My mother-in-law still insists on living in huge house 4 hours from us. How can we convince her it's time to move?
She will not agree to move to where we live or where her oldest grandson lives, nor will she move into a retirement community in the city where she lives now. Now she has scheduled cataract surgery and wants my husband and me to come down to help her out. Her house reeks of mildew (I have posted about this previously), and we don't want to stay there so we would have to be in a hotel. Also, the weather could be a problem. We don't want to risk our necks on icy roads or end up stuck there for days on end. I'm really angry that she expects us to do this and stubbornly refuses to move out of her huge old house that is too big for her, needs constant repair, and eats up a lot of her money. I will feel guilty if we don't go, but I don't want to go. How can we convince her that it's time to move out of the house and either closer to us or into a retirement community? She is 87 years old.
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Find an apartment ahead of time so she does not try and move in with you for the duration.
If she won't agree to the work being done or she can't afford it the house can be sold "as is" and someone will buy it and fix it themselves. Get her to watch a few episodes of "Flip or Flop" on HGTV so she gets the idea. Make sure you find a charming young man as your "Inspector" one who can charm the socks off old ladies. He can even bring a small gift.
My mother had cataract surgery a few years back, and because she said she couldn't administer her own drops (she doesn't see out of one eye and has horrible depth perception), I had to go over to her condo multiple times a day to administer the eye drops (3 or 4x/day). If that is still the procedure, home health would have to go over there multiple times a day (or else stay the entire day). Just something to consider.
My husband stood his ground, and tomorrow he going to call her and offer to call her doctors and/or home health agencies to see if he can line up help for her. Time to call her bluff.
She bends her knees, but before she can sit down, the urine flow begins. The elderly have all types of problems with bladder/bowels.
I still feel guilty about not going, but I don't know why. I guess because she is 87 and lives alone. I know, I know... it's her choice to stay there.
At any rate, we are not going, and we haven't heard anything from her since we told her that. We still expect "the call" where she tells my husband how awful we are. *sigh*
BTW, maybe I should ask a new question on this topic, but does anyone else have an elderly female relative who pees all over the toilet seat, even the back of it? We are still figuring out how and why my MIL does this.
This is his responsibility, not yours. Mommy needs to have some new ground rules.
Even though she doesn’t have dementia at her age stubbornness increases and judgement decreases. No one will change her or be able to reason with her.
And don’t move her in with you. One of two things will happen. She will have a fall or medical crisis and/or the local authorities will force her to move due to the mold.
Don’t spent your money on her house or care.If she’s broke, sell The house as is and get her on Medicaid.
Sorry to sound so hardass but I’ve been watching my parents do this same thing for over 5 years. My wife is very understanding and supportive but she’s not about to take on the care of my parents. That’s my job and I totally accept that.
I will ask her (if she's still speaking to us) if she wants us to call her to remind her about the drops. I'm sure she will give us the cold shoulder, but at least we will have made the effort. She only wants help on her terms. She will often tell us how wonderful other people are at helping her, but when my husband offers to do something, she tells him not to bother. Then later she tells him how awful and ungrateful he is for this, that, or the other. Example: When her mother was ill with cancer, my husband flew up to see her before she died. When my husband's grandmother died, he was asking his mom about flying to a distant city for the funeral. His mother told him not to go to the expense, because he had already come up to visit her when she was ill. Years later, when my husband's mother was ticked off at us, she said, "You never even came to your grandmother's funeral and everyone asked where you were." This is the kind of crap we deal with in our relationship with her.
If I had any advice for young ladies, it would be never to marry an only child, because you will be taking care of your aging in-laws.
About the mildew. I discovered something black on an inside closet wall at my mothers one day. I freaked. I knew this was the discovery that would require her to move. Meanwhile I put on a mask, got the correct solution of clorox to water and washed the wall. It has never come back. That's been at least five years ago. Maybe more.
I sound like a broken record these days to anyone who reads my post but please Okiegranny, check out the book, 'Being Mortal' by Atul Gawande and soak up some really good advice on dealing with elders. Let us know how the surgery goes and what you decide to do.
I don't remember anyone asking if I had care waiting at home (or if I did for a day.) The complicated part of the drops is doing them on a set schedule. Then you have to start the schedule for the second eye before the first on is completely done. And each eye gets more than one type of drop. OMG! You need a chart to keep track (and the clinic helpfully gives you one.) Chart or no chart there is no way in his universe or any parallel universe that my husband could have managed his drops! I somehow managed mine, but I'm not sure I could do it again, and this age.
Your mother should arrange to have someone with her for at least the first day. Then, if you feel generous and willing, you could keep a copy of the chart and call her each time she should have drops. "OK, Mom, it is time for 2 drops from the yellow dropper, and one from the brown bottle. I'll wait on the phone while you do that. Let me know when you are done." Of course if she is feeling perverse she could tell you she did it right before you called, or wait a bit and tell you she just took them but she didn't. But assuming she wants the benefit of the procedure then giving her reminders might work. This goes on for a couple weeks for each eye, so it would be a big commitment to do the reminders. Maybe you and hubby could divide up the schedule. (I sure wish someone had called me with reminders!)
This would be a way to assure MIL that you want the best for her health, and at the same time reinforce the message that you are not at her beck and call to come to her.
My husband will have a job through the end of April, so we would not be free until then. We can't keep doing this, though. She needs to move to where we are, where our oldest son lives, or into a retirement center in the city where she lives now.
I hope the doctor can connect her to someone like a visiting nurse or caregiver to do her drops for her. She is really bad at doing them herself. Of course, it they report the awful mildew, so be it. It's time for her to let go of her giant house.
if she is capable of putting in the drops it is no big deal just a nuisence.
The surgery is very quick and painless (I was terrified) She won't be allowed to drive for at least a week after each surgery. I could see well enough straight away but you need the surgeon's OK. maybe putting it off till the Spring could be another idea if you would be prepared to help then.
APS is definitely the way to go. Be aware, though, that if they find significant mold in her home they may be required to report it. Mold abatement (necessary to eventually sell the house) isn't cheap.
We know what's coming next... she will call and unload on my husband for all the bad things he supposedly has done over the last decades (many of which are lies) and tell him how ungrateful he is. One year she thought we hadn't gotten her a Christmas present (even though she always tells us not to get her anything, and we had gotten her something, it just hadn't arrived yet) and unloaded on him telling him she told all her friends that her only son didn't get her anything for Christmas. I'm so sick of this crap.
The mildew is horrible, but for whatever reason, it doesn't seem to affect her health. She has no breathing problems at all. When we bring up the mildew problem, she ignores us. There was even black mildew or mold on some of the wallpaper, and she claimed it was just dirt.
She is very thin and seems somewhat frail, but she never shares anything with us, so I don't know about her overall health.
We thought about writing a letter to her doctor (we aren't exactly sure we know the right name, and, of course, she wouldn't tell us), so it might be a shot in the dark
I do appreciate everyone's input. You all are so kind and helpful.
BTW, I'm not sure what APS is?
These three ladies have said it all! You say "no, no can do, grandma; it's too dangerous for us. You'll have to hire someone local".
And DO call APS. Someone with authority is going to have to take the reins here.
Good luck!
Has anything been done about the mildew?
Have you contacted her doctor about your concerns?
Your profile says she has dementia. Is that a medical diagnosis or based on your observation? A person beyond the very early stage of dementia should not live alone. I doubt that a retirement community would be sufficient for long if she has dementia. Some kind of care center would be more appropriate -- perhaps assisted living.
I wonder if calling APS would be appropriate at this point (especially if she has dementia.) You can explain that you fear she is vulnerable because of her age and also some cognitive decline, and you are worried about the health risks of her environment. And you can mention that she will be having cataract surgery and no one to help her with drops after she gets home. They will investigate.
It is really difficult and frustrating to want to help someone who doesn't want help, isn't it?
Thanks very much for your replies. I hope my husband and I have the fortitude to use tough love. I agree, freqflyer, it's not so easy for us at our age to do what she asks of us. We aren't spring chickens either.
A team of wild horse wouldn't not make my Mom budge from the house she shared with my Dad. Dad, bless his heart, would pack immediately to move to senior living. He was tried trying to maintain the house. I even brought home brochures of really nice resort looking retirement villages... Mom pretty much said she was too young to move there. Earth to Mom, you and Dad are in your 90's. Oh well.
I really believe our parents still view us as just the "kid" and what do we know.... and also view us being in our 20's and 30's with a lot of energy to help. My own Mom just couldn't understand why I would be having my own age related declines. Hello, I am a senior citizen, too. Who is going to pick ME up off the floor when I can't get up???
You and hubby will have to do what many of us here needed to do.... wait for a serious medical emergency. Sadly Mom won't get to choose where she lives if she needs rehab and nursing home care. It will be where ever there is an open bed.