My mother is going to outlive her money this year. She will have to leave her private-pay AL facility. Should I bring her home?

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My mother is going to outlive her money this year. She will have to leave her private-pay AL facility. Should I bring her home?

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We have failed twice before having my 94 Y.O. mother live with us. Bickering and fighting reached a point where I had to get her out or lose my marriage. Her AL move was traumatic but it worked out. Then her AL facility closed. We had to move her to the last AL open in our area. They are private pay only. Once again, she will have to move. Most likely in December. The only two choices are nursing homes.

My difficulty is we still have the same house and could move her here. She no longer walks, is forgetful, self centered and demanding. She has IBS and occasionally needs a full diaper clean-up. She will not bathe in a shower instead washing in the sink. Additionally, she is perpetually cold needing the temperature set around 80 to be comfortable. I think taking her on would be 24 x 7, and likely result in serious difficulty in my marriage.

Am I a bad son if I don't want to do this? Should I feel guilty about applying for Medicaid to place her in a nursing facility? Do her handicaps even qualify her for nursing care? Should I expect the State to do this for me even though I am capable but older (72)? This has really got me.

I need your help.

Assisted Living Care Decisions Paying for Care

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No, you're not a bad son for considering alternatives to having your mother move in with you especially since you've tried it in the past and it didn't work out. This time would be no different.

Start the Medicaid application process. If your mom's assisted living has a social worker enlist their help with the application. If there is no social worker to assist you you can still do it on your own. Medicaid can take a long time to be approved so it's best that you get started as soon as you can.

While you're applying for Medicaid visit some nursing homes to determine which one will be best suited for your mom.

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Thanks Eyerishlass, yes I am about 8 months from needing the approval completed. Everyone says I'm starting at a good time.

(6)

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Oh, boy. Can I be very honest with you? Get on the phone and contaxt your local Medicaid office.

If Mom was “difficult” before, so difficult that you almost lost your marriage, it would be worse now. Much worse. Asking your wife to mop her up when she has a blow-out from her IBS is totally above and beyond.

She is beyond AL and needs a skilled nursing facility. She has medical as well as cognitive issues. When I placed my mom, the Skilled Nursing Facility did all the Medicaid work for me and she was accepted Medicaid pending.

You are not a “bad son” for not bringing her back to live in your home. But your status as a “good husband” may suffer if you do.

Good luck and let us know what you decide.

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Yes! My Dad was allowed to live in his nursing home while he was “Medicaid pending.”
Your marriage must come first.

(13)

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Please read what you have written. Read every word, several times if necessary. Then read it as though you were counseling someone else who was writing what you have said.
In your decision making, contact your local social service agencies and get the logistical information you need to make your decision. Visit the two facilities to which you have access for her.
I have become an advocate for having a psychological/psychiatric evaluation done on ANYONE of this age, especially someone who presents with significant problems of ambulation, memory loss, and is belligerent/demanding.
It is highly likely at her age that a trained geriatric specialist in psychiatric evaluation will find evidence of dementia. The experience you had when you attempted home care previously will not have lessened, but will have increased.
What aspects of her and/or your present circumstances lead you to consider that caring for her “at home” will be successful now, after two failures?
After two failed attempts, only you can determine for yourself if you are or were a “bad son”. To the anonymous reader, it is likely that you are not.
There are NEVER good decisions to be made when caring for someone in your mother’s condition, so you must choose the best out of a bunch of less than good choices. As part of your personal assessment consider the impact on your mother, YOURSELF, and all the other residents in the house to which you’d be bringing her home.
Arm yourself with all the FACTS. YOU will be empowered to make the decision you need to make, however difficult.

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Lots of wisdom in your statement, "There are NEVER good decision to be made when caring for someone in your mother's condition so you must choose the best out of a bunch..." Good advice that applies to many situations!

(12)

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NO, NO, and NO!
Do not move her into your house.
It will destroy your marriage.
You are NOT a bad son.
Get her into a NH (as close to your home as possible) and visit her multiple days a week just to ensure she is being cared for.

