My mother is 96. She had a stroke 4+ years ago which she recovered remarkably from. It did affect her and she lost her driving privileges, but you would not realize she had a stroke. After 2 more years in independent living, she had a fall and has been in assisted living since. This is not a Medicaid facility. We pay fully for her to be there. She has hated it from the get-go. She is always telling me how the food is not good, the attendants are not nice to her, they give her meds she doesn't need (and she often refuses them anyway). Oh, and they steal all her stuff (which I usually find hidden in her room). I visit often, know the personnel on first name basis (it's a small facility) so am fairly certain that she is not being mistreated. I'm told that mostly she refuses help when offered and will not call when she actually needs it then tells me that no one helps her there. My husband and I left our home of 25 years (which was 1500 miles away) 20 years ago to come back and help with my parents. My dad passed in 2011. Since that time, I have taken care of her home (while and after she was living in it. Mowing, maintenance, renting, etc.). I have gone through many hospital/rebab/back to assisted transitions (all during COVID and I have severe hearing loss and lip read mostly -- it has been a nightmare dealing with all the various facilities and transitions with masks). I have taken her to every doctor's appointment and anything else she wanted in these last 9 years.
She is difficult. As a younger person, I always knew she would be. She has far exceeded my expectations! She is insulted if you suggest that any condition might have to do with her advanced age. Everything is someone else's fault. She soils herself . . . it's because they gave her that med, or they served a food that caused it. She refuses to use full on (diaper type) protection and then gets upset because she makes a mess. She will not call for help at the facility, but she will call me and tell me she needs help and I need to come over there (20 miles away). I call the facility and ask someone to check on her. I am pretty good about saying no to that. I wait a day or so. At her request, I do all of her personal laundry. Sometimes she calls my phone repeatedly or at all hours. One particular day, she called over 25 times leaving sobbing, and nasty messages about how we are treating her. Giving her some antidepressant meds helps this behavior but it resurfaces fast when she refuses to take her meds. Every bad day she has is 'the worst day of her life'. On one hand, she tells me I do so much for her and she doesn't know what she would do without me. Then will complain that I am not driving her (80-100 total miles) to her old doctor because she doesn't like the PA who comes to the facility. I take her out for dental, wound care and eye care, occasional lunches and we spend holidays with her. It is an exhausting adventure. She can barely get up and down by herself. Getting her into and out of the car and in to an appointment is slow and difficult. It completely drains me of all energy. I am tired. I want to be done. I am 69. I am not a spring chic any more.
And yes, I have one sibling (6 years older) who does not live here. My SIL has ALZ so he has a full plate himself. They actually live near their daughter so she can help them.
I guess, I just need to vent. This has gone on for so long.
You can’t make her happy or make her show appreciation. Or she may be the sort to take her issues out on others, to make them feel crappy too. If she’s been this way her whole life, she won’t change. The guilt is HERS to bear. Not yours. Maybe she’ll let up on the guilt tripping when she realizes you aren’t taking the bait anymore.
"Thank you for responding.
I think I misled you all. We are paying for her care with HER money.
The money is not the issue. It’s the emotional (and sometimes physical) toll of trying to deal with someone who is never happy and it’s gone on for so long. (There is a reason I had been living 1500 miles away for 25 years!).
And, I am learning to not let her push my guilt buttons, but it’s a work in progress."
Perhaps it would work out better if you move her to a facility near your home to give you a break from the commute.
Please give yourself permission to turn off your phone.
Please sell her home to pay for her care and free your funds up for a few vacations. Make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney about getting her qualified for Medicaid after the spend down process: then she can provide for herself.
Take back your life before it's too late.
Some people will NEVER be satisfied with ANYTHING unless they are waited on hand and foot 24/7 by the child of their choice. This is manipulative and literally impossible. My mom gets the best care I can manage and it sounds like so does yours! You’re doing a great job…
Good luck!
PS Now I can’t stop joking about offering teaspoons of this and that to people hahaha
Is it the food?
Is it the soup?
No.
Is it ever the food/other issue?
Or a manoeuver to be looked after by you.
Is it ever just ONE small teaspoon???
I can imagine and have also experienced some of what you’re going through. While reading your story I began to feel your grief and tiredness as well… wheww( smiles). So venting is fine😊
God bless you for giving it your best!
As I said before “ it is not easy parenting our parents.” If I had known the future beforehand I would have chosen a different chore ( smiles). But we live and learn and pass info on to our children and hope and pray we don’t become “our parents.”
Reminds me of me telling my 2nd child when you have children I hope they are just like you
( and I mean it literally and figuratively) he is my arrogant, egotistical Angel) seems odd to put all those words in one sentence lol but he has good heart.. just have to dig deep to find it!
You’re going through a lot and I see you’ve pretty much grown “ thick skin” and it’s a blessing your mom is in a place that you feel comfortable with.
I usually say when we count our blessings ( the good stuff) it makes the ( bad stuff) seem so small❤️
Wishing you peace and serenity!!
I'm sorry your mom doesn't realize what a gem she has in you. A little gratitude would improve her life so much. I truly think there's a special place in heaven for those who take care of their loved ones with so little appreciation from them.
He left a PCP because he would not look at him when he talked. Told him 2x he couldn't hear him.
It is hard to get away from that inbred Southern daughter persona, however, and hearing all my life that you have kids so you have someone to take care of you when you get old (yes, my dad literally said that). So, I know that this is largely what drives my mother’s unhappiness. She never expected to be placed in a ‘facility’. Since she has the money to pay for her care and since I (nor my brother) feel we could tolerate her living with us, this is where we are at.
Your responses have helped me to feel better about the decisions we’ve made and I need to keep working on standing up to her. Thank you all for the validation and encouragement.
They all complain about the food, keep in mind with dementia their taste buds change, my step-mother claims everything is too salty, even pickles, they all want to go home.
Time to put on your big girl panties and say no, it is a complete sentence. She gives you little thanks because she knows it will keep you doing what she wants, she gets it, you do not seem to.
Do what you need to do to regain your life, good luck!
I understand your hearing problem. My husband is almost deaf. He too can read lips. I am his years. Problem with my husband is he doesn't always make people aware. I have had to ask people to lower their masks to he can read their lips. I have a problem making out what they say especially when u get a mumbler. I wish service people were taught to look at people in the eyes and talk distinctive and clearly.
It's always best to cut it off at the start and to call their bluff. You are doing quite enough for her at this stage in her life and if she doesn't appreciate it, that's on her not you. But I MUST say that you should NOT be paying for any of her care. If she doesn't have the money then she needs to go on Medicaid. What's going to happen when you're needing your hard earned money for your own care?
Stop letting her walk all over you, and when she calls you a lot, let her calls go to voicemail and then delete without listening to them if they upset you. The facility will call you if there is a legitimate problem. Also when she starts talking negatively, just get up and walk out and tell her when she can be more positive you will come back, but until then adios!
It might be time for the facility to set up her rides to her doctors appointments and such so you can have more time to yourself and with your immediate family. Or you can just set up her appointments online for her, at least the ones you can.
Stop being her scapegoat, and start living and enjoying your life the way you see fit.
I think I misled you all. We are paying for her care with HER money.
The money is not the issue. It’s the emotional (and sometimes physical) toll of trying to deal with someone who is never happy and it’s gone on for so long. (There is a reason I had been living 1500 miles away for 25 years!).
And, I am learning to not let her push my guilt buttons, but it’s a work in progress.
It's time to tell mother, in so many words, to Sit Down And Shut Up now. Your life matters too but women like this never take that fact into consideration because they're too self absorbed to see past the tip of their own nose. It's okay to say NO. It's okay to tell her to use the PA at the ALF even if she hates her. It's okay to take care of YOU now. It really is. And that includes cutting her off the financial tit if you're paying her way in AL as well.
You can do this. Make it happen. Mother will be fine wherever she winds up. You've done enough and you're a good daughter. Just know that because I'm sure you haven't heard those words come out of HER mouth.
Best of luck.