Hey guys! I always saw this forum pop up as a result whenever I searched for advice. But I didn't read much besides a few discussions about mental health. I finally decided to pull the trigger and ask for support.
First things; my grandma (refer to as Sarah to make it easier) was diagnosed with ALS 2 years ago. She noticed her left arm became numb after taking the COVID vaccine. From then on, she lost function of both arms and legs. Now, I know Sarah well because I was raised by her. My grandmother loves me, but I know she has a horrible personality, which got worse as the ALS progressed. Sarah currently lives in an elderly apartment and refuses to move to hospice care. However, we do have a social worker/care givers if available but very rare/Medicare.
As I just entered college in the beginning 2 years, my grandfather passed away from dementia. He was a sweet man and knew his wife was temperamental. My parents went abroad for his funeral. So my older brother (21) and I (18) were left to take care of our grandma. I struggled immensely because I practically had to do everything alone. My mom told me that since I'm a woman, I'm in charge of showering and other bodily duties. Not only did I have to bike to college (30 minute commute), cook food (brother cooks dog food), go to my part-time job, take my advanced biology courses -- but I had to deal with my grandma's emotional outbursts. She would constantly go on 2+ hour rants to herself about how my mom and brother are "horrible people". Bringing up stuff from the past, whether or not it was accurate. I felt like a therapist and a mediator. Unfortunately, my role in my family has always been as such. I would say that I feel parentified ever since I was young. My mom always told me to "never marry a man like my father" and other topics I felt were not appropriate.
A list of the toxic things Sarah has done: call 911 several times, tell everyone that we abuse and starve her, using her (only available) foot to push cups of milk and water off the table constantly, berating everyone, accusing us of stealing her money, screaming at the care givers until they leave, being paranoid of everyone, accusing us of wanting her to die/poisoning her, etc...
After my parents came back from abroad -- I felt broken down. Now that I'm 19, I feel so pessimistic. It's affecting my dating life, my friendships, school, work. My friends can barely understand or support me. My boyfriend just wants my physical affection but I'm too tired and stressed. I had to quit my nice job due to harassment, but also because I would be constantly 5-10 minutes late to work because I had to care for Sarah (feeding her through G-tube and hauling her dead weight body to the toilet alone). Going to school feels impossible with my current schedule, but I am still taking online courses.
I know I need to get out because I've been starting to smoke a lot. Sleeping in. Eating less. I can feel that I'm constantly shifting between emotional outbursts and being numb.
It just feels horrible that I come home to no food. The family laundry is thrown on my bed everyday, so I just sleep on top of it because I'm too tired to fold it. My mom is crying every night and the house is a mess. My dad goes to work out of the city, and only comes back a few days a week (and not good at emotional support). My brother has work and school, rightfully busy.
I feel like I'm guilted into caring for Sarah. My mom will call me and say "The weather is nice, you should go biking. You should bike to help your grandma". It feels like my mom actively tries to trick me into going there. She even purposely promised me to go to the hospice tour appointment, that I set up. Then she purposely didn't go.
It's ruining the happy memories I had of Sarah as a child. I need help. I need to get out. I'm tired of gagging when taking off her diaper. It's not right for my grandma to tell me she wants to see me get married and become a doctor. It breaks my heart
Take care of yourself, and keep up the good work.
This will be behind you sooner than you think, and you can start on you.
Your going to do amazing things down the road!
Your grandmother needs to be in AL, right now. And let your mom know that when the time comes, you won't be wiping her butt either.
Your mother had a hell of a lot of nerve dumping granny onto the grandkids so that they could take off for a couple of weeks.
And I doubt an AL would accept her with a G-Tube
She would be better in Skilled Nursing.
ALS is a dibilitating disease. Lifespan is 5 years. Seems you and brother are doing most of physical labor. Why isn't Mom? You cannot concentrate on school if you are caring for GM. If you want to be a Dr, its going to be hard going.
I felt very lonely and isolated, even when going out and hanging with friends. Feeling like nobody my age knew how to comfort me or offer advice (understandably so).
This made me feel a lot better -- to know that there are people who get that care giving is difficult. And that I need my freedom and opportunity. It shouldn't be overshadowed by my grandma. Who seemingly desires to drag us all down with her.
