How can I stop 16 family members from visiting my 90 year old parent? I’ve explained that he is not able to tolerate noise and a lot of talking bc he lives alone. None of them understand and think it will be a great family reunion. Dad has said I can’t have that many in my house at once. They just don’t get it and say they are going and staying with him no matter what. What can I do?
Is dad able to talk to them himself and just say no?
You have told them that your father doesn’t want to have a house full of people. They aren’t doing anything for your father’s benefit. This behavior is for their own benefit. They should meet up at another location and visit with your dad. one or two people at a time
They should call you before hand. If they call your dad, he may be caught off guard and be embarrassed to say that it isn’t a ‘good time’ to visit. If they call you. You can check with your dad and he wouldn’t be uncomfortable telling you the truth as to how he feels about having company at that time.
I think the best suggestion I remember was the 'ring-leader' being called + emailed with clear boundaries of what the invitation was ie X amount of people, for X amount of time, byo all snacks. Also made clear were the consequences ie if more than X arrive, some will have to leave. Guests must leave on time & will be shown the door. If the 'ring-leader' accepted this *In Charge* role, they fully accepted the responsibility to enforce it also.
I wonder how that turned out?
If there is a natural strong personality (ring-leader / bossy boots) you have a winning deal! That person may relish being put in charge as crowd control.
Basically if your home - your rules (or Dad's home - Dad's rules apply).
If they don't like it *tough toenails*. They can party on somewhere else for their.grand reunion.
So sorry that your siblings are so far removed from dads life that they don't know he can't cope with a herd of people descending on his home.
I know we're not supposed to be judgemental but honestly there are just some people you want to give such a slap to, aren't there?
I know that you say that your dad has voiced his concerns to you about it, but have you then shared with the rest of your family what he said? If not, you need to do so, as it's dads house and he gets the final say.
I would give your family the option of either the park or the restaurant, and if they don't like it, then you must tell them that they cannot come. Good luck.
Dad setting his own boundaries may be a little too hard for him... Wish we could do it..
Which poster was it that advises "I said no. Maybe you didn't hear me? I said no".
I don't know how but whoever is in charge needs to be made to understand the seriousness of what they're planning. We're talking about real sensory overload for a man of 90 who is used to very little company - it would be the equivalent of strapping somebody to a chair under interrogation lights and turning the volume up to 11.
Use block capitals or whatever emphasis you like, they need to get it. THIS WILL NOT BE A LOVELY OCCASION FOR THE DEAR OLD BOY. THIS WILL BE HELL ON WHEELS. YOU WILL HURT HIM.
That they're prepared to do it in spite of his objections to me shows that they simply haven't grasped the reality of the issue. He is not being modest or self-effacing, he is dreading the whole idea. They must have their grand jolly reunion elsewhere and visit him briefly and in small, quiet groups.
Has HE told them no? Or do you have to be the one to do it? Would they listen to HIM?
Here's an idea -- if dad is vaxxed (and you, too), consider having him come stay with you during their time in town (that is, if they are still going to come). And if they come to your house and become abusive (knocking, banging on doors and won't give up), then call the police.
My final act would be to take your dad to an attorney and have him change his will to cut all of them out of it.
Some people are better to be out of one's life altogether.
Present a united front, together, you and dad, to your siblings and put your feet down HARD. If they wind up coming anyway, don't answer the front door when they knock. Tell them, from the window, that you thought you made yourselves perfectly clear when you told them over the phone that they could NOT COME to dad's house for a visit.
No is a complete sentence. It's high time they understand the meaning of it.
Even after moms stroke it took time for her to have more people in with her and we had to work our way up to a few but that is far too many. I can feel how anxious he is already and feel awful for Him and you. I am hoping there is a way that the doctor can help and guide you - even a social worker (maybe the dr can put in a request). Praying for a good resolution for you all.
Well, they wanted to do it again but this time brother put his foot down and said NO. If they came, they would have to find other accomodations. Why? Because Moms septic system could not take that many people. And it was true not an excuse.
I don't see why your family thinks they can bombard a 90 yr old. The elderly do not enjoy this type of thing. A suggestion would be to let Dad stay with you and take him over to visit. When he has had enough, he can call you to pick him up.
