I have been living with my dad for 6 months. Things have gotten so much better since we started, but his hygiene is so gross.
OT and PT work with him but he lies. He has only brushed his teeth once in the last 6 months, which was yesterday. He NEVER washes his hands and will NOT clean himself after a BM. I have asked OT to work with him and he makes excuses... it is easier for my daughter to do it, I don't want to get "it" on me, and my daughter does such a good job, etc. Right now he is sitting in his urine-soaked pull-up as I type this. He is 100% not fazed by any of this. His house is model clean and I am trying to keep it up. He is just LAZY. No mental illness, no dementia, nothing... Trust and believe he can rattle off the PGA golf standings like it is the alphabet.
I am so grossed out...
OTOH maybe it's time he lived somewhere else (in fact I'm sure of it)
And I appreciate the dementia information but this is how he has ALWAYS BEEN. When I talk to my sister about what is going on here she has vivid memories of my dad always being like this and I guess I just blocked it out but I admit I am slowly starting to remember situations from my childhood.
Sadly he is just a mean person. I have been yelled at for waving at a neighbor and I am told not to talk to anyone. Which is not my personality at all. I don't talk about his business or anything about him.
Note: Up until Covid and he didn't want to go to the grocery stores, I hadn't seen my father in 30 years.
Thank you in advance for the advice. It is appreciated.
My Mom lived with me for 20 months. She had Dementia and her decline was monthly. I was lucky that at times I had help with bathing but not with toileting. For me, that was the worst. I was placing her in an AL for respite care because of my nieces wedding out of State. It became permanent. In the 20 months I had her, I found a 24/7 Caregiver I am not. I don't think you are either and thats OK. Its OK to place Dad. Use whatever money he has and then apply for Medicaid. Find a nice Long-term care facility that takes Medicaid.
My money is on dementia .
My father in law stopped hygiene as well . But knew everything that was still going on in the world from watching the news because he was interested in the news . His memory was not effected until later .
Just because he knows the PGA golf standings doesn’t mean he doesn’t have dementia . If it’s something he’s really interested in , those things can stick in his memory .
Many assume that memory issues are always the first sign of dementia . That is because Alzheimers is the most comman type, like 80% I think .
But my mother and father in law had vascular dementia . Their memories weren’t bad , but they lacked reason. And ignoring hygiene but thinking they had done it was the first sign for them . Your father may actually think he does brush his teeth etc . My mother and father in law both sat a urine soaked depend unfazed by it , would insist they were dry .
They could carry on intelligent conversations , people thought they were sharp . But they would lie , confabulate , and make excuses and try to manipulate .
To answer your question about what to do …..
Place your father in a facility or he hires help , this will only get worse . Give notice that you can not do this anymore . Whether it’s dementia or , mental illness or laziness it doesn’t matter ….
Hearing Dad say “ I don’t want to get it on me and my daughter does such a good job “ would have me running for the hills .
As far as the will , no inheritance is guaranteed , it will either be eaten up paying for his care or he is so loony at some point he will cut you out of the will anyway for some perceived slight . Do you want to be stuck years caregiving for an absent father who is mean only to find out you weren’t an heir ? Because he didn’t tell you he changed the will so you would stay to take care of him ?
Gotta be honest , after 30 years of no father , no way would I have gotten involved in this . No matter how much money he has.
He’s mean and manipulative and says creepy things. If I was you if you have POA I would give it up and never look back .
Now that help obviously doesn't have to be you, but you can have your dad hire some in-home help(with his money)to come help clean him up throughout the day.
And I can only guess that because your dad is bedbound and you say his house is "model clean" that that is because you are the one keeping it that way.
Your dad now needs way more help than you can provide and that will mean either him hiring at least part-time in-home help, or him going into the appropriate facility where they will keep him changed and make sure that he brushes his teeth.
I find it kind of sad that you would call your 100% bedbound dad lazy. Do you honestly think that he likes not being able to do for himself?
My late husband was 100% bedridden for the last 22 months of his life and I never considered him lazy, as I knew that if he were able that he would do everything in his power that he could.
You may want to start offering to brush his teeth at least twice a day if him not brushing bothers you so, or like already said, you can have your dad hire help to do just that.
I think you have bitten off way more than you can chew and it's now time to look at doing plan B or even C.
Also, what gets me upset, is he will go on and on to the therapist about how he couldn't do any of this without me and goes on and on but that is NOT how he treats me when we are alone.
Sorry, I am just so frustrated.
(Thankyou Burnt for this term).
Vent.
Then look at this with fresh eyes.
Vent more.
Get angry.
Take action!
And Archie Bunker never made his daughter wipe his behind and clean up his urine soaked messes. If I was you I would be placing him in a facility ASAP. Then he can sit all day in his messes. Who knows maybe in a facility he will brush his teeth and shower and not be so gross.
I’m not joking about food, even if just his favorites. Food availability is REAL, he can’t fake it.
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