Need advice from all my new trusted friends!
Like many of you, I have noticed a steep decline in my Aunts mental status with the isolation.
I had to place her in ALF in November. She is in California and I am in Montana. (Apologize if you already know this).
Long story, but after flying out there in late January, sitting her down with all of her friends, she seemed to understand that her home has been sold. The endless calls to her church and her friends for a ride home had totally stopped.
We had left her old home number working so we could answer important calls and let old friends know where she is.
Now that she has been in isolation the calls have started again.
She has been calling her old phone number 12 to 20 times a day!
So my question is do we disconnect the old number or leave it alone?
If we leave it, is it fostering the belief that her home is waiting for her? If we disconnect it, is it gonna throw her on the boat mentally?
I am at a complete loss as to what to do!
I'm so grateful for your support and insight!
I appreciate you all!!
22 Answers
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For instance: "Mom, this message is just for you. I want you to know I'm thinking of you today. And love you today and everyday".
If this is anyone but my Mom, please leave your message after the beep.
I never saw where it said her son's voice was on the outgoing message. I asked this:
"If he is the outgoing message on the phone, and she can hear his voice, then definitely keep the phone the same, imo."
But did not see that was confirmed.
BIG "IF".
Hope you are not going by what I had "asked" if this was happening.
No evidence.
if you don’t have the phone there are apps for a second number. I had to get one of the phones for her that had pictures of the people she likes to call. Let them know what the new number so the can decide to answer or block the number. Remember to program the emergency 911 button to the number for the voicemail so the facility doesn’t get an unexpected visit from emergency services.
Don't go into the gory details, just something like "we had your number forwarded to me while you are staying at the ALS, Remember?"
May assure her that her son was staying in a good place, the last tournament heard. "When I talk to him I'll give him a message." No sense reminding her of things that will just make her sad. Especially when she won't remember it much past that momentary sorrow.
It is so hard sometimes. My dad is at the house he has lived in for over 30 years and there are times he will ask to go "home." Or if they are "allowed to be here."
There are times when he thinks he lives where he lived over 50 years ago. Or that he needs to train for a fight. (He was a professional boxer for a short time. ) We use that one to get him walking. There is no sense reminding them of harsh realities that make someone feel hopeless and helpless.
Wwith this virus most of these places went from feeling "fun" to being isolated and lonely.
I have a friend who runs a small place in Florida and she was telling us that one of the hardest things for residents is that they can't see their caregivers smiles. They don't recognize themor are distrustful of rather it is really them or someone pretending to be them.
It is rough! So forward the call and talk to her. At least that is my advice.
Let her call her old phone # if that makes her happy.
Also, if you've already told her that her home was sold, no need to keep reminding her of that.
If it makes her happy and gives her hope that she still has a home, then let her think that as there is no harm and she should keep as many Happy Thoughts as she can.
Add that to losing your home— and being thrown into a new, unfamiliar environment - and at a time when you are struggling to figure things out.
Alot of people in care facilities will die alone this year. It Is happening now, every hour.
Her life has spun out of her control. She must feel hopeless and sad, confused: like Dorothy mixed together with Alice in Wonderland.
it would be inhumane to disconnect the phone.
For her calls, like Nancy says, you can pick them up and talk to her. If she realizes that she was calling her old home, you can say that she called you by mistake and just start talking about other things.
Is she living on her own? Isolation? Social isolation or in facility isolated because of disease. If on her own, perhaps that needs to be reviewed.
The second potential reason depends on how you perceive the messages she is leaving. You mention her son's voice is on the outgoing message and that she's forgotten what he did, so she still cares and/or worries about him. Are her messages just stating she will be home later, or does she sound upset or agitated? IF she is only leaving a simple message, mainly for the son, I would let the phone stay, at least for now. If it suddenly went away, she might end up more agitated and worried about him. She still understands leaving messages.
