My sister says “I live in the boonies”. Our mom prefers to stay home (at my house where she lives). My sister wants mom to come stay with her some. My mom doesn’t want to but my sister gets her feelings hurt and in return (unintentionally I’m sure) my sister hurts my mom’s feelings saying things like “I guess you don’t like my house, or seeing me, or seeing my grandkids" so to avoid all this I try not to ask my sister for anything. But lately mom has had more problems and health issues and I don’t want to leave her home alone. My husband and I were wanting to go on a trip for 6 days. I asked my sister if there was anyway she could come stay with mom at our house. My sister said she would rather mom stay with her. I feel stuck in the middle. I have tried several times to explain to my sister that our mom would rather be at home with her room, bed, lift chair, bathroom, stuff etc but my sister feels mom should be as comfortable going back and forth as just staying at my house and my sister takes it personal that mom feels like this. My mom doesn’t help the situation because she doesn’t want to hurt my sisters feelings and have my sister get upset so mom will give in and go stay with my sister if I need her to. Anyone else deal with these issues with siblings? Thanks
The other sister expected me to be raxi service; pick her up at airport, take her to NH, pick her up when I got off work and take her to my house. In the morning, I had to take her to the NH on my way to work (which it wasn't) and pick her up when I got off.
I never got a day off until my hubby volunteered to go on Saturday and Sunday.
You probably need the 6 day vacation. Tell sis to come and get all of the things your mom uses each day and you'll deliver mom in your car if everything doesn't fit into her car. Let her figure it out for 6 days and she may come to realize what you're talking about. She will have more work on her hands of her own doing. Mom will be fine for a week. Sis will be exhausted - and that's a good thing. Hauling all the crap over that mom needs and then returning it PLUS the week of care might be just what sis needs to temper her obstinacy a little.
As for mom, just tell her you really want this vacation and sis/her family are looking forward to being with her. Let it happen!!!
The caregivers' NEED is. And as the sister is willing to help, it is possible that the need can be stretched out some years so that SHE can enjoy some time with her own spouse, her own children and g/c if there are any.
Some of what I hear on this site with elders gaslighting their children is unreal. I was brought up not to deal with this, and so were my sisters, and we deal with my elderly parents just fine because we all know that they won't gaslight us. We KNOW that it's an imperative for them not to be a burden on us, and not just whining about it for sympathy points.
Fecal incontinence, yelling, falls, etc. and they will be the ones reaching out to us to perhaps help them find culturally/language carers (we don't speak the language) and beyond that an ALF.
I think a lot of these seniors are extremely entitled.
Your sister WANTS your mom in her home. Imagine if nobody did.
OP, it is normative for seniors even without dementia to do the tears and tantrum thing or pull some passive aggressiveness. Same with their caregivers, no offense.
Sister wants to help, let her take on your mom. This way, both of you will have a fully shared understanding of where mom stands and what needs to be done with her in the future. Which, since she can't do for herself, is your choice. And your sisters.
Oh wait, you're in it...
#1. Do you like all the drama? Some thrive on it - I don't judge, makes life interesting.
But if you don't.. try stepping back a bit emotionally.
So Mom prefers to stay in her familiar home? Sure. So Mom speaks to Sis about that DIRECTLY. Because right now, you have been 'triangulated' into their drama show. Bow out. Watch from the audience.
# 2. Mom wants something. Does this mean you always NEED to make it happen? Like, what happens if Mom doesn't get her own way? Tears & tantrums?
#3 the person helping gets to help in the way THEY want. I just watched Pretty Woman again.. "we say who, we say when, we say how much". Exactly. If Sis says she will help but in her home only - take it or leave it. Well - she can.
Many of us are 'empaths' & soak up too much of other people's emotions. Would you be in this category do you think?
Mom isn't the only one that matters and she needs to go to your sisters house for you to get a break.
Letting the senior run the show is why caregivers are worn to nubs.
Your mother as well as your sister can get an idea of how things may go with sister as carer and sister’s house without all the arrangements. You and sister might arrange to get the lift, commode, whatever, transferred between the houses for the respite period, or to hire anything essential.
But it’s not a good idea to work on the basis that mother can’t be moved out of your house!
You're asking your sister to leave her family, husband and home for nearly a week to do six days' unpaid work. It isn't a small request. I can't blame her for saying no.
So, ask somebody else. An agency should be able to provide a live-in caregiver for those days.
Do you know how many people here would give their eyeteeth for a sibling offering to take a parent into their home on a regular bases so the primary CG can get a much needed break?
I understand that there might be some logistical considerations with moving mom to your sister's home, but it's six days! Unless mom is in deep, deep dementia, take your sister up on her kind and generous offer, pack a bag for mom and go on your much needed vacation! Because if you keep balking at the offer, eventually your sister is going to take it off the table, and then you're looking at a facility for mom if you need respite. And if she's balking at going to her other child's home, how do you think she'll respond to a nursing home or similar facility for respite for you?
Giving an elder too many choices at this stage of the game only confuses them. Presenting these two homes as her new living arrangement and as a WONDERFUL thing is the way to go. If your sister needs to purchase some items to accommodate her mother's needs while she stays with her, then she'll learn that when mother comes to stay.
Every mother should be so lucky to have such a situation at play!