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My step mom is making wrong choices for my dad with dementia, which would have a bad out come on him. Is there anything I can do stop it? Do I have any legal rights on my dad's well being?
LaBretta: My first question is going to be who has Power of Attorney? What decisions are being made that call for a change since you said they "would have a bad outcome?"
If dad's dementia has gotten to the point where he can't make decisions then the POA will be the one making decisions. If you feel that the POA is not making decisions that are in the best interest of your dad your only option is to file for Guardianship. Guardianship will overrule the POA. Guardianship is a court proceeding and you will have to be able to show that your step mom is not acting in the best interest of your dad.
If you are looking to file for Guardianship you will need to hire an elder law attorney.
I’m in the same situation, I’m following you... my mother filed a POA after I did, keep in mind she’d filed for divorce while she got the POA in Al... I’m currently trying to find a eldercare attorney to see if her POA is legal. My mother has eliminated me out of my father’s life. What she can’t come to terms with is we both have a common goal “my father’s health”.
you Know for sure she is Endangering the Welfare of a Vulnerable Elderly Adult, Contact Adult Protective Services to Do a Check and Begin a File Here. Other than that, She has the Authority, Unless you are Power of Attorney or his Guardian.
My late husband's two sons from his first marriage were furious when I refused a gastric feeding tube for their father, who had mild vascular dementia and had had a major stroke that left him unable to swallow, walk, or even read and watch TV because the stroke left him without central vision. However, we both had advance directives saying we didn't want gastric tube--we had watched my stepfather slowly go crazy when he was given one. My husband died in hospice peacefully after three weeks, I have no regrets, but my husband's family now have nothing to do with me. I would say that your father's wife is going through a difficult time, and if she is POA which is normal for a spouse even if there is no legal document, she is making the hard calls and I hope you will accept them.
What do you mean by wrong? What would you like to see done instead, whether by yourself or others? Your father's wellbeing is of concern not only to his wife, who is his next of kin, and you, as his child, but also to a host of other people, starting with his family, friends, neighbours, GP/PCP and healthcare team and reaching outwards to APS, the police and the courts.
So, there are *lots* of things that can be done to help if your father and stepmother are having difficulties. What sort of problem are you worried about at the moment?
I do not see detail as to how your dad is being harmed or what your step mother has done but if this is urgent you can attempt to gain Guardianship. This may be an involved process and you really should talk to an Eldercare Attorney to help you. If the decisions your Step Mom have mad endanger your father then there is a good chance that you could gain guardianship. This will necessitate going to court. Stating that your father is not competent. Possibly stating that your Step mom is either incompetent herself or abusive. (If she is doing things that are harmful to your father knowingly then that could be construed as abusive, if she is doing things that she is unaware are harmful that could mean she is not competent so this could get nasty! Particularly if you have step siblings) If he is in danger for your fathers safety you need to step in somehow.
Sorry you need to sit on the sideline and watch and get your self stressed and hurt your health. This stree will harm your health so bad that you will age fast and mess up your immune system. Take courage and confront the situation with some middle person and family members. Meet with your step mom and discuss about their care and how you can help them. Get the durable power of attorney signed. If not walk back and stay at a distance and not hurt your self. It is their destiny. Good luck.
It's hard to know, from your brief description, what to suggest or what the problems are.
What 'wrong choices' is she making? What 'bad outcome' do you anticipate?
It's fine to call or meet with his doctor, but be aware that the doctor can't tell you anything without the patient's permission, usually in writing, under the law. The fact that you're the patient's child does NOT automatically give you permission. In most states in the US, the official order of Next of Kin goes spouse first, then parents, then kids. So if you have a stepmother, you're NOT entitled to his medical info. That said, many doctors are open to a family meeting with the patient and next-of-kin giving their permission.
You CAN tell the doctor your concerns, you CAN tell the doctor what you observe about your dad's condition and what you fear about his future. And many doctors would be grateful for your input. But mostly all the doctor will be allowed to do is receive that info without comment.
Some questions to consider:
How long have they been married? How long have they lived together? Did he formally name her in an Advance Directive or Health-care Proxy?
How often do you see him? Do you live in the same area or are you living far away?
What choices is she making, and what would you prefer she do instead?
I have reflected on this for my own situation, and I think you’d be fine to call or meet with his doctor, just to ask how things are with him and what s/he thinks about his current treatment.
If you father is 81, with dementia, in nursing home, he should have multiple people who are observing him, like a doctor, nurse, NH staff, etc. Have any of them expressed any concern about his health care? If you don't agree with your stepmother, I might do some research to see if there are sound reasons for her choice. Like, does father have an Advanced Healthcare Directive, where he has stated how he wants decisions made regarding end of life decisions? Some people have requested Palliative Care at a certain point, where they don't want life saving measures, but, comfort care only. I'd explore why things may be a certain way, before coming to any conclusions about her decisions. They could be in line with medical advice and his wishes, before he got dementia.
