Mama's demanding attitude had been getting gradually worse and her hallucinations were increasing. This was taking a toll on my sister's health which isn't good to begin with. I couldn't take mom because my husband is battling leukemia. Mom was doing okay at first, but started getting very angry and thought people were planning on killing her. On her 10th day she got violent with staff, tried to break windows, physically hurt people and property. She's only 4 foot 9 inches tall weighing about 95 lbs, but could really pack a punch. She was transported to emergency where my sister and I sat with her until tests could rule out if she had an underlying illness. The whole four hours all we heard was people were trying to kidnap her so they could kill her. She's in a very nice, clean, caring facility. Her room is all set up with her things and we have stocked her little kitchen with snacks, fruit and beverage's. We see her almost everyday, but her hallucinations are making her paranoid. My deceased father and step father apparently visit her frequently but she feels they steal her money. Today as I left she kissed me and said she loved me, but as I was pushing the key code to leave she yelled down the hall asking what numbers I pushed. Next thing I knew she was running with her walker for me to hold the door. I let it close and told her I loved her and would be back. She was very angry and her expression told me she was going to be a handful with the staff. When I called asking if she could have one of the pills prescribed, one of the staff had already requested it. Mama has always been a force to be reckoned with, but she also has a loving tender side. I'm so sad. We love our mom. The only good thing about mama going into memory care is that my sweet wonderful sister can take back her life, her health and be happy again. We're not spring chicken's ourselves. It's just incredibly sad and depressing. My sister and I pray a lot. Will she adjust or will her hallucinations get worse?
It is now time to allow her to adjust to her circumstances and to being cared for by the staff there.
You and your sister are needed by others beside your mother and you both need to be taking good care of yourself. Focus your energies there.
Very likely seeing her so often is not in HER best interests right now.
What she says, the faces she makes, the outbursts towards others, NONE of these should be listened to. Her brain is deteriorating, very sad, but not in your control or ability to fix, in fact wasting your valuable time, so STOP TRYING.
MANY (perhaps MOST) of the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing are feelings most of us here have shared.
There are MANY GOOD REASONS for placing someone into a good memory care unit. You did your homework and made the best decision available FOR ALL OF YOU.
I remember how happy I was when my LO, also in a fine MC, began to enjoy her life and the people who were caring for her. That WILL happen for your mother too.
Be patient, and take good care of yourselves, and don’t EVER consider bringing her “home”.
Her home is where she is living now.
Like Ann said, give mom time to adjust to her new surroundings, and time for the calming meds (if that's what was prescribed) to set in and help her relax. Perhaps stay away for a little while to give yourself a break, and to allow mom to settle in. I always got a knot in my stomach when it was time to visit mom (she passed away at 95 in February) because I never knew WHAT to expect when DH & I got there. Sometimes she was fiercely angry, while other times she was super confused and out of it. Yet other times she was smiling & happy to see us. The nature of dementia is like that: you never know WHAT you'll find on any given day. The one thing that's constant, though, is the sadness we all feel watching the dementia consume our mothers and leaving a shell of a person in her place.
I don't regret having mom in Memory Care for one single moment; it was the best decision for her b/c she got a great level of care from caregivers who truly loved her and bent over backwards to ensure she got a lot of attention. She also was involved in all the activities, which hopefully your mom will be too, once she feels more acclimated to the home and the staff. Speak to the activities director and make sure she urges your mom to get out of her room & socialized with the other residents; that can make a HUGE difference to how quickly she adjusts to life there. In mom's MC, the staff would come in and dress her by 9:30 am every morning, get her up and washed up, etc,. and then into her wheelchair & out into the activity room for the day. They didn't allow the residents to languish in their rooms all day, which was good.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (which is a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with this new & difficult situation. Be sure to stay in contact with the staff at the MC and with mom's doctor to make sure her meds are working and/or to see that they're changed or increased as needed to insure that she stays calm. That's the key to managing dementia: to keep them CALM.