My grandmother wants me to be in control, as long as I do it her way. How do I deal with this?

Some of the other responses made me think about the long term ramifications of this set-up. Their needs will only increase.

Is now the right time to consider AL? Yes you can get services in the home but that’s also a lot of work to oversee.

I think it’s unfair for this to fall on you as a single mom of three kids. Your grandparents are selfish to put this all on you and to be nasty at the same time?

Please call A Place for Mom and see what the options are for AL.

Sending support.

It seems as though you are the only one in the hot seat. What happened to your own parents? To any other offspring or grandchildren of your grandparents? Is everyone dead, or have they decided to opt out of being slaves to the grandparents? Why have you agreed?

Perhaps it would be best to opt out yourself – or make it clear just how much (in fact how little) you are willing to do. Then ask them to work out how they will cope under the new situation. Then start acting according to your new rules. Earplugs and phone blocking can save you from a lot of the abuse that will follow. Eventually they are likely to be willing for a conversation about how to go forward. To get all the worst over at once, suggest that it may involve them selling their house (or quitting their lease etc) and moving somewhere with less tasks and more help.

I would definitely contact your local social services department and explain your situation. They may qualify for in home care with little or no cost depending on their income. I would also make a list in large print of contacts with telephone numbers, Grocery delivery, senior transportation services, house keepers, lawn care, etc. You could get her a mobile help device to wear in case they fall and need emergency help. Get a lock box and place it outside their door in the back and register the combination with the emts, fire department, police, and health care service staff. Print off a large calendar so that they can keep track of their appointments and life. If their house is paid for, doing a reverse mortgage would give them extra money every month to pay for help. Refuse to answer your telephone for a week. Tell them that you had to go out of town for work or whatever you want to say. You need to make them understand your limitations by setting boundaries with them and sticking to it. Good luck and stay strong.

I agree with everyone else that they are not truly your responsibility. Are they paying you? If so, you need a raise and benefits, including paid time off. Are you set to inherit from them, in a way that would make your life easier? Is this in writing? I understand that if you ARE expecting to inherit, maybe you're putting up with this situation because there will be a reward in the end.

In the meantime, I would say to her, "Gram, I know how much you love me and the kids. Given the amount of time and energy I spend on you, I can't be the mom I want to be, and they're my first priority. We need to figure out a way that I can help you and still be there for my kids, because this is not working. You can either: let me do this my way, because you might not want a stranger in here, taking care of you; hire someone to replace me, and I can just visit and we can enjoy each other's company; you and Gramps can move into a care facililty; or you can figure it out some other way. But this is making it hard for me to love and appreciate you, and frankly, I can't take care of my kids AND you. So I pick the kids, and you can think about this and get back to me about how you want to move forward. I'll be on vacation for the next two weeks." (From her, even if you can't go on a proper vacation.

Your grandparents are very blessed to have you.

Your first responsibility is your children. They need you to be happy, healthy and undistracted as much as possible. These young years in their lives are critical, and there is no way that you can be healthy and present for your children while trying to care for your grandparents at the current level.

Therefore, I would recommend that you enlist or hire the help that your grandparents need ASAP. Maybe Meals on Wheels, or a caregiver to help run errands, clean, etc. Make sure that they have what they need and be their granddaughter, not their indentured servant.

Your grandparent's relationship with each other is not your responsibility or your business. Don't take that on yourself. You don't need to protect your grandfather from his wife - after all, he chose to marry her and they've been together since then. Let him handle her - unless of course, she is abusive and he is helpless to defend himself.

Also, pay no attention to your grandmother's nastiness and sense of entitlement. You can't change her, so let yourself off that hook as well.

Peace.

This is too much for one person to do! Please don't try to be superwoman. Your first priority must be yourself and your children. Consult with a local social worker to learn their (and your) options, given their and your finances. They may be eligible for in-home caregivers, who can do some of the work for them that you do. Can you simplify things by combining your households (just a thought - mayble not feasible or desirable). Can you talk to your grandparents honestly about taking over all of their finances and needing to organize things in your own way? If you are handling their finances, it's usually best to have all bills sent to your address. With my aunt and mother, who I helped as they aged and needed help, I set up everything online with auto payments. It helped a lot. These days, you can also have paperless billing for many accounts (less stuff to have around and have to file). If they are not going to cooperate, perhaps it's best for them to move to an assisted living facility where professional staff will care for them, make sure they take their meds, have meals, etc. Be aware that dementia is likely to get worse and your grandmother (and grandfather) may need more care in the future. Will you be able to handle this? You need a Plan B in case this happens. All the best to you, and be proud of yourself that you are being responsible for them and trying to keep them safe and cared for. Don't feel guilty if they eventually have to move to a facility. You will still oversee their care and make sure they are well cared for. Also, it it best for them to have all of their paperwork in order: setting up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, having living wills with their advance medical directives and wills, if they have assets. It may be too late for your grandmother to sign legal papers, but it would be good to have it in writing. You may need an attorney to help with this. The social worker may be able to recommend pro bono attorneys if needed.

