My elderly mother recently moved from her home from another state and now lives in an assisted living facility close to me (I have POA). My teenage daughter works at her facility and has been following COVID protocol standards put in place by this facility. The facility has been testing for COVID regularly - they did have several positive cases (cause for concern), but as of today they are COVID free. Recently my mom and daughter received both doses of the COVID vaccine. Before my mom received the vaccine, she wasn't sure if she wanted to get it. I had told her that since she's still able to make decisions of her own, she needed to decide. She got the vaccine and seems to be fine (no adverse side-effects for either her or my daughter).
My sister (not from this state) was wanting to pay all of us a visit within the coming month). My husband (who takes the virus very seriously and has been tested twice to protect himself and our family) would like my sister and her husband to get tested before they come. I had mentioned the possibility to my sister and she was furious and stated "we won't come" if they have to get tested. This breaks my heart. (In the past she hung the phone up on me when I told her I was taking my kids to get their flu shot!).
I'm trying to be diplomatic, but I feel like I'm literally stuck in the middle of an ugly battle that won't end well for either case. I have been trying to err on the side of caution and follow proper protocol when it comes to my mom and family's health. Has anyone else experienced this situation? I'm worried that if we stick to our guns and tell them to please get a test, they won't come. Maybe they won't have an opportunity to see my mom again and will make us feel like it's our fault. On the other hand, if they feel like this virus has been a farce from the beginning (and they aren't taking it seriously), they could spread it to the rest of my family who has not been vaccinated yet. Every time I converse with her she seems angry with the world and they way things are and blames it all on politics. I'm ready to have a breakdown... it's getting to be too much. Any advice is appreciated!
This is on the facility, not you.
If she wants to come to your state w/o being tested & w/o getting the 'vaccine', then she can do so, it's not a mandate to be tested or to get the shots. The AL has it's own rules with regard to visits, however, and she will be FORCED to abide by those rules if she wants to visit her mother. She may have to do a window visit, which is what we have to STILL do in order to visit my mother who lives in a Memory Care AL. And yes, she's had the vaccines, but they're still insisting on window visits for now.
Your sister is free to take the virus seriously or dismiss it entirely, that's her prerogative. And it's entirely YOUR prerogative how you choose to live life in YOUR home and who you wish to invite to stay with you inside of your home. When my sister wanted to come visit us several months ago, I said No. Period. She wanted to drive out from NYC with her b/f and my DH was recuperating from open heart surgery & then lung surgery, and I felt like I DID NOT want her and the b/f to be staying at my house, nor did I want them visiting us after staying in a hotel. My house, my rules. Same with my DH's children who were insisting on coming here for a visit in November & December. No. Simple and direct is the best approach.
Your sister can be as angry & belligerent as she'd like; it's her choice.
Good luck!
It is what is being tested at the time the sample was taken.
If the sample that was taken was done well, great. There may be false negatives.
I recently was tested prior to an outpatient procedure. I was told after the sample was taken to go home and stay home for the next 3 days. I already had a doctor's appointment that I could not reschedule so I did not stay home for the 3 days. I could have picked up COVID during that time.
If your sister and her family all get tested what value is it if they then travel to your home. Or would you ask them to get tested after they come to your state then wait to see you and mom? And there is a lag time between exposure and when and if the test would show anything.
Your best bet is to not worry about testing. Require masks, social distancing and hand washing.
Can't fix this one. I would say no to the visit.
Or
Sister can come to your state.
Sister does not get to visit you, your house.
Since you are POA sister does not get to visit mom. At least in person. If she wants to visit from a window, great. but I have the feeling the facility would not permit that if she refused to wear a mask.
No way to be "diplomatic" about this. You are acting in your mom's best interest as well as your family's interest.
As it is clear that your sister is not prepared to follow the safe course of action - it isn't about her "proving" herself infection-free through a test, it's about the whole attitude - then I cannot see why your husband should be expected to welcome her to his home. She is free to stay nearby, of course. And presumably your mother's ALF will have its own restrictions and procedures in place to allow safe visiting, if not now then soon. So you are in no way preventing your sister from seeing her mother. She can please herself, just not under your roof.
At 92, his days are numbered and there is a real chance I may never see him again. I can live with that. I could not live with the possibility of being the person who infected him.
I really want to bring my grandson, my Dad's first and likely only Great Grandchild, over to see him, but I cannot. My wishes, do not override health authority regulations. My grandson's Great Grandmother on the other side, died without meeting him. Luckily my Mum sees him each time I look after the baby.
