My Mother is in the hospital Dx with UTI, High BP, MRI revealed she had several old mini strokes. She can't swallow & needs a FT & Pacemaker. She's been in the hospital for over a week and we need to make the decision to have her go to Hospice or feeding tube & pacemaker. This is extremely hard because she didn't have a directive. I wanted to put her in Hospice and let nature take it course, but that's what I want for myself when the time comes. I really don't know what she would want again.
Your profile says that your mom has dementia. That is a very important factor to consider, in my opinion. What was the quality of her life before she went into the hospital this time? How old is she and how long has she had dementia?
Do a little research on feeding tubes in the elderly, and specifically the elderly with dementia. There are many studies that suggest that this wonderful technology is not so wonderful for these population groups.
Do the doctors think she is healthy enough to undergo the procedure to implant the pacemaker?
I share your decision about what I would want for myself in these circumstances. If I knew what my mother wanted, that is what I would do for her. But in the absence of that knowledge I would decide based on my own beliefs, and I would choose hospice.
Which ever way you decide, you are likely to second-guess yourself and have regrets. Do your best to make a good decision, and then try to let it go. All any of us can do is our best.
My mom, who was 91, post-stroke, dementia and with partial aphasia, fell in her NH. It turned out that she'd fallen because of a blockage in her heart and needed a pacemaker. It didn't seem like a great idea to us, but mom was still able to understand and communicate yes and no. She chose yes, enthusiastically. She's still with us 2 1/2 years later.
If you have no idea what mom would want and she can't communicate, i might try asking the docs what they would do if it was their mom.
As Jeanne says, you will second guess yourself. We still do, even though it was mom's choice! Good luck, and know that we're thinking about you.
First, the factors in the decision. Start with the standard assumption that any procedure requires the consent of the person to whom it is to be done. Can you get it? If not, that is a good reason not to go ahead with it. If you can - even if it's not watertight, textbook consent from a fully-informed, competent adult - then follow through with the same questions you would ask if you were the patient: what are the risks, what are the potential benefits, on balance is it worth trying. Consult your mother's doctors, rely on their clinical judgement. They do know better than you, and it is perfectly all right to defer to their opinion.
Then the emotional side. It is not *fair* that you are having to make this decision for another person. You are not and do not claim to be God, and yet you are being required to make life or death choices. Acknowledge the basic unfairness of this, and take comfort from knowing that you're doing the best you can.
Finally, make room for the grief that you would be feeling even if you didn't have the extreme stress of this decision on top. Even the best case scenario is a sad one to have to face. Whatever you decide, I hope you will be able to ensure that your mother is kept pain-free and comforted: what you're aiming for is a soft landing.
Do you have friends or family with you to talk this through with? Please keep in touch and let us know how you're getting on.