My family or my mom? Help!

nobody is perfect.... choose what is good for your family... the closer, the better.. make sure you can pop in, pop out, say hello, spend time,, fun, games, music, etc.

if you can't keep her home, keep her close...

the best to you, mom, and family.... :)

Your mom needs an evaluation by a specialist in psychiatric gerontology. They can assess for dementia and/or depression. The medications for the elderly are very different than for younger adults.

Take her back to the excellent group home that you already found. Excellent care is hard to find.

There are ways you can make this arrangement far more tolerable. The easiest way would be soundproofing the walls in her room, so her ramblings can't bother anyone. Get her a TV in her room, a hearing aid if she still has any hearing, and I think you'll find her far more tolerable. If that doesn't work, then it's not even a question. Choose your family and send your mother back to a care facility. There's only so much you can do when someone reaches later dementia stages. I tried really hard to help my aunt, and I completely failed. Your mother probably has undiagnosed dementia, and can't understand that her husband has passed. I'm sure that's what is causing her anxiety and depression.

Imho, as this dynamic is not working, it is perhaps time to look at facility living. Prayers sent.

I have dealt with anything like this but I am an empath. Empathy need a lot of down time because our feelings are so intense for others. You Mother is not going to get better. You would be doing the best thing for your Mother and your family if you had a separate apartment for her close by. If money is not a problem hire aides 24/7. Your wife may be well suited to manage the aides. Just my 2 cents. The mental Heath of your immediate family should come before your Mother. You have and will continue to honor your Mother by looking out for the health and welfare of all involved. May peace and serenity be with you!

Juse wondering if you could find an efficiency or apartment close by, and continue the care/supervision. You get to see her but you also get a much needed break and stress relief. Cheaper than 10k nursing home care a month. Thats not counting meds. You could have someone do night shift with her & put alarm on door. Does she wander? They have darling little apartments as some places. You get to be involved or support from a distance if you need a break.

If your exasperated and at your breaking point you need a break! Nothing wrong with that. It is natural. Dont feel guilty. It is a very hard job. Very stressful.
You can always try the group home again. Maybe that will help cheer her up? Can they put the crushed meds in her food instead of pill form? She can be helped without throwing a fit, refusing them. Who wants a loved one to be miserable and anxious for a few yrs? That is awful. She's miserable, your miserable, and family is miserable. If she wants to be miserable that is one thing, but quite another to make everyone around her as miserable as possible.
I wouldn't want my aging dog to be miserable. Id want her to be comfortable and hopefully happy in her end years. So why wouldn't we want the same for a loved one? I also think you didn't give the group home a chance and let guilt get to you. You didn't even get past 1 night.

If she doesn't have dementia i would have a coming to Jesus moment where she is going on meds and she'll like it. Because you are at the end of your tether. Depression is common in elderly. Aging isn't fun. Death isn't fun. But she doesn't have to be miserable. Id make that mandatory to keep her in your home. She takes the med. Or else she goes bc you are trying your best. And you can't take the pain of watching her be miserable all the time. Its too much. If she's not cognizant, id just put it in her food. Good luck.

There are some very good Memory Care places. A good one will not let your mom sit in her room all day and should have a caregiver assigned to her. They aren’t cheap!

Sounds like a skilled nursing facility is the best and only available option. What this is doing to your wife and kids is unfair. You should take charge and find an appropriate facility. All her mental and physical needs will be met in one place. Meanwhile, you can get your own family and life back to a happier place. Thier are risks everywhere, covid or not. Just do research, tour a couple places and get her admitted. From the sounds of it, things will only progress, for the worse. No need, to live in such a unhappy situation, unnecessarily. You or mom have the means, so just get her in a nice place. You will rest easier, and your wife's health will instantly improve! Think of happier times, before she lived with you. Wouldn't you like to get back there?
Prayers & best of luck!

The 3 siblings need to be dealt with. The abusive one, make it vclear that they are not welcome around for that toxicity. The drug addict, that's a liability unto itself. Nobody wants the illegal drugs around their family. And the one that can't deal with it, that one needs to be set free of obligation or told they need to step up their game. Those 3 are compounding your family dynamic. Might be time to get that drama resolved. Tough love for those thay need to take accountability & responsibility for themselves a little bit more at a time. Whether it's steering them to get help for their own healthcare needs or it's an ultimatum that they modify their own behaviours ?