LacisMom: Quite honestly, this situation must be amended right away, else YOU drop over from sheer exhaustion. Good grief - you simply cannot, nor should not continue to manage two households, including grocery shopping, transportation and financial affairs all the while being a single mother of three young children. It's unfathomable!! I must ask the question - what is wrong with your grandmother? Your children are your priority. Your grandparents will have to opt for facility living OR hire out help and it must not be you.

Just an hour ago I attended a Zoom meeting with an elder care, financial advisor, special needs, estate planning lawyer and her lawyer assistant at $450 and hour. She works with many other skilled professions that touch on her world.
One of her recommendations to one of my ever branching concerns was to get a CARE MANAGER.
Case closed. That'll be $1 5.00, thank you.

Is there a saintship rolling around unused because you've earned it. I had somewhat demanding and fractious parents, but your situation is SOOOOO much worse. Here are a zillion hugs. This is going to be a long one:
1. Your grandmother doesn't want you to be in control. She wants to control you.
2. In your mind, who comes first in competition for your energy and attention? IMO, first you, then the kids, then your grandparents.
3. Are either or both of your grandparents competent to handle their medical and financial affairs? If yes, take time from your crazy day to arrange for an attorney to draft their estate plans, including POAs. YOU NEED NOT SERVE IN ANY CAPACITY unless you want to.
4. IMO, your grandparents need to see their PCP'S soon. Your grandmother may be undergoing physical and/or mental issues that can be addressed.
5. It sounds like you live in two separate houses.
6. I suspect your grandparents don't have the means to hire help or you would've done it already.
7. However, here are some ideas if they do have some money.
8. Don't grocery shop for them. They give you a list, you order online, store delivers. Do you always get exactly what you want? No. Life is hard when you get a different brand of grapefruit juice.
9. Hire a house cleaner or a maid service.
10. Hire a person to cut the grass and/or shovel snow.
11. Look into transportation options and other elderly assistance available in your community. Where I am, a free van service transports the elderly.
12. Believe it or not, there are companies who will pick up, wash, and deliver your grandmother's tutu and bedsheets.
13. Your grandmother is going to hate this so much.
14. She will throw every argument in the book why you must remain at her beck and call. Too damn bad.
15. My father broke his leg right when my mother had a small stroke. They expected me and my sister to do everything and weren't very nice about it.
16. I'm a pleaser but I have a limit. We told them: Hire caregivers or we're out of here. NOOOOO. We don't want strangers in the house.
17. Caregivers from a licensed and bonded agency aren't really strangers. Just people you don't know yet.
18. The truth is, you're the manager of a company that pleases two households but it's unprofitable because it's eating you up.
19. In fact, you're the CEO. Make executive decisions. In successful companies, the CEO delegates what she can and then manages those to whom she has delegated.
20. The caregiver is your VP of operations. She's the one making sure your grandparents' household is running properly. You manage her/the agency.
21. It may be wise to keep managing the financial matters.
22. If your grandparents can't (not won't) afford a caregiver (it's not cheap) do the math. Add up the hours you spend running their household. Figure out what your time is worth. Figure out the minimum hours for a caregiver to get it all done. Compare the figures.
23. If your grandparents really can't pay it all, consider kicking in a little. I realize this is a stupid thing to say to a single woman with three kids. But consider it.
24. Your grandmother will fight you tooth and nail. She has you where she wants you. So, it's up to you.
25. Because your company's true purpose is the kids. And they need a healthy mom.
26. Accept you won't get the love or respect you want from your grandmother. No matter what you do. You're in emotional bondage. Consider a few sessions with a therapist. A good therapist = gold.
27. You've got leverage. Unless they truly can't care for themselves, you've got no legal obligations.
28. Within reason, dictate terms. Negotiate what you can. Don't negotiate what you can't.
29. I can hear your grandmother's screaming from here. If I were standing where you are, I'd walk out of the house, put down the phone, go hug my little monsters, and take them to the park.
30. Best of wishes.