Is it possible to have someone, maybe your brother, call her back and pretend to be the son? Not every time, but once in a while, just to reassure her that "he is okay". I know it sounds deceptive, but a very brief call might be enough to soothe her. Be ready with a reason to cut the call short - such as break time is over, gotta run, love you, will talk later!
My aunt “called home” for a few months after entering her AL. The messages were heartbreaking to us, her caregivers, but always seemed to end on an upbeat note, letting her sisters, brother, or mother know that she’d be coming home late, or staying at work, or going to a meeting.
If she’d been distressed rather than satisfied, I’d have stopped the phone service. I was very comfortable for her to have it though, while she needed it.
Keep the cell phone:
1) To answer at your convenience.
2) To test her memory, see if she forgets.
3) Does she know who she is calling still? Or where?
The goal would be for the next 4 months to not have any changes that would upset or confuse her. If you answer it, ask her if she needs anything.
My brother is the one who has access to the messages on the old number. My Aunt has a new number. Every friend that I could find numbers for, has her new number.
Unfortunately she has never learned to use a cell phone or a computer for that matter. She has to ask for help with the TV remote.
She absolutely knows she calling her (previous) number. She's leaving messages for her son. He is currently in a homeless shelter. There is a restraining order against him because he was abusing her, which she doesn't remember. She's leaving messages telling him she'll be home in a few days.
Maybe the answer is to let it ride until she can resume activities at her ALF. Before all this, she was never in her room! Now she's in there 24/7 . Too much time to revert to the familiar???
Thanks!
It is so hard to figure out what is best... My cousin finally moved his mom into a board n care. He thought that would be the end of her. According to him , she didn't even realize she was moved..
I would say, get rid of number, or have all calls forward to your phone so you can answer or take messages. She may be confused as to why her phone still works, but she can't go home. That may be very confusing...
Declining in mental status is going to happen as she gets older too. Isolation doesn't help either.friends getting to this stage is not a happy sight, so friends will stop visiting, especially if she cannot hold a conversation, or can't remember their names or recognize them.. The more isolation, probably identifying will be hard too.
If she has been in the same place since November, she may have connections with some people. Moving her now, may not be the right choice either. Going back to the phone. She probably equates the phone with home, and the phone still "works", so why isn't she able to be at home? All she probably thinks of is to go home.... go home...
Have the number forwarded to your cell, for awhile, and then perhaps, close it.
Does she have a phone in the facility? Maybe start with that..
Her number may be the only number she remembers to call. Maybe just tell her the new rules are no phones. If you need to call someone, mom, facility needs to notify me first.. By email? Think about that. Maybe her number is the only number she knows, and she relates that to home....days gone by.
She has had a new phone number since moving into the AFL.
She has amazing friends that up until Covid have been visiting and taking her to church and dinner every Wednesday night.
I was absolutely ready to move her closer to me, but after the "Intervention " with her friends in January, she seemed to settle in. She knew that she was in a new home and told me numerous times how happy she was.
Unfortunately, I couldn't move her now! That would involve me flying to California to bring her back to Montana. Connecting flights. Just not safe.
My fervent prayer is that once she can get back to her activities, she will get back to where she was before isolation. Probably wishful thinking.
Dementia steals memories, so you don't know what will cause a decline. Change does for some, some get a little brighter for a bit.
One thing is certain, just when you think it's all figured out, something will throw a curve ball in and you feel like you are starting over.
Best of luck dealing with the unknown of dementia. Hugs, it is difficult.
I guess I'm just worried that if I disconnect the old number it will further add to her current anxiety.
Would it be better to wait till she can get out of her room?
My brother does communications for a living.
We didn't want to use her old number because we didn't want her to get calls from her mentally ill, abusive son. So we set her up with a new number, however, we are still able to hear messages left on the old number . We're still dealing with my deceased Uncles buisness and old friends calling.
When my Aunt calls her old phone number (of 43 years), she gets a voicemail with my brothers voice.
I know we need to disconnect it, but is now the right time? Or should we wait until she can get out of her room? Maybe then she wouldn't be so consumed ?