Once again, thank you all.... much love ❤️. I know my grandma is terminal within the next 4-6 months. By then, I will come back with an update and to end my grieving and further thoughts on it.
My daughter in law was orphaned at 12, was sent to live with her much older brother and his wife and their kids . They treated my daughter in law like a servant , doing a lot , many farm animals , mowing , laundry , cleaning , cooking, as well as caring for their children . They wouldn’t even buy her clothes in high school despite receiving child support from her deceased mother’s social security .
In high school my daughter in law got a job babysitting for a couple who both worked night shift. She slept on their couch at night for money to buy clothes .
She got very depressed was bullied etc .
Then she was fearful of her brother’s friend who had groped her . She was a very good student at school . She says that is what saved her . She knew education was the way out of her situation . Her history teacher took a special interest and my daughter in law confided in her about being afraid to go to sleep at home for fear this friend would come over. The teacher and her husband took my daughter in law to live with them for her last year until she graduated . During that time my daughter in law worked part time to save money for an old car . The teacher taught her to drive and helped her with college applications .
She chose to go to school hours away from her brother . She packed all her belongings in her car and drove herself to campus. She then was essentially homeless . The college helped her . They gave her a part time job , they also arranged somewhere for her to live when the dorms were closed for the summer because she had nowhere to live . She has student loans .
In order to get help like this you would have to be independent and not take money from your parents. Talk to counselors at school , about financial aide and housing . See how they can help .
My family has a hard time understanding that I should have my own life. My mom keeps bringing up that in our culture, we are "supposed to help the elderly". I was scared because my mom used to talk about -- how my dad and my brother won't be there for her. That "she knows I'll take care of her and drive her everywhere when I'm older". I'm worried she'll use me as a care giver when she gets old. Which is saddening to say because I am only 19. I can't imagine my mom being... 70+ and needing me to care for her.
My mom sometimes listens to me chat about my life. But sometimes she also stares at her phone/TV and doesn't respond to me. So it's lonely sometimes
In general, my parents have already laid out the rest of my life for me. They want me to go into a specific career and job position. Make a lot of money. Give that money to buy them a vacation home or to fund their retirement. Then they'll leave the landlord duties to my brother and I -- and leave us in the US alone. Despite being the youngest sibling, I feel like I am expected to be the breadwinner.
My older brother is sweet. But he makes many mistakes. Someone who answered here was correct. My brother is treated better by relatives because he is a boy. They will gift him a BMW car, thousands of dollars, gifts. But they give me nothing, and instead criticize me. So it feels like a lot of pressure and I feel like I have to constantly prove myself to the world.
I love my family and admit they have their faults. They can still be very loving, but they can be suffocating. I live on a separate part of the house with my brother. My parents have cameras outside the house. And motion sensors inside the house. Rarely, they track my location.
I am currently getting my license, so that I can get a quick and nice job. Unfortunately my family has high standards about what kind of job I should have. They like jobs with a prestigious reputation. Despite the job economy being really funky at the moment. My grandma keeps trying to convince me to become her legal caretaker, which only pays $8/hour. I keep declining her request
I sometimes wonder if they truly mean good, or if they just want to keep me trapped. Plus, my uncle could've helped my mom with their own mother. But my uncle did his usual method-- run away from everything and pretend it isn't happening. He even abandoned my cousin (his son) in their home country.
I will contact the counselors to get support and advice
You can’t sort this out yourself. Even if you were older and more experienced, there is no magic wand waiting for anyone. Your priority needs to be yourself and your future life. Stop trying to do the impossible.
You are a student, and there should be some sort of student counseling service. Often they are involved in finding places for students to live. See if you can get yourself out of all this, for a year or three, while you set yourself up for a better life – for yourself, and for any future family of your own. There is no shame in giving up on problems that stem from the past.
Not the case, is it? You didn't cause your grandmother's ALS and you cannot fix it.
And throwing your own body on her funeral pyre will not help your grandmother, and it may well destroy your young life.
You are now at the age where you should get your own education.
That is your job.
Your grandmother has ALS. It is up to her and to your parents now to discuss the path forward, not for you.
