Hello. My mother is 89 and has memory issues. My father died 7 years ago, and she gave up on life. After Neuro and psych/therapy, the Doctors told her to exercise and socialize, which she refuses to do. She will not leave the house, and getting her to bathe is a challenge. She has sleep issues, is up and down all night, and lays on the sofa all day watching TV. She is not physically ill. There are companion/caretakers in everyday for 4-5 hrs. and my sister and I are there regularly. We would like a roommate to move-in so she is not alone at night. We have tried this in the past, and she eventually dislikes them and becomes mean. She claims they are mean to her cat or are nomads and living off of her for free. We know this is not true. We have cameras throughout the house. She has been asking for a roommate again, and we don't know what to do. I want her to feel safe, but we don't want to put someone through this again if she turns ugly. Moving her to a care home is not an option, she would have a mental breakdown if we tried to get her to leave. We tried antipsychotic meds and they made her groggy. She cannot live with either of us, as we have stairs and work full-time. Any help or guidance would be appreciated. She does have a life-alert system as well.
Took my brother and I years to get her settled in one, she had a slight stroke, was afraid to stay alone at night, finally we scooped her up, moved her to a facility near us.
She loves it, says " I wish I had done this 10 years ago"! Great! Go figure.
You are making assumptions, there comes a time when another has to make sound decisions for someone who is no longer independent. It is no longer about what they want, it is about what they need, and that includes the rest of the family as well.
You don't know that for sure. What do you consider a mental breakdown? Crying? Ranting? Lots of people do that when someone goes against their wishes! Three weeks later, they're playing bingo.
Your mom is not well enough to make her own decisions now. It's sad, but you're going to have to be the adult and realize that what she wants is not what she needs.
Her mind is already "broken down" from dementia, and she's going to get worse, not better. This is the hard truth, and I'm very sorry that this is happening.
The roommate solution hasn't worked before, and it's unlikely to work now. Mom belongs in a memory care facility where she has 24/7 care by trained professionals. You need to visit some of them, as they're all different, but you might find just the right one for your mother.
We see lots of posts like yours here. I'm pretty sure you're not going to follow this advice - yet. Visit the care facilities anyway so you'll be ready when something urgent happens.
Anything they can come up with to avoid making the hard decision like "She will have a mental breakdown" will be used as an excuse.
I agree they are not ready to face what should be done.
If she has Alzheimer's you are actually enabling poor decision making by someone no longer capable of being her own decision maker.
Who is POA?
If there is none, and the dementia is far progressed this is a case for guardianship and placement.
If there is no Alzheimer's and Dementia and an MD has assessed her safe to make her own decisions, then allow her to do so, and don't enable her dependency on you.
You say she cannot move into care because she would have a mental breakdown. Then she will just have to go ahead and have that breakdown. And she will be medicated appropriately. The being home unsafe and having everyone run circles around her isn't going to work. Remember, not everything can be fixed to everyone's liking. Somethings just must have an answer, even if a sad one.
Those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it.
As has been demonstrated, a roommate or live-in aid is not the solution and never will be for her. The caregiving has to happen on the caregiver's terms, whether your Mom agrees with/likes it or not. People with dementia aren't much able to show be logical or reasonable, or empathetic or show gratitude because their brains are broken and breaking. Stop expecting this from her. Do what works best for the caregiver(s).
Sorry, there really aren't any good solutions in her situation. Many on this forum have dealt with the white-hot anger of seniors who have been transitioned into a facility because it was the least bad solution for everyone (including the tired family caregivers who cannot continue to orbit around her). Most of the time, they acclimate, if their dementia allows it.
Please do not consider a live-in. Search this topic on this forum and you will find all the reasons why it isn't a great option for someone like your Mom. The caregiving arrangement has to be on the caregivers' terms. I bet you and your sister would like to have your lives back while having peace of mind about your Mom. This is what a facility provides.
“She would have a mental breakdown if we tried to get her to leave."
Maybe? But she will be okay. Better a temporary breaking down than her falling or getting seriously hurt in her house.
Also, could it be that YOU may be the one to have a breakdown? Because placing a parent, an unwilling one at that, brings a whole slew of emotions.
Juggling what's best for our loved ones and what's within our means, while they make demands that we can't meet, makes us all feel wretched.
That's what's good about this forum - we can help each other to unburden the guilt we feel over making unwelcome decisions. But someone has to do it because our loved ones are no longer capable of doing so.
(I hope that made sense - it's been a long day!)
What she will likely have is a tantrum. She'll rant and rave and carry on with the histrionics for a while then she'll basically go back to pretty much the lifestyle she lives now if it's what she wants.
In fact, she will likely remain exactly how she is. On a couch all day watching tv, complaining, and refusing to bathe. The only difference is if you put her in a board and care home or an AL, she'll pretty much live exactly as she is now, only she won't be alone and there will be staff around to meet her needs.
A roommate is a bad idea. Like you said it will end with her turning on them and the asinine nonsense of them being nomads living off her will start up. Don't put anyone through that.
Put her in a home.
If you mean a live-in carer, when your mum gets mean again, you will end up in a crisis because the care will stop abruptly when the full-time carer can't take any more.
So, anti-psychotics make your mum groggy? Yet, the doctor would only have prescribed them for good reason - because your mum's behaviour meant she needed them. Which means that your mum needs more support than she's getting at home.
Your mum needs to be in AL or memory care. This is not a tenable situation.
Yes, your mum will get mad about it. So, put her on meds during the transition and then let her acclimatise. Either that, or let her blow off steam while the facility deals with it and you go home.
Make the sensible decision because your mum isn't able to.
Your mom will NOT have a mental breakdown. She's scaring you. She will be mad, for sure. BUT these places have so many activities and she might be surprisingly adaptive to the change!
I wouldn't go the roommate route again. Sounds like your mom gets mad and then you cave in to her demands. That's hard, I know, but it's all talk.
Look into some ALFs. See what's out there, what's affordable and even take her with you, if she's amenable to that. (We didn't take MIL< she was totally bonkers by that time and she wouldn't have gone 'back' if she'd seen the place first.)
The life alert system is really not all that helpful, since it alerts you AFTER the drama has passed. AFTER the fall, as it were.
She needs 24/7 care, which you cannot provide.
It IS hard when our LO's decide they are just NOT going into a home and dig in their heels.
I'm sure placing her will be difficult, but she is manipulating you
Good luck
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