Follow
Share

Both of my 79-year-old parents are mentally ill alcoholics. My sibling and I have been estranged from them for years due to their nasty behaviors and unwillingness to seek help. They are completely isolated and have been left to self-destruct.


They physically fight with one another, frequently fall, injure themselves, can’t cook/don’t eat enough, and now can barely walk and can no longer make it out of the house to pick up groceries. My mom is showing signs of dementia and has other debilitating ailments, and my dad has cancer. They neglect and abuse each other and themselves, and won't get checked out by their doctors or be honest about their drinking habits or accidents.


Unfortunately, they’ve reached a point to where they can’t get by without outside help, and are asking me since I have POA. I can’t even get them to agree to see a doctor, and they fly into a rage when I threaten to send an ambulance. In addition, I am concerned about their behaviors in assisted living and how they’ll treat hired help. Please help, what should I do?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I think you should surrender your PoA, call APS, and resume your previous state of estrangement.

Not your mess to fix.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
BurntCaregiver Feb 1, 2024
Amen to that, Zippy.
(0)
Report
Lioness,

I realize that this is a heartbreaking situation for you. I’m very sorry that you have been struggling to cope.

Please accept that you don’t have any control over your mom and dad’s behavior. They don’t even have control over it. Alcoholism is a disease.

The only thing that you can control is your response to this situation.

You say in your post to Southernwaver that you don’t want to turn your back on them. You’re not turning your back on them by calling for an ambulance.

EMT’s are trained to deal with all sorts of issues. Let them deal with whatever is going on rather than expecting them to be agreeable with you.

If you don’t want to relinquish your POA and call APS to come in, then at least call an ambulance and allow them to go to the hospital for care. Once they are admitted you can tell them that they are alcoholics. Alcoholics cannot quit cold turkey.

Best of luck dealing with this challenging situation. Also please look into attending AL-ANON. You will meet others who have experienced similar issues and will help guide you in the right direction.

Take care.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Go to a lawyer and give up POA. Your parents are not going to listen to you . They haven’t cared about their health forever , they aren’t going to start now . Don’t bang your head against the wall .
Call APS.
You and your sibling go to Al-anon . You can’t help those that do not want help . But you and your sibling can find ways to accept that your parents choose to live this way .
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
BurntCaregiver Feb 1, 2024
Definitely go to Al-Anon. It is very supportive and helpful.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Llioness, they don't want help, they want to be propped up by you, so they can continue with the lifestyle they have.

As hard as it is and I know 1st hand, we have to not get sucked into the black hole that our loved ones have chosen. You are their POA that means you make decisions for them when they can not. It DOES NOT mean that you have to become their caregiver, or anything else. Please get yourself educated on what your responsibilities are as their POA. I think every state has the information on their website. A quick search should guide you to the state statutes governing the legal requirements for a POA.

Rremember, they don't want help, just propping up to continue the insanity that they chose.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
BurntCaregiver Feb 1, 2024
Well said, Isthisrealyreal. Truer words have never been spoken or written.
(0)
Report
NOT. YOUR. PROBLEM.

Eventually they will end up in the hospital and it will all solve itself.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Why would you threaten to send an ambulance? Why do you need to tell them about the ambulance?

Just send the ambulance. And consider getting rid of POA.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Lioness18 Feb 1, 2024
Thanks for the reply. Good question, I guess because I realize they are sick and it’s hard for me to turn my back on them now that they want help.

What happens if they no longer have a POA and no one to look after them?
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
Stay estranged.

If you & sister have been estranged, how do you come to know the details of your parent's fights, falls, diet etc? Is someone closer reporting?

Call APS. People who are paid to do this will check out their situation & interveen as & when required.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I’m so sorry for the situation and your parent's life choices. You must have dealt with much pain over this through the years. Please keep reminding yourself that they don’t want help outside of it being on their unwise terms, and that will involve them lashing out at you. No one deserves that. I hope you’ll decide to report their situation and remember that protecting yourself is never wrong
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
BurntCaregiver Feb 1, 2024
Never tolerate the lashing out nonsense for one second. Don't take their abuse. Walk away and leave them to it.
(2)
Report
Assisted living won't take them. Not with cancer, alcoholism, falling all the time, can barely walk, and dementia. AL facilities are not nursing homes. They need a nursing home.

Call APS (Adult Protective Services) and have them come out. Tell them ahead of time that they refuse any kind of evaluation or medical care and that they're in danger on their own. Ask the police to do wellness checks too. If the cops see them living dangerously, they will act.

The dementia level will be the deciding factor. People have the 'Right to Rot' meaning they can live in filth and squalor if they are judged to be of sound mind. So, you have to just leave them to it. Let them fail. Hopefully the next fall won't be too serious and they will accept help.

You and your sibling would benefit from joining Al-Anon. I went to Al-Anon for years and the support and understanding you and your sibling will receive from its members is incredible.
Alcoholics are very manipulative to their enablers. Even the ones who don't have nasty personalities and aren't abusive. Like my ex-husband. He was a wonderful and loving man but he knew how to be maipulative to get what he wanted and to maintain the status quo.

You and your sibling are enabling them by propping them up and doing for them and this allows them to behave abusively and continue drinking. They know if they fly into a rage that you and your sibling will fall right in line and obey their commands.

That needs to stop today. Your parents need help. Whether or not the accept it has nothing to do with you or your sibling. Talk to APS. They will help out and can even advise you on how to get yourself removed as POA. Ask the police to do wellness checks on them. The cops will take action if they are elderly, sick, and living unsafely.

Good luck to you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
ArtistDaughter Feb 1, 2024
Good advice. However, I'm remembering the horrible circumstances with my brother while reading about Lion's situation. We called an ambulance when my brother said on the phone that he fell, couldn't get up, but would not allow us in his house (he hadn't allowed us in for years). He refused the ambulance, then called the police on us. When we explained to the police the situation, they went inside his house, talked to him, and reported back to us that he was fine, sitting in a chair, and in no danger. AND that if we interfered again we would be charged. One month later my brother was in the hospital with heart failure, delusions, an arm turned blue from a clot, and inability to walk from more clots in his legs. Going in his house we found cat and human waste everywhere, a totally ruined bathroom, months of trash buildup in the kitchen, and just the most disgusting situation I'd ever seen or smelled. The beautiful house he had planned and built himself 35 years before was a wreck. He died 4 months later in a nursing home, never coming back from his delusional state of mind. I wasn't POA and had no authority. His daughter decided to leave him alone. He talked to me daily on the phone in the month after he called the police because he didn't know I had been involved in calling the ambulance. He actually somehow sounded okay, as he always had. I spent many days with him in the first nursing home, but the second one wouldn't allow me in because of covid, so I continued daily phone calls. All this while also being there for my mom every day. (I was on leave from work). I see now that APS should have been called, but the police warning stopped my niece from doing anything further, except to get the poor cat out of there. My brother, a talented, athletic, handsome, and established man, chose to drink himself to death. Yes, it was a disease, but with so much addiction in my family I have finally come to realize there is sadly very little we can do to save our loved ones from destroying themselves. Our hearts just have to get broken again and again as we try everything we can think of to do for them.
(3)
Report
See 2 more replies
"since I have POA"

What do you understand your POA obligations to be?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter