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Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Ummmmm.... Yes. Absolutely. My work frequently calls for me to be away from home overnight. It's hard on the remaining family at home, but it works out. It's true that I "pay" for it, when I come home, because my Dad is both so angry and so relieved he can't help himself from being nasty and needy, in alternating breaths. This last trip, for the first time, I didn't want to come home to this house and family and pets I love. I've been so cranky and tense, and can't seem to stop the cascading emotions and snakiness I am spewing. Though, today it seems more internally peaceful. I think burnout comes with the territory. As much as the physical demands, I find its my own internal "weather" that costs me time and energy. I get mad about the unpredictability of how long it takes to get him ready in the morning --will it be 30 minutes or will this be a 90 minute day? Will he have spilled the urinal? Can I find where he stashed the dirty "special underwear" he didn't want me to know he soiled -- the one I can smell, but will be yelled at for hunting down? How hard will it be to keep his dog from biting my dog this morning? What else will I find? When the kids were little, there were days when you had to take them to the doctor unexpectedly, but those times were rare. It's less rare for him, so I always have to have a back-up plan for work (I am a consultant so not so easy) when clients are counting on me. I rarely see my friends these days because it feels like too much trouble to make the plans, and then all I do is whine when I am with them. I blame it on Dad being here, on Dad's temper, on Dad's stubbornness - but the real problem is my internal battles about him. It's all stuff I can change within myself, but have less and less resilience to be able to do. Somedays I feel like I want it to feel seamless to Dad, how much effort this all takes. Other days I want him to recognize how topsy turvy this has made the family. Some days I see how upended his own life is, and feel more patience with him. Then there are days I feel like I don't see how I can get through the week like this, let alone potentially years more. I want to see an outcome to root for that doesn't require rooting for him to die. And there are moments when I remember it doesn't matter WHAT I root for. Things will unfold as they will, when they will. When I can get myself to stop wrestling ME to the ground, I can walk through this with more peace and grace. SO the real thing I root for is that I find more moments of that. Sorry for the rambling...
Anybody? Try almost everybody! Expert after expert tells us that we absolutely MUST have respite. We tell each other that we must get away from the situation regularly. We know that caregivers have higher death rates than our non-caregiving peers, and are subject to all kinds of stress-related health problems. And we also know that one action we can take to counteract these adverse outcomes is to have time to ourselves weekly and to take regular vacations. So, do we?
Sigh. It is very, very difficult to arrange respite regularly. But we do lots of other very, very difficult things. We need to do this. (And I say "we" because this is something I too haven't been as conscientious about as other caregiving duties.)
So we know what the problem is: not getting time away We know what the consequences are: ugly health and mental health impacts And we know what the solution is: arrange to get away regularly
But the solution can be hard and we often just don't have the energy to make it a priority. We should.
My heart goes out to everyone here - it seems we can never do enough no matter where they are living; even at the nursing home. My stomach still turns every time the phone rings; as my mother is queen of drama and faking things to get my attention; no matter where she has ever lived. At her house, my house or the nursing home. One of my children was away at college and needed to come home due to some problems she was having. But, home wasn't home anymore; and it broke my heart. Long story short, my mother needs to be in the nursing home; gets great care and lots of socialization. She has had her life and won't let her ruin mine and my family by living with me. I choose my children; their lives are only beginning and they need me.
Both my MIL, who I took care of in my home until she passed; and my mother have been queens that were waited on hand and foot by their husbands. I felt guilty having my MIL here while my children's lives were turned upside down.
Yes, there are choices; and if a quality nursing home is available - there is nothing wrong with it. A therapist once told me "No one can make you feel guilty". Took me a long time to understand that; but I get it. I'm done with guilt and I am focusing on my children and their needs as they need me more. No one can take my place as far as their needs are concerned. But, there are plenty of people to take my place as far as my mother is concerned.
Blessings to all; I feel your pain and realize a nursing home is not always an option for everyone. But, it was for me. And through blood, sweat and tears she is in one of the nicest around. Also, talked with a priest and he was so supportive; even said he would help us as he was on the board of a local nursing home; so even God was on my side. Take care
My Mother, in assisted living has panic attacks when I go out of town. Even if I'm at the beach and only two hours away. I go anyway. She makes the time before I go miserable, and I'm punished in someway when I get home. But being away sure is wonderful.