Aa for Mom, while you have care for her there and I don't know what the moment to moment, day to day situation is ? Is she functional in her depression, the mental & physical capabilities of any of it ? So in that regard, she has lost her spouse, did she ever have a pet, be it a cat or dog ? In my own personal experience Mom passed away, she had a small dog, Dad had taken over that responsibility when he was more capable. That responsibility as really what kept him going when he was alone and the necessary changes to get him closer to family that could be there for him. Mom, my Aunt on Mom's side & Dad were a support system that seemed to break down after Mom's passing. So Dad made changes & relocated. Dad also had Mom's dog and he saw the dog thru to her end of life as capable as what he could do. As caregiver in that I relocated and lived in with Dad & dog, so when it became too much for him I was there for both Dad & dog. But I also made it clear that the dog was always his pet, that I was there doing something more to help him & his dog out, not taking over because he wasn't able or capable. I knew when the dog passed that Dad was not going to be far behind in that regard, they both seemed to decline at the same time. At the end it seemed like it was a hunger strike of sorts, they both stopped eating. But all along I included both Dad & dog to have the dignity of handling their own affairs and if they needed my assistance I provided that the same way that I would've whether it was a year, 5 years, a decade earlier. We did things together and that really became a matter of becoming best friends rather than father & son. I think my siblings to his day resent that because they were unwilling to provide that. Their "watches", Dad & dog were healthier, really more capable, so they never bonded with Dad at a level that I did. Their watches was a bonding that I missed out on too just the same, so I don't know where their relationship(s) evolved into with a parent as one of their best friends instead of the parent-child dynamic of an evolution of a lifetime. I do know Dad even started feeling some abandonment at the end with them. And after his passing I found siblings & their wives resented my day to day with him at the end, so much that they accused me of keeping them away for emotional leverage. I literally had to tell my brother's wife that she was free to visit and include Dad in her life. I made no rules living with Dad, changed no rules to preclude anyone from a relationship with Dad or dog. I reminded those that accused me, that the front door was unlocked quite often for them to drop by & visit. They were encouraged to do things with Dad, that I didn't have to be present in any thing they wanted to include him in as their bonding time. It's amazing how some ended up twisting the whole thing to suit their own reconciliations with themselves. One of my brother's wives was the biggest emotional manipulator in that regard, she saw herself as the empath of the whole bunch of us. She was also the one that removed & reduced her role in Dad's life. She & I don't speak to this day after the stunts she pulled from the day Dad passed on. Still amazes me that for an empath, the accusations I faced 12 hours after he passed away from coping, her alcohol abuse that day.

I am writing this article because recently my wife who was infected with covid 19 within a high end assisted living facility in Babylon NY because of poor care she received and loss of aids to administer care.
The AARP special Edition Bulletin December edition has written a very important article in this edition which is called An American tragedy It list why so many thousands died, How to change the system to protect our love one's by changing the rules that are 40 years old, who is to blame for their deaths and How the AARP is doing now to make these facilities accountable for proper care Please for you and your loved one's read it. Right now I would not not send my loved one's their until they have more Aids give better care and could go there to see how she or he is being treated. Remember during the beginning of the pandemic no one including health inspector and nursing home ombudsman were allowed in these homes. You should demand that you see your family members or take the out. Until they nursing home are safe and accountable for there treatment I would not even think about using them at all now

Money no object. The best psychiatrists, all your wife's energy and care for eight months, you don't even say what it's cost your kids, and yet your mother's not happy.

You want her to be loved and cared for?

Nope. You want her to be *happy.* Relaxed, accepting, secure in her family's love; and moreover looking like it's so.

You may have to undergo some expectations revision.

How long were your parents married?

What was your mother's personality like before she was bereaved, while she and your father were still reasonably well and enjoying life?

This is tough for you. Sorry. If money is no object you can hire additional care to be one on one with her at her senior facility. Many AL executive directors, or care coordinators, can suggest a service like that for you. Sounds like you have a great wife but your mother is not her problem. There are people who are better able to care for your mother than you can. Their facilities are set up better than yours at home. Your Mom needs a strong advocate. That is something you can do much better if your mother is situated in a senior residence. If the place where you had her was clean, bright, and professionally managed (and passes the smell test) you may have already found part of your solution. Just see if they will allow additional one on one care by an outside service. You said you were unimpressed by the other residents at the facility but respectfully it sounds like your mother is not a picnic to be around either. Save your family by placing your mother.

