We have failed twice before having my 94 Y.O. mother live with us. Bickering and fighting reached a point where I had to get her out or lose my marriage. Her AL move was traumatic but it worked out. Then her AL facility closed. We had to move her to the last AL open in our area. They are private pay only. Once again, she will have to move. Most likely in December. The only two choices are nursing homes.
My difficulty is we still have the same house and could move her here. She no longer walks, is forgetful, self centered and demanding. She has IBS and occasionally needs a full diaper clean-up. She will not bathe in a shower instead washing in the sink. Additionally, she is perpetually cold needing the temperature set around 80 to be comfortable. I think taking her on would be 24 x 7, and likely result in serious difficulty in my marriage.
Am I a bad son if I don't want to do this? Should I feel guilty about applying for Medicaid to place her in a nursing facility? Do her handicaps even qualify her for nursing care? Should I expect the State to do this for me even though I am capable but older (72)? This has really got me.
I need your help.
a nice mix of being codependent and empathetic. One's good -- the
other not so good.
Let us know how you're doing!
When I realized she had dementia, I took her (fighting all the way) to see a geriatrician who suggested medication that was a mix of nemenda and zolft. She said it would mellow Mom out and she was 100% right. We've titrated the mix up and down as new situations arose. We had to take away and sell her car, move her from her home to a number of facilities on the opposite coast, get her to see other doctors, wear diapers and now sleep in a hospital bed with railings in our home. She uses a walker (when I'm around). She is a pleasant and grateful as any human could possibly be. She is kind, sweet, funny as hell and a joy to be with. Without meds, she is impossible.
If you are struggling with an uncooperative parent, consider looking for and getting appropriate medication for your parent. Their nervous systems are worn out and they need medical support to be their best selves.
Your mother is currently in a facility. Why would you feel guilty about moving her into another facility? I would have thought the guilt would have come with the initial move. My mother passed in December. I kept her at home for 7 years then her Alz. became to difficult to manage. She was in a assisted living facility for almost 4 years. After a stroke I had to move there to a nursing home as she could no longer transfer. I considered bringing her home but knew I would need in home care almost around the clock. I found the care that she received in the nursing home was much better than the assisted living facility. She was cleaner and had more attention when she was eating. Just because she is not living with you does not mean you will not be caring for her. Give the nursing home a try. If you do not like it or have guilt bring her home. I realize this is very difficult.