Need advice before I lose my mind!

I can relate. I do a lot, but my dad wants more. That happens when elderly are depressed. They dwell on it.
The move is a good step. May your parents adjust well.
Take time for yourself to recharge. And set some boundaries.
Pick a day or two to bring her things. Limit visits so you have time for yourself

All the best

Sorry I had to laugh as I recalled having to buy my own presents for dad to “give” me - sometimes he’d open it thinking it was his - just after I’d reminded him he had a gift with my name in his hands - other times I had to ask and more than once I went off to sort something out to find he’d given the gift to someone else!

With their ailments they aren’t likely to remember the niceties of saying or writing thanks - and yeah I get the President part - been there too. Sister wasn’t working - I was.

Can only suggest you have a schedule and stick to it - bar any emergencies. Literally work time / your time (out) and their time. Pin visit times up so they know when to expect you.

You’ve done the worse bit getting them and their possessions there. Now start as you feel able to continue - with set times and duration of visits.

Congrats on continuing to be the top top sales person despite all the stress!

Take the hardest step, for your own good. Stop thinking of them as being capable of being part of a mutually nurturing and contributing relationship with you, and allow yourself to become their loving and supportive caregiver, with no expectations of anything coming back from them.

When you can do that, you can also become YOUR best friend and advocate without expecting anything from Queen Sister and her consort.

Whether or not they’re actually too disabled to consider your feelings or not, they will eventually be, and allowing yourself to practice SELF ACKNOWLEDGEMENT will hopefully soon become second nature to you.

YOU are doing what needs to be done, and that is a sincere and generous gesture. Now do the same, in ways personal to you, for yourself.
You deserve to be proud of your work, and treat yourself accordingly.

So common place, set your boundaries, keep them in effect, No means No. Don't jump to her every whim, no reason to go there everyday, make a plan, once a week you will drop off "What she wants".

IMO, that generation is the most selfish, impatient generation of all times, it is all about them.

Only you can change this, start setting your boundaries today and remember NO is a complete sentence. The more you condescend to them, they more they will take advantage of you...not my rules, just how it works!

You have done the hard part. Having them agree to go to an AL. Mom needs to realize she can't bring everything she wants because there just isn't room. I would take nothing valuable. Your Dad has ALZ. He no longer has the ability to show empathy and never will. Trying to reason with him is a lost cause.

Mom, you didn't mention why she was in NH? But you should set boundries now. They are safe and have people to care for them. Let those people do their job. Ur parents are paying for it. I never toileted Mom once she was in the AL. I told the aide when she needed changing. Mom was paying 5k a month and half of that was her care. They need to rely on the staff. If there is an emergency, the staff will notify you. Don't allow calls from Mom when ur working. Tell her personal calls are not allowed. If you are close enough to run an errand after work, you can call her to see if there is something they need. If not, as suggested, give Mom a white board to write down what she needs. If not an emergency, tell her u will pick them up ur next visit.

At my Moms AL they handled ALL medication this included OTC drugs. The Nurse had to have a doctor's order to give Tylenol. Mom had laundry and cleaning services. Take advantage of what they offer.

Encourage them to be as social as possible. Sit down in front of Mom and look her in the eyes. Tell her u can't be their everything. That she needs to rely on the staff to help. That you work a fulltime stressful job. There will be times you just need to come home and veg out. You also have other responsibilities. So, you can't be there all the time. Maybe u can set up a time at night to call them. Maybe u can only see them a couple of times a week. Yes, they are important to you but Mom needs to understand you have a working life. Tell her to call your sister if she feels the need to talk to someone. If sister complains, explain to her what u explain to Mom. I must work. Because of that, I only have so many hours in the day. I cannot be at Moms beck and call. And when sister visits, you stay home. Use that time for yourself.

Wow! You have gotten a lot done, and I know how difficult it is to move One parent into assisted living, but you took care of both of their needs!! Bravo!!
It broke my heart about three years ago when my Mom no longer went nutty about my birthday. She just had deteriorated that much with the Disease; it wasn’t anything that could be fixed or corrected. In that same year, she also lost the ability to read or write. She was an English University Professor, and then by the end that year, she was in adult diapers and completely dependent on caregivers for everything.
I visited about once a week until the end, when I spent the last few weeks of her life at her bedside.
Please pace yourself with the visits, is what I’m trying to say. They will worsen over time, and there will be urgent calls from the facility over the next few years until they pass away. They are being well taken care of, so please permit yourself a break for a while! Best wishes to you, and Happy New Year!!