It is time for you to sit your parents down and tell them that you cannot care for your grandmother. If you cannot do this readily then I suggest you move to another state to attend college if you're able. It is for you to resign your care; you are not responsible for those who raised you; they were responsible for YOU until you reached age of majority, and you are there now. Now you are responsible for those innocents you bring into this world until THEY reach age of majority. That is how all of this works. Tell your parents with love, but let them know this is not open for argument or discussion; tell your grandmother you appreciate all she has done for you, and you will honor her now by getting a good education, having your own family, and by dedicating yourself to the care of the family you choose to bring into this world.
You are grownup. Young, yes, but now you are responsible for one thing, and that is yourself. You must devote all your energy to a sound mind and body and to the education available to you as it will be your support for all your life.
I am terribly sorry, AnnieClaire, for your grandmother's illness. ALS is a dreadful disease. She has now a lot of decisions to make for her way forward, what heroic measures she wants and what she doesn't want, and what kind of care she can get into given her assets. If she has none, then the government will assist her through Medicaid. That is for her and your parents, or for her and a social worker or attorney to explore together. It has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
I have been dealing with a recent return of a diagnosis of cancer just recently. I am 81. My daughter lives in another state, is very close to retirement and being the most free she will ever be in her life. My grandson is 24 and on his own after his college years. It would SHATTER ME UTTERLY to think that either of them would give up their own lives to intervene in mine.
I will take care of myself; and others who are paid to give me care will care for me when I am unable. Anything else would the height of selfishness (and worthy of feeling "guilt" over.
I HAVE HAD MY LIFE. Now it is time for them to have THEIRS. And that is what I have taught them their entire lives.
If your parents and your grandmother expect you to drop your own life to prop up theirs then they are telling you who you are, and you better get on your running shoes fast .
All of this is my opinion only. You are now a grownup and will make your own decisions for your own life. The results of those choices will be what you reap out of the choices you make now. This is a time for strength on your part. I hope you make good choices.
Ask this person to help you make a plan to move out.
Then, go to your school’s job placement center and find any additional employment you may need to get, in order to be able to afford to move out.
Finally, go to your financial aid office and find additional ways of financing your education and room and board.
Keep weekly appts with these people, until you have accomplished the goal you need to get out of your home situation.
Best wishes to you.
BUT that being said, you under NO circumstances are responsible for her care in any way shape or form.
And you are now considered an adult so it's time to let your mother and father know that you will no longer be participating in your grandmothers care, as she is THEIR responsibility not yours.
And then you look into moving out sooner than later, and like already mentioned taking your brother with you, so you can concentrate on your studies and getting your life back on track.
You deserve so much better. I do hope that you realize that.
Grandma raised you , but you have a mother who parentified you ? What did or does Mom ever do ? Does Dad stay away because your mother doesn’t do much at home and she has a mental illness? A lot of dysfunction in this family. Get out , you are not responsible for this.
Also go to your college health center and ask about seeing a therapist, to help deal with all this.
I’m sorry you have had to deal with this .
Your brother should get out too. Maybe the two of you could share a place.
I really want to get out but I don't think I can afford a dorm. I live in Chicago and it's very expensive. My dad is the breadwinner and makes just enough for FAFSA to not cover a lot. My mom makes very little in income. I will try to see if I can figure out a way.
My mom did a good job caring for us when we were younger. My dad is a fun person, but he's emotionally unavailable and has high expectations. My parents don't argue, but their emotional differences are bad. I think they are not compatible. When my mom brings up issues with intimacy or finances, my dad will go silent or explode (if she pushes his buttons). My mom, on the other hand, is extremely emotional.
My brother tried to move out, but realized rent is too expensive and he was basically starving. So he came back. We both understand that we come from very complicated circumstances (including family issues and relatives).
I notice that if I put my foot down to not care for my grandma, my mom makes my brother do it. And if we are both not available, my grandma calls our phones about 30+ times every hour and leaving voice mails. Then my mom starts crying. My mom told me to do research for hospice homes because she is not fluent in English.
AND thank you again. I used to have a therapist but she wasn't very helpful. I am going to start again. I also got into 2 car accidents earlier this year on my bike (have video proof so I am successfully suing the other parties). So I am struggling with bills.
So I think I have a lot to work on in terms of finances. I need a new job desperately. My job used to pay $20/hr, but I was sexually harassed and then my managers did not like me. So I was placed on a PIP despite medical documentation from the social worker regarding my grandma.