Her siblings are concerned for her physical and mental health if she's taken home. Her husband was mentally abusive towards her when she was at home. She was running away every day and he did nothing to stop her. He didn't lift a finger to go look for her, but called her siblings or the police to find her. We're fearful that she will regress if she's taken home. My brother-in-law is only concerned about the cost of her care. She wasn't eating or sleeping when she was home and she's been doing very well in the nursing home. Is there anything we can do to prevent him from removing her from the nursing home?
Who reported verbal abuse to APS, and what led to this report? When did this happen?
I'm afraid that this will sound unsympathetic to you, but most of the conflict you describe seems to stem from implacable family hostility to your brother in law. Whether the hostility was originally well-founded or not I've no idea, but it certainly won't help your sister now.
He tells different stories to different people... he's a compulsive liar...
Well, be fair. You are picking up dog ends of information from all over the place and then blaming him when they don't tally.
What happened? Begin at the beginning.
To begin at the beginning.
How old is your sister?
You say she "also" has dementia. Also, as well as what?
Was your BIL always the dominant/overbearing partner in the marriage, or has the mental abuse you're concerned about developed recently - i.e. possibly as a (sadly misguided and ignorant) reaction to your sister's illness?
You say your BIL is only concerned about the cost of her care. But the cost is no small issue, and it can be an extremely worrying one. Again, it could be that informed advice might be a better solution to this than challenging his status as your sister's husband with power of attorney for her.
How immediate is the threat that he might remove her from the nursing home without a satisfactory alternative in place? How much time do you think you have in hand?
If APS thinks she is unsafe at home, they can make decisions that will override his POA. I would make sure the nursing home is aware of the family's opinion that your sister is getting better care in the nursing home- in an email or a letter. Each concerned sibling should write.
If he just removes her AMA, he could find the insurance will not pay for some of her care going forward. He really shouldn't do that without checking to see what the consequences will be- especially if he is worried about the costs of her care. Make sure he is aware of that!
I personally know well two husbands who have had to deal with their wives' long term mental health difficulties. One continues to do it in his own way, which is loving but counterproductive at times; and the other left his wife. Neither example very encouraging, I realise; but what I'm thinking is that facing the issues and dealing with them openly, educating oneself in the slightly airy-fairy school of psychology, and practising practical compassion - these things can be extremely challenging for your man's man type.
Sigh. Where's Captain when we need him to set an example? Sadly missed from the forum.
I think it is important to bear in mind at all times that your BIL believes that what he is doing is right, reasonable or the very least - for example when he has thrown his hands up and given up - justified.
All the same. It sounds as though the recent history shows that however willing and committed he would like to think he is, he hasn't a clue what he's doing and he has neither the skills nor the insight to care properly for a spouse with dementia.
Is there a psychiatrist you can bring on board to oppose her discharge home? What conditions are in the care plan?
If guardianship is going to be the only way, is that financially possible? He'd challenge it, no doubt - for the reasons above, plus personal pride.
This abortive APS visit - when was that, and following the failure to gain access has the report been taken further or what?
If APS thinks her home situation is safe and a safe discharge plan is cooperated with, she's going to be discharged home. Maybe his children can convince him she's better off where she is. If they cannot, I don't think you have a lot of options. One of her children or siblings could file to be guardian (very pricey!) but you are going to need a lot more evidence of his abuse to get her away from him. I'm sorry. That sounds like it's really hard.