His mother just passed a few weeks ago and he was picking her up five days a week to take her from Independent Living, to visit Dad in Memory Care. He would also pick up any items she would need. I feel he is getting so burned out, but he denies it. He has four siblings, three in the area. They thank him all the time, but only stop in when it’s convenient for them. Never letting him know they’re going to go to give him a break. This has been going on for over 9 months. They all go on vacations, staycations, etc. I am afraid he’s going to have serious health issues. I’m getting very worried about this, but he gets even more upset when I try to bring it up. He says someone has to make sure Dad is being taken care of. He’s in an excellent facility, and he has a Hospice Case Nurse as well. He also has four adult children and when I tell them I feel he’s too stressed out. They call and ask him to babysit kids under 5? SUGGESTIONS, or am I just being over protective?
Separately, when my Mom was in memory care, I was visiting every day. I didn't visit when I was sure my brother and his wife were going to visit. Sometimes, people need to be hit with a 2X4 to get the message. I spoke with my brother and explained that when he was visiting, I wouldn't go that day and could he please let me know ahead of time. Thankfully, he complied.
Unbeknownst to me . . . my husband spoke with my out of state sister and told her I needed help. He told her I needed more respite and that we still wanted/needed to do some travel. To her credit, she arranged to come up every 4-5 weeks for 3-4 days and visit my Mom each day. We then planned vacations and she would come and stay at my house and visit my Mom each day. It all worked out until my Mom passed. I didn't learn of hubby's conversation with my sister from her and he only told me 2 years after the funeral! My sister did a great job --- but she had to be told what to do.
Can you invite one of the in-laws to coffee/lunch and see if they could coordinate visits better? Can you take over some of the tasks to give him a break?
The sibling that has the healthcare POA knows nothing about health issues, prescriptions, why we could get hospice so soon with Alzheimer’s (he thought it was because they would provide a wheelchair). It’s so frustrating, I’m so knowledgeable and have resources and medical/hospice/doctors/nurses that are very close friends who I can get feedback from, but I have to act like I guess about issues. Even when their Mom passed, he said he had to make sure he got the SSA check cashed ASAP. I calmly and quietly said that the government will require that check be returned, and I know it doesn’t make sense but it’s how it works. He just flatly told me I was wrong. So, I just sat down as I know when I’m in a losing situation. Plus I worked in Benefits for 35 years. Sorry to be venting, but it’s just so frustrating.
Thank you for your wise words, I really appreciate your input.
If your husband is determined to visit his father, trying to dissuade him, even with the best of intentions will only serve to anger him and make him even more determined. It may be comforting to him to visit his dad, even if Dad doesn’t even know he’s there. You might think to call his sibs and tell them they have to pitch in, but if he finds out you did, it will infuriate him. Trust me, they know they’re shirking their responsibilities. But they also know Brother will handle it for them. Perhaps he’s always been the “fixer” in their family. If he wants help, it’s up to him to ask.
Keep his home life calm, peaceful and a refuge for him—not a judgement zone. It won’t last forever.
I can never tell my husband NOT to do something he WANTS to do. or visa versa. (stubborn)
even if I suggest some home improvement thing...he wont listen.
what I have figured out unfortunately is ...
IF its not ~his~ idea then its not going to happen
sometimes if I just wait...he'll figure it out on his own. then he acts like it was his idea all along.
edit PS not saying all spouses are like that...
Those are are good suggestions.