Today, my husband is taking his father to the hospital and I am praying they will keep him a few days. I know this is wrong, but that's how I feel. This morning, I am sleeping past 6 am, for once in a LONG time, and my husband wakes me to do my FIL's iv, although I showed him how to do it. Wow,I think, couldn't he do this himself? Already, before the sun is barely up, I hear a list of complaints and demands......must call O2 people, for more supplies, call the med., people, call the doctor, etc., No, it's not time to take iv out, no you cannot have dairy with cipro, etc. The other day, my husband and I had a terrible arguement about all of this. I tried to explain to him that I am burned out and his reply is don't be so dramatic. So, on top of everything I have a very selfish husband who runs away any chance he gets. I miss so many things....little things, like playing my stereo loud while cleaning the house, lighting candles, having friends over for dinner. Working! I notice that I am much more sensitive and snappy lately and my husband has become very critical. But, I know how much I can and cannot take. And, I have no problem voicing that I need help. All we can do is take one day at a time and take lots of deep breaths and pray.
oh wow... you are going to get a ton of email on this.... Ya im burnt out,,, beyond toasty, im crispy. Im only 43 yrs old, but Im the parent of 2 teens and a 61 yr old Mom with a mutitude of health issues, and alzhiemers. Once Mom got on hospice 3 months ago, her health has gone downhill. I had to toss in the towel. I love her, but I also love my kids, and dont want to be a bitter mean woman because I cant do everything, and feel like I should. Weve applied for Medicaid for Mom and she is going to go live in a nursing home. No one else in the fam will help, and I cant do it anymore. My friends dont come over cause Mom will " have an attack", and if the kids have sleepovers then shel be up a the butt crack of dawn making all kinds of noise.. I dont understand, and hope Im never like her...... please try and take some time for you, and cherish that solitude, or put your foot down....
dGrey63: Your comments were right on. When my mother goes to the hospital I pray that they will keep her in too......but that always backfires. As soon as she is given a bed, then she HAS to have a TV, then she HAS to have a phone, when do I get "MY" meals, etc. Then the list-making begins. "I'll need my lipstick, the one on my dresser, not the one in that red plastic cosmetic bag.....bring my housecoat too - the burgundy one, not the flannel one .....you better bring my laxatives because they'll charge me for a bandaid in here.....don't forget to bring my mail and water my plants in my room, too ......since I'll be in here, you'll have more free time, so you can vacuum my room while I'm in .......see if you can get me some of those cheese tea biscuits that I like......ask one of the girls (my daughters) to pick up some note cards for me, I don't know how long I'll be in here so I'll have to let everyone know....I'll need lots of kleenex so bring a few boxes........." it goes on, on and on without end and no matter what list you are given, or what you do bring, you'll get "oh, you've forgotten (blank) -- I thought I told you (notice that it isn't ASKED you?) to bring that! You'll have to go back and get it and you can bring it tonight". There is no peace for you whether they are in or not. Whenever they go out to do whatever errand, you are still at their disposal: "Oh I thought you'd have my laundry done by the time I got back"; "I'm sure you've had your lunch so you can make me mine now........." HELL
I know how you feel.I lived in ohio 4 years an taken care my mother an aunt plus traving back an forth to pa.Now i been retired since june of 06.So i put my life on hold for almost 10 years now.My mother is 93 an my anut pass way at age of 92 3 years ago.But its the right thing to do in GODS eyes.Im burn with no help at all with 8 family members with 10 mins from her.Dont stop you will be bless from above.
Hi, wow this is an issue for everyone. I have been caring for my Mom for two years she had a hemorogic stroke. I am an only child so cannot ask for help from anyone. I retired early because it was too much, but I am 62 and am getting so tired of not being able to come and go as I would like, it is time to look at assisted living or getting a companion to come in so my dh and I can go on vacation. I miss just meeting my kids and having a conversation without her.....the guilt I feel will kill me.
I don't think I could do this if I didn't make time for myself. Mom is 99 1/2, gets around sometimes with a walker, sometimes not. Thankfully she is not incontinant. I have an agency that comes in 2 mornings and one aftenoon a week...total of 11 hours. It's not cheap but the alternative is to go bonkers. I did get a state grant that helps pay for resite and was able to place her in a nearby rest home for a week for a much needed vacation.I'm alone here even though like so many others there is other family within 10 minutes. I have friends in for lunch or dinner regularly which helps as well...an adult conversation works wonders. Also, I really think my prayers for patience were answered!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My work frequently calls for me to be away from home overnight. It's hard on the remaining family at home, but it works out. It's true that I "pay" for it, when I come home, because my Dad is both so angry and so relieved he can't help himself from being nasty and needy, in alternating breaths. This last trip, for the first time, I didn't want to come home to this house and family and pets I love. I've been so cranky and tense, and can't seem to stop the cascading emotions and snakiness I am spewing. Though, today it seems more internally peaceful.
