My father (79) lives alone about 1,000 miles away. Recently he has approached me asking for money for daily living. Any experience with this?

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My father (79) lives alone about 1,000 miles away. Recently he has approached me asking for money for daily living. Any experience with this?

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He is very private, and will not share any health-financial information with me. I've tried the being nice method, no success. Then I attempted the direct to the point way, and he just clammed up after that.
Recently he has approached me asking for money for daily living. I gave him some but now I worry that this will start a procession of asking for money all the time, I don't mind helping him, but not knowing what his financial standing for now and the future is driving me crazy.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this ?

Dad Financial Planning Long-distance Caregiving

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It's difficult to know what's going on with a senior when they live far away. Even with phone calls, emails, it's hard to know for sure. I might plan a trip to stay in the house with him for a couple of days so you can really see how he's doing and what's going on. It could be he's not managing his fiances well or someone is misusing his money. He may not want to let you know, because, he's embarrassed.

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I was a distance caregiver but not at that distance. Mother appointed me POA -financial and health, finally, after her financial adviser pressured her to. For years she wouldn't do it. Problems with finances can be one of the first signs of dementia. Is there any family close who could visit him and let you know how he is managing? Are you the only offspring?

I think your concern is valid. I would not give him any more money without full disclosure of his health and financial status, and in fact him signing a POA financial and health. If you are the one who will be helping him as he ages, that you need those documents.

Are you able to visit him and make an assessment for yourself? Is he managing housekeeping and meals? Are his bills paid? Does he gamble or drink? Does he take care of his health? Does he have any social life? Does he have a trusted friend/pastor/lawyer you could contact and who would help your father understand he needs these documents?

If he has dementia or any progressive disease, like heart disease, he will need more and more care. More specific information about his health/situation would be helpful for responders. Good luck!

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Thank you for your reply. I have been visiting him about once a year. But our visits never get to the "nuts and bolts" regarding his situation. He is so good at avoiding any talk about his situation. I really appreciate your thought about him being embarrassed, I've been searching around trying to find a way to talk to him without sounding like a know it all. I really have no interest in any money he has except for him being able to support himself. My older family members ( uncles and aunts) have been really money hungry regarding their parents, and Im afraid that attitude is part of my Dads resistance.

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You just wrote your own answer. Sit down with him and tell him you don’t have any want or need for his money. But are concerned because of his recent requests. Etc. etc. don’t expect him to bring it up. You need to take the bull by the horns and begin the conversation. Do it at a kitchen table with a cup of coffee and when there is plenty of time to discuss. I know most people hate confrontation but it is necessary. Rehearse the conversation before hand and maybe have some bullet points on a piece of paper so you don’t forget what to say or ask. Do it in person.

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If he's lost the ability to reason, there may not be anyway to convince him or get him on board with sharing or asking for help. Sometimes, the worst happens and the bills unpaid, power cuts off, etc. When, I got to my cousin's house there was unopened mail on the table, unpaid bills, power close to being shut off. She told me to PLEASE help take care of that mess. but, previously, she was secretive and not open to help. I think she finally got scared.

My preference is to be straight about it and just explain in a calm and caring way that all seniors need backup plans in case they get sick and need help AND that, it worries you that he seems to be struggling financially and ask why. The way he handles it, might provide you with some clues.

You might also get a legal consult with an Elder Law attorney in the jurisdiction where he lives, to see if they have any suggestions.

You might go online to see if he has any unpaid property tax bills. Sometimes, they go unpaid if the senior is not able to manage all the bills.

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You can call his local Adult Protective Service and ask for a "well visit". Call his PCP and explain that you know they can give you no info but that you are worried about Dad.

I, too, would give him no more money telling him you need to see his finances.

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It definitely sounds like you need to hire a local Geriatric Care Manager to look in on him, and help manage his daily living.

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And I believe it sounds like your father needs to hire a Daily Money Manager (DMM) who can work with him and help him pay (and budget if needed) his bills. A Daily Money Manager is a good third-party to help seniors (or anyone) pay their bills without having the children involved. You could even pay for the DMM if that helped his budget. DMMs are a great help for those seniors who need organizational and financial help and not yet someone to help them with their health needs. You can find one near you by going to WWW.AADMM.COM.

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I do not give money direct to anyone.

If a parent asked for any money or help paying a bill, I would insist on seeing all their finances and budget ahead of time.

Ipaid for stepdad’s obituary because I knew there was money to reimburse me, but it was easier at the time to put the charge on my cc.

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I should add that when I started reviewing my LO's finances, after her dementia set in, I discovered that she has overpaid some things that were unnecessary. She had sent magazine companies so many renewal fees to the point that they could no longer accept them. She forgot she had renewed the subscription several times. Plus, repeated donations to SPCA, Fireman's fund, etc. She wasn't in a position to be doing that. It could have gotten a lot worse.

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When my father was having difficulties with money but still legally competent, I paid his bills but didn't give him money directly. I enabled him to blow his money by spending my money on his utilities and supplemental health insurance but at least I knew the lights were on and when he needed to go to the doctor or hospital the insurance covered most of it.

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You have a right to know why he is asking. Do you know if he might have a "girlfriend " or someone else who he is giving some of his money too. You have the right to ask him why is he suddenly needing money?
Being suspicious if that is what your gut instinct is, is ok. Often times elders are preyed upon or they send their money to schemes etc. so it’s best to ask.
do you or anyone in the family have a POA in place in case you need to handle finances? Does he have any signs of dementia?
if you feel like you absolutely are bound to send money you could send a gift card to a local grocery store. That way you know where the money goes.
i say this because my husband's half sister who he didn’t grow up with asked him for money as they were behind on house payments and would lose their home. He gave them several thousand. Guess what happened? They squandered it and lost their home. In hindsight he wishes he’d made the checks out to the mortgage bank.

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If he's simply short of money he might apply for food stamps and also property tax relief if he owns real estate.

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Yes, bell, good answers here. There’s how things were, then how they must be next when the situation changes. Now thing have changed and he must talk some turkey with you about what he’s got, what he owes, and what his expenses are. Ideally you’ll make a trip for this, but of course try to be casual, ‘You know, it’s time I came out anyway.’ It’s good you’re sensitive to his unfounded fears, that helps. Good luck!

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If somebody - anybody - asks you to give or lend him money, that entitles you to ask reasonable, relevant questions in a courteous way. If you do that and the questions remain unanswered or the person takes offence, no deal.

This is the second new topic within a week featuring a parent asking a geographically distant child for money but refusing to share basic information. By the way.

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If a you have the money to lend a friend or family member,
lend it, and never ask about it.
That’s a true friend.
our reason assuming, theirs trust and hope.

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If he never asked before, find out why he is asking now. He might have 'credit card fraud' that is bankrupting him. He could be a victim of a scam - so many are perpetrated against seniors.

If he's been donating to charities, he needs to stop.

If there is a genuine need for assistance, then help him to find it. He might be eligible for Medicaid and 'food stamps' as well as cash.

Take every step you can before you send money - once you start, you are taking on a responsibility that will be difficult to stop.

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Less than 10 years ago I had put my mother's pension, the only money be she would get, into a bank savings account for her, or succeeded in getting her to do it. She became convinced that the bank was stealing from her and withdrew the money for her checking account. She then went through all that money. She also plays the lottery hoping for a big win that will change things.

My financial situation has gotten worse and worse and the problem for mom is that without help she cannot afford her rent. I may need to move out.

Additionally, for the first time in January,/February mom went overdrawn over 300 at the bank plus fee because she made out the rent for too much. She has never done this before. I comp'd the Money to her Which became my March rent.

I too like other responders make checks directly to landlord, utilities, not to mom.

I would check for things in the home like toilet paper, paper towels, soap, cleaning supplies, basic otc medicines he needs, if the fridge and cupboards are bare, utilities paid, etc. I would take care of those things first and try to find out why he's short on cash.

You can ask to see bank statements, etc. You can warn him seniors are susceptible to fraud. You could find yourself taking over financial management for dad.

Told you a bit of our story just so you can see things vtat can happen in real life.

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I had a similar experience. Mom and dad never had financial security due mainly to catastrophic illness. At first we helped, but when the amount that mom asked for went above the comfort zone for us, my husband and I didn't say no, but we insisted that we all sit down with an ombudsman to determine what if any outside assistance they qualified for. Mom wouldn't do it. We stepped back. But that only worked for a while. Eventually, there was a health crisis combined with advanced age that meant I had to step in. What a stressful mess as I untangled and organized their finances while dealing with their health and emotional needs! However, mom wasn't willing to open their finances for scrutiny until then. I have to admit that I was angry years ago when she wouldn't work with the ombudsman and I probably should have tried again to walk them through that process. But to your question about giving money, don't. It can become a bottomless pit. Do, however, offer assistance with evaluating his finances; he may qualify for fuel assistance, food stamps, and if he is a veteran of war, he might qualify for certain reimbursements of health expenses through his town or other community-based programs. Explain to him that sometimes one has to give up a little independence in order to maintain a lot of independence. Being able to look over finances will allow you to know if there is some disfunction occurring (think impulsive shopping, or gambling memory issues). When giving a gift to dad, think about what he really needs tangibly that will take some pressure off his plight or enable him healthier living (like a new mattress or payment for dental work). I hope he is open to a financial evaluation; there could be all kinds of programs to take the edge off of his situation. Good luck.

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If he is asking for financial help then that should be your right to now have knowledge of his finances. If it were the other way around say when you were younger he would certainly feel that it would be his right to know your financial situation if you came asking for money. Just put it to him that way.

