I've been caring for my Dad who has Alzheimer's for 1 1/2 years while my Mom has been in Skilled Nursing... He finally relented and they moved to their new "apartment" in a AL/Memory Care place last week. I scrambled and had several friends help move their biggest bedroom items and over this last week have it all set up nicely, made sure they both had items they wanted in the small apartment they share and have been there daily with items my Mom keeps coming up with that she needs. After all of this, I have barely received a thank you, not even a hand written note for Christmas nor for my birthday which was on 12/27. I've been doing everything for them for all this time and my Sister and her husband who live a 2 hour drive away have only been to see them 3 days in the last year and a half came in to help move the big stuff and it was like the President came to visit. BTW I work full-time and am still the top sales person in a stressfull industry...they do side jobs when they can get them. My Mom keeps asking more and more from me and I want to help them transition but still keep what little sanity I have left!
When you can do that, you can also become YOUR best friend and advocate without expecting anything from Queen Sister and her consort.
Whether or not they’re actually too disabled to consider your feelings or not, they will eventually be, and allowing yourself to practice SELF ACKNOWLEDGEMENT will hopefully soon become second nature to you.
YOU are doing what needs to be done, and that is a sincere and generous gesture. Now do the same, in ways personal to you, for yourself.
You deserve to be proud of your work, and treat yourself accordingly.
With their ailments they aren’t likely to remember the niceties of saying or writing thanks - and yeah I get the President part - been there too. Sister wasn’t working - I was.
Can only suggest you have a schedule and stick to it - bar any emergencies. Literally work time / your time (out) and their time. Pin visit times up so they know when to expect you.
You’ve done the worse bit getting them and their possessions there. Now start as you feel able to continue - with set times and duration of visits.
Congrats on continuing to be the top top sales person despite all the stress!
Rant over.
Mom & Dad, please make a list of everything you need and I will be over ONCE A WEEK at thus-and-such-a-time on thus-and-such-a-day to deliver the items.
My mother has gotten to the point where she just 'can't be bothered' to make a list of what she needs. She doesn't get around to it. Then it's a crisis! OMG I am in DESPERATE NEED of face cream!!!! I'm in DESPERATE NEED of body lotion!!
If only they made face cream & body lotion in VATS I'd be all set. Sigh.
Anyway, that's the way to deal with crisis du jour your parents will invent. At YOUR convenience. Otherwise, plan to camp out in the hallway or on a cot in their room where you can be available 24/7, the way they'd like it!
Best of luck! :)
I was a caregiver of my good wife for 12 years, the last ten of which she was in a SNF....She was not demanding, yet I had to learn to stand my ground in a pleasant way when I felt her requests were occasionally unreasonable, and, on rare occasions, somewhat impatient.
First, I reckoned that her condition made it "natural" for her to behave as she did.
(paralyzed on one side, brain damage from stroke, unable to speak much, etc.)
So I vowed to not be impatient myself..She could not help it.
Second, I realized that I went to sit with her at breakfast and again at lunch every day...Being retired, I had no problem doing this...I hired ladies to sit with her her at the dinner hour daily. Enough is enough.
I could go on.
Your situation is different than mine, yet I believe the following steps should help.
Do not answer phone calls. Let the answering machine be your secretary. If mom or dad fusses about it next time you visit, tell them you will do better from now on..They will likely forget what you say. (Perhaps you could give the facility an alternate phone number to call if there is a true emergency.)
Limit your visits to what suits your needs. Reduce the frequency of your visits to your "peace-of-mind point." Again, when mom/dad fusses about wanting to see you more often, apologize and say you will do better, yet keep visiting on a frequency that suits you.
Finally, determine that you WILL NOT please mom/dad no matter what you do. Thus, you will not feel as though you must jump through hoops trying to please everyone....It is an impossibility so just rise above it and take satisfaction in all the things you are doing and have done.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Mom, you didn't mention why she was in NH? But you should set boundries now. They are safe and have people to care for them. Let those people do their job. Ur parents are paying for it. I never toileted Mom once she was in the AL. I told the aide when she needed changing. Mom was paying 5k a month and half of that was her care. They need to rely on the staff. If there is an emergency, the staff will notify you. Don't allow calls from Mom when ur working. Tell her personal calls are not allowed. If you are close enough to run an errand after work, you can call her to see if there is something they need. If not, as suggested, give Mom a white board to write down what she needs. If not an emergency, tell her u will pick them up ur next visit.
At my Moms AL they handled ALL medication this included OTC drugs. The Nurse had to have a doctor's order to give Tylenol. Mom had laundry and cleaning services. Take advantage of what they offer.
Encourage them to be as social as possible. Sit down in front of Mom and look her in the eyes. Tell her u can't be their everything. That she needs to rely on the staff to help. That you work a fulltime stressful job. There will be times you just need to come home and veg out. You also have other responsibilities. So, you can't be there all the time. Maybe u can set up a time at night to call them. Maybe u can only see them a couple of times a week. Yes, they are important to you but Mom needs to understand you have a working life. Tell her to call your sister if she feels the need to talk to someone. If sister complains, explain to her what u explain to Mom. I must work. Because of that, I only have so many hours in the day. I cannot be at Moms beck and call. And when sister visits, you stay home. Use that time for yourself.
It broke my heart about three years ago when my Mom no longer went nutty about my birthday. She just had deteriorated that much with the Disease; it wasn’t anything that could be fixed or corrected. In that same year, she also lost the ability to read or write. She was an English University Professor, and then by the end that year, she was in adult diapers and completely dependent on caregivers for everything.
I visited about once a week until the end, when I spent the last few weeks of her life at her bedside.
Please pace yourself with the visits, is what I’m trying to say. They will worsen over time, and there will be urgent calls from the facility over the next few years until they pass away. They are being well taken care of, so please permit yourself a break for a while! Best wishes to you, and Happy New Year!!
The move is a good step. May your parents adjust well.
Take time for yourself to recharge. And set some boundaries.
Pick a day or two to bring her things. Limit visits so you have time for yourself
All the best
Wooo. That's quite some adjustment for her to make. For over a year she's been waited on hand and foot, and had no caregiving to do. I'm sure she's glad to be back to "normal" as a couple, but is it possible that there is more to this than she bargained for?
If you look closely at the types of support included when you compare the NH and the ALF service specifications, what are the differences? She may be finding that the attitude of staff when she asks for help is different now, less "how high" and more "can't you manage that by yourself?" That would be correct, it enables her and encourages independence; but all the same it would take some getting used to.
I started dealing with my fears & slowly started getting stronger, but still with compassion. (my back history is mom being controlling & negative - high expectations of me - trying to control me - )
It was suggested to me by a friend in similar situation to NOT go over everyday -- it becomes expected... When mom went in to a seniors home, I had seen counselor enough that I was stronger & proud of how I was handling it all - even though ti was new to me (only child & dad dies years ago) I have my boundaries, I visit a couple times a week for anywhere from 1/2 hr to couple hrs & mom comes over every Sun. or other for dinner ( couple hrs.) I get her out every couple wks. for McDonalds, Drs., getting meds, bit of bumming around etc .. to get some fresh air b/c she doesn't get out unless i take her. I find she gets grumpy & bored ..I don't let her bring me down, I allow that to be HER negative energy. Getting outside freshens her mood up & lets me have some positive time with her.
I just allow her to be & don't take on the negativity anymore - counselling has been the best gift I gave to myself, my mom and everyone in my life ...
All the best to everyone here - here's to healthy boundaries !! ♥
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