As you assess nursing homes, don't judge primarily by the appearance of a place. Look, instead at staff to resident ratio, how long staff have been employed at the facility (longevity of nurses and aides is more important than administrators), where is the home office and how do the families of residents feel about the level of care. Also, be realistic. No place will be perfect. You will find a war story everywhere if you look hard enough. If you do, find out how the facility responded to the problem.

Your mother has lived her life - do not drag your family down any further. I understand being an "empath" and the emotional toll it takes. I'm highly sensitive to "energy" and my mom who is a full-blown narcissist brought chaos, negative energy, manipulation, and a toxic energy to my home too. For 3 years I was becoming more and more ill with heart palpitations, low energy, depression, etc. She had a stroke and is now in AL. It's very nice and she is getting the care and attention she needs. And I'm getting my life back slowly. I literally felt like I had PTSD. The pandemic has also made for a most difficult year. I had multiple tests run and am very thankful there is nothing amiss - which makes me totally believe it was all mental. Stress can and will kill you slowly. Get her out of your house! There are plenty of good places. Take back your peaceful home. Or you will regret it!

First of all,, I would wein her off of all head meds as they can totally make you depressed and even suicidal.

If money is no option and you don't want her living in your home any longer, than you have three choices.

#1. Delending on where you live, If you have room either have a Sound Proof Room built on to your home and hire 24 7 care or put a trailer on sight and hire 24 hr care.

The 3rd Option is to rent a place close by and hire 24 7 Care.

With All above options, Install cameras so you can check and see what is going on any time day ornight from your Cell or Computer.

You'll be able to have your home back to yourself and know that your mom is OK.

Mare sure the Caregivers take her outside for sunshine and fresh air daily.

If you need something less expensive. You could rent a 2 Bedroom and hire a Live In.

I have a 96 yr old Dad that has dementia wuth very short term memory loss.
I promised him long ago he could stay in his own home.
I hired 24 7 Caregivers that do 12 hr shifts each.

To hire a Live In is about a 3rd the cost but my Dad is too needy and is awake off and on 24 7 and wants a snack every few hours and I was afraid he would drive a Live in crazy.

my Dad doesn't like to be left alone and a Live In needs at least to be able to get 8 hrs of sleep, so, I figure it would be safer for my Dad to use Caregivers in Shifts.

Prayers for your family and mom that you find the right solution.

The nicest most beautiful Senior Places mostly are not what they seem and all understaffed.

There are many referrals services available to help you with finding a good fit for your mother. You might try contacting A Place For Mom. This agency was helpful during my search to place my mother. Good luck.

Don’t confuse your family’s suffering, misery and sacrifice with being a good caregiver. You need to see to your own and your family’s health and well-being first. Placing your mom in a facility with trained medical staff that can manage her basic needs, insure she is clean, safe and fed, manage her meds, and work with you on a plan of care, is caring for her and your family in the best way possible. Get your life back. Look past the clinical setting of the group home.

A thorough mental evaluation in an inpatient clinic may be what mom needs. You stated that she is resistant to all medications, is that physical or she resists taking it? Many meds take a bit to build up to a therapeutic level before they start to work. If mom doesn't take them when she is suppose to, it will not work. The group home may also be a good choice for her. More personal care, others to interact with, who are not family that need to attend to every heavy sigh. You need to find a good fit, not just for her but also your family. You, your wife, and your children are first priority. This negativity on a consistent basis has lasting effects on each and every one of you. Only other suggestion I have is sound deadening drywall in mom's room, it'll be a mess at first construction wise but should silence or at least greatly reduce the constant grunts etc. Could mom be making these sounds of "distress " because she knows someone will come to her aid for the attention? Would really look into the mental health issues then to group or nursing home based on that eval for everyone's wellbeing.

You say that your home feels as if it's under a dark cloud of negative and toxic energy. It feels that way because it is. You don't mention that your mom has Alzheimer's/dementia so I'm going to assume that she doesn't. Here's the thing about depression and anxiety nothing will help it if the person who has it isn't willing to help themselves to get better. I suffer from both and this is the truth. You can't have your mother living in your house anymore. As much you love her and your kids do too make her move out. I know that you and your family want to see her well and help mom, but keeping someone in your house who is like this will ruin your life and your kids lives as well.

