My mom recently lost her husband. I feel horrible when I think of her alone in her house. She is scared to be alone. She has a big house and I feel so bad for her. I have her come and spend the night at my house several nights a week. I can't stand the thought of her being alone. I really love her a lot. She recently asked if she could move in with me and we would buy a new house. I am married but I am not sure my husband is okay with it, he seems a little hesitant. Does anyone have experience with this? If so, your feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
How old is mom? What are her ailments, cognitive status, financial situation?
She is "scared"? Is that anxiety, legitimate worry because she lives in a crime-ridden area, or problems with knowing how to contact someone in an emergency?
Has she had a "needs assessment", either ordered by her doc or gotten from the local Area Agency on Aging? Is her hygiene, eating, housekeeping okay? What things does she need help with?
"Swooping" describes what many folks do here when their elder parent's situation changes. Many, if not most, regret making a decision without looking into the alternatives and doing a deep dive on the finanacials.
Living in Florida, there is a TON of options for senior living for your mom. Get her set up in an Independent Living apartment where she can have lots of activities and other people to mingle and socialize with on a daily basis, that's her best bet. Depending on YOU for her entertainment is a bad idea; widows need a lot more stimulation than they'd get living with a married couple only. When my parents lived in Florida, they had a wonderful time with parties and card games with their neighbors all the time. There is no reason on God's green earth why your mother 'needs' to live with you and not on her own in a social environment. Even if you made a mistake on your profile and she's NOT 53 but 73, the same math applies. Allowing her to become dependent on YOU as a young senior is a mistake. Just b/c she lost her husband does not mean her life is over; allow her to create a NEW life in a senior complex where she can wind up meeting someone new to love! Even if she doesn't, she can still create a rich life by making new friends and having fun. That won't be possible living with you and your husband.
If you decide to go ahead and have mom move in with you, MAKE SURE your husband is 100% on board with it beforehand. You sure don't want to compromise your marriage for your mother!
Good luck!
She can always sell her big home and move into something smaller. She's a grown women and will now have to figure things out for herself and on her own. She is NOT your responsibility.
I lost my husband in Sept. 2020, and this is the first time that I've lived on my own ever. But I will tell you, I am enjoying every minute of it, as I can now do what I want, if I want and when I want. Your mother just may find out in time that she actually enjoys living on her own too, so please don't rush into any hasty decisions. Having a parent living with you will put a huge strain on your marriage, and children, and they deserve to be your number one priority, not your mother.
Give your mother time to grieve and get on with her life. She will be ok, I promise.
If her existing neighborhood has deteriorated or is too isolated, and she is afraid of living there - the solution is to sell the big house and move to another location.
Many women alone feel safer in smaller condos, apartments, etc. Less windows to worry about someone breaking into. More neighbors to meet & have watch over you. Less isolation.
A chance for a new start in a different location.
Hopefully, she can find a nice, smaller place within commuting distance to her employment also, as that is a major factor.
Condo's are very nice for women alone. The amenties like a pool, and clubhouse are a plus and will allow a built in opportunity to socialize and make new friends.
You may think having her move in will be helping her. But it really isn't. You'll be crippling her. You will become her world from here on out. Do you really want her to emotionally retire at 53? She will not want to leave later on. This won't be temporary. She will need you more and more since you will be her everything. Now that the husband is gone, she wants the anchoring and companionship he gave. Which is understandable, but you can't fill that void for her.
If your husband is hesitant, then moving her in is not an option. Does he want to share a house with his Mom-in-Law for the next 40 years? My guess is no. When you got married, your own family took precedence. Don't sacrifice your marriage.
Would taking her in make YOU feel better? Probably. But it won't be helping Mom.
She is far to young to give up on life.
Your husband gets majority vote, your mom doesn't get one. He is hesitant because he knows this is a completely insane idea. It's his home and you shouldn't force this on him, unless you want it to be you and your mommy, 2 single gals living together, because he will walk if you don't honor him, as he should.
Yes, it's sad to see her struggle but, you don't give up your life so she doesn't have to face her new reality.
That's a hard NO from me. Do not do this. If her loss is very recent (within the last six weeks), spend time with her including some overnights if it's sensible, and call in support from as many family members and friends as you can think of. But do not encourage her to depend on you, because you will disable her; and do not allow her to make irrevocable decisions during this crisis. It's the wrong time.
That first year is the toughest...they say whoever "they" is to wait a year before making any major changes after a death. When my dad died it was hard time for my Mother who is a strong woman. They married young and lasted 37 years. We were grown when dad passed. Kept Mom busy--Waterville Valley in NH, cookouts, planned a trip to Ireland, theater tickets you name it. Always had Mom in the car. Fortunately Mom attended daily mass and we had roots planted in the neighborhood. After (2) years passed Mom decided to sell the house and downsize to an apartment and spend some time in the winter visiting one of my brother's.
Usually the financial picture changes after a spouse passes especially so if the man is the breadwinner.
In all honesty I was the last one of (4) children at home with Mom. I was afraid at night too. It was a big house but the neighborhood had changed and one night the shower curtain fell in the bathroom. I literally jumped to my feet in 2-seconds flat as I thought someone had broken in.
I always had my brothers' and dad for protection. After my brothers' married and sister and Nana passed who lived in the in-law apartment attached to our house it was an end of an era.
Basically you have to decide, is it safe for your mother and can she sleep alone in a house at the present moment. It's sounds as if she doesn't like it. Maybe you could set up a spare bedroom and/or pull out couch until she is "absolutely" sure she wants to sell the house. Sound like she is still raw from this. You don't want to make too many changes at once. You have get used the idea of the loved one not being around, then you have to be able to think straight. Things happen gradually.
Also, I never thought in a million years I would said this the divorce rate is so high today even long-term marriages that I would secure everyone's spot if someone backs out. How does it work if you Mom sells her house, puts her $$$
into another house and something turns up? A lawyer needs to be consulted.
No one loved their house more than I did. When we moved to an apartment everyone had a story--death, divorce, etc. We were all in the same boat but yet we never looked back and I must say we had some new memories even though at that time I never thought I would get over things and be happy again but after time, one day I put my feet on the floor and noticed my joy had returned. Life did go on in a good sense.
You could start gradually cleaning out and look around so by the time you are ready for the move it will be a process. Bereavement is tough, we all cried a lot and looking back it's amazing you're still left standing but we will all meet again where the roads are paved in gold. Amen!