My mother is moving into an assisted living facility here to be closer to me. Just wondering what any of you have done/do for some sanity and boundaries?

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My mother is moving into an assisted living facility here to be closer to me. Just wondering what any of you have done/do for some sanity and boundaries?

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This is purposeful on my end because she is worsening (has Parkinson's) and needs to be closer to a family member. Long before PD, she was a needier parent. Now it's doubled and I want to be helpful but at the same time not lose my mind. She relies on me for everything, even while she's in assisted living.

Assisted Living Burnout Relationships

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When my mom first moved to Independent Living, she called us all the time for burned out light bulbs, ants in her kitchen and stuff like that.

We told her "mom, you have staff; tell THEM".

She still wanted us to come. We said "no, not doing that stuff anymore. You have people to do that. We are your kids. We come to visit, not to do work".

This is called "setting boundaries".

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Yes, I need to be better at that, for sure. She will call me and say "Could you call the desk (at her current AL) and tell them I need 'such and such'"?.. Part of her problem is she isn't patient, when she wants help she wants it immediately and doesn't care that every single AL place is understaffed right now.

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A big part of my mother's early MCI was she suddenly wanted everything now. Once she was content to walk across the street to my house and talk over lunch or supper after my work from home day was done. Then she needed to vent about my dad (who had vascular dementia and she was primary caregiver) during my working hours. I first looked at the lost perspective as a symptom of Dad's worsing condition and her stress taking care of him but I now see it as when her mild cognitive decline began.

Parkinson's disease also has cognitive decline; maybe your mom is showing this as one of her early symptoms?

As difficult as I found it, I encouraged my mother to come to my house at any time BUT I asked her if it was something that needed my attention right now (usually wasn't), poured her a glass of tea, pointed out the fruit bowl, told her I would be with her in a few minutes and went back to work in my office. By the time I could take a break she was usually calmed down. It was like being in my home and seeing me work through the office's french doors was comforting.

Maybe you could let some of her calls go to a comforting voice mail? I know some vm systems will let you use a specialized greeting for a given caller.

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Yes that's also a good idea. I will look into the specialized greeting (if it's possible on my iPhone?). My mother definitely has cognitive decline. Quite a bit actually :(. So while I know it's because of this that she can't 'wait' or seems like a child at times, it's hard. I am a really patient person--but there are just days when I feel less patient. Most of our conversations are her complaining nonstop. Or telling me she needs a "mom" for herself.

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When she calls and asks you to call the desk, say no Mom you need to call the desk or better yet, take a walk there.

The whole reason for Mom to be in an AL is for her to rely on someone else. Thats what she is paying for. Don't answer the phone. The desk will call u if any emergencies.

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Pick a day that you’re best available and let the requests pile up for then. And don’t feel you have to answer every call, the ALF will certainly let you know if anything urgent is happening

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My parents did this with their parents: 1 day a week. Then later to 1.5 or 2.

Other relatives make it clear 1 day was their limit. Phone calls may be extra for emotional support or not - up to you.

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When she says "Jump" don't scream "How High, How High". She has you trained to react and handle everything for her. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Old people, have no patience, they want what they want when they want it, you have taught her how to treat you, time to change the script.

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MeDolly,

I wish I could like this post a hundred times.

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MeDolly in the comments says it best. She has you trained to react and handle everything for her. Stop doing this. It's time for you to set the terms of what your caregiving is going to look like.
Do not take all of her calls. Do not go running every time she demands something. Schedule phone time when you will talk to her and time you will spend with her then let that be it.

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Hi there! Yes, this is so frustrating! I truly think that as people get older, they start to regress and become more like children. They want everything right now and don't care (or even stop to think) about how difficult it might be to drop everything on a dime or how much time their loved ones are spending taking care of them. My MIL was a great example. She would call when she wanted her lawn mowed or something stopped working - and it had to be right away. When she stopped calling every day and husband had to call her to check on her was when we knew she was in trouble health-wise. Set what boundaries you can and hopefully these staffing shortages will ease up a little.