If you are not yet in an adversarial situation with SM, you may at least have a chance to finesse recommendations in that may help to make your dad’s circumstances more acceptable to you. If SM thinks she has come up with some positive solutions that were actually suggested by you, dad benefits and nobody loses. Hard to do, I know, but maybe worth a try.
We are also in the position of watching the POA make decisions with which we disagree. We have found that the patient's safety is the overriding concern to the agencies that protect the rights of the elderly. That the patient could be more comfortable or more safe doesn't really factor into it. If the decisions made are not putting the patient In an unsafe position, there is not a lot we can do.
I assume that your stepmother was given the power to make financial and health decisions for your dad while he was legally competent and that he is no longer legally competent. If that is the case, you can try to get a court to appoint you as guardian. You would have to show that your stepmother's decisions were putting your dad in an unsafe position. It costs money to file for guardianship and there is no guarantee the court would choose you to make decisions going forward.
What we have done is keep in touch with the person who is making the decisions and offer as much support to them as we can. We take every opportunity to encourage him to make different decisions and have asked others in his life to do the same. It is an extremely difficult time for everyone concerned. My advice is to try to be supportive of his wife and try to influence her decisions as much as you can.
This is really hard. It's hard to be the one making the decisions. It's hard to watch from the sidelines with no power to help. It's hard on everyone.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If you are looking to file for Guardianship you will need to hire an elder law attorney.
What do you mean by wrong?
What would you like to see done instead, whether by yourself or others?
Your father's wellbeing is of concern not only to his wife, who is his next of kin, and you, as his child, but also to a host of other people, starting with his family, friends, neighbours, GP/PCP and healthcare team and reaching outwards to APS, the police and the courts.
So, there are *lots* of things that can be done to help if your father and stepmother are having difficulties. What sort of problem are you worried about at the moment?
This may be an involved process and you really should talk to an Eldercare Attorney to help you.
If the decisions your Step Mom have mad endanger your father then there is a good chance that you could gain guardianship.
This will necessitate going to court. Stating that your father is not competent. Possibly stating that your Step mom is either incompetent herself or abusive. (If she is doing things that are harmful to your father knowingly then that could be construed as abusive, if she is doing things that she is unaware are harmful that could mean she is not competent so this could get nasty! Particularly if you have step siblings)
If he is in danger for your fathers safety you need to step in somehow.
What 'wrong choices' is she making? What 'bad outcome' do you anticipate?
It's fine to call or meet with his doctor, but be aware that the doctor can't tell you anything without the patient's permission, usually in writing, under the law. The fact that you're the patient's child does NOT automatically give you permission. In most states in the US, the official order of Next of Kin goes spouse first, then parents, then kids. So if you have a stepmother, you're NOT entitled to his medical info. That said, many doctors are open to a family meeting with the patient and next-of-kin giving their permission.
You CAN tell the doctor your concerns, you CAN tell the doctor what you observe about your dad's condition and what you fear about his future. And many doctors would be grateful for your input. But mostly all the doctor will be allowed to do is receive that info without comment.
Some questions to consider:
How long have they been married? How long have they lived together? Did he formally name her in an Advance Directive or Health-care Proxy?
How often do you see him? Do you live in the same area or are you living far away?
What choices is she making, and what would you prefer she do instead?
If SM thinks she has come up with some positive solutions that were actually suggested by you, dad benefits and nobody loses.
Hard to do, I know, but maybe worth a try.
The job of POA is difficult, it is not a decision by majority rule. It is done usually by one person.
You do not have any legal responsibility or authority. You could file for guardianship which would be difficult to win.
Dad assigned step mom. That is his choice. Now see what you can do for dad and start by offering support to step mom.
I assume that your stepmother was given the power to make financial and health decisions for your dad while he was legally competent and that he is no longer legally competent. If that is the case, you can try to get a court to appoint you as guardian. You would have to show that your stepmother's decisions were putting your dad in an unsafe position. It costs money to file for guardianship and there is no guarantee the court would choose you to make decisions going forward.
What we have done is keep in touch with the person who is making the decisions and offer as much support to them as we can. We take every opportunity to encourage him to make different decisions and have asked others in his life to do the same. It is an extremely difficult time for everyone concerned. My advice is to try to be supportive of his wife and try to influence her decisions as much as you can.
This is really hard. It's hard to be the one making the decisions. It's hard to watch from the sidelines with no power to help. It's hard on everyone.