Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
This is tough for you. Sorry. If money is no object you can hire additional care to be one on one with her at her senior facility. Many AL executive directors, or care coordinators, can suggest a service like that for you. Sounds like you have a great wife but your mother is not her problem. There are people who are better able to care for your mother than you can. Their facilities are set up better than yours at home. Your Mom needs a strong advocate. That is something you can do much better if your mother is situated in a senior residence. If the place where you had her was clean, bright, and professionally managed (and passes the smell test) you may have already found part of your solution. Just see if they will allow additional one on one care by an outside service. You said you were unimpressed by the other residents at the facility but respectfully it sounds like your mother is not a picnic to be around either. Save your family by placing your mother.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
joelfmi118 Dec 2020
I completely disagree with you telling this family to go to a nursing home, right now is not the time. Almost all health care professional that I know never would use them now for their family loved one's,.
I am writing this article because recently my wife who was infected with covid 19 within a high end assisted living facility in Babylon NY because of poor care she received and loss of aids to administer care.
The AARP special Edition Bulletin December edition has written a very important article in this edition which is called An American tragedy It list why so many thousands died, How to change the system to protect our love one's by changing the rules that are 40 years old, who is to blame for their deaths and How the AARP is doing now to make these facilities accountable for proper care Please for you and your loved one's read it. Right now I would not not send my loved one's their until they have more Aids give better care and could go there to see how she or he is being treated. Remember during the beginning of the pandemic no one including health inspector and nursing home ombudsman were allowed in these homes. You should demand that you see your family members or take the out. Until they nursing home are safe and accountable for there treatment I would not even think about using them at all now
(1)
Report
Money no object. The best psychiatrists, all your wife's energy and care for eight months, you don't even say what it's cost your kids, and yet your mother's not happy.

You want her to be loved and cared for?

Nope. You want her to be *happy.* Relaxed, accepting, secure in her family's love; and moreover looking like it's so.

You may have to undergo some expectations revision.

How long were your parents married?

What was your mother's personality like before she was bereaved, while she and your father were still reasonably well and enjoying life?
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I am writing this article because recently my wife who was infected with covid 19 within a high end assisted living facility in Babylon NY because of poor care she received and loss of aids to administer care.
The AARP special Edition Bulletin December edition has written a very important article in this edition which is called An American tragedy It list why so many thousands died, How to change the system to protect our love one's by changing the rules that are 40 years old, who is to blame for their deaths and How the AARP is doing now to make these facilities accountable for proper care Please for you and your loved one's read it. Right now I would not not send my loved one's their until they have more Aids give better care and could go there to see how she or he is being treated. Remember during the beginning of the pandemic no one including health inspector and nursing home ombudsman were allowed in these homes. You should demand that you see your family members or take the out. Until they nursing home are safe and accountable for there treatment I would not even think about using them at all now
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

The 3 siblings need to be dealt with. The abusive one, make it vclear that they are not welcome around for that toxicity. The drug addict, that's a liability unto itself. Nobody wants the illegal drugs around their family. And the one that can't deal with it, that one needs to be set free of obligation or told they need to step up their game. Those 3 are compounding your family dynamic. Might be time to get that drama resolved. Tough love for those thay need to take accountability & responsibility for themselves a little bit more at a time. Whether it's steering them to get help for their own healthcare needs or it's an ultimatum that they modify their own behaviours ?