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UPDATE**
She's been in her new place less than 24 hours. I went there last night and we helped her, then this morning I spent two hours and she looked at me like I was awful when I was about to leave. I spent an hour more. By then she was acting like she was too stressed/overwhelmed (Keep in mind ALL OF HER THINGS are unpacked and she has nothing she has to do but rest or eat). She ordered breakfast (couldn't stand the thought of having to push her walker to breakfast). I wheeled her in a wheelchair to lunch, where she talked to two lovely women. But my mother always acts like she would rather lie down and after a while I start to lose empathy. I am sometimes at the point where I could just cry because she drains my energy. Onward I go, after this week I will not be going there more than twice if I can manage it.

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First, I don't know if you have kids, but think of this as something like dealing with a toddler going to daycare. That's where we are. Mentally, your mom is regressing to a more selfish stage because she is depending on more people to help her. She cannot do the things she used to be able to do, and she may know this in some way, but in others her sense of time, filters, and other social skills are starting to fade.

So you need to recognize that she is safe, she can do certain things, and when she needs help the staff are there to assist her. She will have to learn how to ask, the rhythm of the days, and the routine of the facility. In time, she will find a certain security in that. With that security will come a sense of peace and she may start to make new friends with the people there.

You are not betraying your mother by leaving when you need to. You are ensuring she is safe, and cared for, but also giving her just enough space and independence that is respectful to her. If your mother is being rude to the other women, let her. She will find her own friends. Don't take her behavior as a personal slight to you. Remember your role only extends as far as you allow it, you are not her parent, caregiver, spouse, sister, best friend. You are her child, but you are also an adult too and deserve to be respected and treated as one.

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Give your mother some time and space to adjust.

She won't get into the swing of things if you're always there. Would it feel okay to you to call in 2 days to see how she's getting on and then visiting next week once?

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Don't visit her every day, she needs time to adjust. That is one of the biggest mistakes a care giver can make.

This is her new home, let the staff assimilate her, pampering her is not the answer.

If there is an emergency the facility will call you.

Back off, she will figure it out.

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If you are not the HCPOA and have any disharmony in your family it is going to be hell at AL. Unless you can be involved in care decisions you will simply be used for everything she can get out of you. Such has been my life since she was dropped off in my community.

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My mother is also moving into a nearby AL. This is after she has lived next door (since 1987) and more recently in my home. My husband and I have been taking care of her at varying levels since my dad died in 2015. It has been about 6 weeks since she moved in with us because of falls. My sister and brother in law stayed with her for 2+ months because her arm was broken from a fall and I was still working full time. I am currently on my second leave of absence from my job to care for her. She has certainly gotten used to having someone there to help with everything she needs. The AL intake assessment put her at a level 2. She will have limited assistance, but will be reassessed in 30 days. My sister and I are both afraid she will be bumped to level 3. I worry that she will call me constantly. She wants me to come into the facility to bathe her! I do not want to do that. I have been doing that since she broke her arm, and did so when she broke her other arm! My hope is that she will find some social activities, but she has already made negative comments about that.
I know I shouldn’t be, but I am also concerned about people being judgmental about her going into AL. She tends to act very “together” when around other people, and very needy around us. It was her decision to go. We did not make her. But I know she never wanted to . A cousin was visiting and just seemed shocked that she was going to AL. She said to me, “I’ll take her, she can live with me”. I said, “Ok, you can take her”. She laughed, but I felt a little judgement, as if I was forcing my mother to go. I explained about the falls and the issues with her 02, her various health issues. She agreed, but still seemed troubled.
No one truly knows what caregiving for a parent is like till they do it themselves.
Has anyone had a parent try AL only to demand to return “home”? This is my fear.

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I have heard that some people can demand to go home. Actually my mother acted like she couldn't stay there (first AL place she went to in NY) but we kept saying, "You need to give it time and you need help and this is where you'll get it".. you have to be firm..It's hard.. we can't all lose our sanity and or mental health and physical health to care for our parents. Life is not simple as it is, and there are reasons places exist to help care for our parents!

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Stand up and leave. Take a couple of days off.

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I'm only going daily because it's the first week. Today I'm going to write two days on the calendar for next week and show her-- here is when I'm coming.

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if you start the pattern of doing more than you can , it will be expected

when I moved my mom , I went once a week sometimes 2, I called every other day..if she was in distress she called me…
I now visit twice a week , she has declined.

