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My mom is the strongest person that I knew, she had a very strict living will stating that if she was in a position where she could no longer have a meaningful quality of life and could not contribute to her own medical decisions that she wanted. All medication stopped, and she wanted to be put on comfort care.



She has been in and out of assisted-living for the past two years, because she kept falling and breaking bones like her hip her pelvis, her spine, her arm, her collarbone, it was relentless she was supposed to be living with me and my husband, instead of down the street at assisted living.



Throughout the last two years, she would have episodes of psychosis that would last for months, she was institutionalized multiple times, it was horrible. I can’t even count how many times she ended up in the hospital because she was having delusions related to UTIs, after she had broken her hip she’ll become incontinent, and very very prone to UTIs. It was so bad that she was on prophylactic antibiotics, and we had opted to have a relatively new procedure done where she would have electrical implants to help stimulate her bladder, so that it would work properly. It never really did, and instead she was colonized with bacteria as a result of the constant antibiotics.



This past June, she just went completely delusional and was in the hospital through August. At this point a CT scan showed that she had had possibly multiple small strokes but at least one lacunar stroke. ECTs had shown significant slowing down in her brain activity, and she was given a diagnosis of vascular dementia on top of the stroke which caused emotional disregulation and memory problems and aphasia, she also was now wheelchair bound, as she had filled out at physical therapy and occupational therapy because she could not retain the information she was given anymore.



When she was released in the hospital in August, she qualified for hospice care, so I went for it. Within the first month she had two UTIs that I had them treat, she maybe had a week in between each infection again looking at her living will, she specify things like antibiotics should be stopped. At this point it just seemed like her quality of life was so awful, she would get so confused and so paranoid, that I made the decision when she got a third UTI to not treat it.



She passed away last Friday and I cannot stop thinking that I hurt her or let her down that I should’ve done something more. It feels kind of absurd, thinking that when I look at everything I’ve written, but I still just feel such immense guilt.

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It's tough to make those huge decisions and not know if they're the correct ones or not. I did the same with my mother when I decided with the hospice nurse to withdraw her meds when it became clear they weren't working any longer. My mother died about three weeks later after weirdly taking a bit of a turn for the better, so I often wonder if we should have taken her off the meds sooner just to give her more time without all that stuff coursing through her veins.

The thing to remember is that her own body did this, not you. You were just involved in trying to stave off the inevitable.

One thing's for certain -- we might win the occasional battle, but death always wins in the end.

You're grieving, and the feeling of guilt is natural but not deserved. You'll get through this.
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Brokenbear Nov 2023
Wow I mean this in all sincerity but the line about how her body did this and I was just trying to fight the inevitable really helped a lot. Thank you
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Your mom made it clear what she wanted when her mind was still okay. You honored her wishes, and speaking as a mom, I’m sure she’d be proud of you.

You did the right thing. I wish you peace.
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“I feel like she should still be here”. My preferred after-death story was Australian Aboriginal, that the person’s identity (‘soul’?) stays close watching for a while. Sometimes closer, sometimes drifting away. Over time they drift away into the dark skies, but they can still keep a watch on you. And sometimes they can still come very close. Enjoy feeling that she is sometimes close! She still IS here. That’s the way I feel about my dear mother.
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A Letter from Heaven

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I’m not here to see, if the sun should rise and find your eyes, filled with tears for me.

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry, the way you did today, while thinking of the many things, we didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you, and each time you think of me, I know you miss me too.

When tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart, for every time you think of me, I’m right there in your heart.

Brokenbear,

I recently lost my brother, so I am grieving also. I found this poem to be so sweet and comforting. I hope that you do too.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. You were her champion and you did well by her. Grieve for the loss of your mother, but don’t torment yourself second guessing yourself. Your mother would not want that.

You are a loving daughter and decent person.
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Brokenbear Nov 2023
Thank you. I just I know on some level I tried so hard. But tonight it just hit me that somehow I didn’t do enough because I feel like she should still be here. But you are right she wouldn’t want this, she made me her healthcare proxy because she trusted me to do the right thing, and I have to remember that
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My mother was offered the option of more treatment (chemotherapy for come-back cancer). She asked out how long she would live after it, and then immediately refused it. She came back home, I moved in with her, and she died a month later. It was what she wanted. I was proud of both of us. You should be proud of both of you, too.
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Oh honey. No, there is no guilt here. You did everything but flip the world upside down to help your mother. Your devotion, tenacity and undying love were all incredible and rarely seen.

Please give yourself time to adjust. You are accustomed to the continual adrenaline push and now that it's gone, perhaps you feel the loss.

You did everything possible for your mom. Now is the time for you to decompress and feel a sense of relief that your mom is no longer suffering.

Bless you
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What you're feeling is grief and not guilt as you've done nothing wrong. You did the very best you could under the circumstances and that is all any of us can do.
You know that your mom would not have wanted to continue on as she was and if you had decided to treat that third UTI, she would have had to continue living in her confused and paranoid state and that my dear is not living...it's existing.
So rejoice that your mom is now at peace and is whole again. And know that she is very proud of you and how you handled things for her.
Don't worry....your mom will still be looking out for you from above. I hope and pray that you'll get some comfort from that.
God bless you.
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Guilt infers responsibility. One should feel guilt only if they CAUSED the problems, or could have FIXED them and did not.
That doesn't apply to you.
You didn't cause the problems and you couldn't have fixed them.
The correct G-word for what you are experiencing is "GRIEF".
Words we tell ourselves matter. They set up a chronic circular path in our brains that we can endlessly travel, doing our loved one no honor by that, and doing ourselves great injury.

Experts who deal with grief indicate that often we find a way to prevent ourselves from entering GRIEF because of the dread fear of its loss and finality.
We will do anything to prevent ourselves looking at and accepting loss.
So we choose to lay blame. Often on a hospital or a medical person; sometimes on ourselves.
This works to divert us from feeling the loss.

Your mother was "of an age" but more than that she was suffering dreadfully, and you just did something you would be ASSIGNED to do in a grieving workshop, and is to list in writing the things that took your mother, the things she was SUFFERING.
Doing this allows us to acknowledge that the things that occurred were not our failure, but were a part of what can/often does happen in life, especially at the end of life. And it acknowledges and embraces the PAIN our loved one was going through. Sometimes that helps us to be relieved for them, to know they had no more fear and dread and pain to go through, and were free of that as they wanted to be free of it. As my Dad told me, he so longed for the last long nap. He was exhausted from living, despite the fact he had had a very good long life.

I hope you will continue to either join grieving workshop, get grief counseling, or do your own work as you have already started, so you can come to the place where you can celebrate the good times your Mom had in life, and be RELIEVED that her suffering is offer, and you no longer must stand as a helpless witness to her awful pain.

My heart goes out to you. I truly believe you will heal and feel the relief of your Mom's freedom from so much pain. I honestly cannot imagine the crucible she had to go through to find peace.
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I’m so sorry for your loss of your beloved mother.

Please know that you did your very best in this difficult situation. You aren’t at fault for her suffering or her death.

She loved you and you loved her. The memories of that love will live on in your heart forever.
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