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I had an autistic friend like this. At the time, he had no financial guardian, a full time job with health insurance. One day he asked me for $300 to make a payment on his Kay Jeweler account. At that time, I was only working 20 hours a week at $7 an hour. After bills were paid, I had only $40 breathing room. I asked him why he needed me to give him that $300 oh so badly. His response was he "needed" to save his then fiance's engagement ring. I inquired about his finances and he had a total meltdown. With the reason and his meltdown, I gave a firm no. His fiancee had said that he still was hanging around people that were taking advantage of him. The fiancee left him after he wouldn't discuss finances with him. She basically said that after they got married, his dad would have no say so over the trust fund and she would have to take over the finances because of him blowing his money on criminals and stupid stuff. If a person is asking for money and won't tell you what, say that you don't lend money for no reason.

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Make the 1000 mile trip. No phone call or letter, here.

You need to look him in the eye. (Knowing is Knowing)

Private sometimes means scared. Maybe he needs help in knowing and setting up State Benefits. He should have federal help, SSI, Medicare, ? There are many community services to help subsidize. Time consuming for you, but maybe too difficult for him.
He may need some loving answers to his existence.
Reality and honesty will win over nice.

(Keep asking ??? You never know who has the answers.)

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You are between a rock and a hard place, Bell.

Throwing money at a family member "to help" may be exacerbating the problem, enabling them, when what they really need is someone to come alongside them, review their finances, and help them manage their money. I think you know that, and are very wise to need to know the difficulties with his finances.

But your Father won't tell you. This means he will not allow you to help further.
But he is asking you to enable him to continue the secrecy.

This may be another senior aging where the family needs to actually wait it out.
I know that sounds scary, and will drive you crazy. Families have had to wait:
For them to be admitted to hospitals after a fall before allowing help, is an extreme example.

I suggest you wait. Wait until the calls become urgent, and he decides to share.
Wait until he can arrange to get the funds elsewhere.

When the calls and veiled requests from my husband's mother kept coming after we had helped her (to our detriment) before.....she later found the "stolen" money in her freezer. As we were waiting, wondering what to do.

I could never do this myself, but one technique to try:

"Dad, can I call you back?"

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HOW CLOSELY DO YOU LIVE TO HIM? DOES HE LIVE ALONE? HAVE HEALTH ISSUES? MUCH INCOME? HOW OLD IS HE? YOU MAY WANT TO TALK WITH YOUR LOCAL DEPT OF AGING OR A LAWYER WHO SPECIALIZES IN ESTATE KINDS OF MATTERS. IT MAY BE THAT HE NEEDS TO CREATE POWER OF ATTORNEY; HEALTH CARE DIRECTIVE. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS, OTHERS WHO AMY BE ABLE TO HELP.

IN THE INTERIM. I WOULD BE RELUCTANT TO PROVIDE ANY MORE FUNDS WITHOUT AT LEAST KNOWING WHAT THEY ARE NEEDED FOR. HE MAY BE HAVING SOME KIND OF TROUBLE -DEBTS,OR SOMETHING ELSE SO I WOULD DEAL WITH AN ATTORNEY SOONER RATHER THAN LATER

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The answers to 3 of your 5 questions is in the OP's post. Maybe you missed reading it.

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You really should pay him a visit to get a realistic view of whats going on with him physically, his living situation and the state of his finances. You need to make sure he is not being financially exploited or has not already been victimized by scammers.

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You shouldn't be enabling your father financially.

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I have one question. Is your father hiding something? Does he have a lot or nothing? No one knows and he is not telling. I therefore would personally NOT give him a penny until I knew exactly what his situation is financially and otherwise. Try to find someone responsible who can assess the situation where he lives and tell you what is going on. He may truly need it but YOU should NOT give to him unless you have more facts. He may be being scammed by someone or he may have mental problems. Do not doing it. Take care of yourself first but try to get answers. And what does he want the money for? If the money is legitimate, then, if you wanted to give him money, you could pay the bills directly and not give the money to him - so become a Power of Attorney.

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I agree with Riley2166. But I also have a question. You mention that you're afraid this is going to lead to him asking for money all the time. Was this a one-time event? If so, I'd let it go. But if it turns into what you fear, then you can put a boundary in place. Lovingly say, "I need for you to be open about your financial and health situtation before I agree to helping you." The ball is then in his court. If he really needs the help, he will either agree with you or find the money elsewhere. Tell him that it's not because you're nosy. You are just trying to be a good steward of your own money and making sure he's doing okay as well.

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I think you need to sit down and have a talk about his assets, expenses and medicare.

I had a cousin ask me and my husband to pay the tax on his home so he would not lose it.

It turned out that he was giving very large sums of money to his church and other charities. He had also willed the house to the church,

If not for that he would have had enough money to pay his own property tax.

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OP has not posted since her March 4 post. Time to shut this thread down.

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My father (79) lives alone about 1,000 miles away. Recently he has approached me asking for money for daily living. Any experience with this?

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