I can’t visit daily. It’s just too much ..
Truth, my mom can’t use the phone now, I’m relieved…

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My mother also has mobility issues. She is now having them wheel her to meals in her wheelchair and not using her walker as much. Which is fine..but she still is asking me to take her to stores (I can't physically help her into my vehicle alone nor can I maneuver her wheelchair in and out of my vehicle easily-- I have back issues and I am fairly healthy but lifting all of that would be bad). She wants to know why she can't go to my hair place for hair appts. Because there are five cement steps leading up to it and it costs more to have her hair done outside of AL than using the one they have in her AL. I feel like crying after we talk or I see her because she drains me and she doesn't seem to understand that I cannot be taking her places so easily now that she can't even get into my car without two of us helping.

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Seeking calm, you sound like me to a tee…

yesterday conversation… would you get my walker for me, I need to have it to get around this room.… no mom, I took it home with me, you cannot stand anymore. … where are we going for Mother’s Day.?…. Mom, I can’t take you anywhere for Mother’s Day because I can’t put you in my car anymore. …
why can’t I live with you? if I had known I was going to be here like this I would’ve never moved from Tucson…. Well mom, who would’ve taken care of you… can we go to the jewelry store so I can get this ring sized…

This past week I felt like everything with my mother, her hallucinations, paranoia of theft, paranoia of black people, Medicaid, the veterans assistance program, all of it, was just sucking the life out of me…

Try to keep a healthy distance for yourself, and also keep try to keep her content..it’s a balancing act…

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Wow yes, you sound like me lol and I get what you're going through. My mother acts sometimes like she has no mobility issues/or that she has plenty of money to spend on frivolous things. She's paying a lot for AL. She'll ask to go buy new pants (She has TONS OF CLOTHES) every other week, or will wonder, why she can't, go to a hair salon that I go to. (It has steps, it costs more than the salon the AL includes). I hear you..and am sending you de-stressing vibes as well! Thank you for your input!

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What kind of AL is your Mom moving to? Is it one where it covers everything including laundry and meals? I assume she cannot get out of the AL without help from someone?

The caregivers on the ward are very adept on handling/redirecting these people. For instance, when it is time for me to leave (she wants me to sit and watch her sleep), I tell her I'm leaving, walk with her to the activity room, then hand her off to one of people in the activity room. She will frequently say things like "but I have to say goodbye" and "is she already gone?". They reply "You already said goodbye and she has left" even though I'm standing at the door.

I don't know whether your Mom can still write or not. I gave my Mom a notebook to write all the things I needed to do. Neither she nor I could read what was in the Notebook, however, it gave her peace of mind (and sometimes, I did figure it out during a visit).

At first, I was only going to visit her 3-4 times a week. However, I found out that I could make the visits shorter by visiting her more often. I think the nurses liked it that I came every day also. I try to bring a cut up orange or a cookie or something that I know she will like that they don't provide. It is possible that the more frequent visits, although shorter, also reduced the neediness.

The first few times is very hard to get away. The LO keeps on saying "oh I forgot to tell you" and in the past, that would stop me from leaving. Now, I am able to say, "you can tell me all about it tomorrow" and that changes the conversation.

You will become adept at this! Just don't go there when you are on a tight timeline. It makes the visit more rushed and the LO becomes more clingy and all you can think about is getting away. You can do this. Congrats for getting her into AL!

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thank you! Yes I am learning each day this week how to do it. Yesterday I had spent three hours there and she said, "But we never got my suitcase unpacked." I said, "We will do it tomorrow morning. Your dresser and closet are full of clothes!" (she had one suitcase of some things for the flight over/and all her stuff was already in closets when she arrived here. She will say "I need to go to the store with you".. and right now she can't. I cannot lift her wheelchair/fold it myself easily and don't feel safe trying to get her into my vehicle safely alone. She's declined a ton mobility wise..

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What is your mother relying on you to do? If her needs are greater than what is provided by her AL, maybe she needs different placement. If she just wants your company or to be taken places or to be waited on, those are non-essentials. You are not available. She will have to make other arrangements or do without.

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Often she wants me to do things the AL should/can do or for instance she has a hair appt next week at the salon in a building next door. It's because the AL salon is being redone/so people from AL are going to the salon in the memory care building next door. Everyone gets brought there from AL for their appts. My mother acted like I should be taking her over and when I said they will bring you, I have an appt that day, she said, "What is your appt? where are you going?"... not because she cares--but because she can't imagine my having other things to do. I love my mother. But she's a bit self involved and it's worsened with age.