Aa for Mom, while you have care for her there and I don't know what the moment to moment, day to day situation is ? Is she functional in her depression, the mental & physical capabilities of any of it ? So in that regard, she has lost her spouse, did she ever have a pet, be it a cat or dog ? In my own personal experience Mom passed away, she had a small dog, Dad had taken over that responsibility when he was more capable. That responsibility as really what kept him going when he was alone and the necessary changes to get him closer to family that could be there for him. Mom, my Aunt on Mom's side & Dad were a support system that seemed to break down after Mom's passing. So Dad made changes & relocated. Dad also had Mom's dog and he saw the dog thru to her end of life as capable as what he could do. As caregiver in that I relocated and lived in with Dad & dog, so when it became too much for him I was there for both Dad & dog. But I also made it clear that the dog was always his pet, that I was there doing something more to help him & his dog out, not taking over because he wasn't able or capable. I knew when the dog passed that Dad was not going to be far behind in that regard, they both seemed to decline at the same time. At the end it seemed like it was a hunger strike of sorts, they both stopped eating. But all along I included both Dad & dog to have the dignity of handling their own affairs and if they needed my assistance I provided that the same way that I would've whether it was a year, 5 years, a decade earlier. We did things together and that really became a matter of becoming best friends rather than father & son. I think my siblings to his day resent that because they were unwilling to provide that. Their "watches", Dad & dog were healthier, really more capable, so they never bonded with Dad at a level that I did. Their watches was a bonding that I missed out on too just the same, so I don't know where their relationship(s) evolved into with a parent as one of their best friends instead of the parent-child dynamic of an evolution of a lifetime. I do know Dad even started feeling some abandonment at the end with them. And after his passing I found siblings & their wives resented my day to day with him at the end, so much that they accused me of keeping them away for emotional leverage. I literally had to tell my brother's wife that she was free to visit and include Dad in her life. I made no rules living with Dad, changed no rules to preclude anyone from a relationship with Dad or dog. I reminded those that accused me, that the front door was unlocked quite often for them to drop by & visit. They were encouraged to do things with Dad, that I didn't have to be present in any thing they wanted to include him in as their bonding time. It's amazing how some ended up twisting the whole thing to suit their own reconciliations with themselves. One of my brother's wives was the biggest emotional manipulator in that regard, she saw herself as the empath of the whole bunch of us. She was also the one that removed & reduced her role in Dad's life. She & I don't speak to this day after the stunts she pulled from the day Dad passed on. Still amazes me that for an empath, the accusations I faced 12 hours after he passed away from coping, her alcohol abuse that day.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Sounds like a skilled nursing facility is the best and only available option. What this is doing to your wife and kids is unfair. You should take charge and find an appropriate facility. All her mental and physical needs will be met in one place. Meanwhile, you can get your own family and life back to a happier place. Thier are risks everywhere, covid or not. Just do research, tour a couple places and get her admitted. From the sounds of it, things will only progress, for the worse. No need, to live in such a unhappy situation, unnecessarily. You or mom have the means, so just get her in a nice place. You will rest easier, and your wife's health will instantly improve! Think of happier times, before she lived with you. Wouldn't you like to get back there?
Prayers & best of luck!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

There are some very good Memory Care places. A good one will not let your mom sit in her room all day and should have a caregiver assigned to her. They aren’t cheap!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Juse wondering if you could find an efficiency or apartment close by, and continue the care/supervision. You get to see her but you also get a much needed break and stress relief. Cheaper than 10k nursing home care a month. Thats not counting meds. You could have someone do night shift with her & put alarm on door. Does she wander? They have darling little apartments as some places. You get to be involved or support from a distance if you need a break.

If your exasperated and at your breaking point you need a break! Nothing wrong with that. It is natural. Dont feel guilty. It is a very hard job. Very stressful.
You can always try the group home again. Maybe that will help cheer her up? Can they put the crushed meds in her food instead of pill form? She can be helped without throwing a fit, refusing them. Who wants a loved one to be miserable and anxious for a few yrs? That is awful. She's miserable, your miserable, and family is miserable. If she wants to be miserable that is one thing, but quite another to make everyone around her as miserable as possible.
I wouldn't want my aging dog to be miserable. Id want her to be comfortable and hopefully happy in her end years. So why wouldn't we want the same for a loved one? I also think you didn't give the group home a chance and let guilt get to you. You didn't even get past 1 night.

If she doesn't have dementia i would have a coming to Jesus moment where she is going on meds and she'll like it. Because you are at the end of your tether. Depression is common in elderly. Aging isn't fun. Death isn't fun. But she doesn't have to be miserable. Id make that mandatory to keep her in your home. She takes the med. Or else she goes bc you are trying your best. And you can't take the pain of watching her be miserable all the time. Its too much. If she's not cognizant, id just put it in her food. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I have dealt with anything like this but I am an empath. Empathy need a lot of down time because our feelings are so intense for others. You Mother is not going to get better. You would be doing the best thing for your Mother and your family if you had a separate apartment for her close by. If money is not a problem hire aides 24/7. Your wife may be well suited to manage the aides. Just my 2 cents. The mental Heath of your immediate family should come before your Mother. You have and will continue to honor your Mother by looking out for the health and welfare of all involved. May peace and serenity be with you!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Imho, as this dynamic is not working, it is perhaps time to look at facility living. Prayers sent.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

There are ways you can make this arrangement far more tolerable. The easiest way would be soundproofing the walls in her room, so her ramblings can't bother anyone. Get her a TV in her room, a hearing aid if she still has any hearing, and I think you'll find her far more tolerable. If that doesn't work, then it's not even a question. Choose your family and send your mother back to a care facility. There's only so much you can do when someone reaches later dementia stages. I tried really hard to help my aunt, and I completely failed. Your mother probably has undiagnosed dementia, and can't understand that her husband has passed. I'm sure that's what is causing her anxiety and depression.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Take her back to the excellent group home that you already found. Excellent care is hard to find.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Your mom needs an evaluation by a specialist in psychiatric gerontology. They can assess for dementia and/or depression. The medications for the elderly are very different than for younger adults.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

nobody is perfect.... choose what is good for your family... the closer, the better.. make sure you can pop in, pop out, say hello, spend time,, fun, games, music, etc.

if you can't keep her home, keep her close...

the best to you, mom, and family.... :)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter