My mother has stage 4 lung cancer and to watch her slowly deteriorate is killing me. She is 88 yrs old and she's led a good life. Any suggestions, thoughts on how to deal with this?
My father passed away 9 yrs ago from esophageal cancer, it was a different situation all together. He died 6 weeks from diagnosis. No time to think, no time for anything.
My mother's situation is different. It's very slow. I watch her sleep and sleep more and more. She lies there helpless. I keep feeling like there is something I should do, but I don't think there is. She's in hospice at home. Meanwhile, I have "anticipatory grief". I can't imagine how it's going to be once she's gone. I try my best to stay positive around her but it's so hard and it's killing me inside. (I'll add that I am going through menopause too so that just amplifies it 10x). Distractions only work for so long and I do pray to God for help and strength. Any suggestions, ideas or methods that worked for you to help get through this? It would be greatly appreciated.
She's probably on meds that make her sleepy. I know when Daddy got this way, I would simply sit by his bed, hold his hand and sing to him. (I used to have a pretty decent singing voice and he loved to hear me sing.)
He also LOVED RoadRunner cartoons and we'd watch those together.
If he was having a 'bad day' I would just ask what he wanted and tried to give him that. He did miss eating, so a red popsicle was about all the 'treat' he could handle.
We did not talk of anything of consequence, really. He did ask me to reach out to my OB's ex wife and to apologize to her for not protecting her from an abusive marriage-that was heart wrenching, but he knew I'd do it. Mom would not have done so.
This was NOT a time to has out old grievances or earthly worries--stay away from that. This request was the ONLY even slightly negative aspect of his passing.
I felt it a TREMENDOUS privilege to watch him transition into the next world. It was incredibly spiritual and beautiful.
I think the rule of thumb is to do one day at a time, making today as good as it can be. But reach out and ask for help.
I don't know if this would help, but...
1. I quit my job to move in with my sister and take care of her. At least she wasn't alone, which I thought was very important. A few times we did discuss death, and it helped me to know that she could share such deep emotions, but I think it also helped her to be able to share them.
2. Since you're working, are there relatives or friends who could come over and just stay with your mother to ensure that any issues or emergencies that develop are addressed?
3. Some communities and agencies can provide wellness checks, although it's for that time only and doesn't address longer term care.
4. Thank of how best to spend the time remaining so that you don't feel guilty, but also that your mother has as much support as you can provide. Sometimes just being there with someone is enough.
5. You might also play her favorite music/CDs when you're home. We did that, and it relaxed both of us. We also listened to mood CDs (waves lapping on a shore) just before bed as we both developed difficulty sleeping.
6. On a different level, are you prepared for anything that you think might happen? Trips to the ER (i.e., bag packed with reading to calm you, her history to provide to the ERs, lists of family to call and keep them informed)?
7. Have you contacted a local Gilda's Club? Speaking with others dealing with cancer could be helpful.
8. Have you addressed post life planning? End of life documents in order, funeral plans roughed out, lists of people to notify? This may sound maudlin, but (a) it can provide mental stimulation by thinking and planning, and (b) after she passes, it may be very difficult to concentrate of things like planning.
9. I'm now reading Chicken Soup for the Soul, Grieving, Loss and Healing, which is very emotional, but addresses a multitude of responses from those who have lost loved ones. Some of their pre and post death plans reflect a level of thinking that surprised me, as I didn't think it would be easy to be so rational.
I am so sorry though for the challenges you and your mother are facing, and hope that you do find peace.
I always recommend these two books:
On Grief and Grieving, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler
https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Grieving-David-Kubler-Ross/dp/1471139883/ref=sr_1_4?crid=12KJ06NCGCPB3&keywords=on+grief+and+grieving+by+elizabeth+kubler-ross&qid=1659820968&sprefix=on+gri%2Caps%2C136&sr=8-4&ufe=app_do%3Aamzn1.fos.2b70bf2b-6730-4ccf-ab97-eb60747b8daf
and also:
Finding Meaning, The Sixth Stage of Grief, by David Kessler
https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-Sixth-Stage-Grief/dp/1501192744/ref=sxin_10_mbs_w_global_sims?content-id=amzn1.sym.167d0880-9da0-400b-938e-4382731a4102%3Aamzn1.sym.167d0880-9da0-400b-938e-4382731a4102&crid=12KJ06NCGCPB3&cv_ct_cx=on+grief+and+grieving+by+elizabeth+kubler-ross&keywords=on+grief+and+grieving+by+elizabeth+kubler-ross&pd_rd_i=1501192744&pd_rd_r=9c105005-287c-4806-8f0b-57f920113444&pd_rd_w=9O2Xx&pd_rd_wg=u0O6z&pf_rd_p=167d0880-9da0-400b-938e-4382731a4102&pf_rd_r=QPZ7MPCE03YV697AKYTA&qid=1659821115&sprefix=on+gri%2Caps%2C136&sr=1-2-9e7645f9-2d19-4bff-863e-f6cdbe50f990
"In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first identified the stages of dying in her transformative book On Death and Dying. Decades later, she and David Kessler wrote the classic On Grief and Grieving, introducing the stages of grief with the same transformative pragmatism and compassion. Now, based on hard-earned personal experiences, as well as knowledge and wisdom gained through decades of work with the grieving, Kessler introduces a critical sixth stage: meaning.
Kessler’s insight is both professional and intensely personal. His journey with grief began when, as a child, he witnessed a mass shooting at the same time his mother was dying. For most of his life, Kessler taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about end of life, trauma, and grief, as well as leading talks and retreats for those experiencing grief. Despite his knowledge, his life was upended by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son. How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth stage of grief—meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss."
Finding meaning in life, for us survivors, can often be a challenge after losing a loved one. Kessler's book is phenomenal in that department, and the combined effort of Kubler-Ross and Kessler in On Grief and Grieving covers the stages of grief and the anticipatory grief you're feeling now with losing your mom.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace in accepting the loss that's coming up. All the best of luck.
I think that's a good start...what you're going through, is very hard.
I kept repeating the Serenity Prayer throughout my mother's lung cancer and pretty much through all of life's challenges, since.
"God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference."