My daughter is newly engaged and will marry out of state 4 1/2 hours from me possibly in 2 mos (August) if she can pull plans together. My husband died May 11th suddenly without warning and my mother is in an ALMC unit in my community. Mom is feeble and physically unable to walk easily, incontinent and needs 24/7 assistance to dress, bathe, give meds etc. Her mind is still intact and will know and be hurt if she isn't included. What do I do? It will be hard without my husband as it is and I cannot handle it right now. I don't want to pin this on anyone involved in the wedding but a 24/7 caregiver I don't know would need to be compensated well for at least 4-5 days. Thoughts?
My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family for passing of your husband. You need time to grieve, and find a new normal for your life.
If this was my wedding, I probably would have postponed it until later in the fall, and planned to have redirected the wedding to be much closer to home as so to make it easier for you and also to have her Grandmother possibly attend the wedding, or to meet up with Grandmother afterwards.
It is your daughter's wedding so everyone needs to respect what she wishes to do, even if it means you and/or your Mom cannot attend.
I watched on my computer my granddaughter get married several states away. Could your daughter arrange something like that? And could you arrange for someone in her facility to access the video feed and sit with Gram? Maybe you could provide her a Grandmother corsage and even arrange a cake to be delivered. Try to make her feel included, but avoid the trauma of a trip.
I remember the first wedding I attended after my husband died (a neighbor girl) and the first grandchild's wedding without him. This can be a bittersweet event. You will have enough emotional turmoil on your own. Don't add something else to the mix.
Dementia patients do well with consistent routines. Traveling with your mother several states away for a big noisy event is a recipe for disaster.
Arrange with the ALMC to set up a computer link to the wedding. You're asking much too much of yourself to be able to manage this in any event. The recent loss of your husband makes the whole idea untenable.
oh I think I understand, you would need someone at the wedding to help care for her.
I agree with the others that probably wouldn't be a good idea. she is best to stay in her facility.
your mom may be hurt she can not attend, but you are putting too much pressure on yourself. and it is stressing you out. go enjoy yourself at the wedding. take lots of pics. and like someone said maybe take a video. share all the memories when you return.
Mom has care, let them care for her. Do what you WANT for your daughter, but really, right now, you have enough on your plate, grieving for your DH, and trying to figure out a life w/o him. I'm so sorry for your loss!
Jeanne's idea to have the wedding "broadcast" to mother's computer is great--
Trying to navigate getting mom to the wedding will be emotionally/physically exhausting for you and her. Neither one of you will enjoy the day.
My mother is also at a stage where she says she 'wants' to go to events, go to luncheons, be with family...but she's just talking. She really doesn't have the capability anymore.
Put yourself first, yes, even over your daughter. Treat yourself kindly and take it slow. If mother is unhappy, well, she will have to deal with that. This isn't about her. And, sadly if she has memory issues, you could take her and in a couple of days she wouldn't have a memory of the event, but sadly, you'd remember every awful detail.
{{Hugs}}
Trying to take someone with your mother's challenges 4.5 hours by transit would be cruel, uncomfortable and disruptive.
You might also discuss with your daughter a special visit with her fiancé to meet your mother, either before or after the wedding, and again, have a little celebration then and there, so she feels included.
You're very thoughtful to be concerned about her ability to participate, but it would be easier, and safer, for your daughter to make a visit and create a celebration in your mother's facility than to bring your mother to the celebration.
Additionally, your mother isn’t what she was, your daughter is moving on with her life with someone that will be her #1...LOSS every where you look.
Do you think you should be happy and participate in the wedding with bells on your toes?
Traditionally, a widowed person does not engage in social activities for a year. That being said, you can choose your attitude and time frame that works best for you.
You have been very thoughtful to consider options for your mother and the wedding.
How about options for yourself?
If attending alone hurts too much, can a family member be your escort? A son or brother in law?
If the party/reception is pushing the envelop, then be low keyed and take the jubilation off your to do list while wishing joy and happiness for the couple on behalf of yourself and husband.
If your daughter wants you to be engaged in the planning and needs your support... then decide to what degree you feel you are up to...
Etc.
If you don’t feel you are ready for this next emotional hurrah, then say so, when they have set a date and place...who knows it may be 6 months or more...and you may be ready !
Stay focused on love and acceptance.
My daughter was engaged last Tuesday night after her fiancé asked my and her brothers’ permission on Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning. They were called from the beach. I was there with them on vacation with his family, invited after my husband passed. It was a special time of which my hubby would have so been in favor of and happy for his thoughtfulness in planning. They are ready to be married in the old fashioned sense of the word and as we are not used to long engagements in our family. I am excited for them to start their lives together whenever they want. Much has already been planned, my invitation list given and we have an appointment for dress shopping after the 4th. Much to be thankful for and her dad would be encouraging this also.
I just didn’t want to exclude my mom from this but I know it would be more demanding than I could handle right now. I just want to live in the moment of celebration with my daughter and the rest of my family without worrying over mom’s illness.
Thanks for the encouraging words! We are indeed looking forward to it. Hubby will be worshipping in heaven as they covenant with the Lord before the witnesses there. Her brothers most likely will perform the ceremony as they are both pastors. It will be bittersweet but I will be blessed. Thank you, K
Have a lovely day there.
Congratulations all round.
You really don't want to take Mom. For no other reason than her incontinence. If you were in town you could take her to the wedding and then back to the facility. But 4.5 hours away. And the expense of having someone watch her? Added pressure you don't need. You can explain to Mom that its too far away to take her or, not tell her at all since it may just be a small wedding. My Mom was pretty far into Dementia to take to my nieces wedding. It was 8 hrs away.
The next day our oldest son went by to see her before leaving town. Mom was talking about what to wear to the wedding etc. He thinks she's realize how hard it would be to travel as he reminded her that it's in Houston 4 1/2 hours away. I'm not sure she will realize because she does not (cannot admit) see her disability that her dementia causes. She thinks she cares for herself completely, bathes herself, prepares her meals etc.
Do I just let her talk and plan without actually letting her know she isn't coming with us? It would be so cost prohibitive to do so and we are renting a house but didn't plan for her and a caregiver. Houston is also very hot in August and I have concerns about her dehydrating because it is already a challenge to keep her hydrated.
Mom has a way of remembering important life events like this because they are tied to her emotions. The planning stuff and details she won't remember.
I'm just torn.
Take the suggestions of video taping.
Go, enjoy this one special day of your daughters. This is about her, no one else. Get a trusted source to skyp the event or bring the video and a piece of the cake to share with grandma.
We can not always have everything we want and this is one of those times, for all involved.
HUGS to you, go spoil that baby girl one last time and forget the guilt. Soon you will all be celebrating in the presence of our Heavenly Father and none of this will even be a memory. I'm sorry for your loss, but I know that you know it is temporary.