My mother accused me of elder abuse and served me with an EPO. Now she's alone and I'm out of the house. Who do I contact for help?

Do you have any other family members that can care for your mother? It seems you are very upset about living in your car, but something tells me its not all what it seems here. I would suggest getting another family involved as a mediator and not complain. Your mother is going through a traumatic time in her life and its not her fault. She is not fully aware of what she may be doing. Be easy with her and get either a close friend or family member involved and lets keep the focus on your mothers illness and not your inconvenience.

Dear Hwga1920
if the police came to her home where you reside and asked you to leave than they have to do an investigation on the abuse. Get in contact with the Department of Aging in your town and speak to an adviser. Also, you need to speak to her physicians and see if it is documented that she does have dementia. The police can impound her car. Maybe it is time for her to be placed in a NH or assistant living, her doctors can help with that. Lastly, get an attorney for your own protection.

Good luck. I went through this in NJ

When my father’s father passed Dad’s youngest brother and his wife took over care of their mother. Unfortunately she only lived 6 months but from what I learn growing up it was a horrible 6 months for my uncle and his wife. Grandmother never did like my Aunt. When mother’s mother passed her father came to spend the winter in our house and moved back into his in the spring where he stayed for the next 11 years.  It was next to my parents and mother felt the burden of caregiver even though for all but the last year he was in fairly good health. He joined us for dinner most nights but otherwise took care of himself, at some point he stopped driving.

What are the options in your area for Independent or Assisted Living? Does MIL still drive? Friends of ours have her Dad nearby in an Independent/Assisted living building. Close enough that they can check in or take Dad out. He is very involved in the activities there and a couple years ago gave up his car and now use the bus the complex provides for his outings. He’s been there 15 years and turned 92 in January. Three of his 4 children live within 15-60 minutes of him, his eldest remained in New England when everyone else made their way to FL. They all knew that having Dad live with them was not the right choice for any of them.

My SIL and her hubby got married and moved right into the farm house with Dad and her sister to run the farm and care for Dad. They have since had a special needs son and now both Dad and sister have passed. They feel like newlyweds for the 1st time. They can do what they want, when they want and SIL has finally been able to start making the house their own.

I think that maybe the way to approach this with hubby is to suggest that with you just getting married and now looking for a house it would be too much on Mom and getting her her own place that she can to herself and not be interrupted by your schedules would be best. You can offer to have Mom come for dinner one or two nights a week and on the other nights cook a little extra of whatever for her to have at home. You both need your own space as you build your new life as a married couple.

First, let's deal with you. DO NOT go to your mom's home; you need to remain with a clean record and out of jail. Find a place and a job for yourself. Go to a women's shelter or other community resources to help you secure your life.

Next, your mother has mental health issues besides dementia. Call her doctor and explain the situation. He/She needs to contact the police for your mother to have an involuntary psychiatric evaluation since mom is a threat to herself and others. If the doctor will not follow through, then you should call the police and let them know your concerns. Be prepared that she will probably end up in a residential facility that can care for her full time. Hopefully, she will be cared for in a facility that specializes in dementia and mental illness.

My darling husband did the same ... the Sherriff suggested I get him into hospital for an assessment as he was unpredictable. Also suggest you keep a journal!

You get yourself help. Your mother has made it clear to you that you are not welcome in her home. If you cannot accept that and you cannot stay away you will be taken away in handcuffs and that will ruin a lot of years for you. Some judge granted her an order of protection against ***you***. Disregard that order at your peril.

Move on with your life. Go to a women's shelter if you have no other options. Women's shelters often have counselors available to help women get their lives back on track.

Your post terrifies me since I am in a very similar situation. I am thankful it hasn’t escalated to the point yours has and I pray it never does although it’s come very close. If there is any type of representation out there for an individual adult dealing with an elderly parent who is demented then please pass that information along since it is desperately needed by those of us that never know what the elder will do next . As far as govt. resources such as APS, unfortunately, it’s a risk since the caregiver doesn’t know what the ramifications could be from having that type of intervention. It could get worse.