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Thank you Xena, exactly what I plan to do.

(6)

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No. No. I certainly hope so and Yes!

Do not move her into your home. Do not feel bad about seeking assistance in caring for a 94 year old woman. You will be able to be a much better son to her if her physical needs are being met by a team of workers.

Best of luck.

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Thanks Marcia, I definitely want to be a good son.

(7)

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I think in posting here that you know what you really need to do, and are looking for validation. I hope you got it. Do not move your mother in.

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Do not move her in!!!! You've already tried and know it will not work. No need to feel guilty. if she needs a nursing home - it is not putting her on the trash heap and walking away. Start looking at homes now

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Thanks Kimber, I'm doing as you say.

(6)

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You are 72, you need to take care of yourself and your spouse. Turn this around and consider how you would feel if you were your mother and your child was 72, I'm sure you would not want your "child" to go through this. You would willingly go to a better suited facility for care.

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Thank you Sandy, unfortunately that is part of my problem. She does expect me to take care of her and does not understand why I won't take her home. It is very stressful.

(10)

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Thank you all! I have started the process. It will be hard but it is what is best all around. Your support was critical. Thanks again.

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Can I add, though you've already decided, don't move her in!

Great advices here, which I also need since I'm in a similar situation. I do want to add, this all should apply, even if there's no spouse or marriage at risk.

I am 70 and living on my own and difficult though this is - it applies for me regarding my own mother. This is not a position I want my children to find themselves in, either - married or single.

Best wishes, Richard!

(12)

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Nursing homes are better equipped to deal with the aging process ... if she needs help with daily living tasks Medicare will pay for custodial care for her. And she can apply for Medicaid to help.. I personally can’t afdord to quit work and care for a parent who can’t stay by themself in their own home much less in my home by themself nor can I afford to pay someone to watch them when I’m at work...so the nursing home would be my option for mine...

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Thanks Sherry, the SNF is the way to go.

(6)

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Once again thank you all. Your advice and wisdom gives me confidence to go forward and plan for her move. Everyone has been very supportive. I have not felt really good for months worrying about what would become of my mom. Now in just 2 days there is the kernel of a plan. Lots of work to do and people to contact. A good suggestion that may help others came from the SNF Admissions specialist. She suggested moving Mom about 2 months before money runs out, paying privately. They will apply for Medicaid during that time. She should have a smooth transition without stress. In the mean time (about 8 months) I will arrange to meet Medicaid's requirements. Ample time to do things right.

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Sounds like you are planning well and feeling better about your decision, good for you! Don't question that you are a good son, a very good, loving and caring son because you obviously are. One thing I would like to add just in case it helps at all is given that she no longer walks it seems to me that a NH situation may be far less of a transition and perhaps better for her than it seems, than it would have been previously when she was more capable on her own. Her world and surroundings are smaller now just by the nature of her lack of self mobility so she wont be reminded of her less spacious individual space constantly and having more direct access to people and help may be a welcome thing for her, who knows. Sounds to me like you are not only doing the right thing for you and your spouse but for her too by moving her to a NHF even if she wasn't running out of money!

(11)

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No, you are not a bad son if you don't want to bring your mother home. Your mother requires 24 hour care, and can no longer care for herself. She is better off being cared for by shifts of people rather than 1 person constantly, and that is what it will be. Yes, you are a capable 72 year old, but what happens when you can no longer care for her and your own health suffers because of the demands of caring for an elderly parent?
Yes, your mothers handicaps should qualify her for nursing care, she is not independent.
Be kind to yourself and your wife, put her in a nursing home, you owe yourself that.
Arlene Hutcheon