I think burnout comes with the territory. As much as the physical demands, I find its my own internal "weather" that costs me time and energy. I get mad about the unpredictability of how long it takes to get him ready in the morning --will it be 30 minutes or will this be a 90 minute day? Will he have spilled the urinal? Can I find where he stashed the dirty "special underwear" he didn't want me to know he soiled -- the one I can smell, but will be yelled at for hunting down? How hard will it be to keep his dog from biting my dog this morning? What else will I find? When the kids were little, there were days when you had to take them to the doctor unexpectedly, but those times were rare. It's less rare for him, so I always have to have a back-up plan for work (I am a consultant so not so easy) when clients are counting on me. I rarely see my friends these days because it feels like too much trouble to make the plans, and then all I do is whine when I am with them. I blame it on Dad being here, on Dad's temper, on Dad's stubbornness - but the real problem is my internal battles about him. It's all stuff I can change within myself, but have less and less resilience to be able to do.
Somedays I feel like I want it to feel seamless to Dad, how much effort this all takes. Other days I want him to recognize how topsy turvy this has made the family. Some days I see how upended his own life is, and feel more patience with him. Then there are days I feel like I don't see how I can get through the week like this, let alone potentially years more. I want to see an outcome to root for that doesn't require rooting for him to die. And there are moments when I remember it doesn't matter WHAT I root for. Things will unfold as they will, when they will.
When I can get myself to stop wrestling ME to the ground, I can walk through this with more peace and grace. SO the real thing I root for is that I find more moments of that. Sorry for the rambling...
Sigh. It is very, very difficult to arrange respite regularly. But we do lots of other very, very difficult things. We need to do this. (And I say "we" because this is something I too haven't been as conscientious about as other caregiving duties.)
So we know what the problem is: not getting time away
We know what the consequences are: ugly health and mental health impacts
And we know what the solution is: arrange to get away regularly
But the solution can be hard and we often just don't have the energy to make it a priority. We should.
Both my MIL, who I took care of in my home until she passed; and my mother have been queens that were waited on hand and foot by their husbands. I felt guilty having my MIL here while my children's lives were turned upside down.
Yes, there are choices; and if a quality nursing home is available - there is nothing wrong with it. A therapist once told me "No one can make you feel guilty". Took me a long time to understand that; but I get it. I'm done with guilt and I am focusing on my children and their needs as they need me more. No one can take my place as far as their needs are concerned. But, there are plenty of people to take my place as far as my mother is concerned.
Blessings to all; I feel your pain and realize a nursing home is not always an option for everyone. But, it was for me. And through blood, sweat and tears she is in one of the nicest around. Also, talked with a priest and he was so supportive; even said he would help us as he was on the board of a local nursing home; so even God was on my side. Take care
I'd like to hear what others have to say.
This morning, I am sleeping past 6 am, for once in a LONG time, and my husband wakes me to do my FIL's iv, although I showed him how to do it. Wow,I think, couldn't he do this himself? Already, before the sun is barely up, I hear a list of complaints and demands......must call O2 people, for more supplies, call the med., people, call the doctor, etc., No, it's not time to take iv out, no you cannot have dairy with cipro, etc.
The other day, my husband and I had a terrible arguement about all of this. I tried to explain to him that I am burned out and his reply is don't be so dramatic.
So, on top of everything I have a very selfish husband who runs away any chance he gets.
I miss so many things....little things, like playing my stereo loud while cleaning the house, lighting candles, having friends over for dinner. Working!
I notice that I am much more sensitive and snappy lately and my husband has become very critical.
But, I know how much I can and cannot take. And, I have no problem voicing that I need help.
All we can do is take one day at a time and take lots of deep breaths and pray.
"I'll need my lipstick, the one on my dresser, not the one in that red plastic cosmetic bag.....bring my housecoat too - the burgundy one, not the flannel one .....you better bring my laxatives because they'll charge me for a bandaid in here.....don't forget to bring my mail and water my plants in my room, too ......since I'll be in here, you'll have more free time, so you can vacuum my room while I'm in .......see if you can get me some of those cheese tea biscuits that I like......ask one of the girls (my daughters) to pick up some note cards for me, I don't know how long I'll be in here so I'll have to let everyone know....I'll need lots of kleenex so bring a few boxes........." it goes on, on and on without end and no matter what list you are given, or what you do bring, you'll get "oh, you've forgotten (blank) -- I thought I told you (notice that it isn't ASKED you?) to bring that! You'll have to go back and get it and you can bring it tonight".
There is no peace for you whether they are in or not.
Whenever they go out to do whatever errand, you are still at their disposal: "Oh I thought you'd have my laundry done by the time I got back"; "I'm sure you've had your lunch so you can make me mine now........." HELL
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