First order of business is to find a safe place for yourself. worriedinCali's suggestion might be a start - see if you can get into one of these "hotel" shelters!

Second order of business is to find out if you can get a court appointed attorney, or find a no or low cost atty to help you with the EPO. This attorney may also have suggestions for getting help for your mother.

"What happens if the plaintiff fails to appear in court for a restraining order?"

"If the Plaintiff does not show up for the trial and the Defendant does appear, if the Defendant asks, the Court may dismiss the case without prejudice. ... If the Plaintiff does refile the case and again fails to appear at trial, the Small Claims Rules say the Court may dismiss with case with prejudice."

This link https://www.tippecanoe.in.gov/841/Default-Judgment explains a lot about what happens at the hearing. DO NOT MISS the hearing yourself! Whether she goes or not, BE THERE!

Despite others suggesting you should take her car keys, find a way back in, talk with doc, etc., I think you know none of this is possible. Before EPO is resolved, you should NOT consider any of these suggestions. You *might* be able to make some headway with APS, but given the EPO they may not listen to you. Can you call in an anonymous report? If you can find a pay phone, use that, not your own. Given that she skips her appointments, lies to the doc, took you off as rep/HIPPA, plus already reported to the doc she doesn't take her meds, it sounds like that might be a useless avenue. Same as with APS, they may dismiss anything you say while the EPO is current, but you could try contacting them by phone and report that she is alone and in distress, and you can't help her.

I suspect your mother reported this by phone, so no one really checked on her or the situation that well. Given her age, they would likely just grant it. Generally these are temporary orders, pending a court hearing, to protect the person requesting it. Each person should get to voice their side at the hearing.

More than likely she won't show (just like the doc or follow up appts), BUT document what you can about her behavior (skipping meds, doc appts, driving on revoked license, dementia, etc), all that you wrote in your profile, and include her penchant for lies accusing you of theft and physical abuse. Leave out the part about not really getting along - clearly this is HER issue, since she has alienated everyone else already!

IF she doesn't show, they may just dismiss the order. BUT, don't let it drop there - ASK the judge what options there are for her. Plead with the judge if you have to! Since she often mistreats you, explain that going back won't be an option for you, otherwise this will just happen again. Stress that she is an elder in need and should not be alone. Stress that you just want to ensure that she gets the care and supervision that she needs! She lives alone, with dementia and continues to drive - it's a matter of time before something bad happens to her (or someone else!) - they should be able to recommend something.

IF the EPO is dismissed, keep all documentation just in case any place of employment asks about it. You'll want the proof that it was dismissed.

The police are obviously not trained in elder issues such as dementia/alzheimer's. I would contact her DR and have him give you a note to show the police her state of mind and these things can happen with her being this way. After you are back in the house you need to get her evaluated for sure and then be her POA, DPOA, all that stuff. You need written proof to back yourself up!

Contact an attorney and your mother's physician. Also call Adult Protective Services.

Call adult protective services and they will evaluate. You have problems as to caregiving to your mother. APS can help you ...let them evaluate you and see if you are able to make a change in your abilities. If she is driving with revoked call the police and get her off the streets. Get her keys before she kills someone. when you describe her behaviors...you are not functioning as a caregiver. You also have relationship issues that have been unresolved. You can refuse to leave and without a court order she can not evict you. Get into the "have to" mode and get back into the house and tell her "she has to" and use the cousel of the APS worker. If you are a "unsafe caregiver" you will be told if aps person thinks you are safe. You obviously need help in imposing rules for her physical and medical saftey. You absolutely have to be with her at doctors and together he and you can manage her meds.

