My husband still knows me and we look forward to seeing each other. I visit him about every other day. He has balance issues and uses a walker. I am hoping to make our anniversary special to both of us. There is a spiritual retreat within 2 mi of where he lives. He still wants to come home with me. Am I opening a can of worms to spend the night with him? I take him out occasionally for a special lunch or a drive in the country and he does fine. Thank you
He’s in MC because he was probably too much for you to handle alone. Remember what that was like? You’d be setting yourself up for a special day gone BAD.
Congratulations on your anniversary!
The most you should do is a special lunch and drive . Bring him back before evening and sundowning begins .
I bet the administration would take pics, too!
Be aware that as his Dementia increases, you may no longer be able to take him out.
Refreshing to see compassion and concern instead of isolation.
You are probably the best person to judge if the night out gets out of hand or is deteriorating.
If you are wanting our reassurance that this cannot "go wrong" we can't give that. It "may" go wrong. But even if it does, you will have tried something you truly want to do.
An overnight is different than lunch out, but if you feel your husband can do this without sad repercussions, it is your right to try it. I do not think I myself would do so. This is where you are now, you and your husband. You are in a different place. You have good memories and I can clearly see a lot of love.
So, basically, up to you and what you think would be best. I would discuss with those who run his facility and get their insight here.
I would not choose to do this due to the confusion it may bring on.
As AlvaDeer said…you know your husband better than anyone else. It is ultimately your decision.
one option could be to take him out to your favorite restaurant during a time that the restaurant is not really busy and crowded, as the noise and distractions could produce some anxiety. You want the outing to be pleasant for your husband.
Your intentions are really sweet, but it’s likely going to mess him up. Dementia patients— especially in MC— tend to not do well when they are taken out of their routines.
If you do it, talk with staff and do it for a short period in the morning. Don’t wear him out and get him back by say 3 p.m.
One important stable for a person with advanced dementia is:
1. Familiar surroundings
2. People (staff, you) even if they forget
3. The constant is extremely important to keep the person as calm as possible - to avoid unnecessary overwhelm, confusion, fear, stress.
"Bring the party" celebration to him.
That he 'does fine' when you take him out for an occasional lunch / drive surprises me although I certainly wouldn't push it with an overnight trip.
My heart goes out to you.
Read / call Teepa Snow. She is one of the country's leading experts on dementia. You can take on-line webinars, watch her You Tubes, buy her books.
Gena / Touch Matters
Spending the night with your husband to celebrate your anniversary sounds like a beautiful idea. Since he does well on outings and still recognizes and looks forward to seeing you, it could be a meaningful experience for both of you. However, it’s important to consider his safety and comfort, especially with his balance issues.
To ease your concerns, you might hire a seasoned caregiver to assist with the overnight stay. They can help manage his needs, ensuring both of you can focus on enjoying the time together without worrying about any potential challenges.
By planning ahead and having extra support, you can create a special and memorable anniversary while ensuring your husband remains safe and well-cared for.
And do not bring him to the retreat for an overnight.
If you want to take him out for dinner that would be alright and you can ask for the meal to be packed to go if he should decide that he wants to go...now!
If the Retreat is a day one and could be done in a few hours (and that might be pushing it) you could try that but again be ready to leave...Now!
Taking someone out for a special lunch or a drive in the country is one thing, taking them out of their safe environment for an extended time is a whole 'nuther thing.
If you want to spend the night with him you can ask if you can stay with him in the MC room.
Only you know your husband. You don't mention why he is living in a memory care center, or what care is required to meet any physical limitations.
You have some time before November.
I would first spend a night with him at his care facility. This may not be possible if he's in a shared room, or it may prove too uncomfortable for you if you have to sleep in a chair. But it would give you a good idea of whether you can take care of his needs for 24 hours.
If his needs are not too demanding and you are able to manage it, he might really appreciate that you planned a special anniversary get away together.
As many here have pointed out, it could cause confusion or emotional distress for him. Our routines are important to us, and especially so if our brain is not working reliably. We count on that routine to keep us centered. We know where we are, and we feel safe when everything feels familiar.
Think this through thoroughly before you take him out for an overnight. Are you just wistfully trying to recapture the past? As I said, you know what he can handle, and I seriously suggest you spend 24 hours with him at the care facility to get a better idea. You may have to adapt your plans and do something special where he resides.
We will be celebrating 55 in September and I would love to consider something like that. My husband has begun being disoriented in our home even in the daytime so I can only imagine how it may be worse at night in a brand new place.
Things I would consider if my husband were in memory care would be how long he has been there, how he adjusted when he first moved in and what accommodations are being made for him. Try to remember the reasons that you decided a move to MC would be best for him. Depending on how long he has been in MC, all of those reasons have probably progressed. Even if you believe he can handle an overnight, also consider if it is best for you to suddenly be his only caregiver even for only 24 hours.
If you have never been there, visit the facility and grounds prior to reserving to see if it is even practical to go... be sure to consider it through your husband's view. Several years ago, I found what appeared to be nice cabins in the mountains with all meals included. When I made the reservation I specified I could only do it if we could cancel when we arrived if it did not seem appropriate for my husband's limitations. It was beautiful and I really wanted to stay but quickly realized the paths had minor inclines (but too much for someone unstable) and all the cabins had a few steps to get into them. Fortunately someone referred us to a more perfect option nearby and we enjoyed the views without the safety concerns.
Thoughts and prayers go out to you as you weigh the pros and cons of everyone's the suggestions here. No one knows your husband like you do and dementia is very unique for each individual.
If it were me, I would risk the can of worms for a meaningful memory.
After all, it is always later than you think.
Carpe diem as they say
A change in daily routine can cause setbacks in whatever level of independence a dementia sufferer still has. It's not worth the risk.
But that is life all the time
I dont know all the details and dynamics but other than that I would say do it
Cant be cautious all the time, life is short
Going out for a lunch or a drive is not the same thing as having someone with dementia severe enough to have to be in memory care outside their facility for the night. You say he has mobility issues and uses a walker Does he also 'sundown' in the evening hours? Is he incontinent? I ask this because you will be on your own if he flips out because it's getting dark outside, or makes an incontinent mess, or has a fall.
How about instead of spending the night at the spiritual retreat, you bring him for a while during the day? Talk to whoever runs the place ahead of time and explain that you'd be taking your husband out of memory care for your anniversary. If it's a faith-based establishment they'll help you the best they can.
You can still make your anniversary special. 55 years together is pretty special on it's own. How about visiting the retreat early in the day then going out for a special lunch? Or visiting the retreat early and having a special lunch out, then cake at the memory care? Tell the kitchen staff you're bringing a cake and they'll put it in the fridge. Then it can be a bit of a celebration.
You don't have to spend the night somewhere and take a risk to make your anniversary special.
Maybe make a month of special events?
Cake and celebration at the memory care one day.
A week later lunch out and celebration at a restaurant.
A week later 2 hours mid day at the retreat?
I'd talk to both the retreat , memory care, and restaurant in advance.