My mother is going to outlive her money this year. She will have to leave her private-pay AL facility. Should I bring her home?
We have failed twice before having my 94 Y.O. mother live with us. Bickering and fighting reached a point where I had to get her out or lose my marriage. Her AL move was traumatic but it worked out. Then her AL facility closed. We had to move her to the last AL open in our area. They are private pay only. Once again, she will have to move. Most likely in December. The only two choices are nursing homes.
My difficulty is we still have the same house and could move her here. She no longer walks, is forgetful, self centered and demanding. She has IBS and occasionally needs a full diaper clean-up. She will not bathe in a shower instead washing in the sink. Additionally, she is perpetually cold needing the temperature set around 80 to be comfortable. I think taking her on would be 24 x 7, and likely result in serious difficulty in my marriage.
Am I a bad son if I don't want to do this? Should I feel guilty about applying for Medicaid to place her in a nursing facility? Do her handicaps even qualify her for nursing care? Should I expect the State to do this for me even though I am capable but older (72)? This has really got me.
I need your help.
Start the Medicaid application process. If your mom's assisted living has a social worker enlist their help with the application. If there is no social worker to assist you you can still do it on your own. Medicaid can take a long time to be approved so it's best that you get started as soon as you can.
While you're applying for Medicaid visit some nursing homes to determine which one will be best suited for your mom.
If Mom was “difficult” before, so difficult that you almost lost your marriage, it would be worse now. Much worse. Asking your wife to mop her up when she has a blow-out from her IBS is totally above and beyond.
She is beyond AL and needs a skilled nursing facility. She has medical as well as cognitive issues. When I placed my mom, the Skilled Nursing Facility did all the Medicaid work for me and she was accepted Medicaid pending.
You are not a “bad son” for not bringing her back to live in your home. But your status as a “good husband” may suffer if you do.
Good luck and let us know what you decide.
Your marriage must come first.
In your decision making, contact your local social service agencies and get the logistical information you need to make your decision. Visit the two facilities to which you have access for her.
I have become an advocate for having a psychological/psychiatric evaluation done on ANYONE of this age, especially someone who presents with significant problems of ambulation, memory loss, and is belligerent/demanding.
It is highly likely at her age that a trained geriatric specialist in psychiatric evaluation will find evidence of dementia. The experience you had when you attempted home care previously will not have lessened, but will have increased.
What aspects of her and/or your present circumstances lead you to consider that caring for her “at home” will be successful now, after two failures?
After two failed attempts, only you can determine for yourself if you are or were a “bad son”. To the anonymous reader, it is likely that you are not.
There are NEVER good decisions to be made when caring for someone in your mother’s condition, so you must choose the best out of a bunch of less than good choices. As part of your personal assessment consider the impact on your mother, YOURSELF, and all the other residents in the house to which you’d be bringing her home.
Arm yourself with all the FACTS. YOU will be empowered to make the decision you need to make, however difficult.
Do not move her into your house.
It will destroy your marriage.
You are NOT a bad son.
Get her into a NH (as close to your home as possible) and visit her multiple days a week just to ensure she is being cared for.
Do not move her into your home. Do not feel bad about seeking assistance in caring for a 94 year old woman. You will be able to be a much better son to her if her physical needs are being met by a team of workers.
Best of luck.
Great advices here, which I also need since I'm in a similar situation. I do want to add, this all should apply, even if there's no spouse or marriage at risk.
I am 70 and living on my own and difficult though this is - it applies for me regarding my own mother. This is not a position I want my children to find themselves in, either - married or single.
Best wishes, Richard!
Yes, your mothers handicaps should qualify her for nursing care, she is not independent.
Be kind to yourself and your wife, put her in a nursing home, you owe yourself that.
Arlene Hutcheon
You aren't really thinking it could work, right?
She has needs that should qualify her for NH, tell her doctor that is her only option, you're not in a position to care for her, she needs professional care and you would only be a bad son if you failed to get that for her.
Praying all works out well for you, whatever your decision.
Apply for Medicaid now. Your mom, by nature of the fact that she’s not ambulatory, should qualify. Let the AL know the situation.
At 72, no matter how fit a 72 year-old you are, the physical care of a person who cannot walk and is fecally incontinent could literally kill you (or severely impair you).
So my advice is to apply for Medicaid. They have services for people in t his situation and a nursing home makes sense for you. Just visit often and advocate for her so that she gets the best care. You do need to watch out for her, but having her at home may not be best for either you or her.
Get beyond the guilt, you and your wife need to enjoy the time you have left. Bless you all.