Use this time to focus on the outcome that is needed for each of you. Sounds like your mother needs help, psychological help and the tables are turned. You can overcome a false accusation and turn the table around. It is not uncommon for someone with diminishing capacity to lash out at a caregiver and find blame. It is unfortunate that calling the police is something she felt compelled to do and this has negatively impacted you. You are in a tough position but it is important you realize this is temporary and a time to advocate for your mother or walk away. It's up to you. Your mother is at risk for being assessed as well for living safely alone.

First of course is finding stable ground for yourself so you can address the EPO. If you need your personal belongings the police should be present for a civil standby. Hopefully you have done some of the below:
1. Contact her primary doctor.
2. Answer to the incident that led to to the EPO which sounds like maybe a disagreement about her revoked driving license. Provide background of your mother's current disposition which you described: medical issues, missed appointments, driving capacity, emergency room use. Give a full description of what help she needs and you have provided.
3. Is APS involved. If not, you might want to contact them and give them the same background information as the answer to the EPO.
4. I am not sure if you can ask the police to do a Wellness Check on your mother, but that would be in her best interest.
5. Consider getting an emergency temporary conservatorship with the court filed and serve after the EPO is resolved. If your mother needs help, you can help her otherwise the state may take over at some point.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is sad that the person you are trying to help is not able to comprehend reality. This, as with other examples, makes me realize that I am truly blessed. My mom moved in with me and within 2 months decided I was trying to do things to mess with her, etc. She also has dementia. She up and left and moved in with a friend. It hurt me immensely at the time because I had spent a lot of time and effort to get her here. But now, I am thinking it was all a blessing to me emotionally and financially. God it there and He knows what He is doing. If your mom wants you gone, then it is time to move on. She is not able to understand ANYTHING. I think, in my experience, they become very "self" aware and that's all they think about. How you are trying to "trick" and "fool" her. Which is probably not true, but you, nor anyone else can convince her of anything. Praying for you and your mom.

First, you need to explain what's going on to the police. Tell them that her license is revoked so they can pull her over if they see her. She is a hazard to other drivers. Is there any way that you can disable her car so that it won't drive or else hide her car key?
Then you absolutely need to talk with her doctor and tell him/her what is going on. Is she on medicine for her dementia? If not, maybe the doctor can prescribe something.
I'm surprised that she has been going to the doctor by herself ... you need to be the extra set of ears to hear instructions and also speak up. If she objects, then nod or shake your head as she talks to make sure the doctor knows what is "really" going on. They are very used to family members accompanying elderly patients into the examination room.

The same thing happened to me only I don't live with him, my dad pulled knives on me and reported me and I got orders to stay away (he's 100 years old & still difficult). Two options have her declared incompetent but that's time consuming and expensive as you both would have to have neurological tests done and lawyers. You can't make your mom do anything she doesn't want to do and she will continue to be able to make complaints about you and the law and State agencies will take her side unless she is considered incompetent. She is protected under Elder Laws. The other is to try to get her on Medicaid if you haven't already and get aids to take care of her and step away. There is no perfect solution for you to continue living with her if she has dementia on top of her baked in difficult personality; you will stay on the merry-go-round It's not easy to back away but that may be the best way to help her and keep your sanity.

What on earth is an EPO? Why can't people spell words out so people understand? I know she is her mother but she has dementia and is doing things that are totally wrong, wrong, wrong AND SHE IS DESTROYING YOU - THE ONLY ONE WHO HELPS HER. That is simply unacceptable. You do not allow this. First of all, document everything in writing. You must find an attorney - some will help you free for a consultation. Contact the police, the medical people, aging professionals - all of them. Just the fact that her beh. Were someone to do this to me, I would walk away - please seek help from anyone who can listen and beg for a couch until you sort this out. She should be removed and locked up in a facility.

Condolences for your situation Unfortunately an attorney is the person to contact.
That EPO has a court date, to prepare for that court session, document everything that you have been doing.