Thanks everyone, I was having a rough time thinking I'm being selfish for wanting time for me again now that they are both in a safe place and together. It's good to hear that I'm not! 🙂

When my son goes to visit my mother in Memory Care once in a blue moon, it's like you said........it's as if The President came to visit. Never mind what I do for her, and what my daughter, the second class citizen does for her, it's the Golden Child that gets all the kudos. For doing precisely NOTHING. Nada. Zip. Zero & Zilch. It's always that way, it seems to me. The ones who do the most get crapped on while the good-for-nothings get carried around on chairs. Yay!

Rant over.

Mom & Dad, please make a list of everything you need and I will be over ONCE A WEEK at thus-and-such-a-time on thus-and-such-a-day to deliver the items.

My mother has gotten to the point where she just 'can't be bothered' to make a list of what she needs. She doesn't get around to it. Then it's a crisis! OMG I am in DESPERATE NEED of face cream!!!! I'm in DESPERATE NEED of body lotion!!

If only they made face cream & body lotion in VATS I'd be all set. Sigh.

Anyway, that's the way to deal with crisis du jour your parents will invent. At YOUR convenience. Otherwise, plan to camp out in the hallway or on a cot in their room where you can be available 24/7, the way they'd like it!

Best of luck! :)

Your mother's been living in a skilled nursing facility for those eighteen months, is that correct? And you were taking care of your father, who has dementia. And now she finds herself his primary caregiver, living with him once more, now in an apartment in an assisted living with memory care facility.

Wooo. That's quite some adjustment for her to make. For over a year she's been waited on hand and foot, and had no caregiving to do. I'm sure she's glad to be back to "normal" as a couple, but is it possible that there is more to this than she bargained for?

If you look closely at the types of support included when you compare the NH and the ALF service specifications, what are the differences? She may be finding that the attitude of staff when she asks for help is different now, less "how high" and more "can't you manage that by yourself?" That would be correct, it enables her and encourages independence; but all the same it would take some getting used to.

ALZ Dad, skilled nursing Mom.... big changes... Dad has ALZ, he probably won't or doesn't remember what day it is.
When you go to the store for yourself, try to remember what parents may be running low on, like Ensure. They will always use that along with A & D lotion, vitamins, snacks, toothpaste and brushes, etc. etc. Or call your mom to tell her you are going to store and what if anything does she need?
For my aunt, if I remember, I will pick up a case of Ensure, lotion, shampoo,

Kathy, they'll rely on you more b/c you've proven that you're there for them, that you can handle the tasks, and that you're reliable.     And that's a compliment, even if it might not seem to be.

People learn to distinguish who's trustworthy and who's not.  

But it does create a challenge to balance your own needs and keep others' needs under control.

Do you see similar patterns at work?  I did, and eventually learned to be proud if asked to do more than others on similar levels.  

All very good, sound advice. Blessings to you in this new year...,

Happy Birthday!  Buy yourself a Birthday and Christmas gift and cards from your parents' funds if that's an option, and a thank you gift, too.  If not, buy something special for yourself anyway and do something relaxing even if it's doing nothing. 

You took care of them, and what they need/want.  Mom may not be able to think ahead to make a list or remember until she goes to get something; so make one, and take things when you go unless they're emergency item/s that can't wait.  Check around their apt. when you go to see what they need.  Often, they don't remember that they're running out of or out of something.  Make use of stores that will pull items for you to pick up and those that deliver. 

Mom is likely very tired, a lot of change for her, and needs extra help living there, too.  Hopefully, there are a lot of hands on for Dad routinely ~ and Mom .. so Mom isn't thrown into caregiving at all or any housekeeping.  If they're in the same apt., she could be unintentionally thrown into a caregiver role, and that would not be good.

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday!

All of these answers are so dead on! Smart people on this forum. I’ve learned so much. I wish I had known about it years ago. Would have enlightened me and I wouldn’t have lived my nightmare. Oh well...can’t cry over spilled milk, right? All I can do now is share my experience with others like all of you have shared with me.

