magic words. I haven't had to use them so I don't know.

My heart goes out to you. ((HUGS))

This is so terribly sad. It’s a shame that they can’t be together but you had to do what was best. I’m so sorry that all of you are struggling with this.

You know that you are doing all that you can do. You are reassuring him. Hopefully he will adjust soon. It hasn’t been all that long since they have been separated.

My in-laws both had dementia. MIL was worse and FIL used to yell at her too. We first got them out of house by going to IL but then he got worse and we moved them both to memory care. We put them together which was not a great idea. She broke her hip and when she came back from hospital, she went into a different room. Their facility had cottages so she was in a different building. In your case, hopefully you can put your father into the same facility but a different level of care. If that cannot be done, then find a facility where they both could live separately but where he can visit. That is, if they have money. He cannot be left alone so he either needs to be placed, live with you or have someone at his home. But since it costs more for 24 hour home care than for placement in a facility, I would vote to put him in facility. Tell him it is just until she can come home. His wish not to move cannot be granted. No one wants to move but it is going to have to happen. I think they all equate “move” with “die”. I don’t see how you can ignore his panicked phone calls. You might get more sleep staying at his house and calling his doctor for some anxiety meds for him. But be careful with meds. They might make him more confused at night. So sorry this is happening to you and them.

One day at a time. In this hour of stress, don’t overthink. Give your brain a break. Everyday is and will be different. In other words, plans are only temporary ideas.

Change is very bad for seniors. Roll with it and let them get use to the new norm.

Don’t be angry about repeating yourself. Just know that they are frightened.

Once you accept their shortcomings, things will begin to fall in place. It worked for me.

Give him some time to adjust. Do you have time to visit with him every day too? or maybe you do that all the time.. not sure. could have a cat or something to sit and pet? maybe it could be a cat that could live there and you could care for? can you take him to visit her? this sounds pretty rough. also, like JoAnn said, placing him with her might be the best thing although I know you said he refuses to go. I wonder if he could stay over night with her there for a couple of days? Would they allow that? Or could he be dropped there for a big chunk of the day and then picked up to go home at night? that way he could spend lots of time with her but also be sleeping in his own bed at night... just a thought.

Sounds like your dad's condition is not good either. Sounds like dementia if you tell him things over and over and he does not remember. It sounds like more than stress to me.

Something has got to change ASAP. Short term - call his doctor re meds (as others have suggested).

Sorry if he gets agitated if you don't answer the phone, but tell him you will NOT answer 30 - 50 calls a day. Not happening. A few a day is reasonable. But anything more than that is kinda crazy.

How is your mom adjusting to her placement? If she's doing OK, maybe taking dad there to visit wouldn't be such a bad thing? Or maybe it would be horrible, I'm just not sure.

I’m am so very sorry to hear this! My folks had a similar situation. Remember- you are doing the right thing. Both of their safety is first priority.

my mother went thru the same thing. My dad spent months staying overnight in her room, in a recliner. That helped them both so very much. Finally they were placed into a apartment like care facility. They have no responsibilities. They are served meals in either the dinning room or their room.

I believe they were required to pay for the first two years (it’s expensive) their selves. Then if they have no funds, I believe medicare or Medicaid kicks in. I apologize- I’m 16 hours away & have been shut out by my sister- so I’m going off memories, which mine are not so great either! It sounds like perhaps your parents have reached this point also?

Many of the ladies have some great book suggestions to read. Do you have any help in caring for them? Any back up?

I remember early in my mom placing hundreds of call. It was hard. I once got a call from my dad, who had gone to see my mom alone, and had gotten lost. He was in “someone’s house” alone, scared, in tears. No idea where, or how to get out. It was pitiful, and crushing. This was my dad who was 6’6”, the strongest man I’ve ever known, I was always daddy’s girl, his favorite and he mine, I’ve always called him crying with my problems!

the biggest thing in these situations is remain calm. Like it’s normal. In moms case the calls were generally short. Especially if it was about going home. I’d explain why that was not possible, she’d get mad and hang up on me, but not before using filthy language she’d never used before and saying horrible things she had said to me during my childhood- bringing back some pretty awful memories. I quickly found a therapist to help me deal with everything.

with my dad, I stayed calm. Thankfully hubby was home. I was able to grab his phone and while talking with him, calming him down I was able to call my sister, who was able to track his phone and see where he was. They live in a smaller town so it did not take her long to get to him. I simply talked him thru calming down, dealing with the fear, we prayed thru it, and then began to just talk - memories. We laughed and laughed until she got there.

this went on with both of them until they were both moved into the same facility and same room- that was tough, as they moved out of the house they built 40 years ago and raised their family in. They’d never dreamt they’d live this long, and never planned for it financially unfortunately. But, God is good and always in control.

its 3 years later, they are doing well. They enjoy their apartment. My mom has become a social butterfly with all the activities and my dad is a bit of a hermit, generally leaving only to eat - but he had a stroke 3 years ago so had trouble getting around much. He worked extremely hard, physical labor from the time he was little, on a farm - until he retired, having spent many years working two jobs for years - leaving before dawn & returning well after sunset. He deserves to now sit and rest if he wants to!

i promise it will get better! I’ll be praying for you - if you need to vent, or just talk, please let me know - I’d be honored to help. Due to family problems, I don’t get to help with my folks any longer, so I am always wanting to use my experiences to help others thru theirs, if it can make even a few minutes easier.

hang in there!