The temporary/emergency EPO legally blocks you from contacting her or caring for her. If you are concerned, your attorney will advise how to proceed.
At this point if you contact her or anyone to "check on her," then you will be in violation of that EPO; if she tries to drive, it's out of your hands. If she crashes her car, then ... there's nothing you can do.

As mentioned your next move is to contact an attorney and to locate a different place to live. You're not legally allowed to contact her if your mother is missing appointments, then her doctors will need to be documenting their concerns.

Since you have an EPO, then you're not technically supposed to know anything that is happening with her post-EPO.

BUT if she is a danger to herself and others, the State will eventually step-in. Eventually the ER will discharge her into a nursing home.

If she is abusing the ER system then, the ER will catch onto her abuse, informally she will be deemed as a "regular."
If she has been diagnosed with dementia, but she can file an EPO, then that Dementia diagnosis will be questioned, by a judge (who is unfamiliar with Dementia).
There's not much you can do other than contacting an attorney, and finding a different place to live.

So sorry for your situation. Good advice about seeking out APO & legal aide lawyer. One other thing that you can do is to call her doctor & relay the fact that she's non compliant with her meds, driving, etc. as they may not exchange any info (HIPPA). Do you have any friends that you can stay with until you can get some things worked out. Good luck
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The most frustrating thing about caring for a loved one is accepting that, for better or worse, it is their life and their decision. It sounds like you’ve been imposing your decisions over their objections. Support is just that, support. If you cannot do that, please seek out an agency who will and step back.

Is there anyone that can check on your mother? A neighbor, friend, other family member? Dementia is a terrible disease. Praying they find a way to help those with it soon. I'm not certain how much you can do with the EPO until your court date. But your mom needs help and so do you. In our state you can call 211 to find out what help is available. They can give you information on shelters, legal advice, food banks in your area. You are in a terrible dilemma and need help ASAP.

Are you able to get a police person to go inside with you to get your belongings? Get you belongings and get a storage unit until you find a place to live. Send a letter to her doctor of things she has done or still doing so the doctor can give you a letter stating that she can no longer live alone. Give a couple weeks for doctor to get and review letter but in the meantime make her a doctors appointment and go with her to her to the appointment, so if she lies you can correct. In your letter state that you would like doctor to recommend having her checked out for memory issues with a neurologist. They may want to do a MRI along with testing. If she fails that you can get a letter from them too. These letters will carry a lot of weight and then contact Adult Services or Dept of Aging and when they arrive show them the letter/letter's and explain you can no longer take care of her, due to her constantly calling police on you. If they deem that she needs additional help then let them make decision that she should be placed and where. Don't feel guilty, because she will continue to deteriorate and she will not be able to live alone and take comfort that you took care of her the best you could.

Write mother a letter explaining your concerns. Ask her if it is ok to come and talk with her a certain day and time. She may realize you both need each other in your lives. If that does not work and she truly is incapacitated petition the court for guardianship after discussion with her doctor and mother if possible. Give her the chance to try to work with you first before getting Probate court involved. If mother doesn’t want you as guardian the Judge may appoint a professional guardian and you and mother will have no say of whatever the guardian wants to do as where she lives, monies/estate, whether you can see her or not etc.

Just wondering if you have a relative or friend to stay with until you can afford to get your own place. If you can’t get anything done through your Mom’s doctor, then there is little you can do if she banned you from her home. Wait her out for up to 4 weeks and she will end up needing you because if she isn’t taking her meds, she will end up in the hospital anyway. You need to get out of this toxic atmosphere anyway. You didn’t mention her age. If she is truly elderly, you would be successful going to a government agency like another poster on here said and telling them she can’t take care of herself and contact the police if she no longer has a valid driver’s license but out putting others’ lives in danger. Maybe have a witness with you about the dementia. This is a big downside of moving in with a parent and you become as dependent on them as they are on you. Your case is not unusual. Case worker will give you advice.