You are asking your sister and her family to take reasonable precautions. She is the one being unreasonable and she will bear the burden of her choices.
Perhaps you might want to take a look at the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
I am severely immuned compromised, my bone marrow is failing. No one has been in my house other than those that live here since the cirus hit. My sister drives 2 1/2 hours one way to sit on my front porch, with both of us wearing a mask and staying 6 feet apart, for a few hours and then drives back home. That's even how we had Christmas.
If your sister wants to see you bad enough, she will follow your rules.
I follow the guidelines of my state. I wear a mask. I practice social distancing. I don’t shop the same way I used to. I use home delivery, ordering online etc. My husband and son both had Covid earlier.
My husband and I have traveled several times both last year and this year. We always check out the locations before we go. We’re planning a trip in April to Paradise Island in the Bahamas. We’re going with friends who have their own plane. We dine out, go to church and other community activities. I’m not one of the people who make every move based on Covid.
I had my brother and my niece to my house and I placed no restrictions on either of them. My dad had never seen his granddaughter and hadn’t seen my brother in 50 years. I’m glad they came. My dad was so happy. He died shortly after.
This is just my life. Everyone is entitled to their own way of handling the pandemic.
My mom tested negative before she left a rehab hospital, was quarantined as per protocol when she got back to her nursing home the next day, and on the last day of her quarantine 18 days later, she tested positive. It was traced back to the rehab hospital where six other patients all tested positive later, too. She ended up being quarantined another three weeks.
I'd tell your sister she can visit when everyone in your family, including your mom, is vaccinated. Your husband has a right to feel safe in his own home. A vaccine doesn't prevent anyone from passing on the virus, but if you're vaccinated, you'll likely have a minor to an asymptomatic case. You and he need to do what you feel protects YOU, and if your sister isn't interested in getting vaccinated, that's her business.
My husband's family has a few denier types in it, including one brother who couldn't believe we had to cancel my MIL's 85th birthday last August. We finally pointed out that a large number of guests would be in the same age group, and while he (and my MIL) might think they're invincible, the others might not agree. Folks simply stood their ground firmly, and the majority ruled. That scenario has been repeated at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and I'm sure it will be again at Easter. (It gets old.)
Stand your ground.
Those who do not wish to get vaccinated? Fine by me. Darwinian, in fact. BUT you won't be coming to visit me unless and until I AM vaccinated (number two for me at 12:30 today, thanks Kaiser!).
I don't want any longer to convince anyone else to do anything. I am capable of protecting myself and will happily do so. So your Sis is mad? "So sorry, darlin; now y'all get out there and have a better day!" It is truly way too difficult to change hearts and minds. Let everyone make his or her decision. If they cannot abide by the taking of a simple test, then that's sad. But the even sadder truth is that a test before getting on a flight says not a whole lot about the single person you meet AFTER that flight coming to your house.
Wishing you good luck. I myself wouldn't think I was missing a whole lot if this Sis was unable to visit to a while.
For me, its my house my rules. Just tell sister that your sorry she is upset but so far you have been able to keep ur family safe and you want to keep it that way. You would love her to see Dad but she would need to stay in a hotel/motel. You could meet somewhere for dinner. You have now given her an option. Its up to her to take it or leave it. Its not all about her. Her decisions concerning the vaccine and masks are her decisions and she has no right pushing them on you.
Do what you feel is best for your family.
Don’t pay any attention to what others think about it.
They get to set the rules in their houses but not yours.
If your mom has already had the shot and wears a mask then let her decide what she's comfortable with.
If it were me, I would see my daughter.
Since your mom lives at a facility, your sister can visit her without seeing any other family members, seeing your sister can be a choice made by each one individually.
Psst, you don’t really have to be sad.
1 - COVID is virus spread through mist/droplets exhaled by infected people. It can be from a cough, a sneeze, or just an exhaled breath.
2 - The majority of people will have a mild infection similar to a cold and get better quickly. Many in this group may not even realize that they have the infection. This group is more likely to spread the disease without proper precautions - face mask, hand washing, social distancing, frequent cleaning of high touch surfaces...
3 - Up to 30% of people will have a severe infection: fever, loss of smell/taste, cough, shortness of breathe, GI symptoms, and serious lack of energy from pneumonia. This group of people are more likely to be hospitalized and may even need respiratory support. It may take months for people in this group to recover. Unfortunately, 3-5% of people will die from this disease.