I have said thanks many times but would like to state my deepest gratitude once again. Thanks to everyone who helped me see that I was lost and needed your guidance to get my life back. Hugs for all of you and I truly hope the upcoming new year brings forth happiness for all of us. Love and appreciate all of you! 💗

Happy Birthday Happy New Year

Happy birthday!

Tell her how you feel! Do many people let their elderly parents take advanced of them and I don’t understand why.

I know what you are going through. I've been there. Time for straight talk. Stop what you're doing before you wind up at the ER. This sounds selfish but it's the truth. You have to remember to love your self first and take care of yourself. If you go down, you're parents will have no help.
Second , don't expect thanks from your parents, it's not the same people you knew. They don't process things clearly anymore. You have to put up limits /boundries and let the caretaker staff do their jobs that you are paying them to do. You are trying to control everything and with you trying to be perfect at work also, I see a bad outcome for you. Back off and let some things go. Breathe.
The sister and brother in law sound like a piece of work. You need to have a talk with them to stop being selfish and letting you do everything (because they know the perfectionist will!). If they don't want to be part of the process fine but don't come around for the inheritance. I said these exact words to my brother and sister in law. I'm not just talking.
Take time to breathe and reevaluate all this. You are being pulled too many ways and being used. Change before you get depressed and a heart attack. Please. You are in my prayers.
Keith

It's the Prodigal Son - you're always there so you get taken for granted while your siblings who only visit periodically are treated like Kings & Queens.

It's sad, but there is nothing you can do about it.

When my father asked me to do things I was unable to do, I suggested we find alternative measures. Thankfully someone from Mom's church came to visit him faithfully - even though Pop was of a different faith. But I lived next door while my sisters both worked full-time. I accepted it, but we worked together when Pop had needs that I was unable to assist with.

At some point you are going to have to learn to say "NO" to your parents. It really is the reverse of dealing with a child or even a pet. It's not easy to say no.

Put limits on how often you will visit. Put your mother's requests on a list and bring them next time you visit on your own schedule. Don't feel obligated to know up and fetch things each time she thinks of them.

I have only been my Aunts caregiver for 4 months now, however, I have come to realize that being a caregiver for a loved one is truly a selfless act of love.
Frustrating and heartbreaking.
The positive is that your parents are safe and well cared for!!
Perhaps you could have a heart to heart with your siblings and come up with a schedule for visiting.
You're amazing for all your doing!
By the way, Happy Birthday!!

First, happy birthday, albeit a few days late...I send you many kudos for your unrequited caregiving of your parents. I will offer advice, but first:

I was a caregiver of my good wife for 12 years, the last ten of which she was in a SNF....She was not demanding, yet I had to learn to stand my ground in a pleasant way when I felt her requests were occasionally unreasonable, and, on rare occasions, somewhat impatient.

First, I reckoned that her condition made it "natural" for her to behave as she did.
(paralyzed on one side, brain damage from stroke, unable to speak much, etc.)
So I vowed to not be impatient myself..She could not help it.

Second, I realized that I went to sit with her at breakfast and again at lunch every day...Being retired, I had no problem doing this...I hired ladies to sit with her her at the dinner hour daily. Enough is enough.

I could go on.

Your situation is different than mine, yet I believe the following steps should help.

Do not answer phone calls. Let the answering machine be your secretary. If mom or dad fusses about it next time you visit, tell them you will do better from now on..They will likely forget what you say. (Perhaps you could give the facility an alternate phone number to call if there is a true emergency.)

Limit your visits to what suits your needs. Reduce the frequency of your visits to your "peace-of-mind point." Again, when mom/dad fusses about wanting to see you more often, apologize and say you will do better, yet keep visiting on a frequency that suits you.

Finally, determine that you WILL NOT please mom/dad no matter what you do. Thus, you will not feel as though you must jump through hoops trying to please everyone....It is an impossibility so just rise above it and take satisfaction in all the things you are doing and have done.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Happy birthday! Congratulations on finding your parents a nice place and getting them moved. Wow, you are doing all this while continuing to work full time!

I doubt you will "abandon" your parents since you moved them someplace with more help. You moved them since you couldn't do it all. Mom is used to seeing you daily and appears she wants to see you daily. Does she need you there daily? Do you want to visit them daily? It may be time to space out the visits: every couple of days or weekly? Find the balance that allows you "family time" as well as "time off" for activities you need to do and want to do. Encourage your parents to make friendships in their new community, to get involved in community activities... so you are not their sole source of friendships.