As far as you describe it, this is a mental health issue/ disability, assisted living is not generally designed for those with serious chronic mental illness. Why hasn’t she been admitted to a mental health hospital where they’re specialists in depression anxiety etc? They have psychiatrists on staff, medical doctors, often times they also have some therapy or groups to help learn ways of coping with their illness. Assisted living is not the answer for someone who’s issue is solely mental illness. She can get the care she needs at a designated mental health hospital setting. Some of them are shorter term and some longer term but they are the ones who specialize in this

Please give the group home a chance. They will give her so much good care. Being that your wife is an empath, it must be traumatizing for her to be around your Mom (even though I know she cares very much for your Mother). You need to think of her too. My second choice would be assisted living, but she will not get as much care as she would from the group home.

When it comes to the most difficult cases of depression, electroconvulsive has helped when medications have not. It is actually safer than psychotropic drugs.
Read about it here:
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ect

It is done under anesthesia so the person will not even feel it-I am surprised her psychiatrists did not propose this.

If you feel she is a danger to herself, she would need to be hospitalized.

Bless you for your gold-plated devotion to your mom. As someone else said, however, she WILL be miserable no matter where she lives. You would not be abandoning her if she is in a AL or group home environment. I am thinking that perhaps in your home she is often in bed much of the time...If so, how is that different than being in a group home in bed most of the time?

If and when you do place her in another facility, I urge you to ration incoming phone calls from her and only accept such calls for an hour at a fixed time of day...If the caregivers at the facility see something is not right, then they can call you anytime on the facility phone.

At the moment it seems to me that this wonderful but confused elderly lady is the rudder that is steering the family ship...

As you decide what to do, I offer God's
Grace + Peace,

Old Bob

Family. No brainer.

Not sure where you live but look up Artis Senior Living. It’s a personal care/assisted living home for people with Alzheimer’s and or dementia. You will be very impressed with their buildings and philosophy for caring for our loved ones. Artis Senior Living. It’s a private pay place. They don’t accept Medicaid.

Placed my mom in residential group home 6 weeks ago. Best decision (albeit hard) I ever made. Before that mom was a manic mess and not safe. Like your mom all she can do for herself is toilet herself and eat. She’s legally blind so there is limitations there. She thanks me everyday and tells me “I love it here”. Everything has improved. Her cognitive ability, her anxiety, her outlook. She no longer wishes she would die. And this improvement came even with COVID restrictions in place. Good luck!

It is admirable that you show such loyalty to your mother and your wife's empathy is testament to the love in your home. If you haven't already tried your mother's favorite music, TV show, found something she can tinker with, or pray to; it may be time to find the help you need in the nursing home you spoke of.

We found a home closest to us for my father who actually asked to be there because he really liked it, and he stayed there for the last few years of his life. We found the time to visit him often, and towards the end we visited him every evening, and they allowed us to put a little cot there for one of us to spend the night with him.

When he passed, we were so glad to have spent those nights with him. Having specialized caregivers gave us the confidence to know that his physical needs were administered to, and our visits gave him the idea that he was still in the family, appreciated, and not forgotten.

Find a comfortable place for mom, close to you, within 5 miles if at all possible. This way you can pop in and out easily from work, home, etc with less effort.. any farther away, may be more hassle, but do what you can.. Only after she has been there a couple weeks to adjust. She needs to adjust as well.
location ,location, location... right...
best to you and your family... make sure you bring her snacks, dance, wtih her, and bring snacks for the staff...talk with everyone,,, they will be part of the extended family...of course since they are taking care of Mom too :)

You sound like a kind, caring and concerned son. You also sound like you are knowledgeable. I think you know you made the right decision on the group home but just need some of us here on the forum to confirm it for you.

It's confirmed. You found a nice clean group home that you liked and that had wonderful staff.. grab it! Mom may or may not be like the other residents - perhaps her happy active days may be over but it's not your fault. You have an obligation to your wife and children which you willingly took on when you got married. Take Mom back to the group home and explain you just got the last minute jitters (and hope they still have an available room). Let her settle in there (and if this means no immediate visit to her for a week or so, don't make it a problem. The social workers and medical staff will guide you as to how she is settling in. She may decide she wants to dress and snooze in a chair all day - it's her life and she has a right to live it her way at this age and stage and she is not harming anyone else. If she needs more guidance or watching.... you can hire extra outside staff to come in. It's a difficult decision I know and you are in a hard spot but if funding is not a concern, you are indeed ahead of many of us.

When she is in the group home and you visit you can be a caring and dutiful son and daughter in law instead of two frazzled over wrought people watching their relationship fray and hoping they are not missing any signs of distress from their equally stressed children.
Good luck in your journey and please keep us updated.