My MIL had a psychotic break of sorts, was in a psych hospital for three weeks then transferred to memory care at AL. My husband has terrific feelings of guilt and anger at the situation and just about everything. She was living with us but after this event we could not care for her any more. He feels he has “warehoused” her. She gets emotional when she sees him, especially when she has to go back to her room. I can understand his feelings, and it hurts to see him this way. I can visit her once or twice a week, but she really wants to see him more. I have the feeling his not going makes him feel bad, too, but he can’t seem to make himself go, especially alone. I was worried about his health before this happened, as they would get into terrible arguments/yelling matches. Now I’m worried about his mental state. Getting him into counseling would be good, but he’s a stubborn man. 🙄
Well we here shall do what councelling we can.. for you.. to maybe try out on his stubbornness!
The below article is more burnout but also explains the 'fix it mentality'. Maybe your DH has this?
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-leads-to-burnout-152629.htm
This is for your comment on my post. I have to say that was clever. Making a secret visit to your mother's care facility without her knowing just to observe. Very clever. I think the OP should try this and if it turns out her MIL is adjusting, her husband should then do the same. Maybe it will help him get over his guilt about placing his mother.
This type of relationship is groomed over a lifetime; and it sounds like your MIL has used guilt and histrionics to control her son. He may not be able to distinguish his feelings from his mother's feelings.
For instance: What if your MIL perked up and smiled and said that she was enjoying her new living arrangements and told your husband to LIVE. I'll just bet that it would be a boulder of guilt off his shoulders. The problem arises when he and his mother don't have healthy boundaries.
(I'm also enmeshed with my mother who lives with me. It took me over half a century to recognize and understand the dynamic between us and it's a daily struggle not to get drawn into HER emotions. I've read the book by Cloud and Townsend about Boundaries and it helped tremendously. But my mother will try to cross every boundary and I set. Plus, she has dementia and can't really distinguish that what she's doing is unhealthy.)
Peace and blessings.
P.S. FaceTime Mom everyday and that will give her something to look forward too. You can give them some time together each day and you can step in to say hello and cheer her up. Husband will see that the placement is necessary, not punitive.
Prayers for you and yours
I spoke with medical staff on a regular basis, but only spoke with my family member once during that time.
And I started counseling again in order to protect my own mental health.
OP for your husband, if he is going to visit his Mum, he has to put some boundaries in place. If Mum starts into him, he is allowed to leave. He should not have to go alone, he needs a buffer.
As far as warehousing her, he needs to reposition in his mind what is happening. Mum is in a place where she has access to professional care, care that you were not equipped to offer in your own home. You have your family home back without the shouting and chaos brought on by her behaviour.
It is funny there are many times in our youth when we spend time in group settings, yet few refer to warehousing of children. Daycare, preschool, school, residential private school, summer camps, university residences or dorms. Many of these are looked at as being beneficial to young people, giving them access to opportunities that they would not have if they stayed home all day. Yet when a senior is put into a setting where they get professional care, have access to daily activities to stimulate their minds and bodies, have medical staff on call, we use derogatory terms to describe the situation.
That is a fantastic way to think of the situation! It can make one proud of placing their LO in a professional care venue, rather than feeling like a failure for ‘having’ to do so.
Brava!
I read on this forum that guilt is often grief, in disguise.
It is so hard to lose the parent that you knew and watch that loved one become someone who has a damaged brain.
Asking about his feelings is likely to distress him, nobody likes to admit being ashamed for yelling at an old person OR the relief that she is no longer in your home. When she says she wants to go 'home", think of it as a wish to return to her own 'former self'. Not possible.
He may be most comfortable with very short visits, to start. Can he go with you to a visit, spend time alone in the car and read or go for a walk or whatever, and then go in to join you at the visit for the last 10 minutes or so? Then you both say your goodbyes and go along. That worked for my husband, when his mom was first placed in a nursing home.
There was a poster who's DH suffered terrible guilt over his Mother & the NH situation.
Was a practical man, a born fixer, so wife keep pointing out the facts.
Fact #1 Mother had aged. Had Vas Dementia, recent # hip, CCF + much more.
Fact #2 No way he could prevent any of that from happening.
Fact #3 Mother required 24/7 care.
Fact #4 He worked full-time.
Fact #5 He was a builder. Had no medical training/skills.
So, he eventually was able to realise it was not HIM that put her in the NH.
Couldn't bring himself to visit very often as his heart rebroke every time. DID manage to visit if wife went along too, to bring cheer, treats etc. Otherwise he was sunk low by the Misery Show.
Years go by & she dies.
Then he TORTURES himself he did not visit enough!!!
I hope the OP reads this aloud.
p s it did get hard to pull up in the parking lot and know this is where he will spend the rest of his life and it was your fault. maybe there is some support groups he could join.
Maybe you arranged the NH but you are not at 'fault'?
I'll rephrase for you;
It was the 'fault' of the TIAs/brain bleeds (strokes).
The strokes caused injury to his brain, reducing his ability to live independantly.
In addition, he should visit for the sake of his mother. She needs someone to check in and advocate on her behalf. Placing your loved one in a facility does NOT mean just dropping them off, and forgetting about them. You visit for their sake.
You say that they used to get into terrible arguments and yelling matches. Part of your husband's guilt is because he's relieved and even pleased that his mother is no longer living with the two of you. He likely feels guilty and ashamed because that's his mother and we are all conditioned to be loving and obedient to our parents no matter how they treat us. It's our fault if we don't obediently and joyously accept our elderly parents' terrible behavior. All too often when a parent gets placed they can be adjusting very well to their new environment and even making friends. The minute their kids visit they turn on the hysterics, negativity, and misery. That happens all the time. Many people limit the visits or stop them altogether for just this reason. They are not wrong.
Your DH needs to know that he is not alone and anyone who's ever had an elderly parent living with them who they had to place has had the same feelings about it your husband is having.
Tell him he didn't do anything wrong and he's not wrong if he can't visit her for a while. Tell him over and over again if you have to until it sticks. In the meantime you continue visiting her. Maybe in time your husband can start having short phone calls or Facetime visits with her while you're visiting her. That might help because this way he won't have to deal with her getting emotional or hysterical when it's time for her to go back to her room. This might help.
Burnt, spot on!
I suspected this so snuck up & observed first one day..
Sprung! I saw joining in, smiling even laughing.
Then I 'arrive' into view: quick face change to sad face.. "oh it's terrible here".
I get we can all be more 'real' with our supportive people & show some of our true feels: saddness, anger, fear. But some do put on a 'show', The Misery Hour.
Does it help to put more guilt on a person about not visiting? The OP's husband and herself have punished themselves enough with the guilt.
Sometimes it's better for the elder who has been placed to not see certain people for a while so they can acclimate to their new environments. The MIL dumps on the OP's husband (her son) whenever he visits. When the visit ends she brings the hysterics, negativity, misery, and abusive guilt. He should stay away or limit the visits to phone or Facetime until she improves.
Beatty is right. They should make a secret visit to the facility and not visit. Just observe. It could very well be that the OP's MIL has adjusted well and may be enjoying some things the facility offers.
And sharing a meal together is a piece of advice I always give to those who find visiting difficult, it takes some of the pressure of coming up with things to talk about away because there is always something to comment on in the dining room, and the end of the meal is an obvious time to kiss goodbye and leave.
My father LOVED his five years living in an ALF - he would repeatedly tell me if was the best part of his life.
Don't try to add to his feelings of helplessness, if it is that. It may be a sense of failure that he just couldn't do it any longer, especially if he is one of those "I just have to fix it men". Maybe not counseling, maybe he would attend a caregiver support group if you went with him. In my area there is a group that is just for men which may be helpful.
I am afraid that you are just going to have to sit back and be patient. Have you thought about counseling for yourself to gather information and ideas to help him? Possibly to become couple's counseling to explore ways to support each other through this journey, whatever that may look like.
I’m doing my best not to feel guilty that I visit less and less. They don’t seem to care if I see them, so it is my internal guilt feelings, and I need to let it go. I have told my sister if they want to see me, just call, and I call every week. They don’t ever call me or ask to see me, so my summer plans are to enjoy being healthy, enjoy summer cause we live in winter mostly, and do nothing to upset my caregiving sister, so when they do need help, she will ask for it.
I hope your husband will try to go see his parents. You both did your best to take care of mom. But her needs are too great. I will never open my door to my mom and dad, so if it doesn’t work out, until the end in their home, with the daughter that’s never left their home, I will feel no guilt. My parents did not care for their parents either. I love them very much, but what they ask of my youngest sister is so much, and they never asked me. Not my fault.