As others noted, we don't know why your mother was in SNF - no mention of dementia for her, but perhaps she's in the early stages?

Having been "catered" to at the SNF (well, as much as possible - they are not noted for doting on people) she may expect the same from you. However, the fact that you go there daily and respond to her requests for items will only reinforce what she is doing. Cutting back on visits and insisting she make a list, either on paper tablet or white board, and then only providing these items later when you have time and go to visit might help retain your sanity! It may not stop her asking/expecting you drop everything and do her bidding, but unless it was something that she needed for her health, there is no need to give in to her demands. Sure, we want to help our parent(s) and keep them happy, but happiness comes from within. Jumping to her demands is not going to provide that happiness but it will burn you out!

"...I have barely received a thank you, not even a hand written note for Christmas nor for my birthday which was on 12/27."

Well, we all thank you and wish a Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas and best wishes for the New Year, esp if you take the advice being given! It will help make your year better!

As for siblings and other family members, don't hold your breath that anything will change. You can't make them visit or understand, you can only make suggestion(s) a few times and then move on. The only things you can change is your attitude towards their ambivalence and feeling slighted by your parents.

As others noted, oftentimes the parents see you all the time and in some sense take you for granted. The ones they don't see often get the royal treatment - sometimes this is because they were always perceived as the "Golden" child or it might just be that they don't see them often. When I go to visit mom, typically she says 'What are you doing here?" and/or "Where'd you come from?" I don't take offense at it, and sometimes tell her I came from Pluto or Venus! A few times when YB came when I was there I heard her say the same thing to him.

Now, when OB came to visit, you would think he WAS royalty!! He isn't local, so visits were not often, even before she was moved to MC. There are/were some subtle signs that he was the "Golden" boy. Does it bother me? Nope. It is what it is. The funny (ironic) part is that when he was last here, to help with condo clean out, we visited the day he arrived and the next day I suggested he visit while I get ready to head to condo. When I suggested another visit later, he refused and said he "didn't know what to do with her." The rest of the ~2 weeks he was here, he didn't visit, except a quick one to say goodbye when he was leaving. I doubt he will ever visit again.

"My Mom keeps asking more and more from me and I want to help them transition but still keep what little sanity I have left!"

Helping them transition, as most have suggested, would mean visiting less often - they need to adjust to their new "norm" and going too often will delay that happening. The bonus from this will be to help keep your sanity! Cut back to only a few times/week or even once/week. This is NOT abandoning them or negating their needs. It may not change the situation, but it will help you. Also, don't take offense at them not thanking you or remembering your birthday - OB and I share the same day which would make it easier to remember, but clearly that's gone (I also don't need reminders that I am getting older!!!)

"Thanks everyone, I was having a rough time thinking I'm being selfish for wanting time for me again now that they are both in a safe place and together. It's good to hear that I'm not!"

You absolutely are NOT being selfish! "ME" time is an important part of retaining your identity and sanity. Knowing that you provided care for them all this time and are still there to provide some extras, see to their care and visit should provide the ATTA-BOY thanks you deserve!

All I can say is... I got my life back when I decided to go to counselling .. I learned stand up for myself & set healthy boundaries ... this meant ME changing, not them .. it also meant I was setting healthy boundaries with others (nice... ;)
I started dealing with my fears & slowly started getting stronger, but still with compassion. (my back history is mom being controlling & negative - high expectations of me - trying to control me - )
It was suggested to me by a friend in similar situation to NOT go over everyday -- it becomes expected... When mom went in to a seniors home, I had seen counselor enough that I was stronger & proud of how I was handling it all - even though ti was new to me (only child & dad dies years ago) I have my boundaries, I visit a couple times a week for anywhere from 1/2 hr to couple hrs & mom comes over every Sun. or other for dinner ( couple hrs.) I get her out every couple wks. for McDonalds, Drs., getting meds, bit of bumming around etc .. to get some fresh air b/c she doesn't get out unless i take her. I find she gets grumpy & bored ..I don't let her bring me down, I allow that to be HER negative energy. Getting outside freshens her mood up & lets me have some positive time with her.
I just allow her to be & don't take on the negativity anymore - counselling has been the best gift I gave to myself, my mom and everyone in my life ...
All the best to everyone here - here's to healthy boundaries !! ♥

Time to have a meeting with family members and indicate what help Mom, Dad and you need. Even though they are in a home, there are still things that are important, such as caring loving visits.

