She is 93, almost blind, has neuropathy, is a fall risk, very frail. She is very attached to her junk and gets upset if anyone throws anything away or organizes it for her. Her part of the house is a health hazard and fall risk. The rummaging behavior seems obsessive. Yesterday she stepped on a sharp knife that had fallen on the floor and was bleeding from a small cut. Due to the neuropathy and poor vision she has no idea she had cut herself and was bleeding all over the carpet. She can't see well enough to clean her dishes and often eats from dirty utensils or sometimes even moldy food. She wants to be independent, but I feel it's time to step in and take charge of her environment. I dread the fight and ensuing anxiety and depression I'm pretty sure this will bring on. Suggestions?
You mention 'her' part of the house, but then said she doesn't see well enough to wash dishes or eating from dirty dishes/moldy food. So, sounds like to me she might have a kitchen in her area?? Start with that. If she has her own kitchen, tell her because of the knife and food she can't really see if it's gone bad, all the cooking and prep needs to be done in your kitchen area for safety reasons. You want her to remain as independent as possible and separate kitchen areas could be dangerous. If YOU need help for food prep for her, then get someone to come in to do that for her (let her pay for it if she can afford that - or you pay to help both of you get food prepared).
The food prep person could start with additional chore of vacuuming her room or very small steps to keep things picked up. If she resists, tell her it's to help YOU out in keeping the house clean. Instruct the person to leave her things where they are or ask her where she wants them to be put.
I think you have a point that we should work with our elders in arranging their things. It is really infuriating to have your stuff rearranged without consent or discussion.
If she falls and breaks her hip it will be game over.
My mom was same but we finally had to just do it and put up with the anger. Lots of it was just trash.
As well as dementia your mother may have a little but of hoarding disorder. This is when the security of having our own things tips into a problematic mental health area, often when we are at a vulnerable
point in our lives. It’s also possible that the constant rummaging is also a form of “self stim” where your mother needs something tactile when she can no longer see well.
Maybe try giving your Mum something to hold? A rug? A scarf? There are also fidget items specifically made for those of us with dementia.
This might mean you can tackle her”stuff”. See if you can put some of it out of the way, reassuring her that you know exactly where it is, or a “Grandchild” is using it and really enjoying it , or it looks just lovely on that shelf. Probably not worth persuading her to throw things out at this stage in her life. Too distressing for both of you.
Hope you improve things for both of you. Such a difficult situation.
Both your mother and his wife require skilled nursing in a facility.
I think you are spreading yourself too thin. If you need to make a choice, it should be the parent living with you. If Dads wife has children, they should be helping her. Dad will need to hire someone if you choose to care for Mom. Dementia is 24/7 care.
Are you able (willing?) to provide this?
From your profile: "Newly retired to take care of divorced parents. Mom lives in my home. Dad just diagnosed with lung cancer and his wife is recovering from a fractured femur and is diabetic. All three rely on me quite a bit."
So you are the caregiver for your mother in your home AND for your father and his wife? Where do your father and his wife live?
How did you end up being the person to take care of all three of them? Is this what you want?