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Well, we are exactly here with my mom now; she has all the same issues as Richard's and her apt just flooded out from a broken pipe. I've been in touch with a very nice Christian based NH, who put her on the list, and said they will take her in a crisis - Medicaid pending. Also had her apply for Medicaid 4 months ago, but she was denied. The letter said too much income, and if she goes into a facility, she can reapply; guess that's standard? Too much income is a real joke; she's way below the limit in this state. Anyway, it's all in place, and looks to be happening soon.... poor cat; they won't take him, and that will break mom's heart, but what can you do? We already have 6 indoor cats, and a dog; her cat used to live with us and doesn't like any of them. Other than that and the NH being 60 miles away, the closest with any room, too, it seems the best. Having her here didn't work out for us either, and now she couldn't manage the steps, shower, or anything. I don't feel like a bad daughter, Richard; her doctors wanted to put her in a NH 2 years ago; we said no, and God gave her a village to care for her! Most of us do the best we can; join the club!

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Look to see if the NH accepts small pets. Some do now

(1)

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You are a husband first and foremost. If mom wants to do it her way then she can not live in your house. Your wife is the mistress of your home, not your mom.

You aren't really thinking it could work, right?

She has needs that should qualify her for NH, tell her doctor that is her only option, you're not in a position to care for her, she needs professional care and you would only be a bad son if you failed to get that for her.

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I am so sorry for your circumstances. If your mother is in need of skilled nursing care, most larger communities have a nursing home for indigent patrons. They will provide the care she needs for whatever government funds that she merits. Placement to a nursing home is much quicker if she is moved directly from a hospital. The facility may not be conviently nearby. In my community they can place a patient in a facility up to 100 miles away, Praying for an open door for you.

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I've thought of this myself only answer I can come up with is looking at facilities in the north west. Idaho Wyoming Montana. Some of them run under 3000.

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Like everyone has said nursing home and Medicaid. I love this site! Such good, supportive information/assistance.

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I think that you already decided when you put your Mom in AL. I would definitely start the Medicaid application (long) process for whatever you decide. You can always change your mind.

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No, you are not a "bad son" for not wanting a demanding, self-centered parent living with you. She needs skilled workers that are trained to deal with the stress of her care. I know what it's like to have to deal with someone like that. I would never have been able to deal with mine at home - I have a disability, but even if I didn't I could not have done it; it was difficult enough with mine creating problems at the nursing home. I went to the health care meetings, went to visit as often as I could - or should say as often as mine would allow (there were times I had to stay away for both our sakes); I looked out for her best interests - her right to refuse meds, etc; tried to deal with the staff pressuring her to take psych drugs; it was very difficult. You are 72. Your emotional well being needs to be considered when dealing with your mother. It would be absolutely devastating for you to have to deal with that at home. Putting her in a nursing home does *NOT* make you a bad son.
Praying all works out well for you, whatever your decision.

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No you should not feel guilty for applying for Medicaid for your mother. She does qualify for nursing care as it sounds like incontinence issues alone need professional care. Check the history of the 2 nursing homes in your area and pick the one that'll work best. Go to an elder law attorney who specializes in Medicaid applications, they'll help you apply on your mother's behalf if she has you as her POA. I'm working with one now and they're a Godsend. They took the guesswork out of applying and made things simpler, more manageable and a lot less stressful for me. Pls note their cost to do this was not cheap ($4000) but it included everything needed to ensure my Mom would get Medicaid. Since your Mom can't walk, nursing home care will be greatly beneficial for her overall as she sounds pretty tough for a 92 year old. Wheelchairs will help her regain some mobility and empower her to feel some independence again. Good luck and hope this helps!

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I understand your guilt, but it is non-productive.
Apply for Medicaid now. Your mom, by nature of the fact that she’s not ambulatory, should qualify. Let the AL know the situation.
At 72, no matter how fit a 72 year-old you are, the physical care of a person who cannot walk and is fecally incontinent could literally kill you (or severely impair you).

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Don't feel guilty. Apply ASAP - as in you should have already applied.