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I, too, have a 91 year old mom with Parkinson's. She lives in AL and as an only child, it isn't easy. I've found that recognizing my limitations and hers, work best. It is okay for you to have a bad day. She can have them as well.

AL is just that; it is supposed to be a place for our loved ones to get "assistance" but they can't always articulate what they want, get what they need, and it is frustrating. Food and care are big ticket items in AL and often times, falls short.

I have to remind myself from time to time, she has to live her life and I have to live mine. We all need limits.

Do the best you can each day. You can't "fix old." None of this will get better. That is a tough one to accept, but I work on it each day. This article really helped me. I hope it helps you.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-leads-to-burnout-152629.htm

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Thank you- very good article, I appreciate your sharing it.

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There will be an activities director at the AL.
Please please pls go over in person without mom to introduce yourself and find out when they have a craft / project scheduled and what you can get them to make it go easier and volunteer for a least a couple of times. Let them know what moms personality and ability level is.
This time of year they are going to do something major red / white / blue for Memorial Day and then July 4th. For a modest investment of time & a buy at Dollar Tree or Goodwill you can buy a ton of crafty items for activities to use, create lots of goodwill, be there in person to see how mom interacts with others (so no more gaslighting on moms sayin’ “nobody loves me” mantras), befriend other residents (& more importantly their family) and now get activities to get mom doing stuff with others.

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My MIL is in AL. She has always been very demanding and clingy. She has Vascular Dementia that is pretty advanced which has only worsened her negative personality traits. Every call and visit with her devolved into hysterics on her part and upset my husband greatly to the detriment of his own health. So we had a talk with the AL owner. We took away her cell phone. She’s not allowed to call us using the AL phone. Now, communication with her is on our terms. The AL takes her where she needs to go and she can’t call and berate us about it. Working out well so far.

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There are some great suggestions here and I highly encourage you to follow them. If it hasn't been suggested i would like to add:

Don't retiree or quit your job.
Set aside some of your clothing your mother likes and wear them when you visit, she may not always recognize you but she might recognize your clothes.
Don't take negative comments she makes personally.
Keep your visits and calls on a fairly consistent schedule.
Encourage her to make new friendships and learn their names.
If she sends you on errands for foods etc make sure you know exactly it is you need to purchase. My mother refers to whole milk as "sweet milk".
Let her tell you where she wants to go in terms of day trips etc. If she can't handle it then you will need to be firm as why you can't take her. My mother can not go 45 minutes without a bathroom.
If you haven't yet, seek out a counselor that you can talk to about this.
Don't hesitate to ask a Dr. for anxiety reducing drugs.
Learn how to "grey rock".
Don't be a "peace maker" between your mother and family members .

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What is grey rock?

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Seekingcalm65: Set boundaries.

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Seekingcalm65: That was easier said than done for setting boundaries and I am sorry that I gave such a trite response as my mother was adamant about living alone in another state seven states from mine. I had to move there.

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Her health is likely to get worse. She needs to be in an assisted living facility that has skilled personnel. In time she'll get used to the staff and you should be able to depend on them to take care of her daily needs, such as making sure she takes her medications on schedule. She may need help going to doctor appointments, shopping for clothing and bed linens from time to time, etc. Some facilities have in-house doctors. This makes things much easier if it's available. Make sure her advance medical directives are up to date so that you know what her wishes are. Also make sure her Powers of Attorney for medical and financial matters are set up and she has a will, if she has assets. At some point you may have to take over handling her finances, bills, etc. AL facilities arrange for all meals, housekeeping, activities, etc. Hopefully in time she'll adjust to what is available there.

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Wow this is where I am right now. Just moved my parents into an AL near me, but not in my backyard. They had one night there, and I've had at least five phone calls from my mom with all sorts of complaints and issues from the food, to the room size, to the size of the building. Everything under the sun. I've ignored most of them, and she managed to get other people to call me about them. I have her phone on me for a reason, but she has my dad's phone.
The hardest part of this whole thing is the negativity I'm getting from them. I think it's more of a defense mechanism and age-related dementia but I also think they are just adjusting to this "new normal" and it's scary. It's crazy when you have to be the parent to your parents. O.O

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Assisted living is so they can be assisted while living.

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My mother is moving into an assisted living facility here to be closer to me. Just wondering what any of you have done/do for some sanity and boundaries?

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