See if you can talk with court clerk of judge who signed the order and explain what you did here. Be sure to tell them recent argument started over her driving on revoked license and the unexplained dents in car. You might also want to call Adult Protective and explain this situation. All involved need to know the house is your primary residence and you have provided care and oversight.

Records would show when she last filled RX versus how many pills on hand and verify she is not taking the meds. Doctor could also use this info to verify she is not telling him the truth. Abuse of the ER will show many trips for medical care and probably very few times that they keep her. If she is going to ER complaining of pain just to get pain meds, that will also help people understand the situation.

You probably need an attorney to defend you when the order goes to court for hearing. Often orders are for limited period, a hearing determines if it will be extended. You can ask for a court appointed atty if you have no money to pay.

You do need to get out of your car. Do you have any friends or relatives anywhere who could give you a couch to sleep on until this is resolved? There are shelters, however with covid that may be too risky. Maybe rent a room in area that would be much cheaper than hotel rate.

Maybe this was already mentioned. I suggest calling the Dept in Aging In your area and share you concerns about her needs that won’t be met if you aren’t there. They can assess and offer services. If she can make decisions, even if bad ones, they might not be able to do anything. But you have done what you can to make sure she is safe. At this point you will probably have to plan on living elsewhere at least for now.

When my husband began to do very strange things, I wrote a letter to his doctor explaining what he was doing. It resulted in big changes in his meds, which did a lot to bring a difference. I'd do that, and since you lived with her and yet care about her, you can write kindly. Tell the MD that she isn't taking her meds (my hubby was taking them too often), that you know she lies to them (I assume you have been with her when she kept appts.?).
The other problem is being kicked out of the house. Are your personal items there? Go to the judge who granted the EPO and ask for an aide to accompany you to get the items that are yours (put them in storage if you have to) and find a friend who will let you crash on the couch while you look for something more permanent.
Sooner or later this will catch up to her and she'll realize she needs you. Or a different living arrangement, like AL.

Where do you live, I mean city/State? I am so sorry you are going through this, I understand your fear of walking away even though she pushed you away, as I suppose your petrified what will happen to her now without you. Do you have any siblings?🤔

I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. It is so hard when you try to help your mom and she refuses it, and you see what she keeps others from seeing. My husband and I were the only ones who saw how bad my mom is because we live in the same state and everyone else sees her maybe once a year. So when we thought she shouldn’t be alone we tried to take steps to make it happen. We discovered that she only went to her neurologist when she was having a good day so he never saw her issues, otherwise she would cancel the appt. so of course, he said she was fine to live alone. Other family said “better a few months of her enjoying her independence than forced somewhere else where she is always unhappy. I had to step back because of no support. 18 months later I found her on her shower floor and Drs say she was there at least 2 days. While in hospital I took over her affairs and discovered how much she had neglected and how much of her bills were either paid several of the same payment or none at all which were several months past due; and her meals consisted largely of ice cream, candy and chocolate wine??! And she was living close to as a hermit - not enjoying her independence or having any kind of life, but only happy about the fact that no one was telling her what to do. I kick myself for not being more assertive about her being on her own. She is now in a nursing home and going mentally down hill even faster, and I have so much work to do for her. Had we persevered then, she’d have had a better life and I wouldn’t be as burdened with fixing everything now. And to top it off, my brother who pushed for her independence the most has since died and now can’t even grieve him properly because anger seeps in from him pushing me to let her live her own life. So I encourage you to seek legal recourse through an elder lawyer before she becomes even more of a burden on you and they should be able to help you resolve your living arrangements as well. If you are a believer in the God of the Bible, He promises that if you seek Him and ask for wisdom, He will give you an abundance. But then you have to act on the wisdom. Unfortunately I didn’t act on what I knew was right the first time. And if you are not a believer, God promises that if you seek Him with your whole heart, you will find him - then you can ask for His wisdom. May He bless you through this terrible journey

would a social worker to make a care assessment help?

I read your story in detail. If the case is so bad, move on with your life, get a job and a home of your own. Move on......