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There was a time in my life ( when I was young and naive ) I said "I could NEVER put my parents in a nursing home". Time passes and experience and wisdom come ( slowly for me lol). Since losing my dad 2 years ago our goal has been to keep my mom in her home for as long as she can stay safely. I can tell you that if a person needs skilled nursing care then that is the answer that is best in my opinion and I have had to change my naive feelings to be more realistic. I love my mom dearly and when she can no longer stay in her home safely - we will be looking at options that I am sure will include nursing home care. ( she is using a wheelchair most of the time and I keep telling her that the more she does not use her legs the more she will not be able to use them) I know that your mother's care is very important to you and I think that being immobile and incontinent means that the kind of care she needs now, in this stage, is nursing care. The kind of help she might get in the nursing home is mobility, assistance with baths, and possibly make a friend - as many facilities do have a lunch room for meals that can be shared with fellowship. Good luck on your decision.

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Apply for Medicaid. Bring her home. Get additional home support from Medicaid. See if you can take a year off and care for her.

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The poster is 72 years old. He wouldn't be "taking a year off". He'd be committing suicide.

(21)

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I feel your pain having a similar problem with my 93 year old mother. Her funds are rapidly dwindling so we cannot afford to pay for her private nursing care she needs 24/7. I once told her she could live with us if worse came to worst but her disabilities mean I cannot care for her needs.
So my advice is to apply for Medicaid. They have services for people in t his situation and a nursing home makes sense for you. Just visit often and advocate for her so that she gets the best care. You do need to watch out for her, but having her at home may not be best for either you or her.

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You are NOT a bad son for realizing that, at age 72, caring for your aging mom is going to be a demanding, life altering, physically difficult challenge that could put your own health at risk. She is already used to the conveniences, care, social interaction and routines provided by a facility, and changing that could also impact her negatively. Definitely apply for Medicaid with the help of an elder care attorney.... if it is approved, you will breathe a sigh of relief because the option will be available. You can always decide against it, but at least it’s available. You never know what will happen in your future with your own health, and planning ahead will make it easier. I’ve learned recently that my 80 yr old father may outlive me, and I’m 50. It’s just the reality and the way things turned out.

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Hey there. You are close enough to it yourself. Find a safe place and apply for Medicaid if she has no money or assets. Sorry to be rude, but people who are well informed do the "spend-down" years before time for the nursing home need is apparent.

Get beyond the guilt, you and your wife need to enjoy the time you have left. Bless you all.

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You are not a bad son and you should not feel guilty. It's not like your only obligation in this world is to your mother. You have other people to take care of as well. You can take care of your mother by doing your best to get her into the best facility available. That's what she needs. And you will not be placing a burden on the rest of your family by trying to take care of her at home where you are not set up or trained like the professionals in a nursing home.

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Going through this now, we placed my mom in nursing home in March, knowing by the end of 2018, funds would be depleted. I am not going to try and fool you, it is A LOT of work. Get yourself an eldercare attorney. They know the ins and outs of what you need to do. Unfortunately, we were at the the point of sending in the application and our lawyer suddenly passed away. We have a new lawyer, but I had to start all over again. Do not feel guilty ( I know easier said than done), but you deserve to know your parent is safe, fed & well cared for. You deserve a life too. We all think, oh I will have my turn, this won't last forever, but now my mother in law is having a lot of issues too. So, basically, we don't have a life!! I know it is our parents, but getting them settled and taking the burden of all of the care will make your visits much more enjoyable... Do not focus on the guilt, we all have it, focus on moving forward and taking back your life..... Wish you the best.

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Thank you, Mom will be moving this Fall.

(11)

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If she has less than $2000 and no huge assets you can apply for Medicaid to pay what ever is left after they take her social security check. Usually allow her to keep 50 or $60 depending on state you live in. I think you can have a house and a car too. If she’s as much over $2000 buy a car. check with your state first to see what is allowed.

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My mother is going to outlive her money this year. She will have to leave her private-pay AL facility. Should I bring her home?

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