Hope you know, Superwoman was fictional. Sorry, you can't wear the suit or fly, so let's help you get a different living situation.

Please call an Elder Law Attorney and see if a group appointment would benefit all of you. If Grandma refuses then you need to say, "NO MORE." After all, "No" is a complete sentence. Let her know you're resigning your position and you can help her get (them) placed in Assisted Living.

Be a visitor, not a caretaker...............you'll live a lot longer and your three children will have happy childhood memories of you (because you won't be exhausted or frustrated.)

First, kudos, 🤗, 🌸 and rainbows 🌈 for taking on your grandmother when you have other family obligations.

You’re a parent. You know acquiescing to unacceptable behavior feeds the beast. Tell grandma and grandpa you’re setting hard and fast rules. Grandma gets nasty, you tell her you won’t be treated rudely and leave immediately, Grandma has a list. You tell her what you offer to do. If she balks, you tell her if it’s not good enough, she needs to hire someone. Period. No discussion. No letting her spin things up. Remind grandpa good behavior is not for the feint of heart and LEAVE. If he sabotages you, he feeds the beast and needs to learn the natural consequences of colluding with unacceptable behavior. Better grandpa suffers the consequences short term, than you burn out and he has no long term support!!!!

Give in even once and you send the message that you’ll cave. Grandma’s looking to exploit weakness and win. Don’t give in!

Expect her behavior to go explosive in an attempt to win the battle of wills before relenting control. (I am reminded of the tv show Supernanny exposing the underbelly of out of control kids and how to break the cycle of bad behavior.)

In short, she’s an adult terrible 2 and you need to do your terrible 2 parenting.

And like toddlers, elder little darlings will break your heart with crocodile tears and laments, so buckle up. They will suffer while they learn to bad behavior leads to negative consequences. Only difference is toddlers scream and stomp while elders — from what others say* — unleash a nasty tirade. But at the risk of being redundant, better to deal with the fallout and nip this now than let grandma burn out you and grandpa.

* I’m blessed with a mom who doesn’t have a nasty bone in her body. She did say, “That’s enough!” in a stern voice. So out of character, the kid’s eyes went wide open in surprise. But I parented masterful, creative, patient terrible 2s and lived to tell the tale.

Do you want control? It sounds like you have put yourself in the position of “control” in your effort to help. I totally know the need to do it your way in order to actually do what you need to do in your day and make sure everyone is cared for the way you feel they should be but you may need to let some of that go. Imagine your cousin coming in and taking over your life and caring for your children, it’s a very welcome respite for a while and then you start to want things done your way again…

Your parents as I understand it from this post are living in their own home so able to do some things on their own they just need help, as we all do, staying there while they age. Your help doesn’t need to be all or nothing, at least not yet but your kids do need all of your support they don’t have the ability to do it themselves or the choice to get themselves help. So the first thing I would suggest is trying to let go of your need for perfection when it comes to your grandparents. There is nothing wrong with wanting to help support their needs, you love them but your priority has to be you and your kids so rather than everyone getting a 5th of your week perhaps your grandparents together should be getting a 5th (include your self for time). It’s not that simple I know but when your grandmother doesn’t like the way or time you did something, that’s fine it’s her life and ultimately their responsibility so that is a chore you don’t need to do anymore. She doesn’t like the way you grocery shop? You are happy to turn that over to her, even help her find a way to accomplish it if she would like you to. She doesn’t like the way you keep her house? No problem take that off your list and she can control that. When it isn’t being done or done the way you feel it should be you will have to let it go though and wait for one of them to ask you to help again. If and when that happens you offer to help them find help, you don’t take the chore back on yourself. I am just using these things as examples, I don’t see any examples of the things you are actually clashing on so it’s hard to make direct suggestions. It really starts with you though, your perspective of the things that take up most of your time since they are bound to be the ones you are frustrated with her on most.

You can’t be all things to all people and are far more valuable when you don’t always make caring for yourself last, part of that for me when my son was young meant knowing I was caring for him by caring for myself too and often the two were the same. Not all aging couples have family members to take up the slack remember and they need to take advantage of the community options for getting that help so keep in mind that your grandparents are very lucky to have your help either finding that help or taking on just one or two of those responsibilities wether they express that well or not.

You're grandmother may be fearing her lack of independence, or she may just be a control freak. Either way, you need to sit her down and explain to her that you can't always do things her way for the exact reasons you explained here. You will need to do this multiple times. At 85, her personality is NOT going to change - but the way you deal with her must be firm and direct.
You don't embellish on your situation but If there are no other family members in the picture to help, please be sure your grandparents have set you up to have durable Power of Attorney. This will allow you to make important decisions now and in the years to come. The next step is to look into some outside help. Yes, they will resist - that's a given - thinking of it as an intrusion and a money drain. However, it is the most important thing for you, your kids and your grandparents in your care taking journey. Reach out to your local senior community center to see what services may be available. Remember, we are here for you to vent and provide support and advice!

Your family and young children are the priorities. Your health will suffer greatly at the pace you are going and then where will everyone be?

Start getting the groceries delivered at least for grandparents. Order house hold supplies online, pay bills online and stop paper bills going to grandma. It only gives her something to complain over.

Set them both up with a visiting physician. This will save you a great deal of time and anxiety. You can pop over and be present for the check ups. Start with a home delivery pharmacy or use delivery from their local CVS or Walgreens. Mobile labs and imaging companies are available too. Services are done right in their home!

Start a part time caregiver. They will get over it and many chores like light housekeeping, laundry and light meal prep would be covered. You need the help!

She is declining and is scared. Her lashing out (especially if more than it was in the past) could be attributable to depression. Talk to her doctor or engage a geriatric psychiatrist for an evaluation.

Regardless, start running the household your way.

It is hard to switch roles, especially when you grew up following your grandmother’s directions and acting respectfully, but you need to wrangle control. This problem will intensify if unsolved and her directions will become less manageable.

Take some breaks if you can. From everyone and everything. Hire someone to stay with your grandparents for a couple hours, arrange play dates, etc. Make sure there are enough sitters so everyone is safe. I raised my children while caretaking so I understand. Go to a movie. Take a nap. If you can, take a romantic weekend or girl’s weekend.

Do some activity that energizes you- and do it without responsibility for another human being.

If you don’t have a break you will get too burnt out to continue.

Thinking of you.

Grandma, getting old must be hard. It happens to us all & to me too one day.
I get you might be angry about it. Frustrated about losing some independence.

What would make it easier for you?

Or even, what care home would you like to move to?

Yes, really.

I cannot do everything you need all by myself & raise my children too.

So you will need to start hiring a team of staff to help or move where there is help on-hand.
I can help you make some calls, get some staff. Or help choose a place to move to.

G'ma may be angry. That is her right to feel how she does. Just as you can feel as you do.

But having the chance for real & honest conversations, adult to adult, could be just the thing to make better plans.

All have given you great advice. Getting her (your "gma") to understand via "more explanation" is not realistic. Gma -- especially at 85 -- is not going to change. If anything, she will get worse over time especially if dementia is part of this.

Your grand parents are not your responsibility, your responsibility is to your kids and to your health (mental and otherwise) to be there to care for your own children.

So as hard as this is and will be; mapping out the steps necessary to take back your life is critical. Setting boundaries; saying NO; not showing up/not doing the endless tasks, or set time limits for doing anything if you choose to do something but only once a week; when criticism starts, just leave and tell them you will not accept verbal abuse; give them two option they pay for in-come care/aides daily OR they pay and move to a facility that can care for them. Call adult protective services to say that the are not safe; if they refuse to take up either the in-home care or move to a facility options.

Hope you can find a gifted therapist to help you through this as there is a lot to unpack and to work through for your mental health and well being. Hope you have a POA to start making decisions for them, but as others have said, if no POA exists getting "state guardianship" is the likely best option. No matter what agency, you have to tell them "they are not safe," that "you cannot care for them," and adult protective services has to take over.

Let's step back and look at the whole picture:

You have no help. Your grandparents aren't stepping up and, at 85, (even if they were helping themselves) it isn't going to last much longer because that's the reality of age-related decline. Their neediness is just going to increase. And, there's 2 of them and 1 of you.