I hope these people realize they are on their own. Dad nor you will be doing the cooking. So, they will need to feed and prepare meals themselves. They should leave Dads house clean. Dad can't do it and its not your job. Make it hard for them, not easy. Maybe it will deter them from doing it again.
Thanks for your response to my posting.
I truly do feel as if their interests in your dad is really about themselves. If they were sincere about your father’s interests, they certainly wouldn’t want to impose on him. They would also apologize for their behavior. Your dad doesn’t owe them any accommodations. .
Your dad should be able to feel as if his home is his safe haven. Could it be that they wish to take advantage of your dad because they don’t see the need to pay for a hotel room? If a person can’t afford to pay for a hotel they should stay home. Even worse, are people who have plenty of money and are cheap and don’t care if they are an imposition on others.
No matter what the situation is, they shouldn’t be putting your dad on the spot like they are. Everyone has annoying relatives. I am sorry that your relatives are so insensitive.
Wishing you and your dad all the best.
I think I’d put together an email since there are so many of them and state very clearly that your dad will not be receiving visitors at home. End the email with something like, “This decision is based solely out of concern for my dad’s wellbeing and his peace of mind. It is also his request. I’m sure you want to show him the same respect and not shake him up with a visit he is unable to deal with.”
You may choose to pretend nobody is home and have the blinds drawn and then not answer the phone. You may make the hand gesture that seems most appropriate from behind the front window. You may post a nice note on the door saying you'll be meeting them at X park or Y restaurant at Z time, or if you don't feel like entertaining people who can't apparently listen or think then don't. You have the right to call the police to have them moved along if they're causing a public nuisance on the porch.
So my advise is grab your daddy and head out of town the weekend they are coming. Don't tell them. Just do it. Sending you strength to combat those idiots.
Didn't visit when able to (unthinking) but "oh look at me I'm the most caring loving person to visit the sick" (ego booster) but then turns up against other people's wishes (selfish +++).
I had this before when recovering. I said no to in-person visitors (txt updates were sent). Relative says But I HAVE to come I HAVE to see you are OK. I explained very nicely - no. She appeals to her flying monkeys.. they all join in "you'll hurt her feelings.. she needs to come... she worries...".
Why do these people think THEIR wish to visit overrules the actual patient's wishes???
Said No on phone (ignored), put No Visitor sign on door (ignored). Door bell rings (we ignored) then knocking on & on. DH made an excellent doorman. We saw the true colours that day - colour *narcissist*.
Why not recommend a hotel that you could rent meeting room? Cater a lunch and everyone can spread out to eat and visit. They get to see dad and he can go to room and lay down or seclude if all the people become too overwhelming. Just tell them this arrangement will be easier for him than to be closed up in a house with 16-18 -20 people. I mean, does he have a house big enough to sleep that many people?? If they really go through with it, I'd be there to remove him from the big gathering and put him in his room w/door closed for privacy. Get his room set up so he can watch tv, read or whatever he usually does in the living room. If he won't tell them no - not much you can do about it...EXCEPT...for the covid precautions. I would demand those if you are the caretaker. He doesn't need to catch it and you don't either. Ask all of them who will be stepping up to see him ALL the way through an illness like that if they happen to bring it with them.
I'm so fed up with people who act like Grandma and Grandpa are the way they always were, and if they aren't, they'll just perk up once they're blessed with a visit from the clueless ones.
The fact that they're willing to risk killing him is beyond the pale.
If you lay down the law in no uncertain terms and still think you'll be ignored, I suggest you get Dad out of the house before the pests intend to descend upon him and take him to your house for a short time. What they're proposing is tantamount to attempted murder as far as I'm concerned.
Option 2: Work with them so dad has his getaway space while they’re visiting.
You're presenting a scenario that feels like there’s another side to this story.
Why do all 16 want to come at once? Are they afraid this will be their last time? Is there a history of family reunions? Do they have plans to keep the commotion down? It’s not like most houses accommodate 16 guests, so are they planning to stay in a hotel and visit dad in small hellos)?
Mostly, why are 16 family members willing to defy and upset dad … unless he never told them no.