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She has dementia and is non communicative. Bedridden for last year and has been cared for by 2 home aides at her home for several years. Nursing home says perhaps she needs to adjust to new place and give it a few more days. Family doesn’t want feeding tube placed. What are his options?

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Leave mom alone. She's 97 and can choose to eat or not to eat. Facility should offer food but not force feed. Thank god the family is not going to use a feeding tube on mom. What a nightmare for mom if that were to happen. Many elderly die when they go into a facility. I am not sure why but it seems to happen.
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Reply to sp196902
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At 97, maybe it's time to let the poor woman go to God's good mercy.

Why keep a person this old who is bedridden and in a nursing home alive?

He should let her go to her peace.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Barbrany3, your friend's mother needs time to adjust. The woman is experiencing new faces she's not familiar with... new noises... new smells... different food... the bed and pillow feels different.... there are sounds at night from the hallways, etc. Hopefully the need to eat will start soon.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Tell your friend, not to feel bad, she needed to be in a nursing home.

And no to any feeding tubes they are horribly uncomfortable for older people.

I would advise you to advise your friend, that it's time for hospice.

And how amazing it is that she lived to 97.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Call in hospice and allow this 97 year old woman die in peace and comfort which hospice will provide.
Why would anyone want her to continue as she is? She's ready to leave this world for the next and the kindest thing your friend can do is to let her do just that.
Please bring hospice on board TODAY! Yes you can call them on Sundays as they are available 24/7.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Lady at the facility was in her late 90s, practically bedridden (in wheelchair when up) She eventually passed Christmas night of last year.
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Reply to cover9339
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I agree it's time for hospice and comfort care.

I am PoA for my Aunt, who is 105, with a very good mind/memory and no health issues. Family always comments that she can live another 5 or 10 years to which she emphatically says, "I better NOT!"
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Reply to Geaton777
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MiaMoor Jul 12, 2024
A woman after my own heart!
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Follow mom’s lead. If she doesn’t eat or drink it shouldn’t be forced in any way. Only offered. If her long time aides could visit, it might make her feel more comfortable. Hospice won’t keep her alive or cause her death. It would provide her another level of care and provide more support for your friend. When she does pass, arrangements might be easier for him as well. Perhaps you could suggest he call and discuss with a couple of hospice providers. They are not all the same.
My DH aunt, 97 has been in the NH for 2 yrs on hospice and has lost 30 lbs.
But she has never gone 4 days without eating or drinking. I would call hospice.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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I just had my mom fill out a living will, because the one thing I don't want and i know she feels the same is a hospital resorting to a feeding tube.
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Reply to firsttimer1
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swmckeown76 Jul 12, 2024
Wow. My advanced directive says always try everything no matter my age or disability. It also says I'll never want a DNR either. And yes, my late father and mother-in-law died of complications of Alzheimer's disease, and my late husband died of complications of frontotemporal degeneration. If a feeding tube would have helped my late husband, as his health care POA, I certainly would have authorized it.
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I would not put a feeding tube in a 97 yr old. If the next thing he is told she is having a problem swallowing, she is actively dying. He should nott feel guilty for the decision he made placing her. She is 97 with Dementia. She has no quality of life. I prayed for God to take Mom home. He finally did and it was peaceful.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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This occurred to a friend of ours who moved his ALZ wife to a better MC. She settled in and began to eat and drink again. He visited her and stayed with her every day and the staff believe that is what contributed to her quick adjustment. No feeding tube 4 sure. It also may be her time to go and he needs to let her know it is okay. It is hard for the caregiver or family member but after being with a few family members who passed at home or in a facility, the comfort of a family member who is close by appears to be good for the loved one. My uncle revived to good spirits for a few weeks and then passed. My dad slept for 3 days straight (no water or food-didn’t want it) and passed at 97. My dear friend knew he was going to die due to his condition and was alert until he passed in his sleep. Again the no water or food was wanted or forced. The body is amazing in its ability to go through this process once it is worn out. It is not a bad thing for her to have 24/7 supervision and comfort during this time.
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Reply to Tandemfun4us
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My MIL (92 w dementia) goes on “hunger strikes” from time to time. These are strategies that have worked for us.

(1) Plan visits around mealtimes and bring meals to eat together. Some times it is a matter of applying a little positive social “peer pressure.”

(2) Accommodate favorite foods. Luckily for my MIL, it’s fairly healthy with roasted sweet potatoes seasoned w olive oil, rosemary, and cracked pepper. She also loves cherry tomatoes, and now bing cherries and grapes as they are in season. But favorite foods can be used to entice the appetite.

(3) Serve Ensure (meal replacement) for dessert. That way, even if there aren’t enough calories ingested with the meal, she is able to get some sustenance calories. She likes the strawberry, but my own mother loved the chocolate.

Luckily, with the dementia, she has forgotten why she was mad and moved along to enjoy meals again BUT it IS nerve-wracking when these episodes occur. She has gone many days until her skin is pallid, her lips blue, and her skin “stands up” like mountain peaks when gently pinched (due to dehydration). But always a relief when she starts to eat again.

Re feeding tubes - There is research that shows that they do not prolong life and introduce infection risk. I concur that taking that route should be avoided.
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Reply to NeedHelpwMIL
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This would be a common occurrence for medical and care people
Readjusting to a new life especially at an old age must be traumatic
I woujd say speak to her doctor and in the meantime try and spend as much time as possible with her to help her adjust
maybe vitamin drinks ?
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Reply to Jenny10
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Just leave her alone. Keep her comfortable. She has dementia, she is 97. Old age and dementia cannot be fixed. Why prolong her misery, she's had enough.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Putting a feeding tube in a person in such a condition would be torture.

Hospice up.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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swmckeown76 Jul 12, 2024
Why not ask the woman whether or not she wants a feeding tube? If she doesn't, she can still be offered her favorite foods and beverages, even if your friend has to bring them in himself. It's ageist and ableist to say someone should be denied a feeding tube because of age and disability.
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PS Concur that hospice is a good add-on to facility care if she is ready to forego emergency interventions. My MIL has no organ issues (beyond brain failure w dementia) so not appropriate yet, but my own mother (no dementia) opted for hospice to be able to focus on family and relationships. They even provided oxygen support to her so that she could have more time present with loved ones. She passed away in Jan. Hospice has been super helpful for the survivors as well both AS she was declining, but also since she has passed.
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Reply to NeedHelpwMIL
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Unfortunately, your friend has to come to terms with putting he in Hospice Care.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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A new environmental can be very disruptive to an elder, especially with dementia, Does she have advanced directives ? Those will help with decisions around nutrition . Nursing homes will need a nutritional source if she’s not eating, and often will send to the hospital for failure to thrive, Hospice may be an option.
If he’s HCPOA he can make those decisions on her behalf.
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Reply to rmrocha
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Thank goodness the family doesn't want to place a feeding tube. The nursing home's response to give her time to adjust is unrealistic and frankly, dismissive.

Bless her heart.

She's gone from being in her home with two caregivers to being in a nursing home. Sleeping on a foreign bed, being around unfamiliar and ever-changing staff, being presented with different food, probably being left unattended and unspoken to for long periods of time. And if she is bedridden, is she being turned regularly?

My mother is also 97, with dementia and almost blind now. If I were to put her into a nursing home and expect her to "adjust" at this point, I would be lying to myself.
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Reply to southiebella
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Hothouseflower Jul 12, 2024
Every situation is different. There are a multitude of reasons why people choose placement over keeping a LO at home at this point. It probably is just not sustainable by the family members any more. They are seniors themselves. I am sure it was a difficult decision.
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No Feeding tube that's what Killed my Mother , She didnt eat either - couldn't smell Or taste .
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Reply to KNance72
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She cannot be forced to eat. She can be encouraged, you could bring her favorite foods. See if she is willing to drink protein shakes. It's very hard to transition from home to a facility, plus with dementia the brain no longer gives her cues that she needs to eat. And, sometimes, people stop eating when they are ready to go, as my mom did.
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Reply to DianaFS
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Highly recommend contacting a good hospice through referrals and getting them on board to help ASAP. Best thing we did for my mom and they are instrumental in helping us lovingly care for mom and also working with an MD and submitting supplies and equipment costs to Medicare in providing much needed supports, oxygen, supplies, and much more. You will be very glad to have their support team of professionals to help your mom and also you and your family as you go through this difficult time. My prayers are with you.
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Reply to Love-and-Hope
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Barbrany3: Perhaps it's time for hospice.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Not communicating, bedridden and not eating or drinking. Time for hospice.. at facility or possibly bring her home? Probably just a matter of a few weeks. We brought my mother in law home with a hospital bed that hospice might provide for you. We kept her comfortable, played her favorite music surrounded her with family, reminiscing , telling stories. when she heard her music she would actually tap her foot to the beat. She could hear everything just couldn't communicate with us. She passed peacefully at home within a week. God bless you and family
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Reply to MDR317
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Give her (and you) some time to adjust
to the new setting / circumstance.
Likely she is disoriented. Bring familiar items to hold, ask for lite snacks or what you might bring. Some foods make you salivate. Maybe try rubbing an ice cube made from her favorite
fruit juice on her lips.

Mostly it’s a big adjustment. You’ll know in time.
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Reply to AliOJ58
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If family does not want a feeding tube, you can not force artificial means of getting nutrition or hydration. Given her age and diagnoses, the wait and see approach is probably best. He could visit during a meal and see about coaxing her to eat, but that is about as far as he could take this.
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Reply to Taarna
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Whare are the friend's options?
Accept reality. That his 97yr old Mother has very advanced dementa. Being bedbound & non-communicative is close to the very end. No longer eating & drinking begins the end stage.

The brain can no longer control the muscles to walk, the muscles weaken. The brain can no longer control speech, so speech ends. The brian can no longer coordinate swallowing plus the digestive system starts to slow & fail. This is how it is at the end.
A very very slowing of life

The friend can accept this, visit, hold her hand, play music, talk, say goodbye. Be grateful she was granted such a long life.

The only other choice is what? Wish for a miracle?
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Reply to Beatty
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Ice cream, cake, chocolate. If she will eat anything it would be ice cream. End of life brings a want for only sugar especially in cognitive decline. Worst thing for her but that is no longer a concern. If she doesn't even want ice cream then respect her wishes and help her leave as comfortably as possible. That is what most people (if not all) would wish for at the end.
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Reply to FarFarAway
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This thread is getting a lot of chatter but this question is already a week old and AFAIK the OP has not updated us, I expect that by now any new advice given will be moot.
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Reply to cwillie
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You could ask her MD about an RX for zofran which is available in dissolvable generic form and serves to stimulate the appetite for many people. Alternatively or additionally, you might suggest your friend to inquire concerning a hospice evaluation. It by no means indicates that the end of life is right around the corner. My mom was on hospice for two years, and my dad has been on hospice for about six months and is still fairly stable.
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Reply to gemswinner12
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