But, keep in mind, they might never do anymore. And, as I found out, to keep your sanity, don't ever expect anything from anyone. I don't want to sound harsh, but our daughter did not come to visit us for over 3 years, knowing her father's Alzheimer's was advancing, memory was getting worse each day and I would pay for her flight. As I went through, hurt, anger and every thought imaginable, I read something that said in order to not hurt, is never expect. I found that to be so
true. Yes our daughter did visit after 3-1/2 years, and her father did not know her. Ok, this is not about me.

It is up to you to set times you will be available to do things for them. Take time for yourself. Try to take an extra breath often! They will settle in. When my mother went into a home,they advised me to not visit for a few days so she could aculumate. It is a major change, especially at this stage in their lives.

Bless you, know what YOU do is out of love and you will also be kind to yourself.

Hey KathyCD.... we have been living the same life. Your story and mine are almost exact. I am the only surviving child. My father died with alzheimer's in 2018 and my only sibling brother died suddenly 3 months later. I have been mom's POA since my brother died and I live an hour and a half away. I handle everything long distance or get in the car and go down there. I don't have a full-time job but I do have full-time Parkinson's disease and the stress it was killing me. Until September 2019 mom who is 87, was still living independently. I hired caregivers to help give me peace of mind by keeping an eye on her. That didn't work out, since they wouldn't always show up on time and were very poor communicators I still got phone calls about everything she needed but wouldn't ask her CG for, to every tear she shed over my dad and brother. Not over the loss but over who was going to take care of her now? Hello... I'm still here doing everything for you! No thank yous, not that I expected them... but it would be nice to hear it occasionally. My husband, my daughter and son-in-law and I moved her into assisted living at the end of September. We didn't really give her a choice, we just did it. I struggled with the whole honoring your mother and father thing... and it was a tough one. I am finally came to the conclusion that honoring her did not mean that she had to live with me or that I had to be running back and forth the 180 mile round trip to pick up a gallon of milk or fix here TV that had lost the signal because pushes the wrong buttons. I Only needed to see that she was taken care of properly and that's what I'm doing. I still get the phone calls when she has a UTI at 3 a.m. in the morning... confused and why it is so dark at 3:00 in the afternoon. I have the pharmacy delivering all of her medicine weekly with a daily dosing container and the AL makes sure she takes them when needed. I still hear about how she doesn't like it there and she hates the food and why can't she cook in her room. She has a microwave in a mini fridge. My sister-in-law who was married to my deceased brother is in town and calls mom daily at least that's what I hear from Mom. As I said before I never needed a thank you or I appreciate it or how are you doing. But I do hear but how great is that my sister-in-law is there for her. If all I to do was make a phone call every night I would do it no problem, no worries, no trouble. Yes she gets all the kudos... And I get nothing. Again I don't expect it. I guess the point to all of this is at her age nothing is going to change. She is who she is and that's just how it is. She tells me that all the time. Well this is just who I am and this is how it's going to be. The woman goes to the doctor weekly for this or that because she's always not feeling well about something. That's nothing new, that's been going on for my whole life and she's been dying since she was 30. .. but I arrangement for her to be taken by someone from the facility to take and call the Doctor afterwards. I'm giving you permission do what you need to do to survive this with your brain intact your life intact and your happiness intact. If she can afford the assisted living and I understand not everyone can, let them take her that's what they're being paid for and you give yourself a fricking break about the whole thing. There are people on this site that will pop, poo anything you do up to you giving up your job and moving her into your house with you because that's what they did. Well good for them... but no two stories are exactly same and there's not just one right answer. Be compassionate to your mother, be confident in your choices and be kind to yourself. You are entitled to a life and happiness as well. Do what's right for you.

Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, and Happy New Year! I could write a book on how I've been treated by my mom and husband these past 4 months ( which seem like an eternity). Take care of yourself first. I know it's hard, but try not to let what they say or forget to say, hurt you. We all care for you.

Dealing with an elderly parent is much like a small child, and sometimes its tough love. They are in the care of a facility so it may be time to dial back the visits and have Mom call your sister next time she needs something as you are busy working FT. Its VERY hard to do but can start with taking a long time to respond to her phone calls as you are busy....nothing prepares us for the stress of elder care! Take time for yourself without guilt and Pray (: