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My husband's dad had a stroke before Thanksgiving. He was admitted to the hospital and the went in and they stopped the clot. They had him in ICU 4 a week then moved him down to a regular room to start rehab. They then transferred him to an assisted living/rehab. He was making great strides b4they transferred him there. After he was there, he seemed ok BUT when my hubby couldn't spend the night he had tried getting out of bed and fell and got a hematoma on his head. They transferred him back to the hospital & they kept him for a couple of days later. My husband stayed the night. The next day he was going to his therapy & supposedly he fainted when we left & my brother-in-law was there. They sent him to a different hospital all together & we couldn't locate where they sent him. My b-u-l said they wouldn't give him any info as to where they sent him. He said the hospital he went to prior would not let anyone into the ER & could not locate him in their hospital. We finally found out, after many calls, he was transferred to a totally different hospital. They kept him until 4 days b4 Christmas. He seemed to do alright except when home health came out. He would act as though he was seriously, I'll. He has quit eating, keeps us up all night, won't participate in any of the therapy, won't drink anything, & acquired a bad bed sore from the assisted living. Whenever the folks from home health come out, they act as if it's my fault he is in this condition. He WILL NOT let me help AT ALL with any of his care. When I try & do as they have shown me, he totally stiffens up and makes it impossible for me to help. I overheard him tell them on many occasions that I do nothing to help when I do try but he makes it extremely difficult. My hubby keeps telling me to leave him alone because he is dying. I try & cook what he likes but he won't eat it. The bed sore has gotten worse because my hubby won't change the badges like instructed. When I try to go in & change it, I need help because of him stiffening up & my hubby gets mad & starts yelling at me. When I try & do anything to help, I am pushed away. I try and sit with him to keep him company he says he wants me to leave & wants my hubby. He says he can't move his left arm & leg can't move but when he thinks we aren't around or can see him he moves it just fine. I even caught him in the middles if the night out of bed walking over to his dresser. Also, he has fallen out of his bed three times. I say falling but got out of bed himself & yells for my hubby saying he don't know what happened. When this happens there is no sound of him hitting the floor & it happens right after I look in on him. He has told one of the therapists that I rough him up and refuse him food, water, and won't keep him company. None of which is true. I sat with him one night for about 2 hrs while he slept & he told my hubby I lied. Luckily my hubby knew this to be true. I got to say it, but I believe he is taking it. Any ideas or suggestions would be helpful

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A stroke followed by a fall and brain bleed and nobody in his care team has suggested he is experiencing some kind of dementia/cognitive decline? I don't want to point fingers at you because it seems you are the only one who is not in complete denial about this man's condition, but this reads to me like a shockingly neglectful level of care. Bed sores are not inevitable, in nursing homes and hospitals they are counted as signs of neglect. I can't believe he has therapists who don't understand his confusion and confabulations are signs of dementia🤯And then your hubby seems to just shrugging his shoulders because he thinks he's dying rather than actually providing a level of care that is necessary. My suggestion is to either have him evaluated by a neurologist experienced in dementia or for hospice, either would give you a clearer picture of his state of health and life expectancy.

And why the heck wasn't he offered time in a rehab after the hospital stay?
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Thanks so much for that full and complete assessment of what is happening for all of you.
It is extremely unlikely that your FIL is faking this. He has not only had a stroke, but he has had a hematoma that has put pressures on heaven knows what areas of his brain. And quite honestly he may never recover from what he has been through.
The question now falls to your own and your husband's ability/wish to take care of his father full time, for this is going to be a FULL TIME JOB and it is going to require both fully education for you, full understanding, full followup testing and assessment and an enormous investment of money and time to keep him minimally safe. That is to say you are on 24/7 duty if you try to do this at home. I was an RN all my life (now long retired) and I can tell you I personally would not be able to do this.
Your FIL now has mental, physical and emotional changes that are undoubtably permanent. Not only that, but they are quite likely to progress and worsen in nature. It is time to accept that, get the assessment and help you are able to. Speak to a GOOD NEUROLOGIST as to areas of stroke and hematoma, areas of pressure on the brain, and prognosis/expectations for the future.
I am so sorry this has happened. It is very likely that both your FIL and you yourselves would rather have seen him go at once of this than linger in this state; but this wasn't a choice.
I think it was likely a mistake to take your FIL into your home, but it seems you really had no idea what you might be facing. It is time now to discuss together, assess together, educate yourselves together, and work out what is best for ALL your lives. My feeling is that your FIL needs MC placement.
I wish you the very very best and hope you will update us.
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Call 911 and get this man back to the hospital stat! The worsening bedsore alone can easily kill him, not to mention all the falls and lack of care hes allowing you or dh to perform on him. Once he's released, he needs to go to a nursing home full time for ongoing care by professionals. Neither you nor hubby are qualified to be caring for this man in your home, you're out of you're realm of knowledge here. Just the lack of wound care by itself is very dangerous, and your dh doesn't seem to understand or care about that.

Please call 911 or drive your FIL to the nearest ER now.
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Were you consulted before FIL came to your home to live? So the AL rehab wasn't providing good enough care for him? Now FIL is not getting good enough care in your home if his bedsores are getting worse because H can't/won't take care of the bedsores properly.

Are you attempting to do the bulk of the caregiving? (I hope not.)

Your FIL needs a professional care setting. This is beyond you and your H's ability to be his caregivers. If BIL doesn't like it, then he can take FIL into his home (and why didn't that happen originally when the family decided to take him out of the AL rehab?).

Does H have POA/HCPOA?
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Your FIL has an altered mental status which always calls for assessment. Strokes and falls can cause brain damage that changes mental abilities. Strokes also often bring on depression, which needs treatment to help with having cooperation with any rehab. Your FIL doesn’t belong in your home right now, it’s not safe for anyone. He’s falling and hurling accusations and you’re being abused trying to be a caregiver. Time for another trip to the hospital for a better evaluation of the mental state and rehab not in your home
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Did the hospital do tests like an MRI & CT of his head and EEG? I suggest your husband or whoever has POA contact his physician. Probably should take him to the hospital or an Urgent Care, something might need medical attention
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Your father in law needs more help than you can possibly give him at your home. He is beyond home health care too.

I can’t imagine trying to care for him in this situation and clearly your husband doesn’t seem terribly concerned.

I wouldn’t wait for a catastrophe to happen. I would take him to the ER and explain the entire situation.
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Welcome, Frustrated!

Does your husband or his brother have Medical Power of Attorney for Johnny? Or are they at least listed in his HIPAA forms so that they can be sure to get information about his medical condition and treatment plan?

Why does your husband think his dad is dying? If he is dying, then Hospice should be involved. Has anyone suggested Hospice?

Some of the symptoms you describe might be post-stroke dementia. Has FIL had any cognitive evaluations? Not "who is the president", but more extensive neuro-cognitive testing that might show why his behavior is so "off".

Did your FIL have mental health issues before the stroke?

I would be reluctant to have someone in my home who is accusing me of abuse.

Given the problems you describe with your husband providing adequate care for the pressure sores, I would recommend getting FIL readmitted to the hospital ASAP and from there placed permanently in a long term care facility. He needs far more care than can be provided by your husband.
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