It's totally possible that one of them can have a profound medical issue or fall and break their hip tomorrow... then what? It's not managable or fixable by you. You are not their solution. Your kids and sanity and health and future is your first priority. Therefore you must look for outside solutions sooner rather than later, whether your grandparents like it or not, cooperative or not

You can look for a Geriatric Care Manager to help you navigate solutions and provide in-home help until you get to a more permanent solution. FYI your grandparents must pay for this and anything else that is related to their care, period.

Or, you can call social services to see if they qualify for any in-home help. The help is mostly for you.

Or, you tell them they must hire a companion aid to keep them entertained, do light housekeeping, help with some hygiene, some light meal prep, and take them to run errands. We had one for my 2 Aunts and she was awesome, it worked great.

You decide which type of help you WIILL put in place. They WILL pay for it. If they don't agree to this new arrangement then they WILL need to move out by the end of the month (and you need to mean this and carry it out).

The ultimate goal is to have them move out to AL before a crisis occurs, but it may be easier taking baby steps with them first. Once they get used to someone else providing the care, it may be an easier to get them to the next step.

Hopefully you are their DPoA. If you aren't, or they refuse to assign you, this is where you plant your flag in the ground. You cannot legally manage their affairs and make decisions in their best interests without the legal authority to do so. The other option is for the county to become their guardian (not you) and then the county will call ALL the shots and you won't be able to intervene.

Finally, it would be helpful for everyone's sake to know if your grandmother has demetia or not. It starts ever so subltly and then just progresses until one day she says or does something so totally whacky that you then realize she has had dementia for a while. A diagnosis is important because it will help you decide what boundaries to draw or uphold: a person with dementia is actively unlearning everything, forgetting new things and losing their abilities of reason and logic. Arguing with them, trying to retrain them would be pointless and exhausting. A diagnosis also helps in future prescription options for anxiety and mood.

I wish you all the best. Eat the elephant one bite at a time. Make tiny progress every day and you will be able to take back your life and your kids' lives!

If she wasn't your grandma but just a woman treating you in this way. would you be helping her? I'm guessing not. I have started asking myself this question with certain family members who I have been tolerating abuse from...because they are 'family'. No more....have started saying no, speaking up to criticisms and invalidation/gaslighting comments etc. I'm now not so popular but more importantly..those members are staying clear of me and not asking anything from. Suits me just fine!

So what's wrong with grandma? Does she have dementia, or is she just a control freak that nobody's ever stood up to before? You and grandpa allow her to get away with murder, so she continues to get worse and worse? I ask that b/c I had a mother like that........we all walked around on eggshells for fear of angering her further. It was a rotten way to grow up and a rotten way for my father to live, but he never did anything about it so......he made his bed. When she got old, she just got worse, but by then, I was able to say NO to her and not put up with her temper fits. I learned how to ignore her and do things on MY terms, including that she live in Assisted Living and then Memory Care.

That's the key with elders like this: that YOU set the boundaries down, not THEM. Because otherwise, you'll be running yourself ragged (as evidenced by your exhaustion and that nothing is ever good enough for the woman) and jumping through fiery hoops and STILL not meeting her impossible needs.

Grandma and grandpa can HIRE in home help because once you set down some boundaries, you'll only be available on X days a week from X hours to X hours, and I suggest those days and hours be short. You have a busy life and children to attend to which is more important than two elders with enough finances to hire their own help! That's the truth and deep down inside you know it. You're not going to be able to 'explain this to her in a way she might understand' either, because women like this make it their life's work NOT to understand reason, kindness or logic. They want things done THEIR way or the HIGHWAY. Period. And that just doesn't work for you anymore. Sorry.

Wishing you the best of luck setting down YOUR rules and then sticking to them like glue. Because she WILL look for the cracks in your armor to sneak through, I guarantee it.

This Grandma needs to be put in her place. She’s extremely fortunate that you help at all, same with gramps. If they don’t like your version of help they can PAY people to be their servants.

Lacis, welcome. Eta, you're a SINGLE parent!!?? Even more so what I said below.

Tell grandma she's going to need to manage on her own for 2 weeks because you are needing to take a break.

Tell her that you are going to spend this time considering whether you want to continue this job. In the meantime, she will need to make other arrangements.

This is not said in anger, it's just the facts. If she becomes abusive, hang up.

I only volunteer my time for folks who treat me with respect and kindness. I strongly encourage you to do the same.

You have 3 young children. You are their only resource. Grma and grandpa can hire help. Your kids can't.