4 - Vaccines do not prevent infection. Vaccines build up the immune response so an individual is more likely to have a mild infection instead of a severe infection or death. The vaccines that are available can not "infect" a person since there is no live virus. Many people may have a reaction to the vaccine that is consistent with the body developing an immune response: tiredness, slight fever, achiness... OTC NSAIDs have been approved for these symptoms.
5 - Getting COVID tested will only prove that a person does or does not have active infection at the time of testing. Incubation period for COVID is generally 10 days but some people have become contagious in 2 days after exposure. So a person may get COVID tested before a trip, but get infected during travel and become infectious within days of a negative COVID test.
6 - The best way to prevent infection to vulnerable populations is vaccination and following CDC or WHO protocols. Meetings held outdoors tend to decrease the risk a bit further.
I am the only one who wears a mask there. None of my siblings mask up, there or in their own realms. A couple of them are vehemently political about it and deny that COVID is worse than flu. After all, they haven’t had it yet so it must not be that bad. One of them was so combative about the vaccine that the oldest sister kept it a secret that she was getting her shot.
They aren’t reasonable, don’t care about science, and are tired of living with restrictions. You can’t reason with them any more than you can reason with someone who is a brainwashed cult member. So protect yourself. Insisting on seeing test results is not perfect but is perfectly reasonable. Insisting that people wear masks and practice social distancing is perfectly reasonable. I would not allow any unvaccinated person to stay in my house. I wouldn’t go to a restaurant, for sure. I can’t stop people from doing what they want, but I don’t move one inch to help them do unsafe things. If your sister wants to arrange a visit on her own, there’s not much you can do about it except to inform the facility that you expect them to enforce mask wearing. No way do they get to stay in your house, ride in your car, join you for dinner. Stick to your guns.
Most of our immediate family have been vaccinated except for husband's brother.
We are still wearing masks and staying home.
I have a daughter who chooses to vacation with her family and do socializing in large groups. When she has an outing I isolate from her family for 14 days.
I provide after school care for her children so this is not a small issue.
It does not hurt to be careful. Its very selfish for the visitors not to submit to testing.
Your sister may not agree, but she is being selfish in refusing to take a simple test. I will say testing before she comes isn't enough. She would need to test again when she arrives. The choice not to come is her choice, not yours. Do what's best for you and your family and don't compromise your own choice to keep your family safe.
I have family members still dealing with it. One cousin is doing better but still can’t smell or taste food.
I have a niece who normally has tons of energy is now tired all of the time.
My other cousin is seeing a pulmonologist now and I am hoping he will feel better soon.
I agree that people should not object to being tested.
I appreciate your posting. Stay safe.
Also my personal experience, my gramma 99 got covid didn’t even go to the hospital, she recovered fine but she had had her pneumonia vaccine. My uncle lives with her from who she got covid from. He almost died because pneumonia developed, it developed because he didn’t have the pneumonia vaccine. Just really sad to know how many people would be living today had they all got the pneumonia vaccine! I so wish the scientists were pushing this so more lives could really be saved rather than freedoms taken away. So all reading this please take this advice seriously. Get the pneumonia vaccine if you’re under the age group to get the covid vaccine and if you have your reservations about the covid vaccine this is a great alternative to potentially save your life!
Stay home and do whatever the heck you want, but going into someone else's home -that's different. If homeowners family wants a test, take it, wear a mask in their house, or go get a hotel room but do not blame not getting to see your mom at the end of her life on anyone else.
It is your sister's decision to see her mom. I would bet that if she decides to go to the facility where mom is, she's going to end up getting a rapid test. They don't just let people off the street and non-maskers enter those facilities. Your sister may not agree with that decision either, but then she needs to realize her freedom to choose ends at my freedom to choose. If she can't take a test to offer protection for your health, and uses that excuse to not see mom - her decision to live with.
All you can say is you/your family not willing to take a risk. --Has she even given a reason to refuse a test???? I mean if she got the flu really bad and went to a dr, he would probably test her for flu in order to determine what medicine to give. You might also remind her of all the vaccines she took as a child - might have kept her from having smallpox, measles, etc. - Stick to your guns.
Anyway, long story short, DH’s brother, wife and kids who haven’t seen my FIL in a year decided to “spring” a last minute visit on us. With all that we have been doing to stay safe, we weren’t about to blow it on one visit. We asked them to have a temp check, wear masks and visit outside. If they wanted to stay overnight, we have a camper they could use.
We did not feel ok with not letting them visit or requiring a test (they are really not that accurate anyway) but we did find a happy medium to keep everyone safe.