We have failed twice before having my 94 Y.O. mother live with us. Bickering and fighting reached a point where I had to get her out or lose my marriage. Her AL move was traumatic but it worked out. Then her AL facility closed. We had to move her to the last AL open in our area. They are private pay only. Once again, she will have to move. Most likely in December. The only two choices are nursing homes.
My difficulty is we still have the same house and could move her here. She no longer walks, is forgetful, self centered and demanding. She has IBS and occasionally needs a full diaper clean-up. She will not bathe in a shower instead washing in the sink. Additionally, she is perpetually cold needing the temperature set around 80 to be comfortable. I think taking her on would be 24 x 7, and likely result in serious difficulty in my marriage.
Am I a bad son if I don't want to do this? Should I feel guilty about applying for Medicaid to place her in a nursing facility? Do her handicaps even qualify her for nursing care? Should I expect the State to do this for me even though I am capable but older (72)? This has really got me.
I need your help.
Also there are some AL’s that supposedly have a few beds designated for people who run out of money. Is your mother’s one of those? If Not maybe you could transfer her to one that has some of those rooms now before the money is gone.
Also would you want to be taken care of by a person who can’t wait until your gone so they can get their life back? Considering this are you really the best person to care for her especially 24/7?
Best of luck to you!
Get beyond the guilt, you and your wife need to enjoy the time you have left. Bless you all.
So my advice is to apply for Medicaid. They have services for people in t his situation and a nursing home makes sense for you. Just visit often and advocate for her so that she gets the best care. You do need to watch out for her, but having her at home may not be best for either you or her.
Apply for Medicaid now. Your mom, by nature of the fact that she’s not ambulatory, should qualify. Let the AL know the situation.
At 72, no matter how fit a 72 year-old you are, the physical care of a person who cannot walk and is fecally incontinent could literally kill you (or severely impair you).
Praying all works out well for you, whatever your decision.
You aren't really thinking it could work, right?
She has needs that should qualify her for NH, tell her doctor that is her only option, you're not in a position to care for her, she needs professional care and you would only be a bad son if you failed to get that for her.
Yes, your mothers handicaps should qualify her for nursing care, she is not independent.
Be kind to yourself and your wife, put her in a nursing home, you owe yourself that.
Arlene Hutcheon
Great advices here, which I also need since I'm in a similar situation. I do want to add, this all should apply, even if there's no spouse or marriage at risk.
I am 70 and living on my own and difficult though this is - it applies for me regarding my own mother. This is not a position I want my children to find themselves in, either - married or single.
Best wishes, Richard!